Why is it so hard to keep NC?

[kittycat95]

Even when the person who has dumped you has said to stop contacting them, even when they say they have no respect for you, that they don't care for you, and act really cold and agree when you say "Goodbye forever" to them. Why is it so hard to have self-respect and let go? Is it fear holding me back? What is it?

 

I can really use some advice as I have been unable to go NC for very long. I just somehow cannot let things go.

[thelovingkind]

It's just a fairly basic kind of self-preservation. We're social creatures from birth and relationships provide an important source of support, comfort, security, validation and so on to help us live our lives. In Western societies romantic relationships are relied upon in particular for this. So when we lose one we instinctively want to turn the tap back on even if all we can get out is a dribble. Sooner or later we realise that dribble isn't going to sustain us so we go in search of a new source.

 

The thing is our emotions have the power but they don't have a very nuanced understanding of people. The orders are pretty much as rudimentary as "Ex's name = good feelings" in the engine room of our feelings. It takes a lot of mental strength to logically overpower your emotional impulses and break away from the idea that our ex's have run away with the only key to our happiness.

 

So yeah, the reason you struggle with NC is not because you have no self-respect or lack dignity. Our minds are basically trying to preserve our existence, which is a good and noble thing, the trouble comes when we panic and take the easiest (but ultimately most futile) route to being fulfilled again.

Edited July 5, 2011 by thelovingkind

[kittycat95]

That's really true, lovingkind. I can see how it's rooted in our psychology. I keep beating myself up because I keep breaking NC. I feel really weak for continually reaching out to him when he keeps saying he wants to have nothing to do with me. The worst part is I share my feelings with him and tell him just how depressed and sad I've felt and ask him for explanations. To this he just responds that he is going to block me again on the phone.

 

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that I am so emotionally connected to someone who is so gone. I keep reaching out and even some small contact, even when he responds negatively, sustains me to a certain extent.

 

I just feel so weak and unable to go NC I don't know how to do it. I can really use some help and advice. I just feel afraid or something.

[smudge21]

Kittycat, take some comfort in the fact you're not alone. I've been pondering this lately as up until a few weeks ago I was feeling fine, then I went looking for info on the ex - a few pictures here and there, a couple of posts from mutual friends - didn't take long before all that pain came flooding back. Right now I feel like day 1 all over again, just because I heard about her having a great time with her fiance. Seriously, WTF!

 

I know full well that breaking NC and looking for info will only end up hurting me, yet I still do it. Where's the logic? Any other wound would be covered up and not touched until it was healed, but with this one, I just like to stab at it more.

 

I do honestly believe that these feelings are like a drug addiction - we need to have a little fix each time as we can't stand to be away from it. We don't have the full fix, just a taste, just enough to make us feel good for a short time, even though we know we'll feel terrible not long after. It's total madness.

 

One thing I'm trying is to set myself goals - go a weekend without looking at any mutual friends or being around people who know her, that sort of thing. Once that's done, move it up to 4 days, or a week. I did this before and obviously slipped up, so I just gotta' force myself not to do that; I've got to remember that no matter how good it will feel initially, it will feel terrible afterwards.

 

As for why I do it, why we all do it, break NC, I don't know. I think lovingkind's response puts the scientific spin on it and is spot on. I also feel part of my wanting to find out about my ex is still that basic thing that we all have lodged inside us following a break up: hope. I long to find out she's single again or find a message in my inbox from her, something, anything. Once again, total madness, and I can see the problems with all this, but like I said, this is an addiction and despite seeing the negatives, it's very hard to focus on them.

 

I guess I don't have a solution to your suffering as I don't have one myself. Just force yourself to remember how badly it hurts each time you break NC and use that as a guide. Other than that, you just have to stay strong and despite all these negative feelings, understand and believe that things always do get better. Eventually.

[radiodarcy]

i think it's because going NC means abandoning all hope that our exes will come back. for me -- i couldn't go NC until i felt as though i had done everything in my power to convince him to give me a chance. once i knew he wasn't going to do that, i had no choice but to let it go and go NC.

 

in some ways it was the hardest thing i've ever done. but whenever i got the urge to contact him i reminded myself of how much it hurt when - - during the times i was in contact with him - - i would send him a text or an email and he would either: a) not respond/ignore me or b) send a response - - but not the response i was hoping for. i also reminded myself of how i would feel if i were to contact him only to have him tell me that he's seeing someone else. that alone is enough to motivate me to stick to NC. I have to say, i've been NC for four months now and while i think about him quite a bit - - the urge to contact him has dropped considerably. i agree with smudge - - our exes really can be like a drug. as time goes by i've been able to focus on other things; which i wasn't able to do before because i was so completely consumed by thoughts of him. now it's much less and i'm much happier because of it

Edited July 5, 2011 by radiodarcy

[MandyC18]

Alright ive had the same problem too but now it will be 3days no contact today..we have done no contact before (3days) but i guess its going to be longer this time.

 

Although you may feel the need to express every feeling to your ex...dont. Unless they start getting all sappy then you can if not DONT. We arnt their girlfriends anymore they care about our feelings to a certain extent believe me im going through it now.

 

Ive done the whole begging, pleading, and etc. Now ive decided almost 2weeks ago or whenever not to bring up the relationship. He told me when im ready i will talk about it. Im starting to think that day wont come, but he said when he is ready he will.

 

If you need to write down or type everything you wanna say to him to yourself...that way you get all the emotions out and they dont build up inside.

[kittycat95]

Welps I've been NC so far all day, and I'm hoping to get thru the end of the week without caving (my first goal) at this point there's really nothing I can do anymore, and I really, really have to let it go. So that's where I'm at now. Resisting the urge because I KNOW it will do no good to contact him! I am now convinced it will not.