Why does the whole thing of dating seem sooooo hard??!!!!

[cn7]

How on earth can you go about the whole dating "game"? Particularly when you:

 

-never found a partner in college

-never found a partner at university

-never found a partner at work

-never found a partner via any other way

 

When you're a virgin at 34 ("ohhh...freaky man..." I already hear) it makes it all the more hard.

 

When you go on dating sites it seems like everyone has a super witty profile, oozes confidence, and just wins and wins and wins all the time. Lucky them. You spend ages trying to think of something funny to put on your own profile with the thought at the back of your mind of "be yourself" even if that doesn't exactly get you far.

 

Why is it such a profound mystery?

[SushiX]

You need to get out more. Learn how to approach girls and handle rejection. It's a numbers game and you won't win unless you keep playing.

[Eddie Edirol]

You have to act like you have dated in college and act like youre not a virgin. fake it until you make it. And definitly approach women in person, dont bother with online, its a waste of time unless you have traditionally great looks.

[FinOuch]

When you're a virgin at 34 ("ohhh...freaky man..." I already hear) it makes it all the more hard.

 

I really wouldn't let that get to you. There are girls who want a relationship (as opposed to just a fling or sex) who would be willing to overlook this.

That is not to say they won't question why. But frankly, at 31 and looking for the end-game relationship...I would rather get involved with a virgin than a guy who has been with multiple partners.

 

When you go on dating sites it seems like everyone has a super witty profile, oozes confidence, and just wins and wins and wins all the time. Lucky them. You spend ages trying to think of something funny to put on your own profile with the thought at the back of your mind of "be yourself" even if that doesn't exactly get you far.

 

That's because people on dating websites tend to be adept at dating. (in my opinion) That speaks nothing at all of their ability to be happy in a relationship.

It seems to me that there's more narcissists on dating websites than there are genuine guys looking for a real relationship. But then again, I may just be biased.

 

 

I don't agree with the fake-it suggestion at all. I'd much rather be with someone who is inexperienced in relationships...yet is demonstrating the capability of being open, honest, and essentially emotionally intimate than with someone who is essentially putting on a show to fit a mold that he THINKS I'm looking for.

 

 

I guess my best suggestion is just to get out and do things, meet people, and be patient for the day that you bump into a girl who not only accepts but admires your history.

[theseeker]

fake it until you make it.

 

That isn't what you advised me to do in my latest thread. You advised that I get out there and date, sure. But you also said that I should be honest and tell guys what is really going on, as far as inexperience is concerned, so that there isn't a misunderstanding.

 

 

As far as the OP, it IS hard to go for it and approach someone. Especially if they are strangers. But that is exactly what you have to do, you have to GO FOR IT.

I don't have much experience, I have only dated one guy, ever. But I was the one who initiated it (i.e.: Hey, watch this movie trailer. Looks like a cool movie. Oh, its playing at such&such theater this upcoming Friday night. WE SHOULD GO SEE IT SOMETIME.) That is exactly how I did it. He had movie tickets pre-ordered & dinner reservations within half an hour.

 

Now I understand that you are male, and that it is a lot more intimidating because us women can be mean and critical as hell. But in all seriousness, I have found that the prettiest girl in the room is, many a times, the loneliness. Have you ever heard of the 'crowd phenomenon'? It was a psychological study conducted in NYC where there was an accident (ex: car wreck with people hurt) and NONE of the witnesses called 911, assuming that someone else would call for help, or already had. The same can be said of the pretty girl, guys assume she is out of their league or already taken.

 

Men are the aggressive actors when it comes to initiating a date. If a woman does it, I feel like the guy may get the wrong idea. But what do you got to loose? Ask a girl out and see. If she looks you up and down and rolls her eyes - then she isn't the kind of girl who you should waste your time on anyway. But eye rolling is rare, most women (even if they turn you down because they are already taken or whatever) would be thrilled to be asked out.

 

If you have a hard time initiating small talk with a woman, just walk up to her and say something like "My sister's birthday is coming up, and she asked for the exact same shoes you have on right now. They look expensive, where did you get them?" She will talk your ear off for hours and all you have to do is smile, make eye contact, buy her a drink and laugh at her jokes. Then comes the hard part, the asking out part. I have had long conversations with guys which have ended with them asking for my phone number. After that, the time I wasted talking their ear off seems like it was simply an empty conversation I had had with myself. If you say "I really like you, you're funny!" That will make it seem a little less obvious. Then, if she has to leave or whatever, say "Ok, it was really nice meeting you! There should be more ladies out there in the world as charming and down to earth as you are, then maybe I'd be able to find someone to take out on a date!"

You don't have to say these exact words - my point is to make getting their number, or asking them out on a date, seem like it was their idea.

 

I might be making this too difficult, but I am just trying to take my personal way of getting a date and orient it towards a male approaching a female rather than vice versa.

 

OH, and just FYI: you're not the only one who thinks its hard to get a date. It seems to be perpetual: the longer you go without, the more impossible it seems. Don't make it bigger than it really is. When you do get your first date, which I believe you will if you are willing to take a small risk, don't mentally turn it into Judgement day. Dates are simply enjoying someone's company. They are casual, entertaining, simple and fun. And you just might get a kiss at the end of it! If it turns out to be a disaster, relaaaaax and don't relish on it. Laugh at yourself and try again.

Edited July 9, 2011 by theseeker

[runner]

fake it til you make it is a pretty good start, but you gotta follow it up with substance. which means you have to (a) accept and like who you are as a person no matter whom or what society has to say about it; and (b) learn to be a good friend to anyone regardless of gender. get those two items out of the way and your dating issue will practically solve itself.

 

and being physically attractive would help since many men are visually motivated- so do something to get in shape.

[willowthewisp]

You've had some excellent advice from the women who have responded on this thread, trust me a nice women will be flattered to be approached even if they turn you down. Women in general have become suspious and sceptical when men approach because many of them (not all) after one thing, it is refreshing when a guy approaches and is kind, genuine, thoughtful, respectful and honest.

 

I also agree with the other poster who said they would rather get involved with a 34 year old virgin that a guy who had multiple sexual partners. I am 35 and I would prefer a virgin to a guy who has had lots of women, a guy with a low number of sexual partners says something to me about his integritiy, respect for himself and women and how he views intimacy.

 

So get out there, take some risks and you may just be pleasantly surprised to find that women actually prefer you to the usual come ons we get!