I dont want to get divorced. He needs SPACE

[amberlee]

Hi there. My husband and I are in our early 30's. We have been together for 10 and married for 3 - we have no children. We had some problems and have been fighting very frequently over the last 6 months - it seems we have gotten stuck in this pattern of fighting over anything. We have each threatened to leave at some pointin the last few months and said some hurtful things to one another. 3 Weeks ago he sat down with me and told me he wanted to leave and wasn't kidding. At first I pleaded with him as I would like to try to work things out. We have never tried counseling or tried anything differently than we had done before. He said "I just don't care anymore and I am numb" I asked him why and he said he can not give me an answer, he just doesn't care. He asked for "space" and has been residing on our living room couch. He (and I) spend as little time as we can away from the house and when we are here we hardly talk.

 

Well three weeks later, he is still here - now he says he can't leave until our basement is finished. I say, "so we can sell it?". He gets mad and says he just wants it to be finished and I am jumping to conclusions, he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to sell our house. He is still saying he is confused and doesn't know what he wants and he wants to miss me again so he is hoping some space will do the trick. Yet on the other hand, when I say, "so you want to try and work it out" he says he can't promise me anything. I asked him if he is having an affair or connecting with someone else - it seems like it. He says no and that another female is the last thing he needs in his life right now, I do believe him. He (like me) goes to the gym 5-6 days a week to get away. I now go to a different gym though. I just don't see how this space is helping?? It is hard because every fourth day or so I try to "talk" and he gets mad. He answers no questions I pose for him and he stares at the ceiling and shows absolutely no emotion toward me. He won't touch me or look at me half of the time. He tells me he still loves and cares about me, he just doesn't feel the "flame". He also said he has not thought of sex in the last month and doesn't care - I don't get that!

 

Anyway, I am going crazy!! I no longer talk to him during the work day, I don't call his cell phone, I sometimes dont even say goodbye in the morning or good night. I don't understand how one can go from cuddly and affectionate just before our "talk", to cold and completely shutting me out. He says he wants to be friends again, but this isn't how you treat a friend. Days go by and we don't say a word. We haven't done anything together - not even run an errand or go to the gym in 3 weeks. It is so weird! I am still in love with him and want to work things out!! I am not sure what to think, I can't figure him out. He did say he would go to counseling but I am not going to bother paying for it if he has this type of don't care attitude. I did start seeing one myself and I have started some meds - hopefully they will help me. He says he thinks it is too late for all of this as he deosn't care anymore.

 

Oh, we are going on a 5-day vacation with another couple )who knows nothing about this) in one week. I tell him I don't want to go but he says we can act like friends. Friends?? Sure, you are my husband! How should I be behaving or what should I do? I want to help save this marriage. Any thoughts?

[JustHere]

Hi Amberlee,

 

I have to say that my opinion is that he is having feelings for someone else. I went through a similar series of feelings and situation at home, with my wife, before I had the courage to tell her I had fallen in love with someone else. It isn't natural or normal to go from happy to unhappy absent an illness or death, or some major trauma.

 

If you guys had any type of relationship at all, I would recommend you set up a time when you know you'll have a couple of hours alone, and start a conversation and let him know up front that you have loved him and been honest with him, always, and that his happiness is important to you. Even if that happiness doesn't involve you. Tell him that you are certain he has developed feelings for someone else, and that you don't want to fight about it, argue or anything... you just want your friend and husband to have the courage and descency to be honest and open with you... tell him you deserve that much. If you reassure him you are not looking for a fight, don't want to lose him as a friend, but do want the truth however bad it may be, you may be able to get him to open up. Frankly, unless he has been unfaithful, is there any reason you two could not have the relationship end and still be friends? Love is not a forever deal, necessarily. It is fragile and takes effort, and the truth of the matter is that sometimes we all neglect it to the point that it loses its power, and that causes us (or allows us) to fall for someone else.

 

I guess all of this is directed at getting the truth from him, and from there you'll have a whole assortment of issues with which to deal. I truly think there is more to his problem than not being happy "all of the sudden." If you do some checking you will likely find clues. Him being honest with you is the least he owes you. But he will never do it if he feels like there will be a fight, like you'll hate him forever, etc... Although that may be the case later, to get him to open up you have to foster that belief in him. Mid life crisis is possible, but his behavior seems more like he has someone else on his mind and in his heart.

 

Like I said, I have been in his position and I can tell you that there were times I felt like I was cheating on my new love when I was with my wife. Sounds like he is going through that now.

 

By trying to get him to open up, you may get involved ealry enough to make a difference in the outcome.

 

I wish you the best, and please remember that I am just a normal guy offering my "opinion." People are so different and each set of circumstances different, that there is no way in the world anyone on this forum could tell you with any certainty why he is acting the way he is. All you can hope for are sugestions and mull over them, and maybe try some of the advice out. Most of us here have been through or are going through similar situations, which is the real value of loveshack.

 

Maintain your dignity and sanity.

[Juggs]

I sort of understand the space thing only because I am the one in need of space in my house... in my house, not counting my commute to/from work, I do not remember the last time I had time alone..... Time to myself to take a tub alone or sit and watch TV by myself for a few minutes or just do nothing if I choose. I just don't get the way he is going about it.

 

I don't think it's a waste of your money to go to counseling. I think he has a lot on his mind and has no idea how to express it. Maybe if he has agreed to go to counseling he needs to go alone for a while so he can get his thoughts straightened out without you there. Sometimes people have problems expressing themselves and they need some outside help figuring out what they are feeling and why. Then they can share their feelings after they understand them themselves.

[Rightlymia]

I have to agree with JustHere. My friends husband had a girlfriend and he started acting weird too. It was only after he moved out that he told her about his new woman. You definitely need to talk to him

[Samson]

Thought I'd voice as one of the few males on the thread (unless Jugs is one, and then this is most disturbing and in need of another thread).

 

Anyrate, couple of things you said I found most interesting; #1:

 

3 Weeks ago he sat down with me and told me he wanted to leave and wasn't kidding.

 

Ok guys and gals, this is never a "kidding" subject. Someone says they're gonna leave, then believe it. Sorta like suicide watch; take nothing for granted.

 

He (like me) goes to the gym 5-6 days a week to get away. I now go to a different gym though. I just don't see how this space is helping??

 

Its helping him because this is the place he has met someone else or he's making up an excuse to be away from you so he can see them.

 

No kidding.

[amberlee]

Well it has been 3 weeks since my last post and things are much the same as they were before.. The only difference is that my husband is now sleeping in the bed with me, although that is not any consolation. He is still confused and he still shows no "affectionate" emotions toward me. Actually though, a few days he has given me a peck good bye (although few and far between) or even called me at work. But then the following day his wall will be back up and he will remind me that "things are not back to normal". I am not sure what "normal" means anymore. He still denies and affair and I honestly can not see when he would have the time. He works during the day (retail) and can not get away. I know where he is almost every night and he has been spending many of his evenings at home.

 

I did try to talk to him this morning and of course he didn't have much to say. I then said, forget it, I know how you feel as you told me several weeks ago. He said that things are different and better and that he does not necessarily feel that way anymore. I asked him to then set the record straight and tell me how it is. He could and did not do that. He didn't have anything to say of course. Is this some big game to him?? I don't get it! He is so confusing and lately I have just been doing my own things and giving him space. I guess I wait.. and wait for what I am not sure

[Matilda]

Yes, what exactly are you waiting for? I think it's time to give him an ultimatum, go to counseling or move out, something like that. He is showing absolutely no consideration for your feelings, and you don't need to let that continue.

[Rightlymia]

You need to tell him to make up his mind NOW. He is just keeping you hanging on in case he changes his mind. Whatever! I am thinking you need to move on. He sounds like a weenie.

[Juggs]

Originally posted by Samson

Thought I'd voice as one of the few males on the thread (unless Jugs is one, and then this is most disturbing and in need of another thread).

 

Nope, I'm not a guy, although it's been suggested that I could pee my name in the snow if I had to on occasion...

 

I don't know... Seems like a lot of guessing going on as to where his head is at at the moment (aside from up his butt)... If I were in your shoes, I would be telling him to seek personal counseling or legal counsel. Regardless of what's going on in his head right now, it's not fair for him to expect you to just sit around and wait for him to figure it out with no clear explaination as to why he has suddenly shut you completely out. He needs to go get his sh*t together and let you in on what ever he's feeling at the moment.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[FolderWife]

Tell him that YOU DON'T CARE WHAT HE WANTS!!! If he want's space, TOUGH, he shouldn't have gotten married Tell him that he promised God to LOVE HONOR AND CHERISH YOU UNTIL DEATH!!!! Tell him to get over himself, and start acting like a husband, OR GET OUT!!!!

 

No, don't say that, because it'll make this situation worse. Things like this just make my blood boil. Why does one spouse think it's ok to make another spouse suffer for NO REASON!

[scottssl]

I think the fighting is happening cause he's in an affair or about to be. The fighting has to do with his guilt over it. He needs to relieve it by upsetting you - so he can re-assure himself that she behaves differntly then you. When you fight back it proves itself. He can't stand the guilt. Don't fall for the crud...show happiness to him - I don't wanna see anyone breakup...best thing to do is tell him NICELY to leave - http://aboutyourbreakup.com/side.html check this book out too it will help you.

[amberlee]

Thanks everyone for all of the advice and support. Unfortunately, you are all close to correct in your thoughts.

 

Back in October we had a Halloween party and in my eyes this is when the fighting started. He flirted all night with a good friend of mine at our party (and ignored me) and it seems we fought from then on as I asked him to stop emailing her and having contact with her. This "friend" of mine is 33 years old, married and has 2 children - she has no intention of leaving her husband. We have been "friends" (if you even want to call it that) for about 13 years and had been best friends for many of the years, although we kind of go back and forth sometimes. This is the third relationship that she has come into somehow and stirred trouble with. So back in Oct, I made the decision to not be as close to her anymore and I stopped hanging out with her. The problem is it appears my husband started talking to her more and became very good friends with her behind my back.

 

We have been going round and round since April 1 with him saying "I am confused, I need space, I want to leave". He has never left as of yet and many nights in the last month were spent in our bed together. Anyway, the shxt hit the fan last Sunday when I was snooping (people have been telling me to do it for weeks) and I saw he had my friends work and cell phone numbers programmed into his cell phone. He denied having contact with her and said the numbers were just there. The following day (Monday) I went to work and I went online and created an account for his cell phone so I could view his activity. (Yes, I know this is crazy behavior but call it women's intuition I guess and I feel so desperate and untrusting). I was on the mark and he has been emailing and now talking to her on a regular basis. I confronted him about it and he says she is the only one he has been confiding in about our problems and he feels he has no one else to talk to. Gee, she seems to be helping a lot since we haven't had any breakthroughs yet.

 

I am so mad because I actually made plans with her about 2 weeks ago and asked if she has spoken to my husband and she said no - she (and he) lied to my face. I feel betrayed and hurt. I really don't think anything is going on because as I said before, this is the third man she has messed with - messed with their head.

She is very good at pulling people in and then tearing them down. She always has to be the center of attention and part of the problem is when she comes to hang out her husband stays at home with the kids and she comes out alone. Anyway, I think he is being naive and stupid and she is enjoying the attention.

 

Yesterday I told my husband to stay away from her and he said that she is all he has right now and he doesn't think he can do that. He thinks she is wonderful and fun and right now his "best friend". Nice! I told him to call me and he said he can't because he is still confused and figuring things out. Therefore, I went the other route and emailed her and said enough. I told her to not accept his calls and ignore him - I also CC'd her husband. She didn't take my (very nice and non accusing email) too well but did say she would now stay out of it. Not sure if that will really happen but hopefully. If not, I am really feeling the need to give her a personal visit... I am so through with her as a friend - anyone who wants to see these emails I got, let me know. You can tell me what you think. She is a trouble maker and a home wrecker and I just don't think my husband sees this. He is being so stupid like the other ones before him.

 

Just about everyone I know now tells me to leave him since he lied to me and since he is still so confused. We went to a marriage counselor together this past Thursday (at his request, I got tired of asking) and we started the process. We didn't get too far in our session but it was a start and he agreed to keep going. I just don't know what to do. I am getting to the point where I want to leave now and I just feel he is dumb and will come around. I REALLY don't think anything is going on with them. God, I hope not! I think no and that they may be having an "emotional" affair - or just him I think... I just wish he would confide in someone else finally - his family, his good guy friends he has been blowing off - someone!! He is not talking to any of these people.

 

It is just hard because I really want to stay and try but he is so back and forth every day and this new situation (or problem) just hurts and it is taking a toll on me! I think SHE has been the stem of our problems all along!!!!!!!!! I just needed to vent. Tonight we are supposed to go on a "date" at the counselor's request. Thanks for listening again.........

[VivianLee]

Amberlee...I don't want you to get discouraged about things, especially since he is agreeing to see a counselor, that tells me he cares and wants to do something. However, try not to let your love for him and your wanting to work things out, keep you from facing any reality that might be in front of you. Just keep your eyes and ears open....and enjoy your date...try and remember what made you fall in love in the first place!!

[Katlady]

Amberlee, hope this is helpful. This is very close to what happened to my sister, except the woman was a troublemaker from by b-i-l's work. He convinced himself he was in love with this woman even though she was living with her boyfriend that she has a kid with. After a lot of tears, counseling, and ultimately moving away for a new start together (not an option for many, I know), they are doing really well. They both agreed that after 10 years together and with two kids under 6 that they had been taking each other for granted, focusing on the kids and the house chores and not giving any attention to each other. For my sis, this just meant she threw herself into activities with the kids, buying more plants and stuff like that. But for her husband, it lead him to think about straying and a flirting, attractive trouble maker was waiting. She believes him that he and the other woman never went further than a couple of lunches together (he was coming home every night) and it was mostly in his head. (He's a local truck driver and has since learned that this woman plays with lots of the drivers who deliver to her company.)

 

Good luck!

[lnichols]

Honey,

 

This is my song, so get used to it. Your friend is one of those women who likes to break up marriages just to see if they can do it. She is the one who is confusing him. She won't discourage him, rather she is feeding the fire. Tell her where to get off. Tell her husband that he is married to a hussy. Then tell your husband to s**t or get off the pot. You are the only one in this scenario who is getting screwed and NOT enjoying it. Look at it like this. You are young, there are no children, and you can make a clean break if you need to. I PROMISE that if you throw him out that she will drop him within a relatively short period of time because the challenge and fun will be gone and she will have moved off to another happily married guy.

 

Then again, your husband may not be able to see what is happening to him.

All he knows is that there is someone different (not the wife) paying attention to him and he is enjoying the thought that he might not just be another married guy in his 30's. It is an ego boost. If you can get him to recognize this, then you both can tell her off and move on. But that may be hard to do.

 

You said that she had messed with others' relationships in the past. What if you brought that to his attention. Even talked to someone else she was doing this to? My boyfriend worked for a woman several years ago who started calling the house, hanging up when I answered, finding him extra work... She started to get annoying and inappropriate, but I could not make him see what wa happening. Finally, I asked a freind of his who knew this woman to relay his similar experiences and what do you know? We both called her, told her we were blocking her number, and not to call again. She quit her job shortly thereafter and we never heard from her again.

[hurting2]

I feel your pain, sweety. I was in your position about 2 years ago. My husband and I would fight all the time. Things finally progressed to him telling me he didn't love me anymore and saying he needed space and that I would always lean on him too much. After about 3 months of us treating each other respectfully and hardly talking and me hurting so bad all I did was cry he told me he had found a job in another state that he could do from home. It was a web designer job that a company in another state needed done. He got the job and would work on it in the evenings after he go off from his regular job. A few months later he told me that a computer tech. position with the same company had became available and he was going to move to the state it was located in and come home on weekends. During the time before he went I had convinced him to go to counsling with me and we went to one session. After our first session was when he decided to take the job in the other state. I was ok with it as things were tense around our house and I thought it would give us the break we needed from each other and give him the space he thought he needed. For 2 months he came home on weekends and things were tense as ever between us and he even told me on one weekend he wanted a divorce. I had been talking to an online counsler for about 3 months about our marriage issues and problems and had already been to the doctor about my crying all the time and depression issues. I was trying really hard to make things work. I asked him to please talk to the online counsler i had been talking to and he agreed to try it. So, we went on for a few more weeks and he did contact my online counsler. I was happy and thought that meant he was trying to work things out. A few weeks went by and one evening through the week he called me and said that he had lost his job at the company in the other state. He asked me if I would let him come home and I told him yes. Well, the next evening he called me again and said he needed to tell me something. He continued to tell me he had been cheating on me with a woman from his job in this other state who had in fact gotten him the job. We talked for a long time on the phone that night and i let him come home with him promising to work on our marriage.

 

I could write all day on things that happened after that but I will Just say that we worked things out and are now very happy together. It took a lot of effort on both of our parts to get where we are today. I still have issues with him cheating on me but I am working through that. My advice to you is to sit down and talk to your man. I agree with a few other people who have posted replies to you that he has another woman. I don't want to hurt you by telling you that but you need to find out from him. Knowing will hurt you but it is the beginning of healing too. I strongly suggest counsling for the two of you. It will help you both a lot. I wish you luck and hang in there.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by JustHere

Hi Amberlee,

 

I have to say that my opinion is that he is having feelings for someone else. I went through a similar series of feelings and situation at home, with my wife, before I had the courage to tell her I had fallen in love with someone else. It isn't natural or normal to go from happy to unhappy absent an illness or death, or some major trauma.

 

If you guys had any type of relationship at all, I would recommend you set up a time when you know you'll have a couple of hours alone, and start a conversation and let him know up front that you have loved him and been honest with him, always, and that his happiness is important to you. Even if that happiness doesn't involve you. Tell him that you are certain he has developed feelings for someone else, and that you don't want to fight about it, argue or anything... you just want your friend and husband to have the courage and descency to be honest and open with you... tell him you deserve that much. If you reassure him you are not looking for a fight, don't want to lose him as a friend, but do want the truth however bad it may be, you may be able to get him to open up. Frankly, unless he has been unfaithful, is there any reason you two could not have the relationship end and still be friends? Love is not a forever deal, necessarily. It is fragile and takes effort, and the truth of the matter is that sometimes we all neglect it to the point that it loses its power, and that causes us (or allows us) to fall for someone else.

 

I guess all of this is directed at getting the truth from him, and from there you'll have a whole assortment of issues with which to deal. I truly think there is more to his problem than not being happy "all of the sudden." If you do some checking you will likely find clues. Him being honest with you is the least he owes you. But he will never do it if he feels like there will be a fight, like you'll hate him forever, etc... Although that may be the case later, to get him to open up you have to foster that belief in him. Mid life crisis is possible, but his behavior seems more like he has someone else on his mind and in his heart.

 

Like I said, I have been in his position and I can tell you that there were times I felt like I was cheating on my new love when I was with my wife. Sounds like he is going through that now.

 

By trying to get him to open up, you may get involved ealry enough to make a difference in the outcome.

 

I wish you the best, and please remember that I am just a normal guy offering my "opinion." People are so different and each set of circumstances different, that there is no way in the world anyone on this forum could tell you with any certainty why he is acting the way he is. All you can hope for are sugestions and mull over them, and maybe try some of the advice out. Most of us here have been through or are going through similar situations, which is the real value of loveshack.

 

Maintain your dignity and sanity.

 

This is a great post. I wish you'd crosspost it in the OW forum-to show that love CAN happen this way...

[jazzin7]

Amerberlee,

 

 

You don't have to take my advice, you can take it or leave it!

 

This website has really helped me if you are into that kind of thing. It is very helpful to read the testimonies on their web page. It is called restoreministries.com. Like I said if you are not into that, then that is your decision.

 

Here is something to reflect on:

 

It's flattery that pulls a man into adultery. "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword." (Proverbs 5:3-4)

 

"She wins him over by her repeated urging, with her smooth lips she leads him astray; he follows her stupidly, like an ox that is led to slaughter....." (Proverbs 7:21-22)

 

 

I am not trying to preach or anything like that. This was taken from Erin Thiele's book, from restoreministries. She states "While you were busy tearing him down, the OW (other woman) was building him up. While you were disagreeing, she was agreeing. When was the last time you praised your husband for anything? Encouraged him? Got excited about what he said? Is it any wonder he was starving for what the adulteress was serving - flattery?".

 

Another good website is Ellen Kreidman's website: lightyourfire.com

 

She states " A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he's with a woman; and when he doesn't feel good anymore he's going to find another woman that will make him feel good. That is what an affair is about. It's not that he's in Love with the other woman, what he's in love with is the way he "feels" about himself when he is with the other woman".

 

Hope all works out with you and your husband.

[lnichols]

That sounds right on the money to me!

[jnel921]

Amberlee,

 

I have to agree with most of the people here about his possible infidelity. I am talking about my own experience. I was married too and one day when I was pregant with out first child my x-husband said the same things...I was shocked and hurt but most of all because I was pregnant I wanted the marriage to work. We went to counseling and I though it ws fine. A year and half later I became pregnant again and the same feelings emerge. I suggest counseling and he tell the counselor he didnt love me. I asked him how he felt about us having children...His answer was that I didnt give him a choice to decided whether or not we should have them. I was crushed because our son was a year old at the time, I was a few months pregnant with a little girl and how could he say that!!!

 

In the end it turned out he had a lover at work. they had been carrying on a relationship for a while. She didnt even know I was pregnant. At first he was confused and didnt leave. But when it was all officially confirmed I pretty much packed up his stuff and drove it to his mothers. I never took him back after that.

 

That was 7 years ago. He never stayed with that woman. He was in and out of relationships and wanted me back. I said no. He got married last year to a really nice woman. and I go married just this March.

 

Sometimes when you are with someone for that many years you go through changes. Your goals may be different. Its important to grow together. Living like that is torture. Why keep you hanging? Its really not fair. He needs to come clean. Once he does then you can start working on you.

 

Good Luck.

[jmargel]

Amberlee,

 

You said this all started that night he was flirting with your friend. I would have to disagree with this. You are telling me everything was perfect before that? When one mate finds something lacking in their relationship and doesn't communicate effectively, then they could turn to another for advice, or to fill that gap.

 

Marriage counciling is a postive step. Also pick up & read the book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'. It is a really good book. Both of you read it. It will help out alot.

 

As for him going to another female you can't say he is having an affair or an emotional one. Before my counciling with my fiancee, she wasn't treating me the greatest. It was due to alot of stress and she felt I wasn't giving her space. We didn't find this out until the counciling. Before that I was talking to her sister-in-law who I confided in things to her about. It was because she knew my fiancee well, and she look at me with a kind heart. This got my fiancee upset down the road so I no longer do this. But, during this time I took notice to a couple of instances where her sister-in-law would flirt with me. Granted at the time we were having problems it was really nice to hear good things about you from someone, and it would make returning compliments, etc.. very easy. But my heart is with my fiancee, and it sounds like his is with you.

 

Going through counciling here are some of the things I was doing, that I read you were too, that needs to be CHANGED!

 

1) The most important thing to stop is, to stop asking him about the relationship. Stop putting pressure on him, stop giving any sort of demands.

 

2) Stop the ignoring. Give him what he misses. Which is the affection, and doing the little things that count. Remember he isn't doing this to hurt you. He is hurting himself. Couples often get into a habit of slowly stopping the little things. Such as going out to a nice place to eat, going on a date with each other. Just because you are with him 10 years doesn't mean you can't go out on a date with him. Just don't co-exist with him, share good time with him too! Do romantic things for him, do them knowing you may not get the response you want back right now, but patience is a virtue.

 

3) Learn to communicate more effectivetly! I can't strain this enough. By communicating I don't mean talking! I mean learn to 'listen' to him. When he says something and you feel defensive or disappointed, instead of telling him 'why' he shouldn't feel that way, or try to counter-act what he says, tell him you 'understand' and that you 'love him'. Tell & show him that you noticed things lacking and it's not because you lost anything for him, it's that sometimes we fail to stop & enjoy the little things at times. That you want this to change for the both of you.

 

4) When you get into an arguement you must stop and think before talking. Saying something stupid, that you regret might take you 10 steps back. Never goto bed angry, always end with a 'I love you'. If you two are upset and instead of saying something out of emotion, stop and take a 10 minute break from each other. Learn to compromise as well. A relationship is 100/100. Anything less will start contributing to problems.

 

5) When an arguement is talked about and consider over, do not ever bring it up again. If you get into arguement about something else, or you are mad at him, past issues are suppose to be left in the past. Bringing them up will just harbor more bad feelings.

 

6) Love your mate like it's the last day you'll see them. You don't know when they'll be taken away from us. You don't know when you'll be waking up alone again because they were called by someone higher than us. Never get too comfortable with someone that you end up taking them for granted. Always ask yourself, how you can be a better person for yourself and your mate.

[arfunkel#]

I have read all of the responses to the original email. Everyone gave reasonable advice, so I feel I can give some of mine. I too am going through what you are going through. My fiance of 10 years became friends with a married woman at work. A rumor floated around at the store they both worked at that they were having an affair. He came home that day at work and was totally honest in telling me about this rumor.

 

A long story short, I called this woman and said that I knew about the rumor, and I believed that nothing went on. For some strange reason, we started hanging out together. I never felt close to her, though. She said that every relationship she had with the opposite sex was ruined because the person's girlfriend would become jealous. I should have trusted my gut feeling on this!! (What a coniving Bi*@*! )

 

Well, fast forward to a year ago. My fiance and I were fighting a lot. On a particularly bad day, he said that his feelings aren't the same anymore. He loves me but cannot promise me anything. He couldn't promise me that we would be together, because of how hurt he had become in our relationship. He had not been happy for a long time, and he couldn't guarantee we would have a future together.

 

I was floored. I went into a severe depression. I cried for hours on end. I knew I had hurt him, and that I had to deal with my issues. I eventually sought counseling, and it helped to a point. I tried for a year but went on anti-depressants. I discovered a lot about myself with the therapy. (You are very lucky because your husband agreed to go.)

 

Now here is the kicker. During the time before I sought therapy, I discovered he had been talking to this woman behind my back. I went away for the weekend and discovered upon my arrival home that he had called her, and that she had also called him. I also looked at the phone bill to determine the length of this betrayal. Well, I discovered they had been conversing on days that I either was at work or at school (college). Well, I confronted him about it, and told him no more. She doesn't call his cell or our home number anymore. They do still work together, but not the same shift. He says he doesn't see her that much, and they don't talk much anymore.

 

The moral of the story is this. I didn't appreciate how much he meant and still means to me. We are still working it out after a year, and things are all right. He still won't promise me that we will be together, but he says he is happier.

 

The therapist says he thinks my fiance has commitment issues, but I am not pushing it. I thank God we are still together. I still cry sometimes, but you have to learn to take it one day at a time. Your situation did not get that way overnight, and it will take more than one night to fix it. Hang in there, because other people such as myself has and still are there.