Beyond the light at the end of the tunnel ...

[silverplanets]

Ho everyone,

 

Long time no posts from me as I've been 200% focused on me, my life and my daughter.

 

I have checked in from time to time but will be honest and I've found it increasingly difficult to provide constructive comments as my distance from the whole experience has increased.

 

I have been aware, though, that from time to time there are people struggling with NC who are uncertain as to if there is any good to eventually come from it.

 

I don't want to spend long on this post so all I will really say is that from where I am now I :

 

a) Practically never thing of xMP

b) Have dated succesfully and met someone new and am SO much happier with them than I ever would have been with xMP ... (and yes, even the physcial side is way better)

c) Am enjoying every aspect of my life (whether it is going exactly as I wish or not)

 

Key in achieving this (imho) was:

 

a) Going ABSOLUTE NC and taking positive action to close the door

b) Getting counselling for over a year into WHY I elected to remain in someone elses drama, and keeping going until I isolated, brought to life and came to terms with long buried things within me that absolutely pre-dated all involvement with xMP

c) Avoiding ANY and ALL relationships or dating until I fixed myself and learnt to truly love and respect myself

d) Being absolutely unforgiving on myself when I find myself blame/responsibility shifting on to other parties ...

 

I now know that there is not one area of my life which is not down to my choice (conscious or unconscious) and that to not admit this is the biggest possible dis-service I could do to myself.

 

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago and yes, all those feelings and thoughts have eventually died. I replaced them with love and compassion for myself, my life and humanity. Lately I have also found that I have room to love another aswell.

 

I am so peaceful and relaxed deep in side that life is a daily pleasure and I wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

I feel whole as an individual - irrespective of who else is in my life.

 

... and that is a first for me.

 

That's probably as wise as I can be ... it's like travelling a full circle and ending up back where one started, except that one is somehow changed and fixed in side ...

 

I may look the same but deep in side there is now a person who is at ease with themselves.

 

Perhaps the only food for thought is what was stopping me achieving this before??? My answer, I was looking outside rather than inward.

 

I'm not sure if this will help anyone, but hopefully it does ...

 

Be safe and take care, whatever stage of life you are at ...

 

Chris

:- )

[MissBee]

Chris....your entire post made my heart jump and the bolded are things I have said time and again on here and am happy to find someone who feels the same and knows the JOYS of living a more fulfilled and conscious life. It is sooo refreshing and you don't quite realize how dysfunctional and/or unfulfilling your former existence was...until you have a new outlook.

 

Key in achieving this (imho) was:

 

a) Going ABSOLUTE NC and taking positive action to close the door

b) Getting counselling for over a year into WHY I elected to remain in someone elses drama, and keeping going until I isolated, brought to life and came to terms with long buried things within me that absolutely pre-dated all involvement with xMP

c) Avoiding ANY and ALL relationships or dating until I fixed myself and learnt to truly love and respect myself

d) Being absolutely unforgiving on myself when I find myself blame/responsibility shifting on to other parties ...

I now know that there is not one area of my life which is not down to my choice (conscious or unconscious) and that to not admit this is the biggest possible dis-service I could do to myself.

I am not the same person I was 2 years ago and yes, all those feelings and thoughts have eventually died. I replaced them with love and compassion for myself, my life and humanity. Lately I have also found that I have room to love another aswell.

I am so peaceful and relaxed deep in side that life is a daily pleasure and I wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

I feel whole as an individual - irrespective of who else is in my life.

 

... and that is a first for me.

 

That's probably as wise as I can be ... it's like travelling a full circle and ending up back where one started, except that one is somehow changed and fixed in side ...

I may look the same but deep in side there is now a person who is at ease with themselves.

 

Perhaps the only food for thought is what was stopping me achieving this before??? My answer, I was looking outside rather than inward.

 

I'm not sure if this will help anyone, but hopefully it does ...

 

 

Yesss! I so relate to all these things....I am especially a strong supporter of the idea that many of us have issues we do not know about that influence our decisions and until we truly expose ourselves, we may never know and continue doing things we think are of help to us, when they aren't. I also strongly believe that we are the ones in control of our lives and aren't solely at the mercy of "things jut happening" and I have found it freeing to exercise my agency and make choices every single day in line with what I want for myself....

 

That feeling of wholeness and peace is beyond priceless...I also like what you said here:

 

I replaced them with love and compassion for myself, my life and humanity. Lately I have also found that I have room to love another aswell.

 

Happy and truly content people want others to be happy. I really realized this. That the happier and more fulfilled I was within my self the more it translated into care and concern for others...the less at ease I was the more I was selfish and the more I had this scarcity mentality where I had to "hoard" attention, love, you name it, for myself.

 

I had no room to truly love another...albeit I thought I did but as I have grown I am realizing the reality of it and am happy and excited to be on that journey.

 

I am TRULY happy for you and believe each of us deserves that type of feeling and outlook.

Edited July 5, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

Words aren't enough but I am totally thrilled for you!!!!

 

(you're an inspiration)

[fooled once]

Key in achieving this (imho) was:

 

a) Going ABSOLUTE NC and taking positive action to close the door

b) Getting counselling for over a year into WHY I elected to remain in someone elses drama, and keeping going until I isolated, brought to life and came to terms with long buried things within me that absolutely pre-dated all involvement with xMP

c) Avoiding ANY and ALL relationships or dating until I fixed myself and learnt to truly love and respect myself

d) Being absolutely unforgiving on myself when I find myself blame/responsibility shifting on to other parties ...

 

I now know that there is not one area of my life which is not down to my choice (conscious or unconscious) and that to not admit this is the biggest possible dis-service I could do to myself.

 

..... I replaced them with love and compassion for myself, my life and humanity. Lately I have also found that I have room to love another aswell.

 

I am so peaceful and relaxed deep in side that life is a daily pleasure and I wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

Be safe and take care, whatever stage of life you are at ...

 

Chris

:- )

 

Hey Chris!!

 

So glad to hear from you! Wow, your post is perfect right now because there are a few posters that really needed to hear this and from yet another "survivor" of an affair.

 

I wish you continued happiness and the best of well wishes with the new someone in your life You have done so much good work on YOU and I can feel the happiness radiating from your post.

 

Thank you so much for the update and congrats on doing what was necessary to get you to where you are today! Best of luck to you!!!!

[TurningTables]

Nice post! Congrats...Thank you for the hope!

[silverplanets]

Awesome post Chris. It's good to see someone on the other side and someone (you!) willing to share the lessons that were learned to get there.

 

The bolded that you wrote about NC is so true. I've seen it here more than a few times, the OW/OM thinks the responsibility for NC means not contacting the MM/MW, while true, that's only 50% of the NC equation.

 

I'm 7 weeks into NC and my xmm has tried making contact via email. Not only did I not read, I deleted. And I can tell you, I wanted nothing more than to read/respond.

 

And what you say about taking responsibility is so true.

 

Anyway, I wont go on. Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to come back and read it often!

 

Congrats!!!!!!

 

Thanks wisernow.

 

It's the responsibility that's the tricky one ... 'cause when you open that you also have to ask yourself why?

 

eg they send you an email.

 

Accepting responsibility means having to say "that wasn't there fault, that was my doing by keeping the account open" ....

 

and then .... you have to ask yourself "Why did you keep it open?"

 

- for fun

- for validation

- for a thrill

- as a distraction for your life when it gets tough

- as a reserve plan to back you up whilst dating

 

etc, etc .... and then you have to keep asking .... "Why do you need that?"

 

- low confidence

- low self worth

 

etc, etc ... and then you have to ask "Why is that"?

 

- lack of defined self

- self limiting beliefs

 

ok, now it's hurting, .... but then you have to ask "Why is that?"

 

and ouch (in my case) you're suddenly having to re-evaluate how childhood situations left you !!!

 

And you have to do this with EVERYTHING and give yourself no excuses or places to hide.

 

When it's done, though, you're in a good place :-):-):-)

 

C

[East7]

Good to hear about the progress with your life Silver.

 

Be well my friend

[Spark1111]

great, great post Chris!

 

Without doing the heavy introspection, and we always wind up back in childhood, we cannot truly change our reactions and responses to situations and people.

 

From someone who has benifitted at various times in life from good counseling, I salute you!

 

And if counseling is something you do not want to try, the rule of 5 whys is a great way to go. Often, the answers to ourselves are liberating!

[wheelwright]

SP,

I read your post and replies with interest, as I am in a time of evolution, and it seems you have evolved to a happier place.

 

I liked some of the ways you describe that. They resonated.

 

I feel for LS and many people here (who give a sh**), I have made it clear I accept responsibility for the pain I caused H, but not for the A as a 'bad thing'.

 

Now H has moved out, I am able to deal with my own stuff from my past and from the A better.

 

Where you are sounds a good place. I am pleased for you, and you tend to put out strong and compassionate posts.

 

Part of me will never give up on the love I have for xMOM, even while I adjust to it being over. But I have moved through the pain, and it has become unconditional, and certainly without expectation.

 

The way I make sense of my future is to allow the parts of my A which were good and valid to live on, and those parts which were a losing hand to be gone.

 

No one will ever persuade me that my A was bad, except in terms of the hurt to my H, and even the ways in which I behaved out of control in love mad, I respect from myself now.

 

I kind of post this as an alternative to the idea of putting something behind you as 'wrong' and moving on. Which can be great, and seems to be the case for you.

 

But what a heartening post from you and your renewal.

[silverplanets]

SP,

I read your post and replies with interest, as I am in a time of evolution, and it seems you have evolved to a happier place.

 

I liked some of the ways you describe that. They resonated.

 

I feel for LS and many people here (who give a sh**), I have made it clear I accept responsibility for the pain I caused H, but not for the A as a 'bad thing'.

 

Now H has moved out, I am able to deal with my own stuff from my past and from the A better.

 

Where you are sounds a good place. I am pleased for you, and you tend to put out strong and compassionate posts.

 

Part of me will never give up on the love I have for xMOM, even while I adjust to it being over. But I have moved through the pain, and it has become unconditional, and certainly without expectation.

 

The way I make sense of my future is to allow the parts of my A which were good and valid to live on, and those parts which were a losing hand to be gone.

 

No one will ever persuade me that my A was bad, except in terms of the hurt to my H, and even the ways in which I behaved out of control in love mad, I respect from myself now.

 

I kind of post this as an alternative to the idea of putting something behind you as 'wrong' and moving on. Which can be great, and seems to be the case for you.

 

But what a heartening post from you and your renewal.

 

Hi ww.

 

Your reply is greatly appreciated and valued my friend. It also caused me to of re-read my post to see if it perhaps was not reading as I intended.

 

I would not like to think that my post was classifying any (or even my) affair as wrong. It was not meant to - and if it does then it kind of misses the point of my post.

 

I think if I was to choose any single message to get across it would be that ultimately one does move on (no matter what the source of the orignal attachment) ... and that if one allows oneself the time to heal properly and to come to a deeper knowing of oneself then when one does have room to consider someone new then you might well find that you are open to a new relationship on levels that are far exceeding those of your previous.

 

It's not about replacing one person with another - in fact it is not about the other person at all. For me it is about oneself, taking the time to come to peace with who one is ... and from this foundation every single aspect of life then begins to improve and takes on a depth of beauty and meaning not present before.

 

Would I change my involvment with xMP?

 

Actually, I wouldn't see any value in considering the question. I am aware of my limits, and changing the past is not one of them. What is done is done, and what got me to this point in life is what got me to this point in life.

 

I have no feelings (good or bad) to my ex and that, perhaps is another point. Eventually , it just doen't matter ... what is done is done and there is no more learning to be done from re-visting it.

 

My attention nowadays is fully on the present - and that is where I am content for it to be.

 

Be safe my friend and thank you for your post

 

Chris

:-)