JaneyAmazed Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks to everyone for posting. For those who don't know my story small summary : 1 year A with MW. I was single OM. She is someone I know since childhood that what made it very romantic and undying-love-type A but it has not been any different from other typical A. We ended the A 1 year ago in tremendous pain, she decided to confess and I walked. When the dust settled at home she began to come back and forth pretending to work on her M meanwhile breaking NC with me. For a couple of time looking how desperate and needy she would come back I thought this woman really loves me but looking at her actions I realized that she is just screwed up and even if she loves me she is not able to plan and build a healthy relationship not only with me but even with her current H. Yes I know I was sucked back to the same thing. A romantic escape made me dream for a while but at the end I stopped and told myself "are you going to vacations with someone else's wife?" And the very idea that she sleeps next to another man just disgusted me. All this is just cake eating, nothing more nothing less. She wants to preserve her comfort and security and have emotional bonding and good sex with me, the best of both worlds...so typical. I told her I don't want to go anywhere with her while she is still married and she was pissed off. Oh well. I will go on my own vacations and even if it has to be not so fun at least I'm not accepting to play a happy couple and then go back home as if nothing happened. I'm not sure if I ever read your whole story, but after reading this I feel very sorry for your xMW's husband. If he knew that she was "pissed" because she couldn't cheat on him again, I would hope he'd throw her out the door and then you could have her all to yourself. :DThis is just my opinion, I think he needs to know that she's contacted you. I know how it feels to grieve and miss and hurt overing losing my xOM. I know how it feels to get bored sometimes and miss the excitement, but hell if I will act on any of it. I think about the hell I've put my H though. If I were to sneak around and make plans with xOM, I would so deserve to be kicked out on my butt. I can look my H in the eye now and know that I am exactly who he thinks I am. I am a faithful wife, and I do it for us, not just my kids. I don't believe in staying in a marriage just for the kids. The kids are already affected, whether your xMW believes or not, by her behavior. Affairs spill over into all areas of life. Kids are not immune to it. Over the months I've realized how much I don't want to lose my H. If nothing else, consider her H the next time she contacts you. Consider there is a man that possibly loves her more or as much as you do that believes she isn't cheating anymore. It's very easy to become self-absorbed (I should know) in these situations. The people who have been betrayed deserve respect, and she is being very disrespectful. You seem like such a good guy, East. I know someone out there will be very lucky to have you. You've been through so much, and you have the makings of a true knight in shining armour. Your scars will only make you stronger and wiser. They already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Oh East... I'm afraid of how much of a set-back this can be. 2 things... 1. Go on this vacation, make sure that is a very secluded, better yet DESERTED ISLAND, tie her a$$ to a tree and take your little boat home. LOL! or 2. Just tell her that you're not a PT option any longer. Play your worth!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author East7 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks to everyone for the posts, I am so thankful to everyone and all the posts are very wise. I was badly tempted to go but luckily reading the posts yesterday calmed me down. I never wanted to block her because I consider cowardice to block a woman and avoid to face the contact with her. I just want to be able to deal with her like an adult and tell her NO when it is worth an answer. @Janey : she claimed she confessed and wanted to work on her marriage. Her H forgave her and he doesn't know that she wants to go somewhere with me. I do feel sorry for him. Who would want a wife like that? But she always make it look like she loves me more than him, still staying with him, that's all the trick of an A.. @Mimi, you crack me up @growingpains, yes I should definitely reread my posts. I have forgotten what I have been going through cuz at the end nothing will change, she won't change anything. I already know what would happen if we meet : we'll go crazy abouit each-other then, everyone will go home and we will both feel like crap, she will feel guilty for cheating and I will feel bad to let her go back to H. @Owl. I greatly appreciate your post but the question wasn't really blocking or not blocking but rather me wondering: is it worth to invest in a short term opportunity/ gratification knowing that the outcome would be the same then before : No change! If my goal was to be with her at the end, it doesn't serve my goal so no worth for the effort. So my answer should have been : Get a D and we can go anywhere you like honey.. @Tiger...tu es mon chou nothing else to add... @GLinda, so true ! @frozen - thanks for considering I have the power. At least I have the power to protect myself from more hurt. She stirring my feelings doesn't hurt that much but we 2 going in vacations together like 2 normal people and then going back to reality, that would hurt like helll. Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 @Owl. I greatly appreciate your post but the question wasn't really blocking or not blocking but rather me wondering: is it worth to invest in a short term opportunity/ gratification knowing that the outcome would be the same then before : No change! If my goal was to be with her at the end, it doesn't serve my goal so no worth for the effort. So my answer should have been : Get a D and we can go anywhere you like honey.. Hi East, Is it your current goal to be with this woman in the end then???? C :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 So, East...have you blocked her emails yet? Removed her from your contacts lists, blocked her from calling your phones/texting/etc...? Have you ACTIVELY taken measures to prevent further contact with her now? Or are you leaving the door open for this to happen all over again a few months down the road when she grows bored again?I'm with OWL on this one. Why subject yourself to her reaching at you when her life is boring? I'm certain you've told her what you wanted right? and she can't even respect that. I'll tell you if my xMW came to me and did what yours did....I'd tell her to go fu*k herself. What a complete slap in your face. I have to say there is something seriously broken in someone who cannot take the steps to get out of a unhappy marriage. KIDS is not a reason to stay and I can assure you. She'll realize down the road how much more she is screwing up her kids showing what template of marriage should be like. Looks like she hasn't learned nothing..... Oh BTW you are not out of the woods yet....the fact you still have that speck of hope. UGH Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks to everyone for posting. For those who don't know my story small summary : 1 year A with MW. I was single OM. She is someone I know since childhood that what made it very romantic and undying-love-type A but it has not been any different from other typical A. We ended the A 1 year ago in tremendous pain, she decided to confess and I walked. When the dust settled at home she began to come back and forth pretending to work on her M meanwhile breaking NC with me. For a couple of time looking how desperate and needy she would come back I thought this woman really loves me but looking at her actions I realized that she is just screwed up and even if she loves me she is not able to plan and build a healthy relationship not only with me but even with her current H. Yes I know I was sucked back to the same thing. A romantic escape made me dream for a while but at the end I stopped and told myself "are you going to vacations with someone else's wife?" And the very idea that she sleeps next to another man just disgusted me. All this is just cake eating, nothing more nothing less. She wants to preserve her comfort and security and have emotional bonding and good sex with me, the best of both worlds...so typical. I told her I don't want to go anywhere with her while she is still married and she was pissed off. Oh well. I will go on my own vacations and even if it has to be not so fun at least I'm not accepting to play a happy couple and then go back home as if nothing happened. East ... YOU NAILED IT! You should go on your own vacation -- and soon. Treat yourself to a great time --- and lots of tempting eye candy for you to look at I'm so proud of you East! I knew you could do it. Stay strong and put yourself first mon chou oh and I checked out the movie trailer you gave the link to. I hadn't even heard of that movie, but I totally see what you mean. oh and p.s. my boyfriend has a crush on Keira Knightly too Ditto Ditto Ditto! Um... Tiger...... do you have something to share???? Link to post Share on other sites
FightClub Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 It's unfortunate that you keep putting yourself in this situation of talking to her. East, this is not NC, because you are still communicating with her. If I was in contact with my exMW at all, I would be in shambles, broken, unable to move forward wondering why things are what they are but I'm not and neither should you, you just have to either block her or resist any further contact. There are days, nights when I still feel her, the memory and the connection but it's been a slow process that I'm slowly moving away from everyday. You have to do the same my friend, like my exMW it is unlikely she will ever find the truth in her reality/fiction until she has silence within herself - away from everyone and everything but her own mind. But it takes someone who wants to make a real choice and decide to pursue it to really move forward. So you be the one to pursue that silence...No Contact. -FC Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 It's unfortunate that you keep putting yourself in this situation of talking to her. East, this is not NC, because you are still communicating with her. If I was in contact with my exMW at all, I would be in shambles, broken, unable to move forward wondering why things are what they are but I'm not and neither should you, you just have to either block her or resist any further contact. There are days, nights when I still feel her, the memory and the connection but it's been a slow process that I'm slowly moving away from everyday. You have to do the same my friend, like my exMW it is unlikely she will ever find the truth in her reality/fiction until she has silence within herself - away from everyone and everything but her own mind. But it takes someone who wants to make a real choice and decide to pursue it to really move forward. So you be the one to pursue that silence...No Contact. -FC Well said! I totally I agree with you FightClub. Blocking her is not being cowardice, East. It's being logical and smart! It's necessary with NC. I'd rather not have the option at all to respond by blocking than to deal with the temptations of responding. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Um... Tiger...... do you have something to share???? Oh, I've been with my boyfriend for months now. He was my first love :love: happened definitely after the A had been over, and I told him about it too - he still loves me, and said that he actually never got over me I love him and I'm very happy oh and btw, I love your new pic!! Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 East! So glad you didn't give in to her need for an ego boost. Well actually you did by communicating with her, but DON'T do that again...OKAY?! Stay NC! These married people who don't have the guts to stand on their own have nerve don't they?! They have no idea and couldn't care less about the turmoil they bring into our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I wasn't being sarcastic at all. The OP is obviously not much concerned about the moral or ethical impact of being an OM. All he cares about is that it makes him feel "bad" or "used." He's sad not because he's involved with a cheater, but because he can't persuade her to leave her husband for himself. In other words he's sad because he hasn't been able to seduce the MW sufficiently to get her to "fall in love" with him and leave her husband. That being the case, he should just enjoy the sex with her and not be so overly dramatic about the fact that his role in her life is just a boy toy. Do you apply the same principle to OW on here? This is kinda sexist. Sounds like you are telling him to enjoy an all-inclusive package while he's at it. Wonder if the same applies to women on here? Do you tell them "Yeah f it! Go on vaca with your MM, milk him and Mile High club it while you're at it".???? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 East...the only question left is why do you allow it? Do you think it ungentlemenly to block her? Are you afraid she will think less of you? Why? You already know what she thinks of yoiur feelings. Do you still like the ego boost? The fantasy? If someone hurts me over and over and over again, or selfishly uses me to escape their boredom, the only question left for me would be what do I gain by allowing it? What do you gain by allowing continued contact with this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 So basically xMW broke the NC and told me she has been missing me like hell and she is dying to see me again. We exchanged news and she proposed to meet for this summer. She gave me her available dates and proposed that we go somewhere by the sea to spend a couple of days together. She told me to pick the hotel and place I like, she doesn't mind, just wants to be with me... All my lessons learned are like forgotten. She has badly stirred my feelings. Part of me wants so bad to see her again and another part wants to run away afraid to be hurt again. She said her marriage is not any better and she is staying for the child only (typical...) but not mentioned any intention to divorce. So no hopes whatsoever, just her addiction ruling her and me indirectly. So Im somehow trying to find myself excuses : "go and have fun"/ "she is offering herself on a plate, why refusing" etc etc. But I know that when I'll see her I will crush again and it will hurt like hell to let her go and say goodbye. F***! I was doing so well, now I miss her again and the old feeling....Im confused. Don't do it to yourself and stop the confusion! Tell her you would love to go on vacation with her as soon as she gets a divorce! Link to post Share on other sites
Author East7 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 It sounds like she is simply offering up some NSA fun on a weekend getaway. Assuming she foots the bill for the accommodation, you should take her up on it. Actually she offered to pay for everything ! I swear. I refused though, I have some pride left. What is NSA ? never heard before. I wasn't being sarcastic at all. The OP is obviously not much concerned about the moral or ethical impact of being an OM. All he cares about is that it makes him feel "bad" or "used." He's sad not because he's involved with a cheater, but because he can't persuade her to leave her husband for himself. In other words he's sad because he hasn't been able to seduce the MW sufficiently to get her to "fall in love" with him and leave her husband. That being the case, he should just enjoy the sex with her and not be so overly dramatic about the fact that his role in her life is just a boy toy . I don't know if she is 'sufficiently' in love with me but she is sufficiently pining after me for sure I could have the "Go-and-f***-her mindset" but it is not that simple, there are too much feelings involved and it takes next to nothing to rekindle them. ToyBoy? I dont think so, she has suffered too much for a toyboy then You cant judge the feelings if you don't know the whole story. I do think she loves me but that is a selfish kind of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I'm curious tho, East...why DON'T you block her, remove her from your life completely, given that you know she's not changing her situation??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author East7 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I'm curious tho, East...why DON'T you block her, remove her from your life completely, given that you know she's not changing her situation??? Because I have never believed in 'blocking' as a measure to prevent anything except in case of a weak emotionnal situation to face the person. For me it is like sticking the head in the sand. I'm doing fine really. I am not afraid of her. I consider facing her and giving the answers she deserves is being more confident. NSA = National Security Agency. A high-level spy outfit in the U.S.A. government. Oh thanks, I know what NSA is but inserted in your statement above it doesn't make sense to me. I thought it means smth else. Link to post Share on other sites
TinaniT Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Because I have never believed in 'blocking' as a measure to prevent anything except in case of a weak emotionnal situation to face the person. For me it is like sticking the head in the sand. I'm doing fine really. I am not afraid of her. I consider facing her and giving the answers she deserves is being more confident. Oh thanks, I know what NSA is but inserted in your statement above it doesn't make sense to me. I thought it means smth else. NSA traditionally means No Strings Attached in that context. Only problem is there are already a whole jumbled mess of strings in your case. Only thing to do is cut them. You feel used; no one deserves to feel like that. Don't let her use you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Because I have never believed in 'blocking' as a measure to prevent anything except in case of a weak emotionnal situation to face the person. For me it is like sticking the head in the sand. I'm doing fine really. I am not afraid of her. I consider facing her and giving the answers she deserves is being more confident. I guess I don't get it. You noted at the beginning of this thread that this all "set you back" big time. You know that she's going to do this again...and that you're equally likely to be "set back" again as a result...or even potentially resume the affair? How is leaving that door open in any way a better solution than preventing further contact and set back? I won't push it any further. I understand that you're not going to change the situation. I just truly believe that by leaving this door open...you're keeping hope alive that she's going to 'come back to you' in some fashion. You've not yet moved on...you're still holding out the hope that she'll change and/or somehow the two of you will be together again. I could be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 NSA = National Security Agency. A high-level spy outfit in the U.S.A. government. I think your wrong NSA = No Strings Attached I think thats what she meant.... Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Oh, I've been with my boyfriend for months now. He was my first love :love: happened definitely after the A had been over, and I told him about it too - he still loves me, and said that he actually never got over me I love him and I'm very happy oh and btw, I love your new pic!! awww..... so happy for you Tiger! SO VERY HAPPY!!! :love: Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 awww..... so happy for you Tiger! SO VERY HAPPY!!! :love: Aaawww thanks Fooled You're always so sweet and encouraging Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts