MissBee Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) It might go that way shining and there is nothing you can do about what others think or say. It's a price that ow have to pay to have the man. All you can control is how you deal with it. I agree. I think everyone has to weigh the costs and benefits of every choice in their life. For me, I could't deal with that, it wouldn't be worth it for me, esp the aspects of codependency, crying all the time, addiction etc. Shining, is this a problem because of the hidden aspect or may it be a problem inherent within that relationship? But yea...if you feel that relationship is worth it, then that is just what you're going to have to go through. I would strongly suggest you consider your relationship seriously. Is he someone you plan to be with for a long time? He obviously wasn't ready for an open commitment to you....but is he even truly ready for another real relationship? Right now it's only out and open on your side, less pressure for him. I personally don't believe in dating newly separated people just like I don't believe in dating someone who just got out of a relationship. I don't want to take the chance that I am a rebound. Whether or not someone's relationship was on the rocks, they still engage in rebounding and sometimes don't realize it themselves. Sometimes rebound relationships are hot and heavy and accelerated when there is no substance there but it is a displacement of emotions. Is he serious about telling wife and daughter or does he have a feeling that you will do exactly what you're doing and get too scared of the fall out and say NO NEVERMIND! Is he bluffing? Look at his actions , all he's said and done and his state of mind, with eyes and ears open to see what is really going on, it may be what you think it is or you may come away with a different understanding. You need to assess everything and see if the costs of your job finding out, his wife, and daughter, the blame etc is worth it to you. If not....then there is nothing wrong with walking away OR making arrangements to deal with it as best as you can if you feel it's worth it. However, you have already admitted to being a wreck over this and I do not think you should renege and continue taking it any more so as not to "lose him". You seem to be losing a lot more right now with things as is. He is the least hon. Trust me. Men come and go, there is no telling you will be with him next month or next year so to sacrifice your job, peace of mind and develop poor habits because of one man...not worth it. It's not romantic.... Edited July 5, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Okay, if you want my honest opinion, as a former OW & as someone who can relate to where you are here it is. I think you have been enabling his bad behavior. You have every right to let him know your expectations. Sure, maybe you have handled it the wrong way because it's all getting to you & you're frustrated . . . stop that. Stop being moody & hot & cold & just sit him down & have a normal grown-up conversation. Yes, you can apologize for what you have been doing due to your whacky emotions, but don't apologize for the emotions. They are whacky because he has not been doing what he needs to do. He has not been treating you right - every woman deserves to be in a full, open relationship, not a hidden secret. But you have been allowing him to treat you this way. So you need to determine what you really want & need [divorce/ open relationship], & let him know in a mature way. Tell him you're sorry for mistreating him [if you sincerely think you've been mistreating him] but now you are ready to address the issue the right way so that you can both deal with this & move on it in the right way. At one time I was soooo passive when it came to my xMM . . . I let him set the tone of our relationship & I didn't push for things I wanted & I felt like I was walking on egg shells or had to apologize to him all the time but it was all because the situation/relationship was not good for me & I was being too passive & submissive . . . but then all those feelings do surface & it becomes impossible not to do something about them. So do something about them & tell him to do the same. Good luck. Indeed! I can so relate.... I think the other person picks up on it too and whether they do it maliciously or not, they know exactly how to treat you and maneuver the situation if they realize you are the passive party; always thinking things are your fault, feeling insecure, walking on egg shells, pretty much willing to settle for anything to keep them. They know...and thus the gaslighting begins or the bluffs...which is what I brought up to Shining. If she has been this way, he has picked up on it, whether consciously or not, and just as how she is saying oh maybe she was wrong, it is easy for him to promise to tell the wife if he knows Shining will likely end up begging him not to or starts feeling guilty. It just doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic at all. I agree that she should ask for what she wants and needs and allow for him to follow through or not and be OK with him not following through, accepting it and moving on if that is what it comes down to. We have to be the final authority on our lives and not sit around and allow others to pilot it for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShiningEyes Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 MissBee: If she has been this way, he has picked up on it, whether consciously or not, and just as how she is saying oh maybe she was wrong, it is easy for him to promise to tell the wife if he knows Shining will likely end up begging him not to or starts feeling guilty. I haven't been passive, really, I haven't. I very much agreed with him that we needed to keep things quite for the year in order to live/work, and build a relationship with him peacefully. BUT the year has now gone by and I am feeling ready (yes, scared, but ready) for embracing what comes next. The emotional rollercoaster I am experiencing isn't healthy at all and I know much of it has to do with my status as "hidden g-friend" and I have been very honest about this with him. he's ready for the next step, and I know he means it when he says it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShiningEyes Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Hi SE, I echo everyone else, I feel something is off here. I don't however, think it may be as bad as you are worried about. He MAY be putting her first over you out of habit. This may be true - he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" to her and daughter... and since up until now I had been on-board and okay with "hidden status" because of how small our community is here, there was no reason for him to think he was "hurting" me. I am beginning to feel differently now ------ It's been a year and that was my "deadline" for hidden status. SOOO, I think, and maybe I'm wrong here - but If he stalls from here on (knowing I am hurting) then YES he is putting her first over me... The next couple of weeks will be telling. He moved out after meeting me. I was the OW for about a month and then we both realized we had strong feelings for each other. They had been having problems for years. That said, a year into separation is pushing it, and he really needs to suck it up and move on. And so do you - suck it up because this is the hard part and you cannot choose now to whinge about the fact that people are going to know you had an affair. It MAY not be as bad as you think - everyone knows we had one but everyone has been surprisingly accepting and we are now mostly just a normal couple to everyone. His kids did *not* blame me, but they are younger than your MM's so, you'll just have to see. You chose this, you have to accept some of this is going to be ****. You are so very right here...... I have to be even stronger, more confident, and ready for what comes. He probably got used to taking you for granted during the affair, and so it's a habit he will have to work on. This isn't true. He never took me for granted. I agreed that we had to wait a year --- Stop being the apologetic affair partner who is too scared to push him. Well... I admit, I pushed and screamed and kicked and then felt bad about HOW I did it... (tantrum-like) ... but as someone else advised here - i apologized for the roughness of my approach, not the feelings. You have to realise, it's going to get harder from here ok? We live together and it's been HARD (good, wonderful, I love him, but hard). Again, you chose him and you chose this, be honest about it. Thank you for such great advice! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 call it off until his D is final. he also needs that time to heal. allow him that space to find what happy looks like for him on his own - then resume when he is healthy and happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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