Should one admit to snooping or keep that to him/herself?

[nevertoolate]

I used to check my boyfriend's e-mail daily after he admitted to lying to me about his interactions with other women. We talked about it and made some changes and things eventually got better between us. Since I never liked the feeling of needing to check up on him, I made a commitment to stop checking and I refrained from checking his e-mail for about 8 months. (It was so freeing to not be checking it!!)

 

But about a month or so ago I began to feel suspicious about his interaction with his ex-wife and I started checking his e-mail again. I've seen a couple e-mails now where she's sending him pictures of herself (fully clothed at least) and a sweet e-mail sending "big kisses" and signing off with "Love You" (she's remarried...!).

 

Nothing is too over the top here (she's kept her top on in the photos, there seems to be no dirty-flirty messaging)... But it makes me sad and uncomfortable and I feel it is inappropriate. I feel like it crosses the line if we are considering ourselves a couple and monogamous (which we are!). Why is he asking for pictures???

 

I have such a hard time deciding whether or not to break up with this guy. Two of my biggest struggles with him are 1. Considering the lying in the past, he doesn't seem to make EVERY effort to calm my nerves about his interactions with women now and 2. If I somehow hurt his feelings (usually by choosing to visit my family without him (which happens 2 to 3 times a year) or miss a call/text from him and don't call/text back soon enough), yes if I hurt his feelings then he doesn't talk to me about it, rather he runs off and goes out with his friends and gets drunk and doesn't tell me what he's doing. Then I try to discuss how his actions worry and hurt me and he brings up how I hurt his feelings in the first place...! I think I am going to talk about this with my sister, so I'll share with her more details and hopefully that will help me figure it out.

 

What I'm really wondering about here is discussing the fact that I'm snooping in his e-mail. I'm so embarrassed that I resort to that. Are people generally more understanding than I think about snooping? My sister is very loving and I do not see her as judgmental. But I'm still embarrassed to tell even her. Should I tell my boyfriend at any point?

[PegNosePete]

He is having inappropriate contact with his ex. In these circumstances, that is a bigger crime than snooping. He has lied and (emotionally) cheated in the past and therefore checking his emails is totally justified. Rather than confess your snooping, you should confront him about the emails with his ex. Don't let him blame-shift or change the topic to your snooping. It is his actions that are under discussion not yours.

[nevertoolate]

Pete, thanks so much for your response and support. It really helps to have someone affirm my feelings that what my boyfriend is doing is inappropriate.

 

I actually had an opportunity to talk to him this morning. I asked if he's been having any inappropriate interaction with any women lately which he denied several times over. I don't have access to his phone, so I asked permission to look through it.

 

I found that all the texts from his ex-wife had been deleted except for a couple from yesterday. This is odd because he has all the texts saved from everyone else in his contact list. I questioned him on this and after trying to make up a phony explanation he confessed they have been inappropriately texting each other.

 

He's at work now, but we left it at an agreement that he will inform his ex that he's drawing between them because he is in a committed relationship with me. He will show me their conversation (all via text, that's how they primarily communicate).

 

I do care for this man and I want him in my life right now. I don't know how long we'll be together (we're both non-traditional students in our 30s, school is ending in one year). In our time together, I've given him several chances. He puts up with a lot of depression and anxiety from me. But I've never cheated on him; I've never deceived him about my interaction with any man. If he can draw a line and stick to it, hopefully that will help me feel more secure and less jealous.

[nevertoolate]

I say I want this man at 10 am then after a few hours of mulling it over, I am back at a place of wondering why I keep him in my life. It's been a year and a half of forgiving one inappropriate interaction after another. The toughest offense was a couple days after I had broken up with him at one point (yes, I'd broken up with him, but you know that hurts when it happens so quickly).

 

I have this problem where I ruminate over my problems with him. I'm so tired of living my life like this.

[PegNosePete]

a year and a half of forgiving one inappropriate interaction after another

Zero consequences of his actions mean zero motivation to change them. If you just keep letting him off, he will keep doing it forever.

 

I'm so tired of living my life like this.

Well - there's only one person who can change that! Take control girl. Don't accept bad behaviour. You deserve better.