i feel so lost

[louise_23]

:sick:i dont know where to start.

 

ok, so im 23, i started seeing this guy who's 11yrs older than me when i was 16. we lived together 4yrs. Last year, things were struggling and i said i think we needed time apart. so i moved out in june. we carried on seeing eachother and trying to work through things.

unbeknown to me, 2 weeks after i'd moved out he was already sleeping with someone else. i didnt find this out until he stayed at christmas. all the while he had been seeing me, saying he loved me and the rest, he had been having her round our house after id gone. she sent me a particularly vile email after he refused to tell the truth about details of their relationship. he had taken her on holiday and everything.

 

needless to say me and him had a massive argument and i was furious. i told him i didnt want to see him again.

 

so round march time this yr, he phoned me, upset, saying how sorry he was. i offered to meet up with him... and he declined. its played on my mind since then, and its approaching a year since i moved out. ive began to really miss what we had and ive had time to calm down. i phoned him today for a chat and to see if he wanted to meet up just to talk or something, and he hit me with the fact he has been in another relationship for months - so his upset phone call meant nothing, because he was sleeping with someone else already (again). he went on to say he had feelings for her and all the rest of it, and he hopes i can be as happy as him one day. he also blamed me for everything thats happened because i moved out.

 

im soooooo crushed. this seems to hurt more than the first time. in a haze of tears i took every ticket, receipt, photo, card that i kept from the relationship, crammed them into an envelope and posted them to him tonight with a letter saying how much i hate him and i hope someone does it to him one day. im not sure why i did that to be honest.

 

i just dont know what to do, i feel beyond desperation. i contemplated ending it all a few hours ago. i cant feel like this, its the most crushing feeling.

 

what should i do? i cant move on because i dont understand why hes done any of this. its eating me up thinking about it.

Edited July 5, 2011 by louise_23
missed some

[wilsonx]

:sick:i dont know where to start.

 

ok, so im 23, i started seeing this guy who's 11yrs older than me when i was 16. we lived together 4yrs. Last year, things were struggling and i said i think we needed time apart. so i moved out in june. we carried on seeing eachother and trying to work through things.

unbeknown to me, 2 weeks after i'd moved out he was already sleeping with someone else. i didnt find this out until he stayed at christmas. all the while he had been seeing me, saying he loved me and the rest, he had been having her round our house after id gone. she sent me a particularly vile email after he refused to tell the truth about details of their relationship. he had taken her on holiday and everything.

 

needless to say me and him had a massive argument and i was furious. i told him i didnt want to see him again.

 

so round march time this yr, he phoned me, upset, saying how sorry he was. i offered to meet up with him... and he declined. its played on my mind since then, and its approaching a year since i moved out. ive began to really miss what we had and ive had time to calm down. i phoned him today for a chat and to see if he wanted to meet up just to talk or something, and he hit me with the fact he has been in another relationship for months - so his upset phone call meant nothing, because he was sleeping with someone else already (again). he went on to say he had feelings for her and all the rest of it, and he hopes i can be as happy as him one day. he also blamed me for everything thats happened because i moved out.

 

im soooooo crushed. this seems to hurt more than the first time. in a haze of tears i took every ticket, receipt, photo, card that i kept from the relationship, crammed them into an envelope and posted them to him tonight with a letter saying how much i hate him and i hope someone does it to him one day. im not sure why i did that to be honest.

 

i just dont know what to do, i feel beyond desperation. i contemplated ending it all a few hours ago. i cant feel like this, its the most crushing feeling.

 

what should i do? i cant move on because i dont understand why hes done any of this. its eating me up thinking about it.

 

louise, I am so sorry you are going through this, I really am. It's terrible but it happens to everyone. Just like you I did not expect or see it.

 

have you considered therapy. if so, i would suggest going asap. my ex did the same thing to me except she moved out so she could see a guy 14 years older then her that she works with. I know exactly how you feel. One of the best ways I have learned to deal with this is by talking to your friends and letting them be there for you. When our relationship ended, I didn't think I had a lot of friends, all my friends were actually hers but guess what... people that I wasn't so friendly to at work all the time have been there for me in a big way after she did this to me.

 

It's really painful but one of the first things you have to do is end contact with him. I mean go cold. Delete his number/block it, block him on facebook, block his email addresses. Do everything possible to limit his contact to you. This is not about reconciliation. Its about you starting to heal. Once you disconnect yourself from him, go to your friends / family, hang out with them... dont spend time alone... always stay busy... buy a journal and journal your feelings

 

buy this book at your local bookstore or on amazon and have it one day shipped to you http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1309834583&sr=8-1

 

I swear by this book... its helped me cope tremendously by the betrayal that she caused me... if you have any other questions on what to do feel free to post but your #1 priority is to go no contact with him. If he contacts you... you have to ignore it... you really have to, if you dont you will feel like day 1 of the breakup all over again. It took me 3 weeks after her breaking up with me to get there but im 16 days in and its helped me disconnect and see how she was truly not the best for me

[childishregrets]

Sadly this is a tough one... Firstly i was going to say about the moving out bit for space.That deffo hurt him as its a pretty big thing moving out as all the friends and family know that your in relationship trouble.Its just as bad as fully breaking up in my eyes.But if things really were that severe then it needed to happen perhaps?

 

But the fact it only took him 2 weeks to sleep with someone? and then again afterwards? the fact is IF he really was having you both at the same time and most likely telling you he loved you both it means he has had the time to have his cake and eat it and decide which one he wants. He could of went back to you if he wanted i mean really you didnt cheat on him all you did was breakup for a while for space.Sure that may of hurt but its nothing like cheating and easily fixed and forgotten with a bit of TLC and resolvement of issues.

 

Which is another point u wanted space why exactly? if it Was all your fault then why did u want space? theres something u werent getting from him obviously and it needed resolved anyways.

 

It really does sound like he is gone though, that upset call screams guilt to me for cheating, and declining the meetup says to my male mind that he really does want to start something new with this other girl and thats why he said he hopes u can be as happy as him.Hes feeling guilty and quite rightly so. Cheating is no way to take out your resentment for wanting space though and thats the bottom line hes in the wrong from what you have typed on this page.

 

It hurts like crazy, and will for a while but killing urself is no answer either right? Your only 23 and in a few years he will probably regret his decision big time i think.U should really go no contact now as u cannot change the past. You are only 23 in time you will learn from all of this and move on but right now u gotta keep ur head above water first so good luck and keep strong!

[louise_23]

hey, thank you both for your replies. ive found what youve both said really helpful and im going to buy that book. i really do appreciate your responses.

 

re the moving out - he had been acting quite nasty to me for months, and i got ill, and he just kept doing it. i was having a crap time at work as well and i just thought somethings got to change. i had no idea where his attitude came from and i felt like i was going to go mad. i spoke to him about it first, explaining that i think time apart would do us the world of good, and he agreed. we saw eachother regularly though, and i really thought it was working. there'd been talk of us getting back together and eveything, though he still didnt tell me about the girl he was seeing at the same time.

 

for me, my issues started when he slept with someone else after a few months of us being together, but he swore it was a mistake and fine, i let it go. things were generally good for a few years and then about a year into living together i found our phone bill had a sex chat line number on it. this made me suspicious and over the coming years if i got the opportunity i checked his phone/email and 9 times out of 10 found texts or emails from other girls. every time he swore blind to me nothing was going on and i chose to believe him.

 

a few months after moving out, i found a hairclip in our bedroom. i asked him about it, he told me it was a one night stand, cried, said he was sorry, and i forgave him. about a month passed, christmas rolled around, i was alone with his phone and read it. found a few texts so emailed the woman to ask what was going on, and she replied and didnt hold back. he denied it. eventually i said fine well why dont we meet with this woman and clear this up then...and then he came clean. it was all true. it was her hairclip and theyd been together for months.

 

i think the thing i am struggling with is this

 

1.) i have wasted 6 years of my life

2.) have i been stupid all along and has this been happening throughout the relationship? the more i read it back the more i think.....was he ever telling the truth? have i been beyond stupid trying to make this work?

 

i just dont understand, if he didnt want to be with me, why he couldnt just say and not waste so many years of my life.

 

bleeuughhh. i feel so blue.

[childishregrets]

Consider those years a learning experience for when u meet the right man.hurting now when you are young will teach you what to avoid in the future. in a way your a little too soft and kind hearted. Not that you should be any less kind hearted but if someone disrespects ur heart then they need to go ASAP for your sake.

 

It seems hes cheated a lot and im the complete opposite so i cant tell u why someone would ever do that and remain with someone.perhaps ask him? get in early and tell him that if he ever cared about you he should state outright why he wasted your time being dishonest and unfaithful.after that i would never talk to him again to be honest.chances are as well he will only cheat in future with whoever he is with so in a way you should be glad that this has come to light.after all it could be your husband that was cheating and not a boyfriend.

 

 

as i said earlier you are only 23 and even if it took you a year to move on your still only going to be 24! I wish i was that young now

[louise_23]

thanks again for replying.

 

i sent him a message that said what you said to ask. havent heard back yet. i quite clearly said i wouldnt be in touch again but it would be nice if i could have an explanation to help me move on.

 

you're right in many ways, at least i didnt marry him. and its her problem now instead of mine. i wil put it down to experience, or try. its just infuriating to be messed around.

 

as for being too soft....i cant see me trusting anyone ever again to be honest. id rather be left alone if this is the kind of **** i have to look forward to.

 

people can be so cruel.

[The Great Gazoo]

What a hard situation to be in Louise_23...

 

It hurts so much I know. Saying that you're young is cliché and you'll get over it -- but it's also true. At 23 you'll have plenty more loves and plenty more mistakes to make with them. Lean into the pain, accept it and work through it. Don't fight it.

 

And most of all be kind to yourself, don't expect to better quickly, and don't put yourself down if you you're not healing as fast as you think you should. Realize you are where you need to be right now and take good care of yourself.

 

The one thing you can absolutely count on is that you will be over this jerk & this will all be a bittersweet memory some day.

Edited July 5, 2011 by The Great Gazoo

[louise_23]

thanks so much for your kind words, and i hope you're right.

 

its nice to know there are people like you in the world, kind of restores my faith in people x

[ameriveaux]

The true tragedy to this story is that you obviously wanted a "real" relationship with love, companionship and affection for this man for all of your days. 6 years is / was definately a time fram where marriage or a serious long term partner was in the air. The tragedy is what all the love and dedication was wasted on someone who didnt care or could possibily respect the notion of a relationship or love and respect.

 

The other terrible thing to this, is that who knows if the cheating was limited only to the things you saw. There is a good possibility that there was much more cheating/flirting and other desrespectful action occurred that you did not catch.

 

My heart goes out to you, because there you were; thinking that this was the man you loved and would be with until death (or a breakup such as this) and in your mind you were living or wanting to believe that this was "your" relationship. The reality was a two faced person conning you and someone else, unable or unwilling to be faithful.

 

Now that the reality has come to be, i do think you will be better off. Why would a self-respecting woman choose to be with someone who treats them as you were treated? If you were not so in love and wanting to believe in a beautiful relationship; ending this relationship and moving on would not have been so difficult. However, that was not the case and now your having to move on alone (as i dont believe you had someone on the side you were with) and rebuild the shattered pieces of your mind,body and soul.

 

I support the other suggestions of the NC. Nothing good will come from you speaking with him, as its obvious there will not be any respect or faithfulness from him; which are things you are wanting in your relationship.

 

Keeping your mind busy , your days full, and close to friends/family if at all possible will help you cope with the emptyness and wandering thoughts. I cannot begin to image how painful it was/is , but i can offer some words and my own thoughts.

[The Great Gazoo]

thanks so much for your kind words, and i hope you're right.

 

its nice to know there are people like you in the world, kind of restores my faith in people x

 

 

Its hard I know. I went through a separation 2+ months ago of a 9 year marriage through her betrayal and ****ty behaviour. It gets better day by day but sometimes we backslide like I've been doing this week .

 

There are lots of good honest people out there looking for relationships based on respect, honesty and behaviour that is conducive to a healthy relationship. It will happen to you someday; just like it will to me

[louise_23]

ameriveaux...thank you. and youre completely right. in all respects. and thank you for your support - it genuinely does mean very much to me.

 

and great gazoo...im really sorry youre in a similar situation. and i know what you mean about backsliding...sometimes i feel ok. other days i feel upset. and other days i feel insanely angry, like im going to have an incredible hulk moment.

 

ive decided to get the best i possibly can from this...using the money from the split im hopefully going back to college and yesterday...i got braces. i actually feel like ive been kicked in the teeth, and its distracting me very well from the hypothetical kick in the teeth lol.

 

does anyone else feel incredibly untrusting now? its not even just that, ive been chatted up a few times when ive been out and i literally feel like i have zero patience with the entire male race..all i see in front of me is like a bond villain or something! its like my mind is just like NO!

[The Great Gazoo]

Ameriveaux

 

College is a brilliant plan. Improve yourself and be surrounded by sexy young people your age.