Is it time to stop being the OM

[confused_88]

OK. This may get a little long winded. And honestly, I don't really care if many, or any of you read it. Just writing this is a catharsis I need. If there was a spot for a sub-title, it would read, "Be careful what you wish for".

 

Given the nature of this forum, I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the term limerence. That is how all of this started. The object of my attention was a married woman, with children. Let me start by saying that I am single, with no kids. Shortly after I met her, I found myself thinking about her. She is a very attractive woman, but none of my thoughts were of the sexual variety. I often found myself, at some random time of the day or evening, honestly wondering if she was ok. I cared for her. I had not carried on more than a few casual conversations with her, yet still I was constantly thinking about her. Hoping she was doing ok. It was so bizarre. The only way I could describe it, which obviously makes no sense, is that I must have known her in a previous life. I know, I know...ridiculous, but I digress.

 

So these thoughts went on, ad nauseum...for months and months. I ended up injuring myself in a motorcycle accident, and was laid up on pain medication. Well surprisingly, one of the side effects of the pain medication was that I stopped thinking about her. Through motivation and perserverence, I got back my strength, and kicked the pills. No sooner than I got my life back, she started to contact me. Innocent enough at first, a smoke break here, casual conversation there. But pretty soon, and completely off guard we started exchanging emails. It became quite evident that she saw me as a good friend.

 

Flash forward a month after these messages. After a drive for coffee, we pulled over to talk, and before you know it, we exchanged a kiss. That kiss is permanently ingrained into my mind, my soul, and my heart. And so the affair began.

 

And how it progressed...sneaking away to make love in some random parking lot, incessant I love you messages. Even a trip away, where, it finally happened...he found out. And this is where it stands now. She keeps telling me that she wants to be with me (and I'm sorry I'm new to this forum but I bet this statement is a dime a dozen here). She keeps telling me, "this weekend, him or I are moving out." and sure enough, the time comes, and no resolution...and now the latest.

 

Given the summer, the schedule with children, she will move out in 10 weeks (once school starts). Let me say that her husband does not want separation. He actually went so far as to call me, and tell me how everything has been amazing with her, which she vehemently disagrees with. I feel like I've been putting my life on hold. For so may months I could not get this woman out of my mind...and she had no idea. Then, lo and behold, she is in love with me. But it seems to me that she is unwilling to take *any* step to show me she is ready to move on with her life. She still wears her ring...exchanges texts with the husband during the day, and has to account for her whereabouts. All the while telling me that he understands the she doesn't love him and that it is over.

 

Ok...so here's my question. Do I wait out the 2 months...do I walk away...or do I run?

 

and if you any of you read this whole thing I appreciate it, like I said this was mostly for me to see this in print, and help me make my own decision. Hope everyone is having a nice 4th.

[Tenacity]

Oh, wow.

 

If you want to end up in my shoes, only 4 years of wasted life later, then you should keep on this road.

 

It just gets harder to get off the rollercoaster the longer you wait. Trust me on that.

 

Some A's do work out in the long term. They are very rare though. If she is putting you off now, it is a very strong sign that she is not going to leave.

 

I am sorry

 

We are here for you though. To vent, or whatever you need. People here have propped me up many times; they will do the same for you.

[confused_88]

Thanks for the reply. Just knowing that there are others out here who have gone through similar predicaments, and are sympathetic, helps...more than the words I write could ever say. Thank you.

[fooled once]

OK. This may get a little long winded. And honestly, I don't really care if many, or any of you read it. Just writing this is a catharsis I need. If there was a spot for a sub-title, it would read, "Be careful what you wish for".

 

Given the nature of this forum, I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the term limerence. That is how all of this started. The object of my attention was a married woman, with children. Let me start by saying that I am single, with no kids. Shortly after I met her, I found myself thinking about her. She is a very attractive woman, but none of my thoughts were of the sexual variety. I often found myself, at some random time of the day or evening, honestly wondering if she was ok. I cared for her. I had not carried on more than a few casual conversations with her, yet still I was constantly thinking about her. Hoping she was doing ok. It was so bizarre. The only way I could describe it, which obviously makes no sense, is that I must have known her in a previous life. I know, I know...ridiculous, but I digress.

 

So these thoughts went on, ad nauseum...for months and months. I ended up injuring myself in a motorcycle accident, and was laid up on pain medication. Well surprisingly, one of the side effects of the pain medication was that I stopped thinking about her. Through motivation and perserverence, I got back my strength, and kicked the pills. No sooner than I got my life back, she started to contact me. Innocent enough at first, a smoke break here, casual conversation there. But pretty soon, and completely off guard we started exchanging emails. It became quite evident that she saw me as a good friend.

 

Flash forward a month after these messages. After a drive for coffee, we pulled over to talk, and before you know it, we exchanged a kiss. That kiss is permanently ingrained into my mind, my soul, and my heart. And so the affair began.

 

And how it progressed...sneaking away to make love in some random parking lot, incessant I love you messages. Even a trip away, where, it finally happened...he found out. And this is where it stands now. She keeps telling me that she wants to be with me (and I'm sorry I'm new to this forum but I bet this statement is a dime a dozen here). She keeps telling me, "this weekend, him or I are moving out." and sure enough, the time comes, and no resolution...and now the latest.

 

Given the summer, the schedule with children, she will move out in 10 weeks (once school starts). Let me say that her husband does not want separation. He actually went so far as to call me, and tell me how everything has been amazing with her, which she vehemently disagrees with. I feel like I've been putting my life on hold. For so may months I could not get this woman out of my mind...and she had no idea. Then, lo and behold, she is in love with me. But it seems to me that she is unwilling to take *any* step to show me she is ready to move on with her life. She still wears her ring...exchanges texts with the husband during the day, and has to account for her whereabouts. All the while telling me that he understands the she doesn't love him and that it is over.

 

Ok...so here's my question. Do I wait out the 2 months...do I walk away...or do I run?

 

and if you any of you read this whole thing I appreciate it, like I said this was mostly for me to see this in print, and help me make my own decision. Hope everyone is having a nice 4th.

 

Run

 

Get out and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!

 

And if she ever does really separate, tell her to call you when the divorce is final.

[carhill]

My opinion would be to accept her timeline of two months as the boundary, wish her well and go NC so she can proceed without distraction. If her actions match her words, set another timeline. If not, wish her well and move on.

 

I am curious, though my question is not really pertinent to the topic. Was she aware of your motorcycle injury and convalescence?

 

 

Yes, I've been through it.

[confused_88]

I am curious, though my question is not really pertinent to the topic. Was she aware of your motorcycle injury and convalescence?

 

yes, she knows about it. though she does not know the extent to which I got hooked on the pain medication. happy to report 6 months clear of that fiasco.

[carhill]

More specifically, did she know about it contemporaneously? You said that you felt later that she came to consider you as a good friend and I'm wanting to understand the timeline better. I've had enough OM experiences to develop a theory, at least relevant to my own psychology. Your anecdote could help. Since you've already made a decision to 'stop', it's kind of irrelevant except perhaps from the standpoint of clarity, in order to avoid/diffuse such circumstances in the future. Happy to read you recovered fully from your injuries.

[MissBee]

You have a gut feeling about it. The way you're telling your story and posing your question shows that you have a feeling about how this will end up, as well as past experience with the same kinda thing from the same person. Trust your feelings. I stand by the rule of not allowing anyone to reject me, whether directly or indirectly, more than twice.

Edited July 5, 2011 by MissBee

[confused_88]

More specifically, did she know about it contemporaneously? You said that you felt later that she came to consider you as a good friend and I'm wanting to understand the timeline better. I've had enough OM experiences to develop a theory, at least relevant to my own psychology. Your anecdote could help. Since you've already made a decision to 'stop', it's kind of irrelevant except perhaps from the standpoint of clarity, in order to avoid/diffuse such circumstances in the future. Happy to read you recovered fully from your injuries.

 

would you mind clarifying this question? Not sure what you are asking

[confused_88]

let me just say that this is hardest thing I've ever gone through. When I've thought about my ideal woman...my dream girl. She is far above and beyond anything that I could have ever hoped for...

[chalkfarm]

My opinion would be to accept her timeline of two months as the boundary, wish her well and go NC so she can proceed without distraction. If her actions match her words, set another timeline. If not, wish her well and move on.

 

I am curious, though my question is not really pertinent to the topic. Was she aware of your motorcycle injury and convalescence?

 

 

Yes, I've been through it.

Absolutely!

 

Remove yourself from the situation entirely and hold firm. You will survive the break. In the instance that she waffles, you will not be present to be further injured. I know that you want to be available for her during these trying times but put yourself first. Love you best right now.

[whichwayisup]

let me just say that this is hardest thing I've ever gone through. When I've thought about my ideal woman...my dream girl. She is far above and beyond anything that I could have ever hoped for...

 

What's it based on? Reality? A shared life? You only know the parts of her she's shown you.. Hope that makes sense to you.

[Emme]

I say you enjoy your summer. Eat, drink, have lots of sex with strangers and be merry. You don't invest any more emotion into this woman until she has made a final decision that tells you she is serious. The communication with the husband is going to be the norm so you have to get use to it. I know you might not like it but they have children and a history. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Run. This woman is taken, and has a life built already with someone else. She has children with him. Day in and day out she LIVES LIFE with her husband and children.. That isn't going to change.

 

Do you want to be her side dish? Feed her ego, be there for her when she calls? Drop your life for her frame, when she can 'fit you into her schedule'? YOU will be there for her, but she won't be there for you .. Oh wait, she will, but on HER terms and time frame.

 

Maybe she cares about you, even loves you, but she loves herself MORE.

 

You deserve someone who will be all yours, not someone who goes home to a husband and children after you are with her.

[confused_88]

Thank you all for your replies. I needed them. So much of what you have all said has resonated with me. I guess in my mind these thoughts have been there all along. I realize that throughout this, I have been unfair to one person - myself. I have put my life on hold, I've stopped doing the things I usually do. I hang on her every whim. I have to reclaim my life. I just don't know how to begin.

[TurningTables]

Hiya confused. I so like your name. Suits me well. lol

 

Anyways, You asked how you start living your life again? You start by NC. You need to delete everything you have that is hers. Her email, FB, cell. After you get all that done, cry if you need to. Let it out. Then you pick yourself up, and concentrate on work and your friends. I have started running on a treadmill,listening to kick a@@ music like Eminem to get the anger out. Go out and have fun. I know, its easier said than done.

 

Dont ever wait on someone to make a deicision on whether or not they want you in their life. They already know that answer. Ive learned from here on LS that no one is where they dont want to be. You always have a choice and you are in control of your own life so Take it back.

 

Good luck to you.

[carhill]

would you mind clarifying this question? Not sure what you are asking

Did she have knowledge of it when it happened or did she find out later, after you had fully recovered?

 

Example A: 'Did you hear about confused_88's motorcycle crash? Yeah, he's in the hospital and all banged up. They say he's going to be off for awhile.'

 

Example B: 'Oh, you're wondering where confused_88 has been for six months? Well, he had an accident on his motorcycle and has been recovering for six months'

 

Topically, my advice is to continue psychological recovery from your injuries/medication addiction and enjoy a brisk social life with others while the lady sorts out her M. If she proactively follows her words with actions, then consider that juxtaposed to what comes down the pike in the rest of your social life. She's one potential, currently unavailable right now. Maybe that will change. Maybe not. It's outside of your control.

[carhill]

We're all damaged goods. He considers her a potential. It's not my place to advise him otherwise, rather to assist him in finding a healthy path for him. I was in his place many years ago and know the pain of the path I chose; the path of burden. That doesn't mean his path is required to or necessarily has to be the same. Different people, different times, different lives.

 

You'll note I counsel no contact, timelines and healthy boundaries, along with entertaining other potentials. Those are the lessons I learned from history. His may be different. The future is unknown. I'm helping him with today, this minute. I'm sure he'll consider your perspective along with mine and everyone elses and come to a decision which is healthy for him.

[Owl]

Thank you all for your replies. I needed them. So much of what you have all said has resonated with me. I guess in my mind these thoughts have been there all along. I realize that throughout this, I have been unfair to one person - myself. I have put my life on hold, I've stopped doing the things I usually do. I hang on her every whim. I have to reclaim my life. I just don't know how to begin.

 

You DO know where to begin.

 

You just don't like the answer to that question.

 

Bottom line...you know where you need to get to...you know what your goal is.

 

So...when are you going to START MOVING TOWARDS IT???

 

WHEN will you start reclaiming your life? Not how...you know that...but WHEN will you finally take that step to make the change and start towards your goal?

 

I vote for today...but my vote doesn't matter...only yours does.

[confused_88]

I agree with the fact that, to some extent, we are all damaged goods. We all have our own baggage. If I wait for someone without baggage, I'll never be with someone.

 

Bearing that in mind, just because she got married, does it not mean that she deserves another chance to find true love? Isn't the beautiful thing about life that we all get second chances to make life the way we want? Maybe I'm getting to philosophical here.

 

I want to go NC...but that is impossible due to the fact that I see her every day during the week. Supposedly she is moving out this weekend now. So, in a way, this is it...if something changes about the timetable after this weekend. I will go NC, start by taking some of my vacation time I have coming up...and reclaim my life. So I guess it's just a few more days, and I will know, once and for all.

 

Thanks for all your replies and insights. Helps more than you know.