absent Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t know how I can safely put an end to it. If I told the truth to those this is affecting I don’t know what would happen given that they’re both very fragile men who suffer from depression/anxiety/insecurity/loneliness/perhaps low self-esteem. (Yeah I sure know how to pick them). One has been my boyfriend for 4 years. Things have been very rocky to the point for the last year we’ve fought and have broken up almost every day, but then we’d get right back together. Mainly it was me who kept crawling back. However, at the beginning of this year I lost a close relative and he showed very little support during that time. I was scheduled to fly across country for a funeral, and he decided to play games with me over whether or not he’d take care of my cat and I would’ve missed my flight had it not been cancelled due to weather conditions and rescheduled for the next day. Since then I’ve deeply resented him for it. It’s like my heart began to form a numb shell that enables me to not care or think very much. So I broke up with him for a longer period of time than usual and moved out with hopes to move on. During this time I started going out more to fill the void, meet new people and make new friends, and one of those new friends is the new guy. We just started out as friends and I told him I what I was going through and he sympathized, saying he was going through a similar situation but things remained platonic between us. Anyway I ended up back with my boyfriend because he finally apologized for the funeral situation, and we tried to do the whole water under the bridge thing, but our relationship became a Monday -Thursday relationship, and for many reasons we’d fight and break up every Friday-Sunday. During the weekends, I started to get to know my guy friend more. We began to flirt a lot and I found him fun, mysterious, and exciting to be around. Well during one of these weekend break-ups, we slept together and I didn’t feel guilty about it. I justified that I was single at the time and it was just something that just happened and that it was actually my boyfriend’s fault for dumping me that weekend, although I didn’t tell him what I did. I assumed that my guy friend had other things going on with other women because he had a lot of female friends and seemed to be as equally flirtatious with them as he had been with me, and I started to feel jealous and used. So I left him alone for a while, and kept doing the Monday-Thursday thing with my boyfriend for the last couple of months, until a little over a month ago during another one of our weekend break-ups in which I was the one who was dumped again, I bumped into my guy friend. He was hanging out with someone else who happens to be a mutual friend who is married and I was so jealous and annoyed that I couldn’t walk straight, mainly upset because he was acting like he didn’t know me and at how well she seemed to know him, but it didn’t stop me from getting him into bed the next day. Now why did I do that? Just to see if I could have him, but I ended up getting more than what I wanted. During pillow talk he asked me if I would be his girlfriend, I didn’t think he was serious and so I said no. But over the next couple of days he kept calling and asking me and so I finally gave in, thinking that since I was jealous of him talking to other women, I must’ve felt something towards him and that we had an amazing time whenever we hung out. I felt that he could possibly be that someone who could finally get me to take my mind off of my boyfriend for good. So I told my boyfriend it was really over and cut him off but didn’t want to say why and I chose not to. I just stopped answering his calls, wouldn’t open his emails, didn’t answer the door when he came around (mostly because I wasn’t home, was busy hanging out with the new guy) and then I get this angry message from his mother on Facebook saying he was in the hospital for trying to hurt himself. I went to go see him and check on him, and he was in bad shape saying he did it because I broke his heart and at that point I didn’t have the guts to tell him that I had moved on but instead I told him I would try again to work things out with him to make him feel better. Now during the time I had spent with my new guy, all the fun, games and mystery stopped within a couple of weeks. He turned out to be a different person than who I thought he was. At first I thought that this was going to be a rebound fling, someone just to hang around and date but the sex stopped and he wanted more of cuddle buddy and housewife. I didn’t think he would be serious about me in the short span of a month but he’s already mentioned he wants me to move in and to marry me and to have children with me, but he stopped going out and doesn’t want me to go out at all. I was barely able to hang out with my friends or talk to them. I found this suspicious at first because he was always out when I met him, and he was always hanging out with our mutual friends and I assumed that he just didn’t want to be seen with me so women think that he’s still single because he still talks to all these women, but then tells me that he wants it to be just us. Sounds cute and endearing right? But then he constantly wanted me to compare him to my past boyfriends who I just wanted to forget about, he’s worried about how he is in bed but stopped sleeping with me, even though I tell him he’s amazing and great, but he doesn’t believe me and his insecurities started to get annoying to me. Nothing I ever tell him is ever good or convincing enough, but he sure listens well when I’m angry. Not only that, he has started going to our friends for support, telling them our personal business and some of them are starting to not want to be my friend anymore. I’m now always getting told by both men that I’m a horrible and selfish mean person, I’ve had to listen to it for over 4 hours in one sitting for over two days and they don’t even know that I’m cheating on them. One’s theme song for me is that “She’s a bitch but I love her anyway.” I tell them if I’m so horrible then let’s break-up, and I even beg them to leave me. I dumped the new one, telling him that he can find someone better and he stood outside of my window crying and begging for me back, telling me how lonely and miserable he was and then I get a call from my friend cussing me out for making him feel that way. Even though my friends have no clue, I’m back with my ex too, I took both of them back, and I quit my social network, I’m constantly monitoring where the guys are and making excuses and lying so I can schedule the time I spend with them so everybody can be happy. I know I can’t dodge bullets forever and to be honest right now I want both of them to go away. I can be perfectly fine alone now. My new guy oddly still won’t sleep with me, his last excuse was because I’m a bitch and it’s a turn off and I don’t feel like being intimate with my ex because I feel like my desire for him is gone, so it’s not like I’m ever sleeping with them at or around the same time. They make awesome friends but they “don’t do that” it’s “all or nothing” but they can’t seem to deal with or accept “nothing”. I’m basically with both of them out of pity, and I will never do this again. I’m just scared of what would happen if I told my ex: “I met someone new.” And told the new guy: “I’m back with my ex.” I just wish there was a way I could make a clean break besides disappearing out of the country, but given two either manipulative or unstable people, what could happen if I told them the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Just dump them both. Make up whatever reason you like to soften the blow. Next time they tell you that you're a horrible selfish mean person, just say OK I'm now a horrible selfish mean SINGLE person, goodbye forever. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Yeah, just dump them both, make up whatever lame excuse you can, then probably your eyes will glow and you will disappear into bats. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 .......then probably your eyes will glow and you will disappear into bats. ...... huh....? Link to post Share on other sites
Glinda Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I agree with the previous posters. Break up with both of them. Then please get some help. From reading your long post, it is clear that these guys aren't the only ones who suffer from "depression/anxiety/insecurity/loneliness/perhaps low self-esteem." Link to post Share on other sites
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