Falling hard for someone... THEN realising they're not pretty/handsome enough!

[Househead85]

I've been seeing a girl almost every day for a few weeks and we've fallen hard for each other. We're a proper couple already, infact, right up to saying 'I love you' (I know, I know.) I think its been so quick because, being from South America, she's different to any girl I've ever been with. Exotic, unbelievably passionate and so caring, not to mention intelligent, very talented, with a great body, and amazing in bed (we've had sex almost non-stop from day one.)

 

Thing is, I've realised as that early intoxication starts to subside, she's not quite pretty enough. You know, to just want to look at her face. No other way to put it. I'm a fairly handsome guy, and I don't expect a '10', but my ex-gf was prettier. This girl is not ugly, but she has kind of bad teeth, goofy smile, and her features are just not refined in a kind of feminine way.

 

The worst thing is two close FEMALE friends told me - quite bluntly - 'she isn't hot enough for you'. That was a hammer blow - these girls are mature women whose opinion I value dearly. And the worst bit is over the last few days, this girl has not even worn any makeup - that is nice because that's who she is, and she feels relaxed, but I just want to feel excited when I look at her face. Not just when we're having sex, or cuddling, but I just want to look at her face at any time and think 'you're really pretty', and I'm afraid I just don't.

 

Can anyone relate and what did you do? Its just such a confusing situation, I'm caught between feeling like a shallow moron, and not 'settling' for someone who I can't just look at and feel 'butterflies'. Please, try not to bash me, I had to sound this out somewhere. Its early days, and I will not, ever, lead her on if I'm not feeling it.

 

Thanks.

[RedRussian8080]

You sound like a hot chick dating a nice guy. Her "friends" want to sex you up and trying to break you up, DUH! your hot chick, of course you are shallow moron, but that is who you are, so own it . I recommend you braking up with the nice guy, would you want to be with someone who thinks you are not good enough for them?

 

Go have sex with her mature women you respect aka her friends who are so respectful of their friend. Go on hot girl, you still young, go play the field and compare people to your EX some more. Because you know it is a right thing to do.

 

You guys had sex on day one, that shows what you think of her. You lost the thrill of a chase, she gave it up to easy, no respect.

 

When you get old dear sister, and you will have funny smile and bad teeth, i hope you will find a person like your self who would care for you not because you are hot, but because you have a kind heart.

 

Don't forget to have sex like 100 times before you break up with the nice guy.

[vsmini]

The worst thing is two close FEMALE friends told me - quite bluntly - 'she isn't hot enough for you'. That was a hammer blow - these girls are mature women whose opinion I value dearly.

 

Mature women? I think not. They sound like two stuck up C*nts who are too stupid to know what's important in life. They obviously don't care for how happy you are on the inside - but what you two look like on the outside as a couple.

Yea - really wise girls you find yourself with.

[Scarlett513]

I agree, I'm betting these two female "friends" of yours are jealous of your gf's amazing body... So they're finding flaws in her wherever they can. Regardless, you say you've fallen hard for this girl. So hard that a couple of snarky comments from your friends would instigate all of this? If you really cared about her as a person you wouldn't be letting your friend's tear her apart in front of you and you certainly wouldn't be tearing her apart yourself. The bottom line here is that you didn't fall hard for HER, you fell hard for the sex. Otherwise you would be finding her little imperfections endearing and cute.

 

As a woman you has been told on multiple occasions that the man of the moment wasn't good looking enough for me, I've been in that position. The only difference is that those were men who had other qualities I was extremely attracted to, which made them even cuter in my eyes.

[vsmini]

I agree, I'm betting these two female "friends" of yours are jealous of your gf's amazing body... So they're finding flaws in her wherever they can. Regardless, you say you've fallen hard for this girl. So hard that a couple of snarky comments from your friends would instigate all of this? If you really cared about her as a person you wouldn't be letting your friend's tear her apart in front of you and you certainly wouldn't be tearing her apart yourself. The bottom line here is that you didn't fall hard for HER, you fell hard for the sex. Otherwise you would be finding her little imperfections endearing and cute.

 

As a woman you has been told on multiple occasions that the man of the moment wasn't good looking enough for me, I've been in that position. The only difference is that those were men who had other qualities I was extremely attracted to, which made them even cuter in my eyes.

 

Well said!!

And shame on the OP who let's these stupid, shallow, insecure morons sway his affections for his girl. Isn't she lucky?

[golightly]

Was it only after your two mates said she isnt hot enough that you thought about this??

 

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone less attractive than them, they feel deep down that they aren't capable of getting someone hotter. But are you with this girl because of who she is as a person or do you just want some hot girl to hang on your arm??

 

If you want the companionship.. then she sounds great.. If you want a trophy then you should dump her now before you get even closer. It isnt fair on her.

 

My friends have told me in an affectionate way that my man isn't so hot... but he's lovely and looks after me and they all adore him. A lot of people really respect me because I think he's gorgeous, even if he isn't a typical stud.

 

Over time the extreme lust in every relationship fades, but usually it gets replaced with affection and deeper love, so that you see the real beauty in someone's soul and that over powers the physical. If it's just fading for you, then maybe she isn't your girl.. let her down gently. But remember that the next girl may be prettier but may not have anything else going for her... what is it that you really want?? x

[MarthaMe]

This is the typical scenario when people have sex right away and bond based on the sex.

 

If you had dated her at a slow pace you would have seen her flaws before she ****ed your brains out. Now you are confused because she ****ed your brains out. Make no mistake about this. Sex sometimes causes people to bond.

 

You are also concerned with what your friends may think because she is a Hispanic woman. It is also possible you fell in love with her body and personality rather than her face.

 

In any event you seem like a very shallow dude and she deserves better than you. I suggest you break up with her right away so she can find a man that deserves her.

 

Agreed... Well agree with pretty much all the replies. Dump her! She's not pretty enough for you. You can't look at her face. From now on I suggest having these two female friends attached at your hip so they can find you a "keeper". Hey maybe they can pick out your clothes and order your food when you're out too...

[Househead85]

Well, looks like I got the bashing I (probably) deserved. But thanks for the helpful replies anyway. And I think you guys are right, the early intense physicality has bonded us and skewed the natural development of our relationship. That is an insight that makes me glad I posted, bashing or not.

 

But I don't think though that loving everything about someone, except how they look, makes me shallow. I think its just honest. Why shouldn't I want to just look at her face and think how pretty she is? Is that so wrong?

 

And I know I might not meet someone as great in every other way. I know that. There are no easy answers.

 

And btw, my friends are defintiely not "shallow, insecure morons". They are beautiful people who I love and respect very much. Perhaps they just were too honest as well.

[Househead85]

I really think most of the dating problems on this site have to do with having sex way too soon. One needs to know a person quite well before going to bed.

 

 

If he had taken it slowly he would have seen the imperfections and move on. Now he sees the imperfections, but is also hooked to her because of her great body and sex.

 

 

And her wonderful personality, intelligence, style and passion for life. Other than that, you are absolutely right.

[MarthaMe]

I've been seeing a girl almost every day for a few weeks and we've fallen hard for each other. We're a proper couple already, infact, right up to saying 'I love you' (I know, I know.) I think its been so quick because, being from South America, she's different to any girl I've ever been with. Exotic, unbelievably passionate and so caring, not to mention intelligent, very talented, with a great body, and amazing in bed (we've had sex almost non-stop from day one.)

 

Thing is, I've realised as that early intoxication starts to subside, she's not quite pretty enough. You know, to just want to look at her face. No other way to put it. I'm a fairly handsome guy, and I don't expect a '10', but my ex-gf was prettier. This girl is not ugly, but she has kind of bad teeth, goofy smile, and her features are just not refined in a kind of feminine way.

 

The worst thing is two close FEMALE friends told me - quite bluntly - 'she isn't hot enough for you'. That was a hammer blow - these girls are mature women whose opinion I value dearly. And the worst bit is over the last few days, this girl has not even worn any makeup - that is nice because that's who she is, and she feels relaxed, but I just want to feel excited when I look at her face. Not just when we're having sex, or cuddling, but I just want to look at her face at any time and think 'you're really pretty', and I'm afraid I just don't.

 

Can anyone relate and what did you do? Its just such a confusing situation, I'm caught between feeling like a shallow moron, and not 'settling' for someone who I can't just look at and feel 'butterflies'. Please, try not to bash me, I had to sound this out somewhere. Its early days, and I will not, ever, lead her on if I'm not feeling it.

 

Thanks.

 

I'm sorry, yes sex really early on was a bad idea and you probably would have just moved on. Which, for her sake, I hope you do now. She's got a great body? Is passionate, so caring, intelligent, talented, AND amazing in bed? This poor girl is being judged on something she can't control, and just like he said, she isn't ugly, just not pretty enough. Give me a break, no sympathy, pretty sure there are a hundred guys on here who would kill themselves to get this girls number. She doesn't deserve to be a topic on this forum. It's disgusting. To each their own, but the added insult of the two neraest and dearest trying to put ideas in your head to get you going? This is one lucky lady.

 

It sounds like you are looking for a 10, because other than the fact that her face isn't up to your standards, she sounds bloody perfect to me.

[Eeyore79]

In my experience, what happens is that you're attracted to the overall package - the person's looks might not be so hot, but they have other attributes which compensate for that. Then as time passes, you find out more about them and discover that they don't actually have all the great attributes you thought they did, or maybe you discover some negative attributes which tip the balance. Suddenly their lack of good looks becomes an issue because there isn't enough good stuff to balance it out and make the overall package attractive.

 

Is there anything else about your perception of this girl which has changed, so that her lack of beauty is suddenly an issue because there's nothing to compensate for it?

[milkmaterial]

**** man..**** ..thats all i was thinking.

 

i am old now, but back in the day i hang out w/ model females (friends) and some of their male model friends..rich people too, who judged people a lot unfairly and made me cringe a lot quietly (or sometimes loudly) these people were shallow..but damn

 

op

 

you take the cake.

 

@vsmini

 

was thinking the same thing..mature women? mature in looks or age? who gauged their maturity? lol

 

anyway im sorry if i sound harsh..it just really blows my mind when someone says so and so is ugly or whatever. its kinda embarrassing to say these things granted youre not so hot yourself.(im willing to bet you look like you got sat on for 2 years)

Edited July 5, 2011 by milkmaterial

[Spices]

Don't dump her because her face isn't attractive enough. Instead, talk to her about improving her appearance.

 

You say she has bad teeth? Talk to her about braces in the most caring way possible. Offer to help her out with the cost of braces. Talk to her about whitening her teeth & buy her tooth whitening strips. Talk to her about makeup, and cosmetics. Tell her that you love girly girls who wear makeup and take care of their appearance. Book her an appointment for a facial.

 

If you see a flaw, just polish it up. She'll probably be thankful for your honesty & the fact that you're improving her for the better.

[USMCHokie]

This poor girl is being judged on something she can't control, and just like he said, she isn't ugly, just not pretty enough.

 

This sounds an awful lot like women judging a guy based on height...?

 

To OP, just own it. If she isn't doing it for you, then she isn't doing it for you.

[Emilia]

It's harsh but everyone in the whole wide world gets criticised for their looks, that's how it is. Maybe your friends should have phrased it better but the truth is, most relationships don't last where the men is much more attractive than the woman and they know this. There are plenty of cases where dating becomes only a fling, not a full relationship because you realise you are not a good match. C'est la vie and move on.

[bac]

Go with flow and enjoy what you have untill it is not enjoyable.

 

She might feel the same way about you. For example, she might think that you are very terrible at sex compare to her ex-lover, especially if he was a Latino or smth very different than you are. She might hate having sex with you but like most women tells you white lies that you were great. Be patient and she might drop you soon by herself.

[sm1tten]

If you value your physical attractedness to your partner more than their other qualities and can't look past them, then you should date someone you are more attracted to. End of story.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

She might feel the same way about you. For example, she might think that you are very terrible at sex compare to her ex-lover, especially if he was a Latino or smth very different than you are. She might hate having sex with you but like most women tells you white lies that you were great. Be patient and she might drop you soon by herself.

 

I so, so hope you're right!

 

OP - were you desperately horny when you got together with this woman, or what. I mean - if her face is so unworthy of being gazed upon, isn't this something that's easy to notice right away? Maybe you've just recently got around to spending time with her when it's not dark? And she was hot enough to poke, but you weren't expecting to partake of that activity with her more than once ... but then got a bit hooked?

 

Anyhoo, for her sake (because she sounds cool, and probably really, really is hot to many folks) I hope the quoted poster is correct and that you're the dumpee rather than the dumper.

[OliveOyl]

In my experience, what happens is that you're attracted to the overall package - the person's looks might not be so hot, but they have other attributes which compensate for that. Then as time passes, you find out more about them and discover that they don't actually have all the great attributes you thought they did, or maybe you discover some negative attributes which tip the balance. Suddenly their lack of good looks becomes an issue because there isn't enough good stuff to balance it out and make the overall package attractive.

 

Is there anything else about your perception of this girl which has changed, so that her lack of beauty is suddenly an issue because there's nothing to compensate for it?

I agree with this.

 

I understand how people want to bash the OP about his shallowness but there are many layers to relationships and in the beginning there are things you are still learning about a person and still figuring out the importance of the various layers to you. I don't think you should dump this girl at all but slow things down, step back and try to get to know her more fully.

 

My BF, while not unattractive, is not as conventionally attractive as my ex. The weird thing is, I always looked at my ex and thought "he's a good-looking man" but that never translated to wanting to jump in bed with him. Whereas when I look at my BF, some might not consider him to be very good-looking (he has the potential, but could stand to lose some weight, etc.) but wow, the attraction is strong. It's really very, very different.

 

Simply knowing that others think your significant other is attractive doesn't make the relationship strong. Would you still have the same issue if your friends hadn't brought it up?

[grkBoy]

Househead85, take my advice.

 

I was the nice guy many women passed up and/or started up with but then dropped to look for a "bigger better deal".

 

You would be surprised how many of them NOW wish they hadn't let me go, or had tried with me in the past.

 

WHY? Because here I am in a solid RL that will lead to marriage, and they know I won't ever do my GF wrong. Those women though are single, bitter, some knocked up, and thus wonder "where are all the decent guys?"

 

The moral of the story is when you have something good, don't toss it away for shallow things. So this girl right now isn't as "hot" as women in your past. How many of those past women though were good to you?

 

Remember Silent Bob in Clerks: "There's a million fine women out there, but not all of them will bring you lunch. Most of them just cheat on you."

If this girl is wonderful to you and you reallly love her, then don't worry if some "hotter" girl might pop up that you'll miss out on. Chances are those hot girls will be the burned out b!tches that you'll only complain about down the road.

 

Look how many 30 and 40 something guys endlessly complain on how all the women their age look "haggard" and thus these guys continually chase hot 20somethings, but then complain all these women are only good for a good time, but none are "wife worthy".

 

Do you see the stupidity?

[vsmini]

Well, looks like I got the bashing I (probably) deserved. But thanks for the helpful replies anyway. And I think you guys are right, the early intense physicality has bonded us and skewed the natural development of our relationship. That is an insight that makes me glad I posted, bashing or not.

 

But I don't think though that loving everything about someone, except how they look, makes me shallow. I think its just honest. Why shouldn't I want to just look at her face and think how pretty she is? Is that so wrong?

 

And I know I might not meet someone as great in every other way. I know that. There are no easy answers.

 

And btw, my friends are defintiely not "shallow, insecure morons". They are beautiful people who I love and respect very much. Perhaps they just were too honest as well.

 

 

 

 

Wrong. Unless you and I have very different definitions of what a "beautiful" or "honest" person is - because those two gems of yours don't seem to fit in at all. Sounds like they aren't honest - but just don't understand what's important.

What does that even mean? "she's not hot enough for you." hot enough for what? To give you a good relationship? to make you happy? to be a good person?

 

Please - girls sound like catty sorority sisters that have insecurity issues of their own. You probably only respect their opinions because they feed your ego by saying stupid sh*t like that.

 

Not to mention - with them saying things like that they're obviously dismissing your feelings for her. If my guy friend liked a girl that wasn't very attractive by general standards I wouldn't think to use that as a dig. It's disrespectful to the guy and to the girl as well. If you stay with her are these two beautiful ladies going to support that? Are they going to turn their faces around and be nice to her?

 

This has nothing to do with honesty but integrity and kindness. Those girls lack that and so do you if you let those two influence your feelings on this girl

Edited July 5, 2011 by vsmini

[Hot Chick]

do you have a photo of her you could post so we could see what you're talking about?

[Hot Chick]

Or could you give an example of a celebrity you find truly pretty that you would want to keep looking at her face and give an example of a celebrity who is more like your girlfriend, that you don't really want to look at that intensely but who is not ugly but attractive, just not insanely hot like you would like?

That would be very helpful in assessing this situation.

Thanks.

[LexiB]

This sounds an awful lot like women judging a guy based on height...?

 

To OP, just own it. If she isn't doing it for you, then she isn't doing it for you.

 

 

 

I agree with this. Does this girl sound amazing? Sure. But if OP isn't attracted to her, he's not attracted to her. No need for the hatefest.

 

OP, either work with her to try to improve her apearance (definitely not for the faint of heart!) or move on. Done.

[LexiB]

Or could you give an example of a celebrity you find truly pretty that you would want to keep looking at her face and give an example of a celebrity who is more like your girlfriend, that you don't really want to look at that intensely but who is not ugly but attractive, just not insanely hot like you would like?

That would be very helpful in assessing this situation.

Thanks.

 

But it really doesn't matter because attraction is so subjective. He could say his gf is a cross between Halle Berry and Giselle and as crazy as most people would think he is, it still comes down to what *he* finds attractive.