Pregnant Wife wants to Seperate

[Owl]

 

i told her i was not moving out and she said and i quote

"dont make me make you move out"

 

i replied

"how do you suppose you are going to do that?"

 

she said

"i can think of a few ways, just don't turn this ugly"

 

I don't care what else was said before or after this statement...after reading this, you have only one recourse of action.

 

GET A LAWYER ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can't stress that any more...if she's threatening you like this...you need to take measures to protect yourself from her RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

 

There are so many ways she could try to set you up that it's not funny. You need to take this THREAT seriously...very seriously.

 

Do NOT wait another day.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Paternity test upon birth

[Cooper22]

Things got a little more interesting about an hour ago to say the least!

 

Like I said her parents, who are so excited to become grandparents by the way. knew about the situation because I had alerted them with a very simple,

your daughter is confused and i may or may not be moving out for a few weeks, but I want you to know in no way am I walking out on her, I am being forced out. I asked them politely to let it be known I didn't need them to help me except with moral support and prayers behind the scenes.

 

So what does her mother and father do? confront her of course!

 

so after laying a Christian guilt trip (the worst kind!)on her, my wife called me

and said "you told my mother! what is your problem! Congratulations you are stuck with me now!" and insinuated that She won't be asking me to leave now, which I think overall this is a good thing.

 

Someone needed to force her to realize that she made a commitment both to me and unborn child, and that there are consequences if you try to break that commitment. So, it looks like I won't be moving out, I have got in brief contact with a lawyer who will give me a list of do's and don'ts in case it gets worse,

 

she verbally abused me pretty bad, about how I don't take care of myself

(she thinks that 185 pounds is too fat , which I am trying to lose weight started a workout routine and diet, and am excited about, not that I am a large man, I wear size 33 jeans and a medium t shirt, I just do not get it!)

how I should have worked in college instead of coasting through, ( maybe true but why worry about that now?) that we should have bought a house sooner (did I mention we are 24?) I just don't know

 

she has taken out her emotions on the death of her grandmother 100% on our marriage, she is thankful for nothing, and takes everything I provide for granted.

 

However I am thrilled to stay at the house, even with the turmoil and tension I will walk into for awhile, eventually she is either going to leave herself (which I am slightly more ok with than me leaving), realize living in misery is much worse than actually making an effort, or will dwell on her misery and make both of our lives depressing, which at that point and with the child born (and confirmed as mine) I will have an easier time deciding if it truly is what I want.

 

So basically she is being forced to make the decision ( at least in her mind) instead of allowing me the pleasure of pressing the issue. Which allows me to stay in an unhappy home, but I am thankful for a) the opportunity for me to stay and b) the opportunity to actually be able to work on the marriage, as a separation only inevitably leads to time apart.

 

I am leaving to go home for the day, if i dont respond in the morning alert the authorities! (partially kidding)

Edited July 6, 2011 by Cooper22

[2010_Sorry]

Yikes! I didn't realize you owned the home and her name is not associated to it. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MOVE OUT!

 

Be firm with her. If she needs time away, then tell her to leave. DO NOT LEAVE.

[robf1971]

Yikes! I didn't realize you owned the home and her name is not associated to it. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MOVE OUT!

 

Be firm with her. If she needs time away, then tell her to leave. DO NOT LEAVE.

 

This doubled man. Please don't leave..

[robf1971]

I am going to take this opportunity to be the man that she needs me to be,

to be strong and not a whiny man who dotes on her every move.

 

The way to show strength in your situation is by strong silent actions. Your wife has lost respect for you, you need to stand up for yourself, without respect there can be no love.

 

I don't mean being a jerk, screaming and shouting etc. I do mean lawyering up, letting her go,by that I mean "pack her stuff for her" take control, set her free. Let her go and explore the pleasures of being a single mother for herself. You fight for all your legal rights.

[Cooper22]

Last night went pretty well considering how mad she was at her parents finding out and confronting her about it. She had said that now I was stuck with her and being miserable with her, and that I would get my way and neither of us would move out, as she is unwilling to leave.

 

I explained to her that if she is that unwilling to leave the life WE have built together than how is it fair to ask me to do the same? She responded that she knew she was being selfish and she has just given up hope that I can change into who she wants to be.

 

She then went upstairs to our bedroom and laid on the bed, shortly after she had a spell of sickness from the pregnancy and called me up to get her some water, rub her back etc... I told her in no uneven terms that I would only do so if she promised to hear me out and listen to what I have to say.

 

Now my wife, she hates corny talk and when the guy seems weak or not confident, but she also does little to instill confidence in me, so that is a struggle for me to find the mental toughness to remain confident in my abilities , so i started giving her the i am willing to work on whatever but you have to willing to accept me and let me work toward becoming who you need me to be as you husband we will be ok etc. blah blah blah.

 

So she said stop being so corny, and I said fine here is how it is going to be then, I am going to be the leader of this household, I am going to work hard to make changes, if you want me to continue working hard , encouragement will of course help me, but saving the marriage is enough motivation for me.

I asked her to just let the past be that, start fresh and let me earn her and make her fall for me all over again.

 

She was exhausted so, luckily, a lot of the fight and anger had dissapated in her, she agreed and didnt say much else, just said she would let me try , that it was hard for her to let go of her view of me, and that it would be a hard long road, and what had scared her was never finding success at the end of the road, I asked her to at least wait until the child was born and our lives settled in before she made any rash judgements on the future of our marriage, and i told her that time apart would probably do us well, but that doesn't have to mean moving out and separating,

 

I told her to spend weekend nights at her friends house, etc.. if she needs space a certain day, I will honor that. She seemed pretty receptive over all and seemed to lose the steam of me moving out completely.

 

I think that she is super confused , that expectations most certainly have not met reality, but what she doesn't get is that doesn't mean reality is bad in any way shape or form, just that her preconceptions of who i was supposed to be, and what she had always pictured in life didn't come true, doesn't mean its bad.

 

And although I do not worry about my wife ever being sexually involved with another female, I do feel that she is cloistering her emoitions and nesting tendency with this friend from work, its more plutonic, but nonetheless it is an exciting new relationship that is fun and carefree, as opposed to the tied down chained in prison that marriage has become to her.

 

I honestly think pregnancy hormones have made her depressed, and to the point of breaking, she is upset what it is doing to her body and has not yet come to a happy point with actually being pregnant, even though it was a decision and topic that she brought up.

 

Like I said I am fairly certain the kid isnt mine, she wanted me gone enough to the point where she would have said as much, or even lied about that to get me to leave. Because it was a planned pregnancy, and her new friendships did not exist prior, I am pretty sure this isn't about rationalizing guilt over me not being the dad.

[worldgonewrong]

I explained to her that if she is that unwilling to leave the life WE have built together than how is it fair to ask me to do the same?

 

I should have posed (or still should!) this very same question to my wife before the separation.

[Cooper22]

or better yet, if she is unwilling to leave the life we have built together

than how is it that bad that i need to be removed?

[carhill]

Some women tend to think of themselves as this when, in reality, they're more like this.

 

Think of the heavy lifting you did to build romance and establish your life and home with her. Now you're being tasked to facilitate the moving of her throne to another realm.

 

Having been through a separation and divorce, I would opine to definitely use logic in the logistics of it, the business part of it, but fuggetabout using logic or 'fairness' in dealing with the rest of it. There's little about it that's logical or fair.

 

For the female respondents here, how many of you would choose to leave a marriage while you're pregnant? This presumes that your physical safety is not in any danger. How typical is this? In my social circle, it's unheard of. Pregnancy is a time of both celebration and vulnerability. Something about this just isn't adding up. Typical

[reboot]

For the female respondents here, how many of you would choose to leave a marriage while you're pregnant?

 

How typical is this? In my social circle, it's unheard of.

 

Something about this just isn't adding up.

 

You are exactly right.

 

Marcellus said it best: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark......

[Cooper22]

I have definetly decided that If she is going to stay at our house, ( I am not going to leave), that she needs to understand that I am going to be the leader and going to guide the relationship, the only issue is in order for her to be ok with that, she needs to respect it, and to this point she doesn't respect me as a man, so its gotta be a work in progress,

 

i need to stop doting, give her space, stay strong to my convictions, and be stern, understanding that this has nothing to do with being argumentative, mean , or confrontational

 

I think that last night was a step in the right direction, she gave in to me staying in the house, let me talk and be strong in saying things are gonna change, told her that if things dont change after the baby is here and that if I cannot hold true to working out, helping more around the house, giving her the right kind of attention and leadership, then we can revisit a separation at a later date.

 

she agreed to letting me try to change, gave me a solid time frame in which to do it, and has agreed to attempt to leave her problems with our past relationship in the past

 

its easier said than done, but nonetheless its a starting point other than

i need you to move out

[Mauschen]

Some women tend to think of themselves as this when, in reality, they're more like this.

 

Think of the heavy lifting you did to build romance and establish your life and home with her. Now you're being tasked to facilitate the moving of her throne to another realm.

 

Having been through a separation and divorce, I would opine to definitely use logic in the logistics of it, the business part of it, but fuggetabout using logic or 'fairness' in dealing with the rest of it. There's little about it that's logical or fair.

 

For the female respondents here, how many of you would choose to leave a marriage while you're pregnant? This presumes that your physical safety is not in any danger. How typical is this? In my social circle, it's unheard of. Pregnancy is a time of both celebration and vulnerability. Something about this just isn't adding up. Typical

 

Love the pictures Carhill! Haha.

 

I would never have considered leaving my ex H while I was pregnant, and our marriage was awful. But I have heard of pregnancy making a woman feel unattracted to her partner - I think it is actually fairly common.

 

Read this: http://forumhealthcare.org/were-any-of-you-not-attracted-to-your-spouse-during-pregnancy-t77477.html

[carhill]

Yeah, some temporary 'lack of attraction' or 'yelling' or 'get away from me you pig' sounds normal, as pregnancy is a huge change in a woman's body and life, but 'I want to separate'?

 

Here's my worry:

 

"the other night she said she didn't love me the same, that we had changed, and that we should separate, that she would stay exclusive to me but that I was free to explore my options, The catch is I have to move out of the house, and make all arrangements financially for her as well"

 

It all sounds so calm, unlike the typical 'throwing the frying pan at the husband' emotions of pregnancy; the wild mood swings. It sounds like a business plan.

 

Now I'm reading that the OP is stopping 'doting', 'giving her space', 'staying strong in his convictions' and being 'stern' and this seems to be 'working'.

 

I guess long gone are the days of hubby running his pregnant wife's bath and bringing her breakfast in bed and making sure she and their child-to-be feel safe and loved and her valuing that safety and love greatly. Oh, well, guess I was lucky to be born into that kind of family. Too bad those genes won't get passed along. Too 'doting'.

 

Blah...

 

OP, it sounds like you're on the right path for you. Stay engaged as long as you can, if nothing else for the sake of the child you're sure is yours.

[Owl]

Last night went pretty well considering how mad she was at her parents finding out and confronting her about it. She had said that now I was stuck with her and being miserable with her, and that I would get my way and neither of us would move out, as she is unwilling to leave.

 

Has she stated to you WHY she's unwilling to leave, but WHY she's insistent that you leave?

 

 

 

I explained to her that if she is that unwilling to leave the life WE have built together than how is it fair to ask me to do the same? She responded that she knew she was being selfish and she has just given up hope that I can change into who she wants to be.

 

What specific changes is she expecting from you? Who does she want you to be...and why?

 

She then went upstairs to our bedroom and laid on the bed, shortly after she had a spell of sickness from the pregnancy and called me up to get her some water, rub her back etc... I told her in no uneven terms that I would only do so if she promised to hear me out and listen to what I have to say.

 

Next time she does this, rather than set it as a condition, why not explain to her that if it's ok for her to be selfish and treat you this way and insist that you leave...why on Earth would she expect you to be willing to treat her so nicely when she treats you this way? Not to mention...if you moved out...who would she have to do this stuff for her?

 

Now my wife, she hates corny talk and when the guy seems weak or not confident, but she also does little to instill confidence in me, so that is a struggle for me to find the mental toughness to remain confident in my abilities , so i started giving her the i am willing to work on whatever but you have to willing to accept me and let me work toward becoming who you need me to be as you husband we will be ok etc. blah blah blah.

 

So she said stop being so corny, and I said fine here is how it is going to be then, I am going to be the leader of this household, I am going to work hard to make changes, if you want me to continue working hard , encouragement will of course help me, but saving the marriage is enough motivation for me.

I asked her to just let the past be that, start fresh and let me earn her and make her fall for me all over again.

 

So what happened in the past that she's dredgeing up?

 

Why do YOU need to earn HER???

 

Why can't she earn you?

 

And if the "corny talk" bothers her...how are you supposed to address her concerns? Have you asked her to specifically outline what it is that she's dissatisfied with, and how she would like to see that fixed?

 

 

 

I told her to spend weekend nights at her friends house, etc.. if she needs space a certain day, I will honor that. She seemed pretty receptive over all and seemed to lose the steam of me moving out completely.

 

Time apart does not foster an improvement to the relationship...on the contrary, it fuels the emotional seperation.

 

What, specifically, is it that she wants to "get away from"?

 

I think that she is super confused , that expectations most certainly have not met reality, but what she doesn't get is that doesn't mean reality is bad in any way shape or form, just that her preconceptions of who i was supposed to be, and what she had always pictured in life didn't come true, doesn't mean its bad.

 

If your wife has unrealistic expectations...it will be impossible for you to meet them. She cannot ever be happy in a relationship that she has set unrealistic goals for.

 

She either needs counseling to learn to reset those goals...or expect to live an unhappy life.

[Cooper22]

She feels that if she leaves for a few weeks, which is what she wanted, then

the house will fall apart, become delapitated, the animals won't be taken care of properly etc...

 

that is what she says anyways

 

 

 

She wants me to be man she says, to stop being complacent in my job, my home life, and relationship with her, I can attest that I have in all regards,

She wants me to be more physically appealing to work at and to actually attempt to lose weight instead of coming home, showering and watching tv, to make a conceited effort to become more physically fit, She works her tail off so she wants the same from me, I do not demand it from her, but I do enjoy the result.

 

 

I only went in because she was a breaking point on the condition of separating, I was able to remove that condition which to me sounds and feels like a death sentence, and allow her to give me the opportunity to explain how I was going to move forward to make my end better for her, and in essence give her no reason to leave or want me to leave, is she still is unhappy after the birth of our child, and i do lose weight, and become a spiritual and household leader proper in her eyes, and I can say without reserve that it is her inability to be happy and nothing left was possible on my end, then so be it, but I'll be damned to say I didn't do everything in my power, no matter how shallow or petty it seems.

 

She feels it is my actions of gaining weight, becoming dull and boring, and generally being a home-body that have caused her to fall out of love, she claims she still loves me, just not with the omg lets go make out kinda way.

 

she can't earn me because that is what she views as wrong, that she has constantly had to lead the relationship as a figurehead and I have been along for the ride, I understand that I am a provider, which is important for sure, but there is more to leading a marriage than that, and I can honestly say she wears the pants, she is a strong willed woman, and I have started to let that be ok, and she wants it to be me. She needs to respect that I am confident, that I am a strong man, and if I make her come to me again, I will be waiting a long time, instead of being depressed like I was for the week, now I have decided to break free and attempt to make her fall for me again, If it doesnt work then I will still have grown and can bring a new me into a new life or new relationships if this doesnt work

 

 

I think the pregnancy has added a layer of pressure to the relationship, which is simply not neccessary. She feels that now that she is pregnant this is her life, that she is destined to be a soccer-mom and she is scared of that I think,

 

life is what you make it, and instead of becoming another sob story on an internet forum, I am going to try to be better than an emotional trainwreck of a man that I was just days ago. If she can respect that and we can move on,

then there will be years ahead to reap the rewards, if she cannot, then at least I can say I gave my all, and she was just unwilling to reciprocate .

[Owl]

Just a thought...

 

Do you truly believe that ANYONE can meet her expectations?

 

Do you want to be the person she's insisting that you become?

 

Here's my thought...it sounds to me like she's asking for something that she's truly given no thought about.

 

A strong-willed woman doesn't want a man that they're going to fight with all the time. If she's truly strong-willed...then you suddenly 'taking charge' of everything is going to create a worse situation rather than a better one.

 

If she's expecting you to change for her...how is that you truly becoming a leader of the household?

 

Her complaints sound more philosophical rather than actual.

 

Sounds to me like she's searching for reasons to want to leave you, rather than having complaints with an actual basis to them.

 

But...the bottom line becomes...what are you going to choose to do in this situation?

 

Try to change into the person she claims that she wants?

 

Help her seek some understanding of what's REALLY bothering her?

 

I don't know what to tell you. Even if there's NOT infidelity involved here...this almost sounds like some kind of mental/emotonal issue she's dealing with. If it's related to the pregnancy, it's pretty extreme. I'd suspect that there's more wrong than just her being pregnant.

[Steen719]

IMHO, she has all of the power. You may think you do, but you are one who is changing. What is she doing to change this situation? Shouldn't it be both of you? Really, when you are trying so hard to be the person she wants you to be, what is she doing? She is looking at you and is not attracted anymore? I don't understand this. I was a little upset with my body changes, but I was so thrilled to be having a baby that those thoughts were minimal and actually gone by the time I had my baby.

 

I am not trying to be disrespectful here, but I think one thing that may be a influencing this situation is due to the strong religious element of your marriage. My b-i-l and his family are what I would call fundamentalists. He was devastated when his 17 year old d became pregnant before marriage. He said it was his fault. He also feels that he leads while his wife follows. My H just looked at me when he said this (early in our marriage) and laughed later and said..."not you, huh?" don't know...maybe I am off, here.

 

She may feel differently after she has the baby..no one here is an expert on this and none of us know the two of you personally. I do think it takes 2 people who are comfortable with their roles to make a good marriage, though, not one who is forcing themselves to be one way or another to make the other one love them. I think you can improve yourself, but I am going to love you come rain or shine if I feel that way about you....no matter what (as long as you don't cheat or beat, etc.). I hope things work out for you.

[coolheadal]

Sounds like she doesn't want to have baby with you or just doesn't know what to do right now?. You can't push too much. As for you need to think is this the person who want to be with for now on. I know from experience never get the in-laws involve in your home business. How would the deal with the fact their daughter is behaving like she does. She's adult now and not under her parents rule.

 

So she wants freedom and go out an live the fun life. Now with the baby coming it not going to be what she had wanted. Sound like to me she's not ready to be a mom well not yet. She might never be at this rate. As for you don't worry about how you look and if you gain weight and such. Right now you need to figure out what the heck to do with this wife you got!

 

This could have been me, but it's not. I found out the hard way and I loose the chance of having kids myself with this current wife never would I want to do anything with her.

 

I see you standing tall for you home it's your home so stay put in it. She could always go back to mom and dad rules of life.

[LifesontheUp]

For the female respondents here, how many of you would choose to leave a marriage while you're pregnant? This presumes that your physical safety is not in any danger. How typical is this? In my social circle, it's unheard of. Pregnancy is a time of both celebration and vulnerability. Something about this just isn't adding up. Typical

 

As a female, definitely not. I was happy setting up our home for our new arrival

 

I did go through a period whilst pregnant where I didn't want to be intimate with my OH - but I did have a difficult pregnancy to be fair.

 

From what you have posted Cooper things really arent' adding up. A lot of what she is telling you seem excuses to get you out of the way.

[coolheadal]

She wants so much, but well she return the same later done the road. I find that out with my it didn't make any difference. To much head games and the loser is always the husband the the wife. Because that's how they're playing their upper hand on us. Just have to stay one step ahead of her.

[Cooper22]

i'm not trying to or am being naive I don't think.

 

So if I work out every day, lost 10-15 pounds, what is the worst outcome of that? I have more energy and look and feel healthier/better

 

I guess I should say that I am not losing weight for her, but rather for me

I want her to look favorable to me

 

and as far as her returning the favor, physically by working hard and being healthy than yes, for sure

 

I was a star soccer player in highschool and was pretty fit, though never muscular, now I do kind of look like the pillsbury doughboy, I am not saying that her demands are not shallow or hurtful,

 

but I look at it this way

 

I can either attempt this, show sacrificial love like Jesus did and wants us to do, with really no negative drawbacks, I mean if I give my all to her and it is rejected will it hurt? yes, but so does this as it stands now. At the very worst I am a better person physically and mentally, and that sounds good to ME for ME, if she likes it great if not then maybe I can land a hottie

 

or I can try to be stern about maintaining a complacent lifestyle continue to put on weight, say that she is being unreasonable, continue to waste away emotionally, allow that stress to effect me physically and let the next few years drag out before it ends in a messier divorce, and regret that I couldn't work out 20 minutes a day, read my bible another 20 and push us to go to church and get active in some sort of local missions project.

 

If I look at it like she is out to get me, or get rid of me, albeit true or not, I will allow misery and doubt and betrayal to run and control me. I had a savior take all that for me so I don't have to,

 

or "but one thing I do, forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, I press onward toward the goal to win the prize for which god has called me"

-phillipians 3:14

 

I can become cynical, refuse to believe that she is willing to try and move forward, or i can trust and pray for the best, but prayer without action can be useless.

 

I am doing this to improve myself, and through that find confidence and respect for myself, so that she can then find it in me. that is the plan

[Steen719]

I think it is wonderful that you want to improve yourself; I just think she should love you anyway..no matter what you weigh. She could encourage you to lose weight while still being loving.

 

Best to you, really. You have to do what you have to do.

[Cooper22]

oh i agree with you there, but such is the way it is right now,

 

and obviously the problem is not all physical, and I do worry that if i lose weight and look good it will just be something else, but again, am gonna better myself so that either a) our marriage improves or b) I am a more eligible single dad

[udolipixie]

This is sort of unusual. Usually, pregnancy brings out more of a 'nesting' instinct in women, not a "let's destroy the nest" reflex. (Feel free, ladies, to correct me.)

 

I'll ask the painful question: are you sure she is pregnant with your child?

This could account for why she doesn't want to be with you -- her crushing guilt!

 

The only correction for me is that pregnancy brings a nesting instinct but who to nest with isn't always the father of the child.

 

The nesting instinct is just that- starting to build a nest.

 

Whether that nest will include the father is based on her feelings towards him & his provider status.

 

The nesting instinct is usually feelings towards the child & being a mother.

 

It's only an instinct to nest with the father if she has feelings for him or if she's just looking for a provider.

 

During pregnancy there's an odd mix of feelings for the father of the child:

disconnection or resentment because the guy isn't undergoing what they are so there's a space between them or she resents him for it.

 

#1 love if she loves him or is at least attracted to him (this woman seems not to be)

 

She wants to make it work, and wants to reconcile and find passion and excitement again with me, she has said that.

 

now the bedroom is not a strong suit of ours, but that is not for lack of effort or willingness to try new things on my end, she just doesn't get turned on by me, away.

 

I mean she even told him to sleep with other women.