verhrzn Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I want to give up on love and relationships, but I don't know how; my heart is too stubborn, and won't allow me to stop longing for someone to love me. But my brain has correctly deduced that I'm just never going to that. How do I convince my heart? For everyone saying," Oh just hold out hope, you'll find someone!"... don't. I'm 26, not getting any younger or any prettier. I never get flirted with, or hit on... my last two boyfriends dumped me for being ugly. This weekend, I went to a sci-fi con, and I bombed-hard-with four of the guys I tried with. (Three of the four flirted back with me, but the first one then forgot I existed and flirted with my friend instead, the 2nd friend-requested me while drunk and then hasn't said anything to me since, and the 3rd one hasn't responded to a request I sent him two days ago.) If I can't even get nerds to like me, who are supposedly desperate, what chance do I have of getting any male to like me? I wear make-up, I work out, I have hobbies and I'm friendly. I even tried doing the approaching and the chasing, and yet.... nothing. So how do I give up? How do I just accept that I seem to repulse guys? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 If I can't even get nerds to like me, who are supposedly desperate, what chance do I have of getting any male to like me? Try guys outside of the "nerd" demographic. You'd be surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Erm... post a pic? Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Try guys outside of the "nerd" demographic. You'd be surprised. I have tried... they like me even less, cause I myself am a nerd (into video games and comics, kind of a dorky sense of humor.) This is me in the yellow: http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a70/vertical_sky/batmangroup.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
CandyGirlXO Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Wow!!! You're cute!!!!! Seriously....and my bf would LOVE you. He loves videogames and comics LOL I DO NOT! Keep your head up, it WILL happen. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I want to give up on love and relationships, but I don't know how; my heart is too stubborn, and won't allow me to stop longing for someone to love me. But my brain has correctly deduced that I'm just never going to that. How do I convince my heart? You don't. because you don't want to. because actually, you don't believe it. If you really believed it, Logic would over-ride emotion. But your mind and emotions are actually in sync. You're just fighting it. Your Mind and heart are inseparable, by the way.... Your heart can feel, but it needs your mind to think. For everyone saying," Oh just hold out hope, you'll find someone!"... don't. I'm 26, not getting any younger or any prettier. Thanks. No, really, Thanks. Can't help but feel greatly insulted by this remark. It's both thoughtless and self-defeating, and frankly, ignorant. I'm 54 and just got remarried. I never get flirted with, or hit on... With your attitude, I'm not surprised. As Forrest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does". if you never get flirted with or hit on... maybe there's something about your vibes that says 'push off', even when you seem to be saying, "Bring it on".... my last two boyfriends dumped me for being ugly. Is that a fact? Did they tell you that for sure? What did you look like when they first started going out with you? Did they say "ok, you're ugly, but we'll go out with you....."...? Sure they did. This weekend, I went to a sci-fi con, and I bombed-hard-with four of the guys I tried with. (Three of the four flirted back with me, but the first one then forgot I existed and flirted with my friend instead, the 2nd friend-requested me while drunk and then hasn't said anything to me since, and the 3rd one hasn't responded to a request I sent him two days ago.) If I can't even get nerds to like me, who are supposedly desperate, If a nerd is desperate, they guess that any woman who hits on them, must be even more desperate.... And in this case, would they be right? Would you rather bomb with nerds, or used for what they can get because they're desperate? what chance do I have of getting any male to like me? I wear make-up, I work out, I have hobbies and I'm friendly. I even tried doing the approaching and the chasing, and yet.... nothing. Looks are nothing when compared to attitude. Your looks may say one thing. Your attitude says another. And it's speaking volumes. I'm hearing lack of self-esteem, insecurity and poor personal image..... So how do I give up? How do I just accept that I seem to repulse guys? This may be your question, but I really don't believe you even come close to meaning it. Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 ^^ That. And... the picture isn't clear, but you seem to have nice features; you also seem younger than you really are. I don't really like your hairstyle, and I'm not sure about makeup... but I definitely don't think you're ugly, or that you get rejected because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) come on now! you're cute! you just need to develop your self-esteem. stop worrying so much about what other guys think and just do your own thing. desperation is not an attractive trait and men can smell it from miles away; it's going to keep them away and effectively undercut all the great things you do have going for you. so just relax and be yourself. let things happen naturally and stop trying so hard. Edited July 5, 2011 by radiodarcy Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 And... the picture isn't clear, but you seem to have nice features; you also seem younger than you really are. I don't really like your hairstyle, and I'm not sure about makeup... but I definitely don't think you're ugly, or that you get rejected because of that. Agreed. And I personally think the mirror picture you posted in the other thread is a great pic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Can't help but feel greatly insulted by this remark. It's both thoughtless and self-defeating, and frankly, ignorant. I'm 54 and just got remarried. I apologize that you felt insulted, and congratulations on getting remarried, but I am not you. I don't have much to recommend me, and as I get older, I lose two of the advantages I DO have; youth, and the attractiveness that comes with youth. You obviously don't need those advantages, but I do. Is that a fact? Did they tell you that for sure? What did you look like when they first started going out with you? Did they say "ok, you're ugly, but we'll go out with you....."...? Sure they did. Yes, actually, they did. I dated both of them for six months... The first one would go on and on and on about how cute his ex-gf was, how beautiful his friend was, how hot MY friend was. He even told me once," It's okay that you're not hot, because I like cute girls over hot ones, and your personality makes up for your looks." The second one dumped me by saying," I like you, but you're not physically attractive." I don't think you can get any more obvious than that. Looks are nothing when compared to attitude. Your looks may say one thing. Your attitude says another. And it's speaking volumes. I'm hearing lack of self-esteem, insecurity and poor personal image..... You're hearing it in this post because I keep bombing, hard, no matter what I try. This weekend I was positive, outgoing and cheerful, and yet it was like I shouldn't have bothered at all. What exactly is the difference between insecurity and realism? Because it seems like no matter what I do, I'm seen as unattractive, so is it really low self esteem to just try to accept it? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Not only low self-esteem, but self-defeating and possible mild body dysmorphia. Plus you have a flawed radar when it comes to dating guys. I think you need to work on your perception - both of yourself and of others. We all deserve the best we can get. And I truly consider myself to be a lot less pretty than you, by the way. I'm serious. But I don't have self-image problems. I'm absolutely content with the way I am, because I can't actually be any other way. Not without some serious hard investment in plastic surgery. And frankly? I'd have much more pleasant things to spend my money on. Even if I had it. I love who I am. And I say that as un-egotistically as I can. You really need to completely love who you are, body, mind and soul. if you can't do that -then why expect anybody else to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 What exactly is the difference between insecurity and realism? Because it seems like no matter what I do, I'm seen as unattractive, so is it really low self esteem to just try to accept it? You create your own reality, so you're reality is a reflection of your insecurities. So in a way, there is no difference, per se. Your idea of realism will be directly influenced by how you feel about yourself. I can sort of empathize with you in that I have my own insecurities when it comes to dating and think that no one would be interested in me. I also understand the value of external validation to jumpstart you on the road to better self esteem...it's definitely not something you should depend on, but it is certainly helpful if you don't have something to draw on to convince you that you are attractive and desirable... Link to post Share on other sites
The_Good_Me Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 What exactly is the difference between insecurity and realism? Because it seems like no matter what I do, I'm seen as unattractive, so is it really low self esteem to just try to accept it? The fact is you're not ugly! You have a nice body and a cute face! You have nothing to worry about in this department so "realism" is out of the question. It sounds like you have low self esteem through bad experiences with your exes and the recent experiences with men. It's never nice when we feel rejection and knockbacks from other people and in a way it's natural to have self doubts. It sounds to me though that you are experiencing these self doubts on an extreme level. May I suggest making a list of your positive qualities? you already made a start in your OP "I wear make-up, I work out, I have hobbies and I'm friendly." Keep adding to this list, especially your personality traits. I'm sure you won't add that you're a good looking girl in there but hopefully one day, you'll get this list out again and add it right at the top! You need to find a way to start having positive thoughts about yourself again as these bad feelings are in your head. They are essentially your inner demons and you have to fight them. The goal is not necesserily to defeat them entirely as I believe many people if not all people have that inner demon that likes to put us down. They never truly go away but you can find ways to to ignore them. Next time you have strong feelings against yourself, go straight to your bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Read your list outloud while looking yourself in the eyes and smile a smile that lifts your face. Really, a good looking girl like yourself will have no trouble attracting men and one of them will be that guy that makes you feel like a princess. Hang in there girl, don't give up yet! Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Really, a good looking girl like yourself will have no trouble attracting men and one of them will be that guy that makes you feel like a princess. Hang in there girl, don't give up yet! Except... I AM having a hard time attracting men. That's the whole point of why I feel I should give up. Even when I'm positive and upbeat, I don't attract guys.... Link to post Share on other sites
amethyste Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Like everyone else, I doubt that's because of your looks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Like everyone else, I doubt that's because of your looks. Looks or personality, it's SOMETHING, which is repulsing them, which is why I asked the question in the first place... I can't figure out how to fix it, so that's why I figure it's wiser to just give up. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Looks or personality.... utterly and completely different things.... Good thing some dude parachuting, doesn't think, two-thirds of the way down, "I can't figure out how to fix it, so that's why I figure it's wiser to just give up." If at first you don't succeed, so much for sky-diving.....? You have your feet firmly on the ground. Giving up should be the absolute last resort, and it doesn't sound as if you've tried everything yet. You didn't answer my question.... You really need to completely love who you are, body, mind and soul. if you can't do that -then why expect anybody else to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author verhrzn Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Giving up should be the absolute last resort, and it doesn't sound as if you've tried everything yet. You didn't answer my question.... What else is there left to try? And they should like me even if I don't like myself because I'm nicer to them than I am to myself. I have to live here 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 What else is there left to try? And they should like me even if I don't like myself because I'm nicer to them than I am to myself. I have to live here 24/7. Hopeless... Link to post Share on other sites
ameriveaux Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I would have to echo the previous posters on the notion that your self-esteem and body image are playing a huge role in your endeavour. However, there are so many factors that play into the world of "dating and relationships" that not even 2 or 3 factors would ultimately be the source of your failures. First i would like you to pay attention to the type and age of men you are pursuing. It is along the same lines of going to a bar to find a husband. While under a blue moon it is possible, far more times than not a man in a bar looking for a woman for sex and not much else. In your case, where are you when you are trying to "hook up"or share time with a man? Are they mostly at these conventions? Have you ever thought that perhaps the mental and emotional maturity of the men at these locations probably isn't on the same level of what you are looking for in a long term mate? Perhaps most of the men there are simply looking for a good time ( in both ways ). This is not to say that you couldnt find the love of your life there. Also, in contrast, we cannot say that church will garuntee you a husband/long term boyfriend either. I would again like to point to the notion of age and its importance. While there is a cultural belief that men mature less rapidly than women, there can be some validity to that. Most people (myself included) would like to think that men nearing 30 would be at the point in life where they are getting ready, if not already so, to find a woman for "settling down". While that may not be the case, i would vehemently argue that your average man nearing 30 is going to be much more stable and mature than a man nearing 20. That can be another role in this equation. However, all of these points are very insignificant compared to you dealing with your own insecurities and self esteem. Lets be real, most people have a bit of self-esteem and body image issues. No ones body is perfect, and no one is perfect. When the self image problems get to the point where you are obsessing over them, than it can impede your ability to be comfortable enough interacting with a man to appear attractive enough to keep his interest. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Yo verhrzn, you live anywhere near Southern California? From how you described yourself you seem like somebody I might like to get to know. I seriously can't see why you have any trouble. The only thing that might be an issue is that something might be off with your people picker. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Hopeless... True dat.... Where's the "bashing head against wall" emoticon when you need it....? OP = what is it you REALLY want? because it's patently obvious your question wasn't seeking help in training your mind, but a cry for help in re-focusing your attitude.... "'Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured".... By all means call on 'god' - but at least row AWAY from the rocks....! Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 When I read this thread I felt the same way too. Love can be so frustrating, I often want to give up too. Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 @Verhrzn: Looking at your picture I think you're an incredibly attractive lady. I even like the fact that you went to the sci-fi con. I really don't think you should give up, you've had a few guys on here, me included, that have said that you're attractive. I think you've just got caught up on your 'strike outs'. There are people out there that will like you and love you for who you are so don't go changing. Maybe it's time to stop trying, rather than give up? Take me for an example. I tried internet dating recently and to start with I'd send out maybe 10 messages and only get 1 message in. Those 9 rejections hurt, week in week out. What I did instead was stop trying. I left my profile up but, as an experiment, didn't send out any messages, and I still got one message in my inbox in that time. That made me feel much better, I wasn't trying, yet I still had someone interested in me! If you want someone just to chat to, to talk things through or even just to have a laugh, just let me know, I'll be happy to help. Link to post Share on other sites
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