D-day coming soon

[ShiningEyes]

Hi All,

I have posted here previously about my situation. I was the OW for a short time to a MM who, after realizing he was falling in love with me, separated from his W. He didn't have to mention me as their M had been on the rocks for years but still it was a traumatic experience for both (and me!). They've been separated for 1 year (married for 25) and during this year he & I kept our R secret because we all work together (him, W, and me) and we decided it was best to keep things separate the best we could. We live completely independent social lives. No one here knows about us.

 

While we spend just about every night together in either his or my apartment, he and I also go away on weekends, take trips, etc so that we can be a couple in public and at least be able to do things together in the open air.

 

He's met my family and out-of-state friends who are essentially the people closest to me as I have only lived in the area we live for a little over a year. I have met no one in his life, no one knows about me. I posted here a month ago to get some advice... asking: Am I still the "other woman" and many of you posted YES!

 

My circumstance as the hidden girlfriend to a separated man for the past year has triggered on me all kinds of issues: TRUST issues, PARANOIA, CODEPENDENCY, and ADDICTION to him. ALSO I am crying all the time and not at all concentrating on my work.

 

I have talked with him about this and he has suggested to talk to his W & daughter about me and about accelerating the divorce process. He said that my well-being was important to him, that he is proud to have me as his partner and wants to "show me off" to the world, that it's been a year since he moved out so our co-workers won't be as judgmental about us.

 

BUT how will his W and daughter take it? Is it still too soon? Am I pressuring him to do something that might need more time?

 

I am exhausted - both emotionally and physically - from the energy required to "stay sane" through all this and like I wrote above, my emotional health has taken a hit. Something has to change ... But is "coming out" as a couple really what needs to happen right now or will this invite even more drama and heartache??????

 

HELP!

[bentnotbroken]

He finally grew a pair. Good for him. Whatever his wife and child feel is entirely up to them and they are entitled to feel whatever way they want and you and he will need to deal with...or not.

[TigerCub]

Hi All,

I have posted here previously about my situation. I was the OW for a short time to a MM who, after realizing he was falling in love with me, separated from his W. He didn't have to mention me as their M had been on the rocks for years but still it was a traumatic experience for both (and me!). They've been separated for 1 year (married for 25) and during this year he & I kept our R secret because we all work together (him, W, and me) and we decided it was best to keep things separate the best we could. We live completely independent social lives. No one here knows about us.

 

While we spend just about every night together in either his or my apartment, he and I also go away on weekends, take trips, etc so that we can be a couple in public and at least be able to do things together in the open air.

 

He's met my family and out-of-state friends who are essentially the people closest to me as I have only lived in the area we live for a little over a year. I have met no one in his life, no one knows about me. I posted here a month ago to get some advice... asking: Am I still the "other woman" and many of you posted YES!

 

My circumstance as the hidden girlfriend to a separated man for the past year has triggered on me all kinds of issues: TRUST issues, PARANOIA, CODEPENDENCY, and ADDICTION to him. ALSO I am crying all the time and not at all concentrating on my work.

 

I have talked with him about this and he has suggested to talk to his W & daughter about me and about accelerating the divorce process. He said that my well-being was important to him, that he is proud to have me as his partner and wants to "show me off" to the world, that it's been a year since he moved out so our co-workers won't be as judgmental about us.

 

BUT how will his W and daughter take it? Is it still too soon? Am I pressuring him to do something that might need more time?

 

I am exhausted - both emotionally and physically - from the energy required to "stay sane" through all this and like I wrote above, my emotional health has taken a hit. Something has to change ... But is "coming out" as a couple really what needs to happen right now or will this invite even more drama and heartache??????

 

HELP!

 

When is a good time to "come out"?

Considering that they have been married for 25 years, any time might be "too soon" in the W's eyes and most likely in the daughter's as well.

 

But does that mean that you should forever be hidden? No.

 

I understand and sympathize with the emotional exhaustion you're feeling. It becomes all consuming and eventually suffocating.

 

I'm glad that your MM didn't doddle too much before separating. Some people wait years until that happens (if it ever does).

 

I don't think there will ever be a good time to tell them, but it has to be done. If he's offering to do it, take him up on that offer.

[ShiningEyes]

I don't think there will ever be a good time to tell them, but it has to be done. If he's offering to do it, take him up on that offer.

 

I'm terrified of the outcome. I'm overcome with anxiety either way - at the thought of remaining the hidden girlfriend any longer AND at the thought of W & daughter & coworkers, etc not taking it well.

 

Sadly, remaining the hidden g-friend feels safer, at least I can work at controlling my own emotions... Can't control how others will react.

[Silly_Girl]

SE, what is a good timescale in YOUR view. Me? I'd be keen to get in to the new phase of things.

 

What is the worst that anyone is likely to SAY to you? Because, let's face it, there will always be people willing to be vicious, you won't stop them surmising. But would it be intolerable for you if someone actually did ask you outright how long you'd been together?

[chalkfarm]

 

I'm terrified of the outcome. I'm overcome with anxiety either way - at the thought of remaining the hidden girlfriend any longer AND at the thought of W & daughter & coworkers, etc not taking it well.

 

Sadly, remaining the hidden g-friend feels safer, at least I can work at controlling my own emotions... Can't control how others will react.

This is an honest question. I am not trying to get a rise out of you. So -what do feel the worst case scenario is? What are your fears regarding the revelation of your relationship?

 

Just for the record, you can not stay in this position as it is clearly hurting you!

[ShiningEyes]

So -what do feel the worst case scenario is? What are your fears regarding the revelation of your relationship?

 

1. W & daughter blame me for divorce

2. Co-workers (W included) see me as a home-wrecker

3. Potential negative effects this might have on our relationship

[woinlove]

So -what do feel the worst case scenario is? What are your fears regarding the revelation of your relationship?

 

1. W & daughter blame me for divorce

2. Co-workers (W included) see me as a home-wrecker

3. Potential negative effects this might have on our relationship

 

1 and 2 are the possible reactions of others, but what really matters is how you view yourself. What would be on the list of worst case scenario of continuing to hide? Presumably 3 would be on that list as well, wouldn't it? Would there be anything else to do with you, such as your feelings about yourself if you continue to hide?

[26pointblue]

If he's been separated for a year then it seems right to start proceeding with the divorce process. I personally don't feel the daughter should be involved with that decision-- it's between him & his wife. Actually it's only between himself & himself. Only one person files for divorce . . . it is up to him. If his wife doesn't want it, he still needs to do it if he is going to be able to be with you & otherwise move on from the marriage. Are you sure he wants it? Is he stalling because he is unsure? Or just because he doesn't want to hurt her? He is going to have to hurt her . . .

 

and the things you fear will probably happen. People will see you as helping to break up a long-standing marriage & that's never a great position to be in. But if you really love him & want to stay with him you'll have to just pull up your big girl panties & grow some tougher skin & take the heat. Just make sure he truly loves you, truly wants to get divorced & will do what it takes to be with you, so that it's all 'worth it' in the end.

 

Good luck. I hope this situation improves soon because I'm sad that you're in this bad mental state. :-(

[ShiningEyes]

Are you sure he wants it? Is he stalling because he is unsure? Or just because he doesn't want to hurt her? He is going to have to hurt her . . .

 

I can see why you pose these questions but the answer is YES he wants the divorce. He is more concerned about having to hurt her even more... He is a good person who respects his X-W (I really like that about him) and knows that telling her about me will hurt her. As for the Divorce papers, I could see the situation being such that if I weren't in the picture both of them would just put off the filing just to avoid the paperwork & expenses. They've already begun diving up their finances and assets in a drama-free way.

But if you really love him & want to stay with him you'll have to just pull up your big girl panties & grow some tougher skin & take the heat.

 

True, very true. I will have to do just that because he is worth it. And he feels I am worth the heat he'll get as well. *sigh*

 

Good luck. I hope this situation improves soon because I'm sad that you're in this bad mental state. Thanks.

[ShiningEyes]

Presumably 3 would be on that list as well, wouldn't it? Would there be anything else to do with you, such as your feelings about yourself if you continue to hide?

 

Ha!You're so right. I hadn't thought about the fact that if we stay "hiding" my emotional state can very easily negatively affect the relationship as well.

 

We just have to move forward, don't we?

[26pointblue]

Are you sure he wants it? Is he stalling because he is unsure? Or just because he doesn't want to hurt her? He is going to have to hurt her . . .

 

I can see why you pose these questions but the answer is YES he wants the divorce. He is more concerned about having to hurt her even more... He is a good person who respects his X-W (I really like that about him) and knows that telling her about me will hurt her. As for the Divorce papers, I could see the situation being such that if I weren't in the picture both of them would just put off the filing just to avoid the paperwork & expenses. They've already begun diving up their finances and assets in a drama-free way.

 

But if you really love him & want to stay with him you'll have to just pull up your big girl panties & grow some tougher skin & take the heat.

 

True, very true. I will have to do just that because he is worth it. And he feels I am worth the heat he'll get as well. *sigh*

 

Good luck. I hope this situation improves soon because I'm sad that you're in this bad mental state. Thanks.

 

I'm glad he's sure he wants a divorce. But I disagree that he's such a good person who respects his wife, based on his actions . . . he is not respecting her because he has been lying to her & cheating on her. That is not respect. His not telling her about you so as not to hurt her is actually a form of cowardice . . . it's protecting himself, & making things harder on everyone, because here she is still with hope that the divorce hasn't started, & here you are waiting on him to get a move on it. He needs to be proactive & take action instead of trying not to hurt everyone. What he has done is hurtful & now he has to put the nail in the coffin so to speak. Hopefully the two of you can move on as a 'real' couple free of his marriage to someone else . . . but you can't get there if he doesn't start moving his feet in that direction. Good luck.

[ShiningEyes]

he is not respecting her because he has been lying to her & cheating on her. That is not respect. Is it cheating when you're separated? It's been a year, separate residences. She's know from day 1 that the separation would lead to divorce, they just haven't filed.

 

His not telling her about you so as not to hurt her is actually a form of cowardice . . . it's protecting himself, & making things harder on everyone. I see it as him protecting me as well - remember we all work together. They had a 25 yr marriage together and he didn't want to throw in her face how quickly he was able to move on...

 

He needs to be proactive & take action instead of trying not to hurt everyone. Agreed.

 

What he has done is hurtful & now he has to put the nail in the coffin so to speak. Hopefully the two of you can move on as a 'real' couple free of his marriage to someone else . . . but you can't get there if he doesn't start moving his feet in that direction. Good luck. Yes, I agree. It has to happen soon for the sake of everyone involved. Thanks.

[26pointblue]

he is not respecting her because he has been lying to her & cheating on her. That is not respect. Is it cheating when you're separated? It's been a year, separate residences. She's know from day 1 that the separation would lead to divorce, they just haven't filed.

 

His not telling her about you so as not to hurt her is actually a form of cowardice . . . it's protecting himself, & making things harder on everyone. I see it as him protecting me as well - remember we all work together. They had a 25 yr marriage together and he didn't want to throw in her face how quickly he was able to move on...

 

He needs to be proactive & take action instead of trying not to hurt everyone. Agreed.

 

What he has done is hurtful & now he has to put the nail in the coffin so to speak. Hopefully the two of you can move on as a 'real' couple free of his marriage to someone else . . . but you can't get there if he doesn't start moving his feet in that direction. Good luck. Yes, I agree. It has to happen soon for the sake of everyone involved. Thanks.

 

I don't know the terms of the separation . . . to me one is married until one is divorced, unless both parties have agreed to change the terms of the union. If she knows he is seeing other people/you, then, no, to me that isn't cheating. But that flies in the face of everything else you wrote . . . it sounds like he is pretending he's not seeing other people, so as not to hurt her etc., & that is the whole problem here -- he can't tell her he is seeing you, so, she must assume he is being faithful. Maybe they have talked about it & agreed differently but then why the need to hide you?

 

I understand the need to protect everyone but the time has come to let the chips fall where they may. You are suffering because of his dragging his feet . . . so his efforts to 'protect' you have back-fired & now he is actually hurting you [& you are allowing it to continue]. So he needs to protect you by taking action, not being passive, & I think you need to insist on it or exit the relationship, for your own mental stability. This is not good for you & it's time to take action one way or the other.

[ShiningEyes]

it sounds like he is pretending he's not seeing other people, so as not to hurt her etc., & that is the whole problem here -- he can't tell her he is seeing you, so, she must assume he is being faithful. Ahhhh, yes. I think this is true. He says that she has never asked him if he is dating and he hasn't asked her. But probably she assumes he is not. He is living a double life. I don't like seeing this side of him manifest - and it is beginning to affect my feelings of trust. I often wonder if he lies to me as well.

 

. . so his efforts to 'protect' you have back-fired & now he is actually hurting you [& you are allowing it to continue]. So he needs to protect you by taking action, not being passive, & I think you need to insist on it or exit the relationship, for your own mental stability. This is what I have said to him just this past weekend. I can't take this state of being much longer - THANK YOU!!!

[ShiningEyes]

This is not good for you & it's time to take action one way or the other.

 

I am very anxious about seeing him tonight. I want to resume the conversation but also my inclination is to apologize for behaving so moody with him in the past couple of weeks. I have been hot and cold, questioning him on things I normally wouldn't because I'm growing paranoid that might lie to me as well... I wonder if lying about me also means having to lie to me... So I quiz him a lot these days. This is all part of my declining emotional state right now. Should part of the conversation include an apology from me?

[jwi71]

You are NOT in an unusual situation - all of what you know and have known has shown up here before.

 

I have a few random thoughts:

 

1) He isn't D because he doesn't want to be. Its that simple. IF your state requires a one year separation before D, then he has met that and still hasn't filed. As an aside, I cannot think of any states where disclosing an A does NOT trump that requirement. Point being, he hasn't filed because he doesn't want to.

 

2) He values his stbxw over you. He sure is spending a lot of time and energy protecting her and leaving you exposed. Hides you from work? Yes. From peers? Check. From his family? Yes again. I know, he separated "for you". So explain his actions and, given those actions, whose feelings he protects and whose he exposes to "suffering". This must be true unless you are hiding how you feel from him in this regards. Otherwise, he KNOWS this and STILL chooses the stbxw.

 

3) You ALL work together? Can his W fire you? Can you fire her? What about your man...can he fire either of you? Given his actions, I would NOT expect him to step up and protect you at work. My advice is to begin a passive job hunt as this will be a mess of epic proportions - someone will lose their employment and everyone (except the W) will lose respect - or at least be subject to the rumor mill for a long time.

 

4) How old is the daughter? Is she old enough to process this? Do you think she will react well to this? Or might she refuse to ever see her father again?

 

5) What is your plan? Are you two going to be open once the D is done? Do you think the W will not figure that out? OR are you going to continue secretly dating for a while (how long?) then suddenly date openly? Why all the lies and secrecy?

 

6) How does your family feel about him? Have they met?

 

7) Promise he is lying to you. The real question is about what.

 

8) Why apologize for demanding he place you first? Your feelings matter too - not just the stbxw whom he protects.

 

9) Is he capable of cutting ties with the stbxw? Does the daughter's age matter here? OR is he going to be invested in her even though he is "with" you? Is that acceptable to you?

 

10) If everyone knows a D is coming, why has no one filed?

 

11) His actions are cowardly to all. Unfair as well.

 

12) You said you were worried about him being blamed for D. But you also said once they separate everyone know this is the end result. They seem in contradiction. Can you explain? And why would they blame him anyway is no one knows about you?

 

Thats all for now...gotta run...

[26pointblue]

it sounds like he is pretending he's not seeing other people, so as not to hurt her etc., & that is the whole problem here -- he can't tell her he is seeing you, so, she must assume he is being faithful. Ahhhh, yes. I think this is true. He says that she has never asked him if he is dating and he hasn't asked her. But probably she assumes he is not. He is living a double life. I don't like seeing this side of him manifest - and it is beginning to affect my feelings of trust. I often wonder if he lies to me as well.

 

. . so his efforts to 'protect' you have back-fired & now he is actually hurting you [& you are allowing it to continue]. So he needs to protect you by taking action, not being passive, & I think you need to insist on it or exit the relationship, for your own mental stability. This is what I have said to him just this past weekend. I can't take this state of being much longer - THANK YOU!!!

 

You're welcome, ShiningEyes. I have been where you are although not for as long [at one point my xMM was separated for a few months . . . still hid me/our relationship though.] I understand what you're going through. I have felt & would feel the exact same way.

 

Yes, he is living a double life & that is cheating -- that is not being a good person or treating his wife [or you, or himself for that matter] with respect. I'm not saying he has no capacity to be a good person or that overall he isn't a good person but right now his actions are not good - he is not acting in a good way, so, he's not being a good person. Actions are really all that matters, plus honesty in words. If you are wondering if he's lying to you he probably is. People who are capable of living double lives to this degree [a whole year of keeping you a secret & the wife assuming he isn't dating anyone else?!] are often incapable of being honest with anyone, including themselves. I was like your xMM & my issue was that I didn't know how to be honest with myself so I couldn't live an honest/good life & couldn't be honest with other people either. So I'm really not trying to judge him, just trying to show what I think the problem is, having lived it. He needs to change & change is hard . . . most people don't change but I am hoping that he will so that things can work out for you two. If he doesn't change then you are going to need to leave the relationship for your own good . . . & realize you don't want to be with someone who isn't acting right/ living a good/honest life.

[fooled once]

So -what do feel the worst case scenario is? What are your fears regarding the revelation of your relationship?

 

1. W & daughter blame me for divorce

2. Co-workers (W included) see me as a home-wrecker

3. Potential negative effects this might have on our relationship

 

#1 - and .... how is that an untrue event? He is divorcing FOR YOU. His daughter may never like you or want to be around you. Especially if you are much younger than her father

 

#2 - and....not to be snarky, but aren't you? You are sneaking around and dating a married man. Yes, he may be separated, but you are still the hidden secret. You can be sure you will be the talk of the office and I would bet you would be the one who loses her job over all this because no one is going to fire the betrayed spouse.

 

#3 - because of how the entire relationship started, with betrayal, lies and disrespect, it will be easy for you to wonder in 5 years if he is cheating on you with a younger model. Who knows. He knows you are hurting, yet he is doing nothing to further his "divorce". He is protecting his wife; not you. That would peeve me off if I were you. Knowing he cares more hurting her than you, that would piss me off.

[26pointblue]

This is not good for you & it's time to take action one way or the other.

 

I am very anxious about seeing him tonight. I want to resume the conversation but also my inclination is to apologize for behaving so moody with him in the past couple of weeks. I have been hot and cold, questioning him on things I normally wouldn't because I'm growing paranoid that might lie to me as well... I wonder if lying about me also means having to lie to me... So I quiz him a lot these days. This is all part of my declining emotional state right now. Should part of the conversation include an apology from me?

 

Okay, if you want my honest opinion, as a former OW & as someone who can relate to where you are here it is. I think you have been enabling his bad behavior. You have every right to let him know your expectations. Sure, maybe you have handled it the wrong way because it's all getting to you & you're frustrated . . . stop that. Stop being moody & hot & cold & just sit him down & have a normal grown-up conversation. Yes, you can apologize for what you have been doing due to your whacky emotions, but don't apologize for the emotions. They are whacky because he has not been doing what he needs to do. He has not been treating you right - every woman deserves to be in a full, open relationship, not a hidden secret. But you have been allowing him to treat you this way. So you need to determine what you really want & need [divorce/ open relationship], & let him know in a mature way. Tell him you're sorry for mistreating him [if you sincerely think you've been mistreating him] but now you are ready to address the issue the right way so that you can both deal with this & move on it in the right way.

 

At one time I was soooo passive when it came to my xMM . . . I let him set the tone of our relationship & I didn't push for things I wanted & I felt like I was walking on egg shells or had to apologize to him all the time but it was all because the situation/relationship was not good for me & I was being too passive & submissive . . . but then all those feelings do surface & it becomes impossible not to do something about them. So do something about them & tell him to do the same. Good luck.

[ShiningEyes]

Thank you all for your feedback. SadinTexas, you wrote:

 

If he's not ready, then he's not really ready to fully commit to you either. Go from there. That's powerful. All this time I had been thinking about him in terms of "fully committed" precisely because he moved out thereby proving to be the honorable and committed man he said he was. BUT there's another layer to this... Telling his soon-to-be ExW & daughter about me is the next and just as important act of commitment.

 

26 - you're full of wisdom. I have enabled the situation for the past year and it felt like the right way to go. We found ways to make the "isolation" romantic, we spent all our time together and it brought us close so it worked for a while but not anymore.

 

I can't take it out on him though, that isn't fair. So yes, I'll apologize for the unfair treatment but not my feelings and we'll talk it through.

 

He says he's ready - that "I'm pushing through and open door" and that it will all work out. I hope he's right.

 

Fooled - You're right about (1) and I'm scared to death that (2) goes way badly and that I DO lose my job. As for (3) he is concerned both for my emotional well-being and for hers - I can't say it pisses me off (maybe it should?) because he does know I am hurting and is going to act on that by talking to W about me as the first step toward being open.

[ShiningEyes]

I have a few random thoughts:

1) He isn't D because he doesn't want to be. Its that simple.

He was definitely putting the conversation off (avoidance?) and perhaps she as well. He has wanted to make sure the D was OK this year (she took it very hard) and I think that they went the "one step at a time" approach.

 

 

2) He values his stbxw over you. He sure is spending a lot of time and energy protecting her and leaving you exposed. Hides you from work? Yes. From peers? Check. From his family? Yes again. I know, he separated "for you". So explain his actions and, given those actions, whose feelings he protects and whose he exposes to "suffering". This is painfully true. But he's so loving and attentive and communicative with me. I know he feels bad about it and just seemed like the right thing to do for this past year... but he knows I am suffering and wants to do something about it.

 

My advice is to begin a passive job hunt as this will be a mess of epic proportions - someone will lose their employment and everyone (except the W) will lose respect. Again, painfully true. No one can fire anyone but certainly can have an influence in my contract renewal... No one likes a "troublemaker" - right?

 

How old is the daughter? She just graduated HS, battles with depression, social anxiety, etc. He is always worrying about her... Don't know, have no idea how she'll react.

 

What is your plan? Are you two going to be open once the D is done? Do you think the W will not figure that out? OR are you going to continue secretly dating for a while (how long?) then suddenly date openly? Why all the lies and secrecy? Plan: Gradually start making public appearances, probably be ambiguous about when the R started --- probably say it is a recently formed R???? We have to think that through carefully.

 

How does your family feel about him? Have they met? They met and really like him.

 

Promise he is lying to you. The real question is about what. This is heartbreaking.

 

His actions are cowardly to all. Unfair as well. From the very beginning??

 

You said you were worried about him being blamed for D. But you also said once they separate everyone know this is the end result. They seem in contradiction. Can you explain? I think I meant that I would be blamed for the D... I may have written it wrong?

[Anna101]

Hi SE,

 

I echo everyone else, I feel something is off here. I don't however, think it may be as bad as you are worried about.

 

Firstly, the one thing that IS usually common to men who have affairs - non confrontational. It doesn't surprise me one bit he's putting off the divorce. My partner (ex affair partner) is separated, but they are not divorced yet (can't be here). They are just in the middle of mediation re custody and the finance settlement now, and trust me, I have NO DOUBT he'd have put this off as long as possible if it wasn't for her pushing it. Going through the actual divorce bit, the arguments all over again, the hurt, the loss of the marriage, the grieving, the fights over money...it's horrible.

 

The reality is, he probably still loves her to a degree, and doesn't want to go through all this. The fact it's inevitable means nothing, he still will want to put it off. He MAY be putting her first over you out of habit.

 

I can't remember how his marriage broke up but...just remember he will still be grieving the loss of that life, the loss of his wife, and just the comfortable existence he used to have.

 

That said, a year into separation is pushing it, and he really needs to suck it up and move on. And so do you - suck it up because this is the hard part and you cannot choose now to whinge about the fact that people are going to know you had an affair. It MAY not be as bad as you think - everyone knows we had one but everyone has been surprisingly accepting and we are now mostly just a normal couple to everyone. His kids did *not* blame me, but they are younger than your MM's so, you'll just have to see. You chose this, you have to accept some of this is going to be ****.

 

The part you don't have to accept is how long he is taken to man up and do it. He doesn't want to be the bad guy in front of his wife and colleagues more than he wants to put YOU out of your misery, so he's being selfish in that regard. He probably got used to taking you for granted during the affair, and so it's a habit he will have to work on.

 

Stop being the apologetic affair partner who is too scared to push him. IF he's your partner now, act like it. He may not be lying to you at all, it might just be as simple as the fact he's being non confrontational and selfish. The way he acted during the affair, those habits are hard to break.

 

You're not having a real relationship right now, you're just having a psuedo affair. You're behaving like an OW who tiptoes around the 'are you leaving' discussion, and he's behaving like a man who has two women and puts his wife first. You have to realise, it's going to get harder from here ok? We live together and it's been HARD (good, wonderful, I love him, but hard). Again, you chose him and you chose this, be honest about it.

[whichwayisup]

Hi All,

I have posted here previously about my situation. I was the OW for a short time to a MM who, after realizing he was falling in love with me, separated from his W. He didn't have to mention me as their M had been on the rocks for years but still it was a traumatic experience for both (and me!). They've been separated for 1 year (married for 25) and during this year he & I kept our R secret because we all work together (him, W, and me) and we decided it was best to keep things separate the best we could. We live completely independent social lives. No one here knows about us.

 

While we spend just about every night together in either his or my apartment, he and I also go away on weekends, take trips, etc so that we can be a couple in public and at least be able to do things together in the open air.

 

He's met my family and out-of-state friends who are essentially the people closest to me as I have only lived in the area we live for a little over a year. I have met no one in his life, no one knows about me. I posted here a month ago to get some advice... asking: Am I still the "other woman" and many of you posted YES!

 

My circumstance as the hidden girlfriend to a separated man for the past year has triggered on me all kinds of issues: TRUST issues, PARANOIA, CODEPENDENCY, and ADDICTION to him. ALSO I am crying all the time and not at all concentrating on my work.

 

I have talked with him about this and he has suggested to talk to his W & daughter about me and about accelerating the divorce process. He said that my well-being was important to him, that he is proud to have me as his partner and wants to "show me off" to the world, that it's been a year since he moved out so our co-workers won't be as judgmental about us.

 

BUT how will his W and daughter take it? Is it still too soon? Am I pressuring him to do something that might need more time?

 

I am exhausted - both emotionally and physically - from the energy required to "stay sane" through all this and like I wrote above, my emotional health has taken a hit. Something has to change ... But is "coming out" as a couple really what needs to happen right now or will this invite even more drama and heartache??????

 

HELP!

 

He isn't and doesn't want to open that door yet and if you continue to push him, asking him to tell his soon to be ex wife and daughter about you, he will slow things down even more AND most of all, you'll be more hurt and full of angst.

 

Already you're upset, not functioning like you once were. This guy has taken over your life and it's affecting everything else. you feel like crap most of the time and it's going to get worse.

 

My suggestion, take it or leave it .. Say goodbye to him until his D is finalized and he's had a chance to work through stuff with his daughter, and so he can be ALONE for a while. This also gives you a chance to calm down and focus on your life instead of his.

[Emme]

The only advice I am going to give you is you need to find a new job. Seriously you need to get some space away from not just him but her as well. Please start looking into finding employment elsewhere.