Pregnant Wife wants to Seperate

[Cooper22]

First Off, Hello to everyone here, I stumbled upon these forums shortly after google sent here for a search i entitled "Do Separations ever work?"

 

Here is my situation, At age 20 I re-met a girl who graduated high-school with me, we weren't a very big graduating class, maybe 200 kids, so we knew of each other but weren't in the same "cliques" so we never really hung out. My friends I guess were the popular kids, and her parents running a Christian based youth center locally, led her to hang out with the people who tended to go there. A went to the center a few times, but my extracurriculars in school didn't give me much time , but I digress

 

At Community College we both connected based on the fact we had "survived" the heartache of 3+ year high school relationships failing. She had lost a ton of weight and had the confidence to go after me, the kid in high school she always wanted. We had a whirlwind first 6 months, got engaged and married a year later. That is when her Grandmother, who basically raised her (her parents constantly preoccupied by the teen center), got ill with Breast Cancer.

 

We moved away three hours from there due to my college choice, (which she knew was in stone before we got married), and came home often, but its never enough when you know you are on borrowed time with a loved one

 

I graduated school and moved home, shortly after got a job, and a decent apartment. Shortly after that her grandmother died, right around the holidays.

My wife then right before an easter family dinner blindsided me and told me she didnt love me anymore and didnt want to be together, she hated the apartment and said maybe a home would make her feel better. So I saved every penny I could and in 6 months we moved into a beautiful country home that we fixed up ourselves and all was well temporarily. Then we started struggling right around the holidays, the one year anniversary of her Grandmothers death., once again i understand that I am equally at fault in a marriage, it truly has to be 50/50 in order to work, but once again she started having an issue with us as a couple, we stopped having sex for months at a time (We are both 24 now) and we got counseling from her mother ( who has had training, and this was against my wishes, but now I am so much more open and trusting of my mother-in-law and she is helping me through this time immensely, so yes it was a horrible idea but it worked as a stop gap) and I worked hard to show her the little things again, to become more romantic and I won her back, Things were going along smoothly, she got a new job where she could make more money, our relationship was stellar, and things were great. So she decided we were ready to have a child, we discussed it thouroughly, made plans and decided we were financially stable. This was planned and we both were excited.......until the pregnancy came

 

After the first two months of sickness she started acting funny again, turning away at kisses etc.... She began hanging out exclusively with a friend from work, who is also female, I truly do not think being unfaithful is an issue with her, but the other night she said she didn't love me the same, that we had changed, and that we should separate, that she would stay exclusive to me but that I was free to explore my options, The catch is I have to move out of the house, and make all arrangements financially for her as well. I just truly am at a loss as what to do.

 

Is this her pregnancy hormones talking? she already has said she resents the child for complicating things and for taking away her freedoms and its not even born yet. Is this normal? She was the kind of girl who wore abortion kills hoodies in school but now said she would abort if the law would let her.

 

I just don't know , I have provided her financially and emotionally to the best of my ability, I work 60 hours a week to provide for her and I always want to take her out and pamper her, yet she declines.

 

This is what she claims to be the issues

 

1. She is not attracted to me anymore- which I have put on some weight but I am still 5 foot nine and only 180, a far cry from being overweight, I wear medium t shirts for goodness sake, and I am a fairly attractive guy. She claims its not that its boring or that its me, its 100% the weight, what a sweetheart

 

so I have begun managing my diet and working out at least a half hour a day, but not for her, for me and for better health for my unborn child.

 

2. We have just changed, what does that even mean? Of course we are different people than when we dated/ got married, we were 20 now only 24, guess what in another year we will be different again, thats the beauty of life isn't it? I dunno to me the vows meant something, that we didn't just give up

 

She feels that we don't have the spark anymore, and when I mention that this is normal she simply states that it shouldn't be, you shouldn't have to work

at passion in a relationship it should just be there, to which I say, find a married couple that never had to work on that area and I will walk out the door today!

 

Seriously though, we are sleeping in separate beds now and I am considering moving out to stay with my parents ( who are seriously in the dark about this)

 

What should I do?

[worldgonewrong]

This is sort of unusual. Usually, pregnancy brings out more of a 'nesting' instinct in women, not a "let's destroy the nest" reflex. (Feel free, ladies, to correct me.)

 

I'll ask the painful question: are you sure she is pregnant with your child?

This could account for why she doesn't want to be with you -- her crushing guilt!

[Owl]

Here's another question...what's the 'orientation' of her friend from work?

 

Sometimes women form bonds with other women, especially when pregnant and the hormones are flying.

 

She may not be attracted to you because of the pregnancy...or because she's attracted to someone else.

 

Or it may just be that she's no longer 'in love' with you and no longer willing to work on the relationship...that sometimes happens too.

[Chi townD]

What's disturbing to me is her saying that she'll remain exclusive to you while you explore your options....Something isn't right there...

[Cooper22]

today it has crossed my mind, but I truly think its mine,

 

we planned and plotted it out together and she was always home with me when we both weren't at work. I know that this is a possible scenario, but it seems very unlikely to me.

 

yet it would explain guilt and her actions to an extent,

 

I think a lot of it is her feeling trapped, when she first had these doubts and we thought we fixed them, one of the points she drove home was wanting to know that I would let her go if she had to, and that we could be friends if it all went to heck, I said of course I love you and I truly do, to the point where her happiness is paramount to me.

 

Now i think the kid is another link to a feeling of permanance. which terrifies her for whatever reason

[Cooper22]

her friend is straight and married and has three kids, I dunno my wife is grossed out by the thought of that, which honestly if that was the case, would at least make sense to me in a weird way , and I would be ok with her deciding that her orientation was an issue and that she needed to be who she felt she was

 

but again i can't say with %100 percent certainty, what scares me is what if this girl has guy "friends"

[coolheadal]

Turns away from your kisses, doesn't want you in the house. See that means she's found someone else and doesn't want you around. New Love (LOVER) has taken over her.

[2010_Sorry]

Turns away from your kisses, doesn't want you in the house. See that means she's found someone else and doesn't want you around. New Love (LOVER) has taken over her.

 

Coolheadal hit it on the head. Sorry, but her focus is somewhere else. Worldgonewrong is absolutely right that the pregancy usually brings the nesting, oh my gosh I love everything about you feeling about the baby's father.

 

The thing I don't know is if all of those feelings are just stronger when you're pregnant, whether that's for the baby's father or not... it always was for me.

 

Wow. My heart breaks for you. This must be so tough. She sounds definitely lost. You need to be honest with her, tell her how you feel and what you want. Do not beg, do not plead. Tell her once and then respect what she wants. If she wants you to leave, then do so and be ready to be a single/separated dad. Have an open mind and hope for her return, but don't expect it.

[Cooper22]

She most certainly is completely lost, one way or another.

 

She of course denies wanting to separate in order to branch out on her end, but like I said before wants me to, I think she is trying to get me to act out so she can justify her not wanting to be with me anymore.

 

And I am not sure about moving out still, It is my house, the loan is in my name and it is mine, I went through the buying process with no help, no Realtor, no lawyer, I completely made this myself, and I am not the one who wants space, so why should I give up my home that I have built here? If she wants space she can go get it right? I would allow her to.

 

something in me just thinks she wants everything and as much as she claims to care it just feels off, like the other day she wanted a new couch which we would purchase on credit, no big deal right, except she brought this up after she told me she wanted me to leave and to her credit is selling her soul to the devil, so sounds to me like she wants to have people/a person over and wants to impress him/her with new things right?

 

She thinks time apart will let her realize how much she does in fact rely on and love me, well I agree that it has a possibility to work, I also know that a separation is the first step to a divorce, and am not ready to give up on giving my child a life that he/she wants. This was supposed to be a monumental time for her, me and us as a married couple. instead I fear even if she does come around, I will forever not be able to remember the pregnancy fondly, and connotations of that I fear will affect my relationship with my unborn child.

 

What hurts and upsets me is I guess the feeling of betrayal, I went all in on this woman, and gave her everything, gave up the possibility of moving away from home, gave up so much, willingly and gladly, and I honestly am very happy with the lot I have drawn in life, I just don't see why she isn't

I am not trying to sound arrogant, and I know I have certain shortcomings, but I know I am an excellent husband, I just dont get it

[reboot]

My advice:

 

1. Do not move out.

2. Do not move out.

3. See above.

 

And oh yeah, there's almost certainly someone else.

[Cooper22]

ya I think moving out is a total waste, I am hoping this is just a phase, something we can work past,

 

If there is someone else, I just hope she can come clean, I can forgive and move forward with or without her, not knowing just makes it so much harder

[Mauschen]

Yes, I agree - do not move out. If she wants space, then she can move out.

 

I would take her to a doctor. If there is no one else in the picture (who knows if there is), then she may be suffering from depression, which will likely get worse after the birth of the baby. There is treatment for depression.

 

Read this: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/depressionduringpregnancy.html

 

I also recommend reading everything on the website http://www.marriagebuilders.com along with the book His Needs Her Needs.

 

It sounds like you're trying everything you can to please your wife. I would be a s kind as possible to her, but I also advise taking a step back from her so she can see what life might be like without your emotional support. I am not recommending that you ignore her needs, but rather recommending that you spend time at the gym, go out with your friends, and do other things that make you happy (or could make you happy in different circumstances). Put on a happy face and pretend that you're having a great time. You'll be more attractive to her if you are confident and happy.

 

I would not recommend exploring other options with women as your wife has requested. That is a horrible idea which will surely destroy your marriage even if your wife has given you permission. It's almost as if she wants an excuse to blame you for the demise of your marriage. Don't give her one.

 

Good luck to you. Your wife sounds like she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, and it just simply is not. Those butterflies she is searching for usually do not last in any relationship, but apparently she thinks they should. Please read the marriage builders website because a lot of the information there addresses the "I'm not in love with you" speeches and how to regain the love.

[Cooper22]

Thank you all for the replys, she still insists there is no other man/woman, and i have given her every out and ability to come clean and let her realize that consequences though not ideal would be much easier if she came clean and we could address the issue differently.

 

I have talked to her mother to talk to her about this, and have also reached out

to her maid of honor who is older and went through and navigated dicey problems in her marriage and who cares as much as i do about her happiness.

 

I am checking out the marriage builders site, and have asked her to ask her doctor about her symptoms of depression (her next appt. is monday)

and hopefully she doesn't see it as a personal attack and actually obliges. Both of these were good resources/ideas, thank you for them

 

I just don't get. She said she felt this way three months ago (right after getting pregnant) and just recently told me. Thing is she acted quite natural until about a week ago. and then she hit me with the news.

 

I just am so frustrated, I dunno if it speaks to the condition of the marriage or not, but part of me is just mad about the pregnancy getting in the way, it just muddies the water. I mean without the kid, I would move out give the separation a try and if it fell apart deal with the hearthache then, but instead the turmoil is overwhelming inside of what is right? does the kid being there make it ok for me to fell that way? If I am only choosing to stay for the kid does it mean I don't love her? does that mean its a lost cause? I dunno im just a trainwreck trying to figure it all out.

 

 

i told her i was not moving out and she said and i quote

"dont make me make you move out"

 

i replied

"how do you suppose you are going to do that?"

 

she said

"i can think of a few ways, just don't turn this ugly"

[Steen719]

Oh Oh....she is turning against you. Something is going on. I felt much as Sorry did and that is most times, the mother feels good towards the father. It is usually a good time filled with all kinds of promises, looking at baby things, getting the room ready, etc. I would say there is another man, but because she is pregnant, you cannot really discount the hormones. Hormones can make you wacky...I don't know about this wacky, though.

 

However, that being said, her comment to you about the house makes it seem as if she is getting mean and unreasonable. She wants to leave, but you would be "turning this ugly" if you wanted to stay put. You might need to protect yourself from a couple of things. Ask an attorney...you can call one for a consultation..about the house and if you should leave. If you are afraid that she will accuse you of something..hurting her or threatening you..you should get a voice activated recorder. You might want to consider really looking into whether she has someone else or not.

 

Lastly, a child is a wonderful addition to a family and you will see once your child is born that you will be glad to have he or she. Try your very best not to blame the baby for your wife's issues. I know it is hard to separate them, but the child needs and deserves your love.

 

I am very sorry for your problems; it really is a mess. Tell your parents and get some emotional support. Really, I can tell you as a parent, sometimes we are smarter than you think and can help.

[coolheadal]

ya I think moving out is a total waste, I am hoping this is just a phase, something we can work past,

 

If there is someone else, I just hope she can come clean, I can forgive and move forward with or without her, not knowing just makes it so much harder

 

 

What's going on? Does she want to be a mom or she's just doesn't like the fact how things are going? There could be so many objectives in her head she's trying to deal with? You should ask her 3 thing's!

 

1. Do you want us to raise this kid together?

2. Do you want to raise the kid on your own?

3. Do you want to have this kid with me?

 

Just come right out and say it?

 

You need to know where you stand or what you have left to stand on?

 

When you talk to her. Look straight into her face and eyes. Don't yell and scream. Be cool and nice. Even if she doesn't want to talk tell you need to know where you stand. Otherwise staying there or not? Is going to be painful enough already.

Edited July 6, 2011 by coolheadal

[Cooper22]

She wants to make it work, and wants to reconcile and find passion and excitement again with me, she has said that.

 

She wants a relationship where she wants to go out and do things with me, and says that the marriage has been awful for her, I ask her in what ways and all she said was

 

"are you effing kidding me?" and walked away, I do not honestly know what has been so hard on her, I give her my all and have bought her a home, gotten close to her family, work hard on the marriage etc...

now the bedroom is not a strong suit of ours, but that is not for lack of effort or willingness to try new things on my end, she just doesn't get turned on by me, and I think she thinks time away will suddenly help that, I'm just not sure

 

But about an hour ago we reached a breaking point I think, She wants me to man up and not be emotional or worry about this, she thinks its not a big deal, that all she wanted was for me to leave for two weeks and that I am blowing this out of proportion.

 

Two weeks of trial is ok by me I guess, I think it would be good for her to see what she is missing when I'm not there, and vice versa, though I am attentive to her needs and wants, I'm sure I take her for granted as much as she does me.

 

but like I told her, she had never presented it to me as two weeks, she just left it open, and made it clear that she saw it as a clean cut separation, where we were just wide open and free for an indefinite period of time.

 

I will give her the two weeks, stop texting her and just let her be I guess. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, i dunno. If we do seperate the house will be sold anyways as she cannot maintain it or afford it on her own like I could, and I have no desire to live there (next to her parents, old country home so there is about half mile between homes, so not suffocated by her parents at all, its actually nice, but still no need to live there if this falls through right?), so im not worried about losing it , it would be collateral damage, and we could sell it for much more than we paid for it because of all the work we put into it. we bought home for 100,000 with no floors, appliances, light fixtures and the downstairs completely unfinished, even at that level the home appraised for 106,00 and we added flooring into the home, finished the downstairs, installed new light fixtures, appliances and finished the walls and kitchen countertops, insulated the basement, added a pellet stove etc... not to mention it is in prime farm territory and has a 3500 sq ft finished concrete floor barn, so all in all it is a great property investment to say the least. we bought home in all actuality for 92,000 after we got money back with the type of loan we got, put the 8,000 into the home to total 100,000 investment, so im not worried about losing on the home itself, but i know neither one will keep it in case of divorce, that we would sell, pay off debt and call it even, works for me, im not in this for myself

 

 

 

I just hope that two weeks doesnt become three, and the new person doesnt either come into the picture or mysteriuosly emerge. but the good thing about the in-laws next door is that they love me, are mad at their daughter for doing this, are so against divorce and raising a child in a broken home, and will be nosy about who is at the house while im away.

[reboot]

She wants the separation. Let her leave. And talk to a lawyer while she's gone.

[Steen719]

so im not worried about losing on the home itself, but i know neither one will keep it in case of divorce, that we would sell, pay off debt and call it even, works for me, im not in this for myself

 

Here is my concern. If you leave, she may be able to keep the house to live in and raise your child until the child is 18 years old. Even in a no fault state like Florida, the wife/mother can keep the house to raise her children in. Call a lawyer today. What could it hurt to know what your rights are?

[GorillaTheater]

She wants the separation. Let her leave. And talk to a lawyer while she's gone.

 

This, especially the bolded part.

 

She thinks a separation is a good idea? Tell her that you're not going to stand in her way, but since she wants a separation alot more than you do, that she should be the one finding a place to stay, not you. If you leave, and she files for divorce afterwards (and don't for one second discount the possibility of this happening), there's a very good chance that the status quo will be maintained through the end of the divorce process: her with the house and custody, you with the crappy little apartment and child support payments.

 

Plan for the worst: that she will try to f*ck you over. Don't help her by f*cking yourself. This is where talking to an attorney comes in.

[Cooper22]

I am going to take this opportunity to be the man that she needs me to be,

to be strong and not a whiny man who dotes on her every move.

 

Religion and faith are extremely important to us, its obvious that she needs that in our marriage and we are failing to completely retain that level of faith and oneness in god that we had once together. this is time for me to make or break this relationship in how I show her who I can be.

 

She needs a strong man, and while I never will be a bodybuilder with washboard abs, I can be a strong leader and use this situation to show her and guide her through these rough times.

 

If she accepts that I can be strong and find a new found strength in me, then i feel it can save our marriage,

 

if she cannot ever truly accept that I can change and evolve into a better man, then she cannot ever truly find happiness, and that is not something I need to surround myself with the rest of my life.

 

the chapter will be written here in the next few days and weeks, hopefully its a turning point and it can springboard us forward, into the storybook romance she needs and desires.

 

If not then maybe our story ends here, and we will each write new ones, just sharing the same character of our child together.

 

thanks to all for your concern / advice/ shared experience/ and wisdom. I will continue to post as this is a very therapeutic release for me, please continue with advice etc..

[worldgonewrong]

The clarity of your thinking in this last post (above) is awe-inspiring.

I wish I'd had this presence of mind when my crisis began.

You've only been on here a brief time, and already some of us can learn from you. thanks.

[Cooper22]

Back when we struggled before we attempted a couples devotional with daily challenges entitled the "The Love Dare" based upon the Christian movie, Fireproof. I can say that after a few days she began ignoring her part of the dares and went on as usual, while I didn't complete the entire 40 days myself it really opened up my eyes to what unconditional love, the love a husband and wife are supposed to share really is all about.

 

It is about being there and loving her even when betrayal and hurt has occured. It is about smashing through the doors and barriers with love as your guide as opposed to trying to do it with gestures and words, only when you truly forsake yourself and give of yourself freely and with true intentions of love, can a relationship heal, anyways that is what I took from the past experience.

 

I can say that in my Christian belief that Jesus is the physical manisfestation of love, and that I need to attempt to be strong and allow her to see that with love strength can shine through in times of weakness. If I feel I truly can master that, and she still is not receptive, perhaps I am for the better.

 

Maybe two weeks apart can in fact allow me to find how to express this kind of love, I think I understand it, and now I need to show it, Maybe I need to have an existential finding myself session in order to be who she needs/ or wants me to be

 

I can forgive past indiscretions if any show, and I can allow myself to understand where she is coming from, if I succeed in that perhaps there is still hope.

 

I have only come to this conclusion from having a place to let my voice out, to not bottle in my thoughts, I only hope I haven't already suffocated the space she desires.

 

I know that this makes me look like a doormat, as it is my only concern that I will allow myself to swiftly become one. But If I can stay centered and not allow myself to become naive. maybe there is still hope.

 

please continue to read, support, provide insight and inspiration.

[Mauschen]

You can also go to youtube and watch the Marriage Builders program by [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][FONT=Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]Dr. Willard F. Harley. I think it is very helpful. Perhaps you can even get your wife to watch it.

 

I repeat, DO NOT MOVE OUT. Let her move out - maybe in with her parents for a few weeks. They live nearby and know what is going on, so tell her to go there if she wants a separation. If she chooses to go, DO NOT call her, text her, write her letters, cry in her presence, or beg for her back, etc. Act confident, happy, and healthy. If she tries to contact you, call or text her back a few hours later and do not be chatty. Say something like, "I've gotta run, talk to you later." Do not support her in any way while she is gone (i.e. if her tire is flat, do not offer to fix it). This is the only way she will know what being without you is like.

 

Before she leaves tell her that you will only accept her as your wife, and that a future friendship is not a possibility. That will show her that you are serious about being her husband and that you will not be a doormat (this might gain you some respect from her).

 

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[Chi townD]

I have to agree with another poster, get an voice activated recorder and record all conservations with her. One way to force a guy out of the house is for them to claim that they don't feel safe in the house with you and the cops will make you leave, then she'll apply (and get) and order of protection against you.

 

Usually, the reason why someone wants the other to leave is so they can continue an affair without the SO in the way. I have a feeling that maybe there isn't someone at the moment, but the second you walk out the door, she'll be on the phone talking it up with someone.

[Lucky_One]

As much as I applaud your calmness and your efforts to work on your marriage and be the sort of man that your wife might or might not need (who knows, as she doesn't know herself), I am worried about your leaving.

 

DO NOT LEAVE without talking to a lawyer. The LAST thing you want is for her to say that you have abandoned her and your child; she can use that abandonment claim against you in court.

 

Your lawyer can draft a letter saying that your leaving for two weeks is in response to her asking you to leave, and that your leaving in no shape or form should be construed as abandonment.

 

Once you cover your hindparts, then leave, if leaving is what you really feel in your heart is the best thing for you and your marriage.

 

But don't leave yourself open to having to pay for her and your child to continue to live in the marital home for the next 18 years, maintained by your hard work, and don't give a judge ammunition to simply dislike you because you "walked out" on a pregnant woman.