Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) Well, i have been lurking here for awhile and now i will tell my story. First, background information. My STBXW and i met about 6.5 years ago and married for about 4.5 years. We had a child who will be 4 this year. I have not been happy about being with her most of the relationship/marriage and i feel we should have never married. She is a beautiful girl and i think that is what kept me around for so long. The sex was never good from the beginning and we argued a lot. The relationship had been up and down since day one. I thought that maybe the relationship would mature into a better one but i was wrong. We had our good times and our bad times just like anyone. About a year ago she started going out with her friends more and one night decided not to come home. A week after that she stayed out late with her "girlfriends" and when she came home she hit me with "I fell out of love with you". I was floored. We decided to go to marriage counseling and continued for a couple of weeks. I thought we were doing better even though i was still not happy being with her. April 2011 she pulls the same crap from a year ago. She starts going out with her friends, doesnt come home one night, and then hits me with the "i dont love you anymore but i dont want to hurt you" crap. Again, i was floored. I decided to move out and she stayed at the house with the our daughter. I told her i wanted to work on our marriage and i would change for the better. She said needed time to figure things out. The second week i felt like i was dying. After talking with my friends most were in agreement she was or had cheated on me. I confronted her and she denied it. After week 2 of crying to her and begging her back i asked if she had given any thought of our marriage and trying to work things out and she says "kinda"... my reply to her was i had given it a lot of thought and decided i wanted a divorce. She had a quick stunned looked and then said ok. My first month i was living in hell. Sleepless nights, mind running 100 miles an hour. I was emotionally drained each day. I really felt like i lost the one. Funny thing, during the marriage i would stay late at work so i didnt have to come home to be with her. I couldnt understand why i was hurting soo bad when i really didnt like being with her and at times i wished i could be single again (Be careful what you wish for). I bought a few books on grieving and they helped tremendously. I started seeing my counselor, the same one who helped with our marriage counseling coincidentally. I have read a bunch of posts here and i feel this website has helped me the most. I am going on 2.5 months of separation from her and should be officially divorced by the end of July. I can say that in the past 2 weeks i have finally accepted the fact we will never be together again. Edited July 4, 2011 by Tryin Hard 2 Make It Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 You have taken it hard so as men we needed to take it strong. As you can see your wife actions as she didn't taken it as you did. I know you loved her so much he really hurts the way things have turned out. I can't forgive mine and I won't break down in front of her as she really doesn't care if I did or not. So cold and heartless she has become. Once they meet that new lover in their lives you and I become history. I've come to turn on my relationship and now can stand tall and say IT HASN'T BEEN FUN! TIME TO MOVE ON! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 coolheadal, You are right, moving on and moving forward is the key. When i got married i slowly stopped hanging out with my friends and i slowly stopped loving myself and making myself happy. I became a hermit for the most part and stopped being the fun person i was once. I am not sure why or how it happened, it just did. Since our separation, I was told by great old friends i have to find within me the person i was before... The person who loved life and had so many friends who loved to be around me. That person is slowly returning from deep within me, that person was locked away because she made that person feel unwanted. I am welcoming much needed change in my life for the better, a new chapter in my life. At first, i was so scared and did not want to be apart from her but i am beginning to realize i need this to be truly happy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Welcome to LS I re-read your OP a couple times and my take is it appears you're grieving more the loss of who you were in the M as opposed to 'losing' your stbx, since you have had doubts about the relationship's health from early-on. IOW, you're grieving your efforts to make it 'better', which you thought it would if you tried hard enough and loved her enough. How is the co-parenting going? If well, it sounds like you have an excellent opportunity to have an amicable divorce and co-parenting arrangement, both of which will help you in your recovery. I'm happy to read that your 'old' friends still remember your name. This tells me you were a good friend in the old days. They'll be a great asset during your recovery. Make a pledge to value and support those friendships, no matter what comes down the pike on the relationship/marital front in the future. Good friends, especially good male friends, are very important assets in one's life, IMO. It gets better. Better than you can imagine, in some cases. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 coolheadal, You are right, moving on and moving forward is the key. When i got married i slowly stopped hanging out with my friends and i slowly stopped loving myself and making myself happy. I became a hermit for the most part and stopped being the fun person i was once. I am not sure why or how it happened, it just did. Since our separation, I was told by great old friends i have to find within me the person i was before... The person who loved life and had so many friends who loved to be around me. That person is slowly returning from deep within me, that person was locked away because she made that person feel unwanted. I am welcoming much needed change in my life for the better, a new chapter in my life. At first, i was so scared and did not want to be apart from her but i am beginning to realize i need this to be truly happy. Hermit is a good one as that's what I've become myself. I gave too much to this person who hasn't give me back the same. I won't call her but she just call me again to go out to a party. I told her no! It wouldn't be any fun for me just thinking of what's going on and waiting for some wise mouth to say something stupid to me. As for friends I had to give that up because of coming here. I had good too life before use go head out to the surf and such and now this one with the so called Wife not so. I should have stayed where I was. This will never happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks carhill Interesting take, i will ponder that. Thank you! Co-parenting is going good and looks like the divorce will be amicable. She signed the decree created by my attorney and now we are waiting on the judge to finalize it the last week of July. She has another child from a previous relationship (not marriage) and the co-parenting is very good between them. I feel we may have the same co-parenting type of relationship. I did not realize the value of a good friendship until now. There are so many helping me in this time especially the early period where i was crying everyday. It is amazing how my friends are there for me. Last 2 weeks have been really good. Prior to that i was still having crying spells and sadness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Well I just found out she hired a lawyer. This week we were suppose to go to court to finalize and she called and told me she hired a lawyer. It was suppose to be uncontested not anymore....I will not know what she is trying to get until tomorrow when my lawyer contacts her lawyer. This Sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason Todd Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well she's a cheater so it's no big surprise that she is selfish. Just protect yourself for your own good. She doesn't care and hasn't for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 she wants half of my checking account. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I was doing really good with No contact, well only communicating through text for the sake of our child. For the most part no contact. She was pissed when i told her i could only communicate with her via text and said that was no way to communicate. Today i talked to her concerning the whole hiring a lawyer issue. She said it was for her protection because she said i had told her things recently and did not keep my word. She was upset because i am only watching our child per the standard possession order and i had told her i would watch her more than every 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends. She then mentioned that i had promised to help her with some furniture and when she asked recently for the help i told her i never said that... i dont remember telling her i would help her buy any furniture. So today i talked to her on the phone and i met her when she picked up our child today. We talked for about 20 minutes concerning different issues about what she wanted. I told her the reason i decided to go no contact was to help me heal and detach from the relationship. I then told her that after we talked on the phone today i didnt seem to hurt. I also said that i hope tomorrow i wont feel horrible because i usually do when i see or talk to her. Everything took a turn for the worst today.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Spoke with her last night in person and on the phone this morning. I had anxiety and woke up at 630 and couldnt go back to sleep. Mind is going 100 miles and hour right now. We verbally agreed on what she wanted and now just have to iron out certain details. For the most part she is asking for what is entitled and wants to be very fair. Everything is so overwhelming right now even thought she we are agreeing on everything. How do i tell my mind to relax?? I find it somewhat comforting being able to vent a little bit here... Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I told her the reason i decided to go no contact was to help me heal and detach from the relationship. I then told her that after we talked on the phone today i didnt seem to hurt. I also said that i hope tomorrow i wont feel horrible because i usually do when i see or talk to her. Everything took a turn for the worst today.... This is why you need to have an intermediary. They must completely separate STBX from you. Truly, you need to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is why you need to have an intermediary. They must completely separate STBX from you. Truly, you need to recover. Yes i still need to recover and she understands that. Once we completely agree on the minor details i will have my attorny make the changes on the decree and then submit to her attorny and then hopefully we can finalize the divorce - i hope the paperwork will be that easy to change and submit... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Feeling emotionally drained at the end of today. I have been worrying that things will not go my way. i have zero energy to hit the gym tonight... I need to buy another book today, when i read it eases my mind. Today was the day to go to the judge and finalize. I thought i would have closure by now. By seeing her last night and talking to her this morning (strictly business) i hope i did not take a step back in the healing process. I didnt really feel anything towards her when i saw her. Sorry for rambling, it helps me to get it out of my system. Thanks for those out there listening even if you are not replying, i know you are reading... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 When i told her i wanted a divorce in May she told me she didnt want anything monetary from me. Now she wants half of my cash and an increase in child support. I wonder who or why she changed her mind and why in the beginning when she wanted out she told me she did not want anything monetary from me... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I wonder who or why she changed her mind and why in the beginning when she wanted out she told me she did not want anything monetary from me... IME, it's usually a combination of two places; first, a lawyer, as lawyers bill out more hours based on how rancorous they can make a D; second, divorced female friends who have 'gotten it' out of their exH via divorce. I call it incitement to greed. Crunch the numbers and clearly delineate where scorched earth policy begins. BTW, the 'I don't want anything monetary' is a mind-fµck for 'I don't want you to do anything to protect yourself so later on I can take advantage of that'. When someone says 'I don't want anything monetary', whip out that post-nuptial and say 'sign here'. Win-win Of course, law will proscribe appropriate child support and any decent father will be happy to support his children within the letter of the law. Defining that letter is the job of a good attorney. Based on what I'm reading, if the next exchange doesn't go well, fire that one. They're not being proactive and thinking ahead. Getting ahead is what helps one lose less in divorce, as no one wins. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 carhill, as always thank you. Funny you mentioned the post nuptial agreement. I had her sign it as fast as my attorney could draw it up in the first 15 days after she said she didnt want anything. It stated i keep all my cash, investments, debt, cars and the same for her. We both signed it, my attorney labeled it as a Rule 11 agreement. Now, we are 61 days past the initial filed date (my state must wait 61 days) and she has lawyer-ed up. She said she is only protecting herself and our child. I asked what is it that she wants and she said she only wants a settlement. i said ok i will give you half of my cash and she agreed. She said there are other small items and we need to go over on the decree. We are meeting soon and i will update. I hate that i have to see and talk to her because i dont think it is helping my healing process. But this has to be done as not to pay the attorneys anymore money for any extra time... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 So, it appears you voluntarily agreed to modify the terms of your post-nuptial agreement, correct? IOW, giving her 'half the cash' wasn't in the original agreement and you changed your mind at her request. If so, I hope that change was put into legal terms, as vacating a portion of the post-nup could lead to the slippery slope of vacating all of it if such a request is made and a judge sees it her way. The way I see it is your life's work is important to you, just as hers is to her. She's not looking out for your life's work. That's your job. The better you protect it, the better and more completely you can provide for your child. Win-win Other than e-mails regarding divorce business, I only had contact with my exW four times in the eighteen months it took for us to divorce; twice at the courthouse and twice at mediation. I didn't mind that at all. It was business and we needed to conclude it. IMO, if you keep that mindset, you'll do fine. Myself, I learned it from my exW. She was a good teacher. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 So, it appears you voluntarily agreed to modify the terms of your post-nuptial agreement, correct? IOW, giving her 'half the cash' wasn't in the original agreement and you changed your mind at her request. If so, I hope that change was put into legal terms, as vacating a portion of the post-nup could lead to the slippery slope of vacating all of it if such a request is made and a judge sees it her way. The way I see it is your life's work is important to you, just as hers is to her. She's not looking out for your life's work. That's your job. The better you protect it, the better and more completely you can provide for your child. Win-win Other than e-mails regarding divorce business, I only had contact with my exW four times in the eighteen months it took for us to divorce; twice at the courthouse and twice at mediation. I didn't mind that at all. It was business and we needed to conclude it. IMO, if you keep that mindset, you'll do fine. Myself, I learned it from my exW. She was a good teacher. My state is a community property state and the amount i will give her i can make back in a couple of months so it wont sting as much. I have not cut the check yet... i was going to change the decree terms first and cut the check after the divorce is final. On a side note, like most people, I do not like the waiting game Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 My state is also community property and also recognizes settlement agreements, which don't necessarily have to follow community property statutes if the parties agree. If you can make back in a couple months what you're giving her, I salute you. Good show. I'll be working another ten years to get back what I gave up in the divorce. That said, I protected my ability and opportunity to do that, something which could have gone a very different direction. For myself, other than dealing with procedural foulups, I had no issues waiting, both for the cooling off period and to get things finalized. It was just another part of the business day. Perhaps being involved in end of life care for my mom diverted my attentions so it (the divorce) really wasn't on my mind that much. Small gifts I guess. You'll get through it. Out about 10 months, the final filing and dissolution seems like a lifetime ago to me. I can't even remember who I was back then. Time to move forward Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 She and I met for dinner to discuss the terms of the divorce. It was a good conversation and we settled everything. I didnt want to look at her too much for fear of being set back in the healing process. Throughout the dinner i started to look at her more and more and realized she is just a regular person and not the goddess i have built in my mind (since i have not see her in more than a month). i walked her to her car and we exchange a "half sided hug" she asked me if i wanted to join her and my child for my childs birthday on friday. I hesitated for a second while i ran the scenario over in my mind. My mind said that my heart was not aching over this episode so say yes for dinner and roll the dice to see if you will hurt. I know the invitation was only to spend time with my child for my child's birthday so my guard was up. I am walking on thin ice but i want to see where i am at in my progress. i will update on my feelings tomorrow. Remember i am only 2 months from being separated.... Good night all, tomorrow is another day. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 'Regular person' and becoming 'polite strangers' after being intimate were two of the largest lessons I took away from the divorce process. In the past, in LTR's, it was break up and bye bye, never to see them again. There was no 'de-evolving' of the relationship back to the person being essentially a stranger with whom there was no intimacy. I think my exW and I were at about that point when we 'officially' separated for purposes of divorce. Kids are only with us a brief period before they're out in the world. Enjoy every second you can with them. Just block out all the stbx and divorce stuff. You can do it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 carhill, how does one continue the healing process (in my case) when i am around her for the sake of our child? Within the first month of separation she has asked me if i wanted to spend the day at an event with her and my child but at the time i was still in very much pain. After seeing her yesterday, i feel ok but not 100% healed. She doesnt seem to hurt one bit which is fine, it is what it is and i do not hate her for this. I know the divorce is best for us because i was not happy in the last few years of marriage and neither was she. I have seen her twice this week but only because we were talking about divorce issues. I have felt anxiety but mainly because of her retaining a lawyer at the last minute. Again, i know her asking me to be around is NOT to reconcile but to spend time for our child's birthday... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 We had MC late in the process in an attempt to 'fix' things and that long period of counseling, over a year, actually served me well as 'exit' counseling, facilitating different perspectives on the necessary interactions during the D process. I won't speak for my exW but I will say it helped me immensely. I doubt an amicable divorce could have been possible without it. We didn't have children so I can't really speak to that aspect specifically; my instinct is you will find a path which is the most beneficial for the child and you'll both bend to facilitate it. It's possible Remember, one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tryin Hard 2 Make It Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 We had MC late in the process in an attempt to 'fix' things and that long period of counseling, over a year, actually served me well as 'exit' counseling, facilitating different perspectives on the necessary interactions during the D process. I won't speak for my exW but I will say it helped me immensely. I doubt an amicable divorce could have been possible without it. We didn't have children so I can't really speak to that aspect specifically; my instinct is you will find a path which is the most beneficial for the child and you'll both bend to facilitate it. It's possible Remember, one day at a time. Thank you. Again, all your input is greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
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