Introducing myself and looking forward to joining the conversation

[Heartonmysleave]

Hi

 

I've been lurking here for about a year. I feel like a complete window peeper. I read just about every day and I've learned so much through reading your experiences and perspectives.

 

I'm trying to shake my life up after ending an 18 month affair 2 days ago. I thought a good start might be engaging in some of the things life had on offer. Posting here is one of my first "engaging in the world" decisions. No more sitting in the spectator seat.

 

Must admit after writing that line about "ending (my) affair", also realise if the knot in my stomach is anything to go by, that I'm still in a bit of denial about the ending as well. I cannot deny there is still a tiny little bit of me that hopes a strong and sincere period of no-contact might knock him to his senses and he'll realise what he's losing for his inability to act. It's not a totally manipulative move, like it would have been 6 months ago, but it's kind of a whistful, slightly hopeful, wondering ... like, I know it's probably really over, but what if he did realise how great our life could be together and he got his act together and then we dated .....??

 

Having said that - I completely get that going no-contact is for me. I am hoping it will empower me to have the strength to really get over him and what has been a really unhealthy relationship. I also hope it will give me some perspective on why I have chosen to stay in such an unhealthy relationship for such a long time ... and know in my heart and my head it's wrong, wrong, wrong - but do it anyway.

 

For a long time I blamed him for tricking me into starting the relationship. He said he was separated and there was ample evidence of that. But truth is I figured out pretty early on, maybe after about 3 months, that regardless that he thought he was "separated", his partner (together 17 years and 3 children) didn't share his perspective.

 

I called him on it. Gently. Didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't say much, just that he'd realised after a life changing event a few years ago that there was no love left in his relationship with his wife and he'd told her that. They stayed together for economic reasons. I bought that, because they did live separately. He worked away and only went home about once a month to "see the children".

 

The thing is - he did trick me - but I've been aware of his marital status for over a year and I continued the affair anyway. So todays mission is to accept responsibility for my part of this.

[skywriter]

Welcome HOS and best of luck to you on your mission to just get on with your life and put this behind you.

 

You do have a choice in how you live your life and you are excercising the right to do so. When you feel weak, just remind yourself of the statement about his partner not sharing his perspective on being seperated.

[MissBee]

Hi

 

I've been lurking here for about a year. I feel like a complete window peeper. I read just about every day and I've learned so much through reading your experiences and perspectives.

 

I'm trying to shake my life up after ending an 18 month affair 2 days ago. I thought a good start might be engaging in some of the things life had on offer. Posting here is one of my first "engaging in the world" decisions. No more sitting in the spectator seat.

Must admit after writing that line about "ending (my) affair", also realise if the knot in my stomach is anything to go by, that I'm still in a bit of denial about the ending as well. I cannot deny there is still a tiny little bit of me that hopes a strong and sincere period of no-contact might knock him to his senses and he'll realise what he's losing for his inability to act. It's not a totally manipulative move, like it would have been 6 months ago, but it's kind of a whistful, slightly hopeful, wondering ... like, I know it's probably really over, but what if he did realise how great our life could be together and he got his act together and then we dated .....??

 

Having said that - I completely get that going no-contact is for me. I am hoping it will empower me to have the strength to really get over him and what has been a really unhealthy relationship. I also hope it will give me some perspective on why I have chosen to stay in such an unhealthy relationship for such a long time ... and know in my heart and my head it's wrong, wrong, wrong - but do it anyway.

 

For a long time I blamed him for tricking me into starting the relationship. He said he was separated and there was ample evidence of that. But truth is I figured out pretty early on, maybe after about 3 months, that regardless that he thought he was "separated", his partner (together 17 years and 3 children) didn't share his perspective.

 

I called him on it. Gently. Didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't say much, just that he'd realised after a life changing event a few years ago that there was no love left in his relationship with his wife and he'd told her that. They stayed together for economic reasons. I bought that, because they did live separately. He worked away and only went home about once a month to "see the children".

The thing is - he did trick me - but I've been aware of his marital status for over a year and I continued the affair anyway. So todays mission is to accept responsibility for my part of this.

 

Hey Heart!

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

Your story sounds like mine when I was in the affair....I too was mislead but eventually found out and continued for a little over 2 years. I didn't figure out anything until recently, about why I engaged that scenario and it's been truly life altering for me to learn more about myself and the choices I made for my life and why, and to make better choices and hold better beliefs.

 

I think most of us, who have had to implement NC, know that feeling; the feeling that maybe it will work as a lesson and they will miss us so much and shape up Most times...not. That's not what NC is for as you know but nevertheless it usually always starts out that way, but with time it will work it's magic for you. You will gain more clarity and perspective as you detach from him and that relationship.

 

I'm happy for you! Your energy feels good...

 

P.S. don't be shocked if he does come back around phishing...often times that bit of hope will go into overdrive and we start to believe that things have changed and they can't live without us...and we become the girl who cried wolf...who they realize, she won't talk to me for a few days/weeks/months, but if I come around, nothing changed, but apologize and do a couple good acts she will take me back. Don't fall for it.

Edited July 5, 2011 by MissBee

[Mimolicious]

Hi

 

I've been lurking here for about a year. I feel like a complete window peeper. I read just about every day and I've learned so much through reading your experiences and perspectives.

 

I'm trying to shake my life up after ending an 18 month affair 2 days ago. I thought a good start might be engaging in some of the things life had on offer. Posting here is one of my first "engaging in the world" decisions. No more sitting in the spectator seat.

 

Must admit after writing that line about "ending (my) affair", also realise if the knot in my stomach is anything to go by, that I'm still in a bit of denial about the ending as well. I cannot deny there is still a tiny little bit of me that hopes a strong and sincere period of no-contact might knock him to his senses and he'll realise what he's losing for his inability to act. It's not a totally manipulative move, like it would have been 6 months ago, but it's kind of a whistful, slightly hopeful, wondering ... like, I know it's probably really over, but what if he did realise how great our life could be together and he got his act together and then we dated .....??

 

Having said that - I completely get that going no-contact is for me. I am hoping it will empower me to have the strength to really get over him and what has been a really unhealthy relationship. I also hope it will give me some perspective on why I have chosen to stay in such an unhealthy relationship for such a long time ... and know in my heart and my head it's wrong, wrong, wrong - but do it anyway.

 

For a long time I blamed him for tricking me into starting the relationship. He said he was separated and there was ample evidence of that. But truth is I figured out pretty early on, maybe after about 3 months, that regardless that he thought he was "separated", his partner (together 17 years and 3 children) didn't share his perspective.

 

I called him on it. Gently. Didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't say much, just that he'd realised after a life changing event a few years ago that there was no love left in his relationship with his wife and he'd told her that. They stayed together for economic reasons. I bought that, because they did live separately. He worked away and only went home about once a month to "see the children".

 

The thing is - he did trick me - but I've been aware of his marital status for over a year and I continued the affair anyway. So todays mission is to accept responsibility for my part of this.

 

Welcome Heart!

 

Um... sounds like he wasn't living the "traditional" M. Hope that this "life changing" event was not that his W was sick. That would be kinda foul.

 

Anyway, doesn't sound like this R was making you happy and at the end, this should be what matters to you. I hope that soon enough you are in a better place and I wish you strength to move ahead, and keeping NC. Remember, life is making space for the good things that are going to enter your life. Be well!

[fooled once]

Hi

 

I've been lurking here for about a year. I feel like a complete window peeper. I read just about every day and I've learned so much through reading your experiences and perspectives.

 

I'm trying to shake my life up after ending an 18 month affair 2 days ago. I thought a good start might be engaging in some of the things life had on offer. Posting here is one of my first "engaging in the world" decisions. No more sitting in the spectator seat.

 

Must admit after writing that line about "ending (my) affair", also realise if the knot in my stomach is anything to go by, that I'm still in a bit of denial about the ending as well. I cannot deny there is still a tiny little bit of me that hopes a strong and sincere period of no-contact might knock him to his senses and he'll realise what he's losing for his inability to act. It's not a totally manipulative move, like it would have been 6 months ago, but it's kind of a whistful, slightly hopeful, wondering ... like, I know it's probably really over, but what if he did realise how great our life could be together and he got his act together and then we dated .....??

 

Having said that - I completely get that going no-contact is for me. I am hoping it will empower me to have the strength to really get over him and what has been a really unhealthy relationship. I also hope it will give me some perspective on why I have chosen to stay in such an unhealthy relationship for such a long time ... and know in my heart and my head it's wrong, wrong, wrong - but do it anyway.

 

For a long time I blamed him for tricking me into starting the relationship. He said he was separated and there was ample evidence of that. But truth is I figured out pretty early on, maybe after about 3 months, that regardless that he thought he was "separated", his partner (together 17 years and 3 children) didn't share his perspective.

 

I called him on it. Gently. Didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't say much, just that he'd realised after a life changing event a few years ago that there was no love left in his relationship with his wife and he'd told her that. They stayed together for economic reasons. I bought that, because they did live separately. He worked away and only went home about once a month to "see the children".

 

The thing is - he did trick me - but I've been aware of his marital status for over a year and I continued the affair anyway. So todays mission is to accept responsibility for my part of this.

 

Hi Heart. Welcome to LS. You made me about your comment about being a window peeper Glad you decided to join in and tell us your story.

 

You stated several times you knew the relationship was unhealthy. That is great that you see that. I hope that you do not put your life on further hold waiting for him. He doesn't sound like he is planning on ending the marriage any time. I did find it interesting that you state they are 'staying together' for economic issues, yet they live separately? And he only 'goes home' once a month to see his 3 kids? What a crappy father. He is choosing to not see his kids but once a month; so technically, he really isn't even in their lives or parenting them.

 

I hope you begin to move forward and put him behind you. Please do your best to not re-engage with him while he is still MARRIED. If he really cares about you and wants a life with you, he will get his act together, divorce his wife, get some counseling for himself, learn to be a more pro-active dad and then reach out to you. At least he didn't give you the "for the kids" excuse for staying married since he has so little to do with his kids already. I have very little respect for a man who uses his kids as an excuse to not divorce. He earns even less respect since he barely sees his kids and instead chooses to use his 'free time' to engage in an affair.

 

Good luck and stay strong!