, what is she thinking

[donelly1]

I recently met up with my ex who broke up with me 3 months ago. We were together 2 years. We are both in our early 20's. I have made a lot of progress getting over her and I know that I probably shouldn't have seen her... I still missed her a lot though and wanted to see her.

 

The first day we met up it was a little strange but we basically just hung out as friends and it was really nice to see her. Even though we broke up 3 months ago we haven't seen each other for about 5 months cause it was kind of a long distance thing...

 

After the first night though I felt like we might have a chance to get back together. She was texting me all kinds of messages about how she missed me and how it was great to see me. She also held my hand and sat next to me in resturaunts like how we did when we were together.

 

Yesterday we hung out again. We ended up making out and that night she came over to my place and we didn't go all the way but we fooled around a little and she was really wanting to cuddle.

 

So this is where things get confusing. From everything that I experienced I really thought that we were bascially getting back together. We had a talk this morning about the relationship cause I asked her if she wanted to date again. I probably shouldn't have, but I felt like I needed a clear answer otherwise it was just a waste of time and although it felt like it was obvious she wanted to get back together I wanted to hear it from her.

 

I was really surprised when she answered my questions with "I don't know" She said she is just confused right now and since she got back from a year studing abroad just a few days ago and that she has been with me only a couple days that she couldn't answer the question.

 

The issues for the breakup we both agree are stupid and she said she wishes she could go back and change the past. She said the reason why she is unsure she wants to start a relationship is that she doesn't have the same feelings for me as before and she feels like she would always feel guilty about the break up if she was with me again and that becaues of that things would never be the same. She said that she is single now and that she really likes me and that's why she might wanna date again but right now it's just too soon.

 

I was stupid to say it but I told her "I would be interested in dating again, but that we would have to start over and forget and forgive about what happend in the past"

 

She wants to be friends and said maybe from that we could date but I don't know. I feel like it just kinda drags things out. She is now living in my city and doesn't have very many friends here becaues she has been away for a long time. She is living at her parents house and so I think she will want to hang out with me again...

 

I'm just not sure what to do. I really do love this girl and I saw myself marrying her one day. The past few weeks being broken up I feel even more so like she is really someone special. I just don't get it cause her actions of wanting to come to my place, be with me, and do things that people in relationships do are telling me one thing but her words are saying the opposite that she wants to just be friends...

 

I feel like the whole thing is just causing me unnecissary pain... If I could go back I would not have met up with her just because of how it just kinda brought everything back up again.

 

I'm not sure what to do? Maybe I should keep in touch and give her time or maybe I should just do a strict NC and never see her again. There are plenty of girls here but I am really in love with her still... it's stupid because I have been NC with her for about 2 months but I still think about her constantly. I didn't tell her how much I love her and miss her still, but that is how I feel...

[leoc1973]

Bro. I cannot express how much your situation is a carbon copy of mine. I had no contact from my ex for 2 months. She texts me out of the blue telling me how hot I looked in my new pic on facebook. She asked if we could meet. I met her we had an awesome date. Like friends tho she was telling me about a few dates she had and what a disaster they were. I told her about a few girls I met and how i kinda liked one of them a little. She got this look in her eye of total jealousy. We talked for hours. She told me that I was her soulmate and we would end up together in the end. She kissed me. Almost fooled around. But as soon as I showed her that I was still in love with her she backed off told me she was confused. Told me there was too much guilt from the pain she caused me. I did the same stupid stuff as you by telling her I love her and wanted to work it out. She just kept backing off. I feel that when she contacted me she had every intention of getting back with me. I mean just like you that is how she was making me feel. She looked at me in that same adoring way that she used to. But every time I brought it up she kept telling me no. Not right now she enjoys being single.

 

Here is my advice to you and I am gonna do the same. Go nc and unless she comes right out and says I miss you and want you back don't even respond. I have a feeling that this will work for me and hopefully you too. Good luck man. Some of these woman are maneaters and love telling their friends about it.

[Exit]

Hah I'm in the same boat. Broke up in March. Been in limited contact ever since. Whenever I actually bring up the topic of a decision, it's always "No" or "I don't know", but I have yet to get to a "Yes". Some days she's cold, some days we just sit in the car and talk, other days like last Thursday we go for a drive, we went to a restaurant we used to go to, she was the one who suggested we get our food and go sit outside and eat which is what we did last year when we first met, she held my hand etc. And then of course after a night like that I can't help but say "why can we not continue the momentum from that and actually say we are getting back together? Two people who broke up, hanging out, being affectionate, going to a place where they have good memories, staying out til 2am, how is that not getting back together?"

 

It's not easy to figure these girls out. "Confused" is probably just a way to disguise the fact that they don't want us right now, but they don't have the courage to tell us to get lost for good because they know they may regret it. If they wanted to be with us, if they wanted to repair things, they would, and we need to keep reminding ourselves of that.

 

Leoc1973 has the right idea. The best thing you can do is leave it alone until you actually get that sign of commitment that yes, they want to work it out. Is this the easiest thing to do? Definitely not. I still fall for every scrap my ex throws me, as soon as she's having a "good" day and wanting to hang out, I go for it. But this just causes its own type of pain.

 

If they can hang out with you, have your attention, have your affection... they have no reason to hurry back. You gotta show them what they gave up by giving up a relationship with you. If they are confused, we need to help them decided. They need to get the clear idea that no relationship = no having fun together, no holding hands, and maybe that will help them decide.

 

I know this sucks, I am right there with you guys. Are we somewhat lucky though? Some people get left in the dust and never talk to their exes again. Should we be glad that we are at least worth being "confused" about?

 

It's a very fine line to walk. If we ignore them completely they may just lose interest, but we also can't be completely available if we don't mean anything to them right now. If they like being single more than they like knowing they have us as a partner, that's pretty lame.

 

At this point I wish I had left this alone from day 1. Now I've kinda got myself into this mess where it's scary to walk away now, I've kept her somewhat interested for 3 months, 3 months later and she STILL won't commit to "yes I feel good living the rest of my life without you". Still tells me she loves me. Still says she's thinking about it.

 

Just gotta watch out for ourselves I guess. Slowly distance yourself from her just as she has done to you. Maybe she will sense the tension of you getting further away.

 

[bikinibeach]

toxic. change your number and move if you have to.

 

get help.

 

good luck.

[iceweasel6]

Here we go!!

 

Step 1:

Txt/email/call - depends on the current level of communication - choose the most appropriate one (eg: if you all speak via phone - then call). This is what you say:

 

Hello _____. Because of how I feel about you and my desire to be more than a friend to you, it would be irresponsible and inappropriate for me to say that I can be your friend. While I know this will be difficult, I will be taking the next couple of months for myself to reflect on our relationship and learn and grow from this experience in to a more understanding, caring and healthy person. To help with this process I won't be contacting you at all, such as email, txt messages, phone calls or facebook. I hope you understand that this is for me to get through the feelings I have for you. Thank you for listening. Take care.

<end conversation - eg: hang up the phone. Don't talk about it. It's not up for debate. It's not a conversation. HANG UP!>

 

Step 2:

Work on you. Eat. Sleep. Work out. Hang out with your buddies.

As a requirement you must do 1 physical activity a day for 14 days. Yeah. It's a requirement - not a suggestion. If you don't - your lazy! So get to it. For those of you who want to know the reason - here it is. Your feelings for your ex is like a drug. Being around him/her actually releases drugs in your brain - oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, etc. By not being around your ex - your brain goes through withdrawal - like a crack addict. However, there is a fix. It's called exercise. Your body, during exercise releases high levels of pain killing molecules collectively called endorphins. These feel good hormones help abate the withdrawal symptoms of longing you feel from not being around your ex and helps speeds the process of moving on faster.

Almost forgot - why two weeks? Studies have shown that it takes approximately 2 weeks to create or break a new habit - with a retention rate of 60-70% (eg: the habit becomes permanent after 2 weeks 60-70% of the time). So for our purposes, we will use this knowledge to our benefit and have it help us through our difficult time by giving us something to focus on.

SO EXERCISE!!!

 

We aren't done yet!

 

1. Do something your good at - and get better at it. Why? This will build your self confidence.

2. Join a book club - This will satisfy your intellectual curiosity

3. Do something your not good at - this will help you discover yourself and your limits, and further build your self confidence - as over time you will get better at it

4. Take lessons - whatever - cooking, art, yoga - something

 

Do all the above for 2 months. Why two months? Your developing new routines. Staying active. Staying busy. It gives you some place to go, new people to meet and connect with, and potentially new friends. There is no downside to this - it's all upswing.

Some may ask - well what if I have no money. It's even better - because most of your activities will be physical

Book clubs are free, local sport meetups are free, yoga classes have introductory classes for FREE. Bike clubs, jogging clubs, dog walking clubs. Whatever activity you can think of - there is a club for it. So join one. And guess what - it's FREE.

 

During this process do not respond to your ex if they txt / call / email / facebook unless you hear/read these words - not verbatim, but general gist:

 

<insert your name here> I'm sorry for the way I acted. I have been thinking things over for the last few weeks and I have realized I made a mistake in how I treated you, things I have said and how I behaved. I would like for us to talk and get back together again and really look at the issues that resulted in us not working out. Please call me. I love you.

 

If you don't hear that - keep it moving.

 

After 2 months you will have lost weight, learned something new, built up your confidence in yourself, found a new hobby, made a group of new friends, and most importantly - be happy about you.

 

Get to work!! See you all - yes all of you who responded to this thread - in 2 months. (except for BikiniBeach)

[donelly1]

It's all helpful advice. Yeah it is crazy how our exes think but also interesting how it seems like there so many of them act in similar ways.

 

I think exit really nailed it that if you think about if they can get all your attention whenever and have you around at any time than why would they ever feel the need to actually date you.

 

I know now that I made a mistake in talking to my ex. It was strange how flirty she was and everything and how she even told me just a week before how she wanted to meet up and be more than friends... I guess part of me, like the rest of you on here, just thought that maybe my relationship was different and that things would work out if I just followed my feelings. Everyone told me it would be a bad idea to meet with my ex but I did it anyway cause I thought that just that 1% of it working out would make it worth it. The truth is though that those are stupid odds to play.

 

My ex has been away for a long time and just recently came back. She is basically gonna be lonely for the next couple months cause she doesn't know many people here. Eventually though she is gonna make friends and possibly even be interested in other guys. I know I shouldn't stick around to see that.

 

At this point I'm just unsure of how to go about breaking off the connection. I could go cold turkey and just stop talking to her but it just seems random and kinda childish to go that route. I definitely need to break off the connection but it's just hard to know how to go about doing it...

[radiodarcy]

argh! i hate when exes do stuff like this. to be fair - - i don't think this is limited to girls -- guys do it too. at any rate it sucks. sorry you had to go through that donelly. it's good that you're not spending a lot of time speculating as to why she's acting the way she is. that never gets anyone anywhere.

 

i think the advice iceweasel gave is great. particularly step 1. if you don't feel right going NC without telling her. then simply tell her. that's what i did when i went NC with the ex. it actually made sticking to NC easier. because i knew once i told him, there was no looking back. i mean -- the world isn't going to cave in if i break NC; but i'm the type of person where -- if i say i'm going to do something i'm going to do it.

 

also be sure to build up your support system. and try to focus on other interests. easier said than done i know. i'm four month into NC and it was only a few weeks ago that i was able to focus on other things. and it really does help. admittedly i still think about him a lot. but it's getting to be a little less and with a much more discerning eye than before. which has gone a long way in knocking him off that pedestal. i actually think that's why i haven't heard from him. he has to know that if he were to contact me now, i would set about dissecting him from the inside out with frightening precision and it would be anything but pretty.

 

but in short, do what's best for you. dis-connect. get on with your life. like you said, it sounds like she is lonely and bored and looking for excitement. but - - the fun is over. like exit said, she can't just have you around when it suits her. you're either together or you're not. "i don't know" translates to: not.

Edited July 5, 2011 by radiodarcy

[Dasilva045]

i was in the same situation as you. My ex and i dated for 5.5 years and she broke it off. Eventually she came back trying to be my friend but still wanted the whole relationship thing without actually being in a relationship. She claims to have no feelings and thats why we couldn't be in a relationship and that we should be friends and work it. You know what? i cant and never will be her friend. I dont know how to. I think shes trying to string you along and the quicker you get out, the quicker shell realize that your a man and can do better than her. Trying to stay around will only make you look desperate and unattractive in her eyes. I know its hard but you have to.

[Rockyb87]

It's funny bc I can relate to the story. My ex n I had broken up bout 3onths n she calls me asking y I'm ignoring her. I tell her this is Wat u wanted n she says no, n anyway I drive to her house, we start making out n fool around n sleep in each others arms talking bout how much we miss each other n love each others. Nxt day comes n I'm calling her bc we were gonna go to the movies but she says shes at her friend. Anyway long story short she says it was a mistake. Haven't talked to her ever since n this was back in December.

[Dasilva045]

how long were u guys together for rocky?

[Rockyb87]

10 months. I don't hold a grudge against her at all, I still do care bout her, n her decision to break up with me, well that was hers n her alone. If somebody asked if I'd do it all again, I would most definitely, idc she will always have place in my heart

[donelly1]

Wow Rocky that is pretty surprising that you are so forgiving towards her even after how she treated you. I'm not sure I could feel that way. I don't regret being with my ex but I do think that after being broken up I really started to see her true colors...

 

It's interesting though cause my ex did the same thing when we were broken up. She got really mad that I was not talking to her. It seems like from this forum that a lot of the exes act similarly in that they want the attention and even affection but they just don't wanna get involved again.

 

yeah radiodarcy I'm sure it's not just limited to girls and that guys do this as well. I guess NC is best. This weekend I will hang out with friends of mine instead of her...

 

Dasilva I feel like my situation is also similar to yours. I dated my ex for about 2 years and for me it seems like I could never be her friend. She is great to hang out with but I will always have feelings for her as more than a friend. In that case it seems like the only possible option is to just disconnect cause otherwise if you still hang out and give her your time you are basically being used. It's tough cause I will be honest when my ex says that she wants to hang out or just when I get a text from her I get excited and happy but after hanging out and when I realize she "isn't interested in me as a boyfriend" it feels horrible. It's just a crappy circle.

 

Yes in the end "I dont know" really does translate to No...

It would be great for her if I just hung out while she decided what to do but I don't wanna give that luxury to her. In my mind if you still love someone you don't even have to "decide" what to do and you know straight away what you want...

[wilsonx]

ok, so all of you all are failing because #1 you failed to follow iceweasel's advice before hand. Once you do this, you continue NC for 2-3 months.

 

If you really really want her back after 2-3 months then all of you have failed miserably. You are showing your ex's you still have feelings for them. You have to do the opposite of what you would do normally. They want you to make out with them and cuddle with them. Guess what you don't do? Say.. Sorry, I have someone I'm seeing and I dont want to cheat on them with you. You should respect that." You guys are flying right into the ball game without even rebuilding attraction and she is eating it alive. Or the first time she leans in to kiss you, you HAVE to push her away and say "I'm sorry I thought we were just friends, I have to leave now" This will make her WTF because you are showing her that you do not need her anymore physically this will start to rebuild attraction because its showing her that you have confidence in yourself. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE PAST RELATIONSHIP AT ALL EVER or you will kill all the attraction you have built up. Do not tell her your feelings as it will feed her ego. If she asks if you missed her, say not really i've had more fun being single then being in a relationship. Lie like a champ, your ex is doing it. Its your job as guys to start the new relationship from scratch, dont tell her it, show her but you have to PRETEND like you do not need her at first thats why you need time and space from her to heal

Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[iceweasel6]

ok, so all of you all are failing because #1 you failed to follow iceweasel's advice before hand. Once you do this, you continue NC for 2-3 months.

 

If you really really want her back after 2-3 months then all of you have failed miserably. You are showing your ex's you still have feelings for them. You have to do the opposite of what you would do normally. They want you to make out with them and cuddle with them. Guess what you don't do? Say.. Sorry, I have someone I'm seeing and I dont want to cheat on them with you. You should respect that." You guys are flying right into the ball game without even rebuilding attraction and she is eating it alive. Or the first time she leans in to kiss you, you HAVE to push her away and say "I'm sorry I thought we were just friends, I have to leave now" This will make her WTF because you are showing her that you do not need her anymore physically this will start to rebuild attraction because its showing her that you have confidence in yourself. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE PAST RELATIONSHIP AT ALL EVER or you will kill all the attraction you have built up. Do not tell her your feelings as it will feed her ego. If she asks if you missed her, say not really i've had more fun being single then being in a relationship. Lie like a champ, your ex is doing it. Its your job as guys to start the new relationship from scratch, dont tell her it, show her but you have to PRETEND like you do not need her at first thats why you need time and space from her to heal

 

WilsonX - you pretty much summed it up. But instead of having to lie, I wanted them to actually loose all those attractions, so they will do all those things instinctively like they did when they first met their ex's. They used to do all those things, but they don't remember. It's like they forgot who they were before they met their ex. How cocky, secure, confident and most of all, how respectful of themselves they were. If the old them were to look at who they are today, they would be shaking their heads in disapproval at what shells they have become of their former selves. It's not a formula or a magic bullet. It's reality.

Admit to yourselves that the relationship that you had with your ex is over. Let them go. Move on. Make yourself better. Grow. Learn. Regain your confidence. At the end of it all 2-3 months later you will be ready to enter a new relationship or be firm in your conviction to get your ex back. Until then, your entering a boxing match without gloves or training. A war without armor or bullets. You will be outboxed and outgunned.

 

Use NC not to get your ex back, but to get you back. It's about you, not your ex. Once you all get that through your heads to better off you will be, and the more clearer you will see that you don't need to play games to get what you want. Because you won't be pretending to be who you used to be. You will be him, only better and wiser. Stronger and more knowledgable.

 

Oh, and one more thing - you don't need to follow my steps. In fact, it's not about steps. I listed them only as an example to provide some structure that will be needed in the beginning. And trust me, you will need structure to prevent yourselves from slipping into those dangerous days of missing your ex and wanting to text her. Overall, do what works for you. Just stay busy, really reflect, and really let your ex go. If you can do those things and move forward on your own without contact for 2-3 months - you will be golden.

Edited July 6, 2011 by iceweasel6

[donelly1]

yeah I did a did a 2 month NC with my ex before she wanted to meet up. The only reason I even agreed to meet her cause she said she wanted to get back together, go back to how things were, and was really upset and saying she missed me.

 

I was doin well and really making progress getting over her. It was really stupid in hindsight to meet up with her but I guess I felt like she was genuine in wanting to get back together so I gave it a shot and met up with her...

 

That's why it confused me so much that even after all of that and meeting up and being very affectionate towards me she still has said that she doesn't know if she wants to date. I couldn't believe it cause she told me just a week or so before she wanted to and due to her actions the past couple days I thought she did too. Just doesn't make sense... but life goes on

 

Anyway that is good info though about exercise and how after 2 weeks there is a good chance that it will become a habit. I will definitely start to go on some runs...

[wilsonx]

One big piece of advice I will give everyone following this thread.

 

Open up to the possibility that you do not want your ex back and truly let her go while you are doing these things. Can you win her back in a few months, probably but the biggest obstacle you face is that you have changed and grown and your ex hasn't and will do the same thing over again.

 

I won my ex back but nothing changed on her end, nothing at all and the pain I feel now is 15xs worse then the first time she broke up with me because I never learned how to defend myself from her antics. Also at the time I wasn't fully healed from the last breakup.

 

Will I allow her to ever do this to me again or another future gf to do this to me again. No! I will not be anyone's backup plan. If I see this childish behavior again, I will just walk and move forward with someone else. Theres billions of people on the planet and billions of people that do not play stupid games and hurt others. Not worth your time to deal with this and continue to be hurt

Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[iceweasel6]

yeah I did a did a 2 month NC with my ex before she wanted to meet up.

 

Doing 2 months NC means nothing. NC is only one part of it.

 

I think its super careless for anyone to just say "go NC" until she starts saying what you want to hear.

 

Understand, NC is only one part of it. The purpose of NC is for you. I will say that again. The purpose of NC is for your benefit not for your ex.

 

Additionally, NC alone does not help you with anything. I will say that again. NC alone does not help you with anything. NC is a facilitator for your change.

 

Think of NC as a car. Lets say, you need to get to another city from where ever you are at this present time that is 60 miles / 100 km away. Simply getting inside the car and sitting there doesn't get you to the next city. You need to work - start the car, get gas, follow directions, look for signs, press the gas, brake, turn the wheel, avoid other vehicles, pay attention to road signals. The car is a means to get where u want to go. A mode to help you get there. Simply sitting inside a car will not help you get to your destination. Ergo, simply going NC won't help you get over your ex. It won't help you grow. It won't help you move on. It won't help you become a better person. It won't help you be more confident.

 

That's why after 2-3 months after NC your still bat**** crazy over your ex. All you did was get inside the NC car and sit there for 3 months and did nothing to your inside self. Your mind/body/soul are starving for your attention. Feed it! The agony you feel is not for her - you don't realize it but that agony you feel is over yourself - but your projecting it onto her. Feed your soul bro! Feed your soul!

 

Read a book. Try something new. Take a painting class. If you've never meditated before - try it. If you've never done yoga before - go yoga it up. If you are a ****ty dancer try taking ballroom dancing classes or salsa lessons. Exercise. Move your muscles and your body. Reflect on your previous relationship. What went wrong? How can it go right? What lessons have you learned? What can you do differently? Don't sit in the NC car and think you will arrive at a different place once you come out of it mentally. Because you won't. You will be right where you were before you entered NC.

 

You have to put in the effort to grow, learn and understand you. It's a process, not a quick fix. I say 2-3 months a figure that some people need psychologically. They say - how long should I be doing this? I say 2-3 months. Its like when you go walking with a kid - they say "How much further?" They just want to know a number, a quantifier to help them get through the difficult time now. You don't want to frustrate the kid and say - 1 hour, so instead you say "a little while longer only 15 more minutes, lets keep moving". The same thing with this process. When people ask how long - you don't say "Well, it depends on your situation, may take a year" - thats depressing. When you say 2-3 months it seems manageable. With all the activities, new connections, new neuronal pathways, new experiences, new routines, 2-3 months will fly by - some don't even notice, but what they do notice is how much they have grown, learned, experienced and how centered they are in themselves.

 

At that juncture you have invested so much in you, you will be at a place where you're able to reach outside of yourself in a new relationship with someone new you have met, or have the clarity to decide if you want to go back to your ex. But this process is not about getting your ex back - because before you start the process you have let them go.

 

Seriously - don't wield around NC like a loaded gun. It's about as powerful as a water pistol at best. It's what you do during that period which determines how effective NC will be for you. Sitting around hanging with friends and going back to your old routines during NC only reinforces bad behaviors and brings nothing to the table of growth and development.

Edited July 6, 2011 by iceweasel6