Pregnant Wife wants to Seperate

[Lucky_One]

Like I said I am fairly certain the kid isnt mine, she wanted me gone enough to the point where she would have said as much, or even lied about that to get me to leave. Because it was a planned pregnancy, and her new friendships did not exist prior, I am pretty sure this isn't about rationalizing guilt over me not being the dad.

 

WHAT? You are fairly certain this child isn't yours, and you think it is a good idea for her to spend weekends out of the marital home? She might say that she is at a female friend's house, but if you think that she has a male lover, then giving her carte blanche to come and go as she pleases.

[carhill]

When the OP wrote that (the child isn't mine), I thought he made a typo and just let it go, as it didn't seem to match up with other aspects of his story. He can of course clarify that.

 

It's going to be a long summer

[Cooper22]

Yes that was a typo, i am fairly certain the kid is mine, or should I say WAS fairly certain.

 

BOMBSHELL!!!!

 

ok so we have been working on reconciliation, trying to figure out our lives, and she has conceded she wants this to work.

 

but last night we were sleeping in different rooms, she calls me in because of the heat and says I should stay with her in the air conditioned room, and I oblige because, damn it was hot outside.

 

so While we are in bed she is constantly on her phone texting, I peer over and see lots of naughty stuff, not pictures but lots of dirty talk going both ways.

 

The person listed as the textee is brandi, supposedly a person she worked with ( she has since quit her job, and I know that she was not chummy chumy with this person) So I confront her, i poke and prod and she finally admits its a guy she has feelings for. One thing led to another and she admits to an affair in March , she lied about the persons name, and some sluething today made me discover and confront her about the persons true identity.

 

It is a guy who is straight up bad news, He is a self-proclaimed Nazi, is blatantly racist, has a criminal record, does and runs drugs, and apparently my wife had a relationship with him from about last december to march, before he broke her heart, she changed her phone number and left it be. Much to my surprise she ended up improving, our relationship steadily improved until she got pregnant, and then it got worse again.

 

apparently this guy sent her a letter in the mail to her, and her mother told her to through it away, which she did not, she started talking again to this guy and thats when the turning away from kisses, asking me to move out etc... all began.

 

She says her last sexual encounter was before her period in march, and she got pregnant in april, so it is possible though unlikely the kid is not mine. And the issue does arise to her just telling a lie to get me to take responsibility, as the statements about the other kid above are legitimatly not an exaggeration, and his ability to take care of this kid would be next to none. So I am torn, I am contacting my lawyer, asking now for a paternity test on the birth of the child, and generally do not know what to do.

 

My wife is serious about fixing this, she is breaking off the relationship with this guy and is going to start counseling etc. in order to fix this. I am forgiving, but have made it clear one more outburst of behavior does mean I am making her move out, which because the house is mine I have the ability to do. If she wants to live a carefree life with sexual excitement with this "bad boy", then go ahead, just dont drag me around with you, I will not fly with that.

 

I am showing her grace, compassion, forgiveness, and humility, My trust for her is obviously almost non-existent right now, but I am ready to move forward with that knowing that she has to earn it back. All of this me earning her back stuff is obviously the other way around.

 

I can forgive the transgession, we are all human and Jesus himself said to the crowd around the adulteress woman, "he who is without sin may cast the first stone". but what kills me is the deception, the lying the making believe that she was hiding this to protect me etc...

 

Last night she lied to me about who she had an affair with and about who she was texting that night, I am not an idiot and checked out phone usage online and found out that it was this guy through that.

 

I dunno, If she wants forgiveness she can have it, but I need to feel true remorse, if she wants us to work, no longer will I feel the pressure and responsibility of being burdened to "earn her love and make her fall in love again".

 

Now I said till death do us part, and contrary to her thoughts, I am a strong man who is going to fight and strive to make this work, but I am also not going to ruin my life by letting her use me for my money, home etc... when she is off galavanting with whomever she wants.

 

Its hard when half your brain says, "my complacency and her desire to make her feel like the only girl in the world, when i didn't,. led to this behaviour and now that it is the open healing may be able to occur" vs. " that lying cheating bitch doesn't deserve me or a second chance".

 

I dunno, I understand both sides and I want to have faith that she can turn this around, I just am starting to lose faith that she can pull this together, I feel I can forgive and love her just the same, but I don't feel like it will ultimately make a difference, Its lawyer time I guess.

[Tech_E]

Don't use phrases like "I guess" or "I suppose". I know that it is BLOODY hard right now but don't.

 

First and foremost get away from her so you can think clearly and make some decisions. You DO NOT have to decide right now.

 

Take some time first, trust me you'll thank me later.

[Mauschen]

 

I dunno, If she wants forgiveness she can have it, but I need to feel true remorse, if she wants us to work, no longer will I feel the pressure and responsibility of being burdened to "earn her love and make her fall in love again".

 

 

Your post is all over the place - from saying you want to make it work to saying "it is lawyer time." That is probably because your wife has hurt you deeply and you don't know if the child she is carrying is yours. Makes perfect sense.

 

That said, you SHOULD feel the "burden" to earn her love and make her fall in love again IF you want your marriage to work. And, it shouldn't be a burden, by the way. Your wife was so wrong to have betrayed you and deceived you, but if you really want to make your marriage work, you can't place all of the "burden" on your wife even though she has been a disgrace. Sorry, but that is just the way it is.

 

I have mentioned a resource to you before, and now you really should use it. www.marriagebuilders.com and the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley - this book discusses infidelity and its causes and cures in great depth, and it talks about how to prevent future infidelity in a marriage. Please read it with your wife if you want your marriage to work.

 

I wish you all the best during this most difficult time. You are a strong man.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Mauschen
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