Please help!! Why can't I get over her past????

[bye2past]

Someone's gotta know the answer....My fiancee and I have an LDR (Japan - US), which we've come to accept because we're both very much in love. She wasn't with many guys at all before me (5 oral, 2 full), but somehow I can't stop picturing her having oral sex with those guys. It does NOT turn me on or anything like that....in fact, it makes me very angry.

 

I understand that we didn't even know each other when she was with those guys, but for some reason (please help!) I just can't get over these images in my head! And no, it's not as simple as "just don't think about it." Sometimes these images enter my head when I'm absorbed in something completely different. She says that I'm the best she's ever had, emotionally + physically. I definitely believe her, but I'm really having trouble coming to terms with her past.

 

I mean, I really love this girl! She wasn't with these guys for a while at all, but I simply think the world of her, and it boils my blood to think about another guy's hand on her head while she's, ahem, "busy."

 

I really don't want to get angry, and I feel like a jackass every time I do. I've been dealing with this for over a month, so I thought it was time to seek help. Somebody please help! Thank you very much!!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I have a question for you. Were you a virgin before you met this girl?

If the answer was no then why should she not feel the same way as you do toward her? If you cannot get over this in this day and age then I suggest you break up and go looking for a virgin. I suggest that you think about counseling to understand why you have such insecurity about yourself. It is a shame because you are throwing away happiness because of your own insecurity and lack of confidence about yourself.

[bye2past]

Ahh...so it IS insecurity. I guessed it might be that (as it has been a trend in other areas of my life), but I definitely needed to hear that from another person. I guess the next step is to admit to myself that I'm insecure, and work from there.

 

I know man, believe me, I feel like a big piece of crap about feeling that way. I actually feel a lot better since when I first learned about it, but the simple fact it's still on my mind worries me. It's like, what kind of a person am I if I can't get over something so trivial? Especially since I really do love her. Shouldn't I be over it by now? I mean, shouldn't it not even be close to a thought?

 

No, I'm not a virgin, to answer your question. And you're right -- if either of us has a reason to feel weird about each other's pasts, it's her. I just gotta get it together. She's really a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I would hate to act stupidly with her because of my insecurity. She's worth more to me than being insecure.

 

Thanks very much

[jmargel]

When I was with my ex I thought the same way. She was with five guys and I was a virgin. Some how I felt 'jilted' but in other ways I felt I was very lucky to have found the right one the first time around (so I thought).

 

After she left I had sex with five others, none in a relationship. It was a very hollow & shallow feeling. I highly doubt she thinks back on those times and probably wishes you were her first. I've said that to my fiancee (the one I'm with now) and made her smile & she said the same in return. Maybe that's something you can try. You can't change the past and past experiences have made her what she is today. She knows now what is important in life. When those thoughts start getting into your head, force yourself to think good things about her. She has done nothing wrong. You need to remember that.