Dysfunctional, much?

[Tenacity]

I apologize in advance. This is going to be long. I'm just having a bad day.

 

Anger

 

WHEN does the anger finally turn to acceptance and resolution? Or does it never? I am so TIRED of being angry! I am mad as hell at him for the lies and for destroying my entire life while he is out there sleeping next to his W in the same exact life he had before all this happened. Meanwhile, my entire life is turned upside down and I don't even know how to pick myself up and build another one. I don't even want to. I SO just want to ruin him, but to do that would be to ruin his W, and she has been hurt enough by me.

 

I know I'm going to get beat up from certain people because I am blaming him when I am the one who CHOSE to participate in this. And yes, I get that. I asked for it! I am to blame, so beat away. I am angry at myself too. I deserve to be exactly where I am. The thing is, why does he deserve to be where he is, after everything he did to me? Why is that fair?

 

What REALLY pisses me off is that he refuses to own what he did to me. Ultimately he did not care how often he hurt me; he only cared about his W's pain. He told me when we started the A that he was separated, and I believed that. He was, actually, in that he lived by himself. But, he went crawling back to his W ultimately. Not before promising to marry me, plans to be together, even finding a place together, though. But when he told her about me and she fell apart, that was the beginning of the end. He went back. (Note: I was separated when I met him, but ultimately I divorced to be with him, so I was single by this time).

 

STILL I stayed! I am so pissed at myself for this phase of it, especially. I stayed in a 'relationship' with a man who was married to another woman and was living with her. And it was a demanding 'relationship'! He would tell me once in awhile in an offhand manner that I really should find someone single, but I wanted him, and he wanted me exactly where I was at. And he would demand that I not talk to or in any way interact with other men. He accused me of having relationships with other men that we worked with, to the point of ridiculousness. None of it was ever true. He would go off the deep end if I didn't answer the phone fast enough or didn't have the right tone in a text message or if I was not home exactly when I said I was going to be and he happened to show up there or call. He would then accuse me of being with another man and berate me, and refuse to speak to me. And I would then spend the next however many hours or days apologizing (for NOTHING!), begging him to hear me and talk to me, and trying to convince him that he was wrong. I was going insane, trying to avoid these nightmarish episodes but invariably I would 'screw up' again and it would happen all over again. I simply could not be perfect enough to avoid them, and furthermore I couldn't predict what would set him off.

 

I did it knowingly, because I was so pathetically hooked and addicted to him. The things I did were disgusting, and I'm sure I will get beat up even more for it. Many times I was there while he was on the phone with his W, and I heard how easily he lied to her about where he was and what he was doing. Many times I was even in his bed when she called.

 

The longer I stayed the more my normally strong sense of self and confidence took a beating. Ever so slowly, his treatment of me turned from loving and gentle (and wow, he used to be so much that way the first couple of years, such a romantic, before the jealous beratements started), to the anger and jealous outbursts, eventually to indifference and even hostility. Phase after phase of his pulling away then ensued... where he would make the rules as to how much we could interact. In a pathetic attempt to hold onto him, I agreed with whatever limitation he implemented, yet also agreed to still be there in whatever way HE needed me to be (basically he needed me to feed his ego). There was some turnabout in that he would come back wanting more, then again put limitations on, but eventually this ran its course and he basically just pulled almost completely away -- yet he still wanted me to stay on the fringes. Just very limited communication, but when I said I wanted to just end it, stop all communication, he would get mad and say I was not being a good friend.

 

The part that really gets me is how I lost all perspective as to how I was being treated. He was very good at making me feel that I was the one with the problem. That I was too demanding and it was MY problem. That I should not be having conversations with other men or that other things I did or didn't do made HIM feel that I was cheating so it was my fault. That if I really cared, really was a 'friend', that I would not put my own conditions on it and would accept what he could give. Never was there any understanding of what I was going through, how it was affecting me, or what my needs were. Only his own.

 

Even to this day I have a really hard time convincing myself that I was not the one with the problem (other than getting involved in the first place), that his treatment of me was the problem, not that I was too demanding or not understanding enough. Will I ever really see that? Even now I can write the words here, as if it were happening to another person, but part of me still believes that it was my fault that things went so terribly. Maybe it was! I can see that in this post he comes off looking like an egotistical, selfish, lying, cheating, hypocritical, abusive jerk, but am I somehow slanting things to make him appear that way even though these are facts? I just don't know.

 

What really kills me though is that it wasn't a conscious manipulation on his part -- he in fact really believed that I was the problem and he wasn't. To this day he sees it that way.

 

OMG. If I read this post from someone else I would be so disgusted at the level of betrayal of another innocent person (his W) that I took part in, and almost as bad, the destruction of myself that I let happen. I LET it happen. I own it, and I was a willing and active participant, and it DISGUSTS me. It makes me sick. Uggh.

 

Going on three months since I have spoken to him, not counting my one slip-up (I just couldn't start counting all over again). And I am STILL in constant pain, STILL angry as hell. Will it ever stop?

[Emme]

BE ANGRY!

 

I think a lot of people on this board don't know what to do with that anger. You can either let is eat you up inside or use it as fuel for positive energy. Use this anger towards how men will not treat you in the future. Use it as reflect to always remember your worth. Your post really killed me and I just want you to know your not alone. You might think that he is living in a bed of roses... He might not be. He could be stuck in hell for the rest of his life. All I can tell you is to put yourself first. He has taken your life away from you and you have to take it back. Start by turning that anger into positive energy. :bunny:HUG:bunny:

[waytogo]

Ten, you are pretty early out. I for 1 will not beat you for what you chose. My xMM may have been nicer, but I mostly knew there was no real future. There had been a few slight insinuations but no serious discussions as it sounds you had.

 

It's been quite a while and I still have moments of discust at myself for my part in betraying an innocent like you do. It's much less frequent and less intense. It will stop being the distraction it is for you now. Sorry I can't give a timeline as everyone is different

 

IMHO, it's not the worse that we remember certain chooses of our past make us feel bad. If we thought they were great choices, we might repeat. I don't think you will repeat this.

 

From what you described of him I'm not confident of the kind of R you would have had if he followed thru with you. I can't help but wonder if his BW is on the kind of shelf, dodging false accusations as you were. Hopefully he doesn't treat her this way. The tone was set how he would treat you and it wasn't as you deserve. You did what you did, you're not doing it now and you are reflecting on it. You have plenty to feel positive about in that even if it hurts still. Hope you are feeling better than when you posted

[bentnotbroken]

I did it knowingly,

 

Here is the first clue as to why you are angry. You did everything with full knowledge of what the possible outcomes could be.

 

What REALLY pisses me off is that he refuses to own what he did to me. Ultimately he did not care how often he hurt me; he only cared about his W's pain.

 

Nawwww, he didn't give a fat rat's behind about his wife's pain, or he wouldn't have done the things you describe. So you and she are in the same boat, rowing in the same direction there.

 

The thing is, why does he deserve to be where he is, after everything he did to me? Why is that fair?

 

Secondly....Why do you think he isn't getting what he deserves? Remember you are still on the outside looking in, so you can't possible know what his true life is like with her. Just like you couldn't know what it really was like when you and he were in the A. You are guessing at best and hoping at that worst. Some how we all tend to think about what others deserve and I do believe it is part of human nature to want them to have crap for lunch when they hurt us.

 

Nothing you are saying so far implies that anything that anyone has received in this mess is fair, including his wife being married to a douche.

 

His W, and I heard how easily he lied to her about where he was and what he was doing. Many times I was even in his bed when she called

.

 

Third clue, as long as he was lying to here, all was well. You planted some seeds then, whether you knew it or not.

 

 

The part that really gets me is how I lost all perspective as to how I was being treated. He was very good at making me feel that I was the one with the problem.

 

You feel like he went home after his wife fell apart, could it be he helped her along. If you feel all this from interacting with him, what hell has he put this woman through? You aren't alone in what you believe to be mistreatment by him. Worse yet, you helped him mistreat her and yourself.

 

 

 

OMG. If I read this post from someone else I would be so disgusted at the level of betrayal of another innocent person (his W) that I took part in, and almost as bad, the destruction of myself that I let happen. I LET it happen. I own it, and I was a willing and active participant, and it DISGUSTS me. It makes me sick. Uggh

.

 

Well that is something...I guess.

 

 

Will it ever stop?

 

That's up to you.

[fooled once]

I apologize in advance. This is going to be long. I'm just having a bad day.

 

Anger

 

WHEN does the anger finally turn to acceptance and resolution? Or does it never? I am so TIRED of being angry! I am mad as hell at him for the lies and for destroying my entire life while he is out there sleeping next to his W in the same exact life he had before all this happened. Meanwhile, my entire life is turned upside down and I don't even know how to pick myself up and build another one. I don't even want to. I SO just want to ruin him, but to do that would be to ruin his W, and she has been hurt enough by me.

 

**It turns when YOU are ready. It WILL end, I promise. You will get to a point of "not giving a d@mn. Have you taken the time to write it all out, as in a letter to him which you will NOT send? You need to do this; it helps with the anger.

 

I know I'm going to get beat up from certain people because I am blaming him when I am the one who CHOSE to participate in this. And yes, I get that. I asked for it! I am to blame, so beat away. I am angry at myself too. I deserve to be exactly where I am. The thing is, why does he deserve to be where he is, after everything he did to me? Why is that fair?

 

**Honey, you are okay in blaming him. Like so many MM, they make promises they have NO intention of keeping. They aren't going to say "The sex with wife was mind blowing last night; and after wards, we mapped out our strategy to get to retirement by 55 and what we plan to do when we retire. It was so cool to get this all worked out." Sweetie, it is okay to be angry and blame him. You were LIED to and encouraged to "hang on". I want you to stop beating yourself up. You cannot let go of him and "it" if you still carry all the anger and resentment. Be pissed things didn't work out; rage and get it out. WRITE IT OUT. You do NOT deserve to be right where you are and damn it, stop stop stop doing that to yourself.

 

You may not be seeing that he is going to get what he deserves; but he will. I promise. He isn't all that happy at home. He will find another OW to play with. He will realize that all the ego boosting you did for him he isn't going to get from his wife or from another OW. I know you want to see it play out and watch it happen, but it is for the best that you aren't.

What REALLY pisses me off is that he refuses to own what he did to me. Ultimately he did not care how often he hurt me; he only cared about his W's pain. He told me when we started the A that he was separated, and I believed that. He was, actually, in that he lived by himself. But, he went crawling back to his W ultimately. Not before promising to marry me, plans to be together, even finding a place together, though. But when he told her about me and she fell apart, that was the beginning of the end. He went back. (Note: I was separated when I met him, but ultimately I divorced to be with him, so I was single by this time).

 

** He is NEVER going to own what he did. You will have to accept that. He will NEVER admit to leading you on, lying to you, being a first class jack *ss. He truly only cared about HIM; and in how HE feels and ensuring HE doesn't get his butt thrown out at home. It honestly isn't about you nor about caring that you are hurting. Hell, he knew from day one he was hurting you, and he didn't care. he is using his wife as a crutch, as an excuse. He is a self self centered jerk.

 

STILL I stayed! I am so pissed at myself for this phase of it, especially. I stayed in a 'relationship' with a man who was married to another woman and was living with her. And it was a demanding 'relationship'! He would tell me once in awhile in an offhand manner that I really should find someone single, but I wanted him, and he wanted me exactly where I was at. And he would demand that I not talk to or in any way interact with other men. He accused me of having relationships with other men that we worked with, to the point of ridiculousness. None of it was ever true. He would go off the deep end if I didn't answer the phone fast enough or didn't have the right tone in a text message or if I was not home exactly when I said I was going to be and he happened to show up there or call. He would then accuse me of being with another man and berate me, and refuse to speak to me. And I would then spend the next however many hours or days apologizing (for NOTHING!), begging him to hear me and talk to me, and trying to convince him that he was wrong. I was going insane, trying to avoid these nightmarish episodes but invariably I would 'screw up' again and it would happen all over again. I simply could not be perfect enough to avoid them, and furthermore I couldn't predict what would set him off.

 

**He didn't want you finding anyone else He wanted you to be his trophy; his ego boost. He saw the kind hearted woman you are and he knew as soon as you let him go, you would be immersed with someone else. He didn't want you happy - he wanted you waiting on him. He wanted to control you and he did. He wanted to manipulate you and he did. Shame on him.

 

I did it knowingly, because I was so pathetically hooked and addicted to him. The things I did were disgusting, and I'm sure I will get beat up even more for it. Many times I was there while he was on the phone with his W, and I heard how easily he lied to her about where he was and what he was doing. Many times I was even in his bed when she called.

 

**You felt you were in love with him. You were ending a marriage where you were not getting what he was giving you. And yep, it probably was a little exciting for you. When someone out of the blue starts giving you attention, making you feel sexy, womanly and as if you tooted roses out of your rear, it is hard to not get wrapped up in that. You trusted and ultimately that is what is hurting you. You took a chance, you believed this lying jerk and you had hopes and dreams. YOU didn't set out to screw a MM. You went into this when he was separated. It reminds me so much of when *I* was in your same situation - dating a separated man who returned home. I know the anguish you went through at times, I know how hurt you have been.

 

The longer I stayed the more my normally strong sense of self and confidence took a beating. Ever so slowly, his treatment of me turned from loving and gentle (and wow, he used to be so much that way the first couple of years, such a romantic, before the jealous beratements started), to the anger and jealous outbursts, eventually to indifference and even hostility. Phase after phase of his pulling away then ensued... where he would make the rules as to how much we could interact. In a pathetic attempt to hold onto him, I agreed with whatever limitation he implemented, yet also agreed to still be there in whatever way HE needed me to be (basically he needed me to feed his ego). There was some turnabout in that he would come back wanting more, then again put limitations on, but eventually this ran its course and he basically just pulled almost completely away -- yet he still wanted me to stay on the fringes. Just very limited communication, but when I said I wanted to just end it, stop all communication, he would get mad and say I was not being a good friend.

 

**He showed his true colors. The 'honeymoon' had ended. Thank GOODNESS he showed you the true *ss he is. Thank GOODNESS you decided to RUN from him. You trusted and believed in someone who wasn't worthy of your trust nor your love.

 

The part that really gets me is how I lost all perspective as to how I was being treated. He was very good at making me feel that I was the one with the problem. That I was too demanding and it was MY problem. That I should not be having conversations with other men or that other things I did or didn't do made HIM feel that I was cheating so it was my fault. That if I really cared, really was a 'friend', that I would not put my own conditions on it and would accept what he could give. Never was there any understanding of what I was going through, how it was affecting me, or what my needs were. Only his own.

 

**Many OW don't see how they allow themselves to degrade themselves. Many don't want to see it. Many want to believe the MM truly loves them and just treats them like crap because he is so stressed at home

 

Even to this day I have a really hard time convincing myself that I was not the one with the problem (other than getting involved in the first place), that his treatment of me was the problem, not that I was too demanding or not understanding enough. Will I ever really see that? Even now I can write the words here, as if it were happening to another person, but part of me still believes that it was my fault that things went so terribly. Maybe it was! I can see that in this post he comes off looking like an egotistical, selfish, lying, cheating, hypocritical, abusive jerk, but am I somehow slanting things to make him appear that way even though these are facts? I just don't know.

 

**YOU WERE NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM! I want you to write this 100 times. You didn't deserve the treatment or the lies or the manipulation or the disrespect. It was NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU TRUSTED HIM. That is the only 'mistake' you made. But ya know what, I bet you my salary you learned from this Correct? Will you ever, ever allow yourself to be in this situation again??

 

What really kills me though is that it wasn't a conscious manipulation on his part -- he in fact really believed that I was the problem and he wasn't. To this day he sees it that way.

 

**Yes it was conscious manipulation on his part. Stop thinking it wasn't. IT WAS. He knew what he was doing. He knew he was at home with his wife, playing loving husband and then sneaking off to be with you playing loving boyfriend He knew exactly what he was doing. Do not ever doubt that.

 

OMG. If I read this post from someone else I would be so disgusted at the level of betrayal of another innocent person (his W) that I took part in, and almost as bad, the destruction of myself that I let happen. I LET it happen. I own it, and I was a willing and active participant, and it DISGUSTS me. It makes me sick. Uggh.

 

**Hey. You messed up. YOU have OWNED it. Now, you have to start to heal. YOU must let it go. YOU must put it behind you. YOU must move forward with your life and moving forward means leaving him and his lies and betrayal in the past. I think many of us former OW are disgusted by what we allowed to happen in our lives. I went through this too. How could I be soo stupid? How did I not see what a selfish b*stard he was? How could I let myself sink that low? Know what, beating myself up wasn't going to heal me. I couldn't just hide under a rock. I had a young child to raise and I am so damn glad he never figured out I was an OW. I am so glad he has no big memories of all that. I couldn't image his disappointment in me if he knew I was with someone's husband and had no shame in it. I was so ashamed of myself. But now I take it as a costly (emotionally) mistake and yet it taught me a ton about myself. I had ended an abusive marriage (physically) and then was in this emotionally abusive h*ll and I had a lot of 'growing' to do and I honestly never, ever ever expected to love again or find someone as great as my H. I don't think because we participated in this crappy affairs that it means we are destined to be miserable the rest of our lives. Sure, if we allow ourselves to wallow in pity we will be. I chose to break free of that and stop beating myself up. Now, I want you to do that!

 

Going on three months since I have spoken to him, not counting my one slip-up (I just couldn't start counting all over again). And I am STILL in constant pain, STILL angry as hell. Will it ever stop?

 

My responses in bold above. You WILL get through the pain. You have to work on letting it go and I really think writing it all out - in a never to be sent letter to him will help you immensely. Heck, write a letter every day if that is what it takes, but release the hold he still has on you.

 

And please my friend, be KIND to yourself. FORGIVE yourself. Call it a lesson learned and move forward, not backward and do not continue to spin in a circle.

 

I wish you well!!

 

p.s. Yes, it WILL stop...when you have let it go. ((hugs))

[TurningTables]

All I have to say is:

 

Hugs Hugs Hugs :bunny:

 

 

Things will get better. They have to! Did you read what silverplanet wrote? Go read it! Posts like that give hope to everyone that life goes on. And dont beat yourself up. You made a mistake and you are human. It shows that you have a great capacity to love and someday, you are going to be strong again and ready for that great person that is coming only for you.

[PhoenixRise]

Tenacity

 

Blameshifting and gaslighting are crazy making no matter who it is directed at no matter if you are the BS or the OW.

 

Yes you are responsible for your own choices, but it seems to me that you were well and truly gaslit by a master. Gaslighting involves a lot more than simple lying, It is completely altering another person's sense of reality.

 

Look for the movie Gaslight starring Ingrid Bergman. Watch how a manipulative man first romanced and then nearly destroyed what had been confident young woman. Watch how he made her believe things that clearly weren't true, made her take the blame and apologize for things she hadn't done, and eventually got her to doubt her own perceptions and sanity.

 

Yes the movie is fiction but I will bet you'll see elements of yourself and your MM there.

 

You will start to heal when you learn to trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. YES all the crazy messed up stuff he did was crazy and messed up. Don't doubt it. Trust what you know and don't let anything make you think there is something that you could have done to make it any better.

[janden]

At just past the 3 month NC mark, I am wondering when the real anger will set in too. I've had real fantasies about blowing up his entire life in my fleeting moments of anger, but that is just replaced by defeat and self-blame. Mine never made me any promises of happily-ever-after, but I was clearly mislead about the state of his M and what our R meant to him. And he was brutally cruel and vicious at the end, which is what ultimately tore me down, and I can't seem to pick myself up very well either.

 

This has been a particularly bad few days for me too as I have heard he is off playing nice with W on a family vacation - which sickens me and I am still struggling just to get through each day. How did he cause all this destruction and his life not miss a beat?

 

I think we are still giving too much of our power away by obsessing about why they did or didn't do x, y or z. And what they are thinking, doing, planning now without us in their lives. And did they even remotely care for us - even just a shred? We want answers. We deserve answers. But it is unlikely we will get them - and would they be truthful anyway.

 

It seems the only (lasting) real anger I can muster myself these days is for myself because of my sheer stupidity and disregard for myself and others. We need to stop beating ourselves up. We've owned our parts in this. It sounds so much easier than it really is, I know.

[chalkfarm]

Well, my opinion regarding anger is a little different. I see nothing wrong with wallowing in fury as long as it is directed outward and preferably in his direction not inward.

 

I've mentioned this before but I will tell the tale again - when XMM went back home, I wanted him dead. Every night during the evening news when a deadly car crash was covered, I sat up hoping it was him. Motorcycle crash. Him. Boating tragedy. Him. Drive-by shooting. Him.

 

I have murdered him in my fantasies a million times over. I started with a knife but after a while realized that I don't have the upper body strength to do an efficient job. So I switched to an ice-pick. Much easier for the female body but it takes too many strikes to get the job done. Then I moved on to a gigantic kitchen dicer. With the clear plastic cover over his head, I would smash, smash, smash (or should I say dice, dice, dice) his skull into neat chunks.

 

During my weapon shifts, my passion for murder diminished. The time spent killing him and hoping for his demise lessened. My laser sharp anger wasn't as focused. And while my anger toward him ebbed, my anger toward my myself did also! What shifted? What really changed? Nothing. Some time passed. That's all.

 

Of course, the magic question is "how long?" "How long will I feel consumed?" I don't know. For me, it comes and goes. Likely, it will be the same for you. But it gets better! The rage lessens. The fury abates. Life goes forward.

 

You will be whole again Ms. Tenacity. We both will be whole again.

[chalkfarm]

P.S. You can "own" your part in the A and still be freaking furious! My shrink says "He did wrong by you. There is no denying that."

[spice4life]

Tenacity, I'm right there with you. I am ANGRY and I'm so glad that I finally am!!! I held it in way too long and I'm glad that I am finally venting, asking and having all of the same feelings as you. It is such a relief to finally say, "WTF?!...you POS! You put me through hell and back!!!" Stay angry tenacity, for as long as you need to and feel everything that goes along with it. You are ALLOWED to feel the way you do and it doesn't matter what the situation is and what part you played in it...he manipulated, gaslighted and totally disrespected you and you have every right to feel this way. Don't for one moment feel bad for being angry. It's completely normal! I feel like I am finally releasing the toxic crap that I was holding inside due to this situation.

 

Keep venting and let it all out. It means that you are finally on your way and before you know it, this will all be behind you. I completely know how you feel and now I am starting to see the hurt I caused an innocent person...his wife.

[Tenacity]

Yes, it will stop just as soon as when you want it to stop, but not before.

 

Wow, now why did I not think of that? (smacking hand on forehead)

 

I should have just gone over to my big red STOP button and pushed it! Then everything would just switch off like a lamp. I totally forgot about my STOP button! Too bad everyone doesn't have one; there would be no need for therapy or counselors!

 

I have not spoken to this man, except for one blip in the radar, for almost 3 months. Apparently you missed that part. If I could just switch this anger and pain off, don't you think I would do that?

 

tregor, you replied twice to my thread and neither response was helpful. I've gone back and read your other posts and some are disgusting and crass; others are downright rude and confrontational. Clearly you have bigger issues than anyone here can possibly help with. But I cannot deal with a rude person right now. Please just avoid replying to my threads, and I will avoid replying in any way to you. Thank you.

[Tenacity]

To the OTHERS, thanks so much for your replies. bentnotbroken, you beat me up, but I deserved it.

 

Your posts helped more than you know.

[chalkfarm]

Wow, now why did I not think of that? (smacking hand on forehead)

 

I should have just gone over to my big red STOP button and pushed it! Then everything would just switch off like a lamp. I totally forgot about my STOP button! Too bad everyone doesn't have one; there would be no need for therapy or counselors!

 

I have not spoken to this man, except for one blip in the radar, for almost 3 months. Apparently you missed that part. If I could just switch this anger and pain off, don't you think I would do that?

 

tregor, you replied twice to my thread and neither response was helpful. I've gone back and read your other posts and some are disgusting and crass; others are downright rude and confrontational. Clearly you have bigger issues than anyone here can possibly help with. But I cannot deal with a rude person right now. Please just avoid replying to my threads, and I will avoid replying in any way to you. Thank you.

Telling another to "get over it" is the easiest and most deluded response. And to top it off, it is dismissive. All unacceptable when a person is hurting.

 

Tenacity, I was thinking about you this afternoon and wondering how closely your situation fits into "brainwashing". I'm not trying to be dramatic here but the mental and emotional cruelty of this man looks a lot like "thought control". This includes but is not limited to -

 

1. Assault on identity
   
2. Guilt
   
3. Self-betrayal
   
4. Breaking point
   
5. Leniency
   

There is an article here http://http://people.howstuffworks.com/brainwashing1.htm. There is also a section on "salvation". I haven't really read through either but I am quite interested as we XOW suffer a traumatic breakdown of "self" that is generally an aberrant response in light of our other past "normal" relationships.

 

Also, another answer to your question "how long will it take" - feeling better happens in tiny increments. You remember when you were a child and your mother would chart your growth in pencil marks on the door frame? You would measure one day and measure again in 6 months. Low and behold! You were 1/4" taller! In another 6 months, an entire 1/2"! You didn't see it happening but there was the proof, right there in your mother's handwriting. That's what the healing is like. You can't really see it but it is quietly happening inside.

 

Hope today was better than yesterday! Hugs to you!

[LilyBart]

I've mentioned this before but I will tell the tale again - when XMM went back home, I wanted him dead. Every night during the evening news when a deadly car crash was covered, I sat up hoping it was him. Motorcycle crash. Him. Boating tragedy. Him. Drive-by shooting. Him.

 

I have murdered him in my fantasies a million times over. I started with a knife but after a while realized that I don't have the upper body strength to do an efficient job. So I switched to an ice-pick. Much easier for the female body but it takes too many strikes to get the job done. Then I moved on to a gigantic kitchen dicer. With the clear plastic cover over his head, I would smash, smash, smash (or should I say dice, dice, dice) his skull into neat chunks.

 

During my weapon shifts, my passion for murder diminished. The time spent killing him and hoping for his demise lessened. My laser sharp anger wasn't as focused. And while my anger toward him ebbed, my anger toward my myself did also! What shifted? What really changed? Nothing. Some time passed. That's all.

 

I know this isn't a laughing matter but this is the Best. Post. Ever. I cracked up!

[bentnotbroken]

To the OTHERS, thanks so much for your replies. bentnotbroken, you beat me up, but I deserved it.

 

Your posts helped more than you know.

There was no intent to beat you up. I just write what I see. It is simple standing on the outside looking in, but it is also simple(not necessarily easy, but simple) to move forward if you really want to. If you don't like the view of the azz from the back of the pack, get out from behind the azz. Or something to that effect. I had a tooth removed today.

[Gentlegirl]

Hello Tenacity,

 

Xmm met me when my husband of 33 years had just died. My entire world as I knew it had caved in.

 

Xmm seemed to sense everything I craved and missed. Everything he said held subtle messages... it amounted to emotional abuse by brainwashing as far as I'm concerned. The messages sank into my head and gradually I began to believe many things that simply were never true.

 

I also heard him lying easliy to his wife.

 

Who really knows men like these? I don't think they can even admit to themselves how destructive they are. Or do they know? Myabe they don't care as long as their desires are fulfilled.

 

This man was a pillar of society with 3 kids and 3 grandsons. I didn't know him before now so he could have put his wife through a lifet ime of hell for all I know.

 

I take full responsiblity for my part in the A (just before somebody tears me to bits for playing "vicitm") I am just saying that after being with my husband for so long, I was totally unprepared for the scum bags of the world. Think I met the daddy of them all and now I am prepared.

 

HIndsight is a wonderful thing as long as it teaches us as we reflect on

the past.

 

In the meantime, your pain is still raw. 3 months NC is just a blink. I am 7 months now. Things are starting to look a whole lot better. I no longer have the fanatsies about ripping him apart with my fingernails... espsecially certain parts of his anatomy.

 

I live each day by savouring small things and pleasures. In my three years of madness during the A I lost sight of many things as you do.

 

PLease know that you will get through this. Time drags but it will pass. One day , you will wake up and realise the sun is shining and you are looking forward to the day. It's true!!!!!!

 

All my best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl.

[Heart On]

What REALLY pisses me off is that he refuses to own what he did to me.

 

Yeah...I hear that.They rarely if EVER do own that they used us and left us hanging.I never understood his rationale of cheating being OK,but being honest and leaving not being ok.

That's just how warped they can be and it points to how easily they can compartmentalize,deny and rationalize thier lives into neat little dysfunctional boxes.

 

Listen,they figure,we knew they were married,(just as they knew we were married and willing to change our lives for them)and whatever choices we made in our lives had nothing to do with them.They simply played us like fiddles to get thier voids filled and we should never have trusted them.

 

I left my marriage after listening for 2 years to him tell me how much we would make a GREAT couple and how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I took a LEAP OF FAITH,left my xH and landed flat on my face,answering for myself while I boosted his ego and watched him saunter home as though he had done NOTHING at all to me.

I made choices over a lying, manipulative MM too and in the end,

my honesty and trust was the nail in my coffin.

His lies are what preserve his marriage and image.

 

At least we were honest in our lives.What do they have that's legitimate?

 

NOTHING.It's all based in lies.

 

He actually thanked me for not destroying him as he KNEW he had it coming but would NEVER throw himself at her mercy and risk losing his image!

 

You do have some recourse.

 

You could out his sorry a$$ and hope his wife isn't as Betrayal Bonded

to him as you have been once she hears the truth from YOU.

 

Love addiction to a Narcissist is all too common in these relationships.Don't feel too badly though as I have yet to read a situation here that didn't display huge amounts of codependant behaviors in them.

 

This was the only thing that helped me understand WHY and HOW I could stay and love and protect a man like him.

 

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

 

Oh...and as for your xMM....does any of this sound familiar?

 

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html

 

Fit my xMM to a tee....Be DAMN GLAD he puss*ed out!

 

And feel sorry for his wife...or better yet....give her some fair warning?

 

I wish I had never listened to him or took the fall all alone for him.

 

I was sincere...he was a Con.

 

He should have paid for it all....instead..I did.

 

And to this day.............I could truly hurt him.

 

Problem being,if I hurt him,I would hurt his innocent bystanders.

 

Catch-22.

Edited July 7, 2011 by Heart On

[TurboGirl]

Hold onto the Anger, it will keep you from going back.

 

However... please don't beat yourself up. Own up to your part...forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and move on (yeah, yeah, I know. it will take some time!)

 

This jackazz is NOT your friend, never was your friend. He is a user & abuser. He saw something in you - an openness, a vulnerability, and took advantage. Charmed you... and for whatever reason, you fell for it. This was a learning experience for you, albeit a very painful one. This situation has taken your self esteem and trashed it, and you will have to work hard (and time does help) to get it back.

 

Please do not contact him, threaten him, do anything evil (although I know you want to, because I sure did! I wanted to send the wife the cards that my xMM gave me... but it wouldn't matter, because she wouldn't kick him out... learned that after the first D-Day. He has a hall pass as long as she gets to live in her $1.5mil house & shop) Don't worry about the wife, and how "you" hurt her. Not your problem, that is his problem. Worry about yourself and getting better and healing.

[Tenacity]

Wow chalkfarm, GentleGirl, Heart On... I can't believe what you have been through and come out on strong and on top. You are truly inspirational. You give me strength too. Thank you for being here to share your wisdom and for taking the time to do so with me. I hope I will get to your place one day.

 

Heart On and chalkfarm, I checked out those links today. There is no doubt in my mind that this man has narcissistic personality disorder. And the betrayal bond post was difficult to read, but really resonated. It helps to understand what really happened. Brainwashing, gaslighting... it's all so hard to think about.

[Tenacity]

You are right, TurboGirl. I am not going to do anything to call him out, however much I want to. Right now I dream of things I can do to certain of his body parts (and NOT in the same way I used to dream about it! )

[heartbreaker]

Stay angry if you must but don't let it ruin you. Sometimes getting angry is healthy it helps you deal with the pain better but make sure you get over the anger and the pain and start anew.. believe that life can be better.

[Gentlegirl]

Ten,

 

2 weeks after xMM was finally out of my life, he was crawling around a dating site on the net.

 

A friend of mine goes there and she recognised his pic and profile.

 

He actually tried to pick her up, not knowing she is my friend.

 

THAT'S how much he suffered and missed me!

 

Gentlegirl

[Heart On]

Wow chalkfarm, GentleGirl, Heart On... I can't believe what you have been through and come out on strong and on top. You are truly inspirational. You give me strength too. Thank you for being here to share your wisdom and for taking the time to do so with me. I hope I will get to your place one day.

 

Heart On and chalkfarm, I checked out those links today. There is no doubt in my mind that this man has narcissistic personality disorder. And the betrayal bond post was difficult to read, but really resonated. It helps to understand what really happened. Brainwashing, gaslighting... it's all so hard to think about.

 

Knowledge is power is all I know.Wish I had known BEFORE I had met him,but I don't think I could imagine in my wildest nightmares that people like this wander around building up and destroying others lives.

 

Just rest assured,thier lives are not happy,or real, as they can't feel love,care or compassion even if they feel little or no pain or remorse or responsibility for the damage they do,every road has it's turn!~

 

Success is the BEST revenge.....

 

Keep your head UP!

 

And find a man without so many issues

he just can't/won't be anything but toxic to your life.

 

I have...and it's a MAJOR difference.

[SBC]

 

I left my marriage after listening for 2 years to him tell me how much we would make a GREAT couple and how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I took a LEAP OF FAITH,left my xH and landed flat on my face,answering for myself while I boosted his ego and watched him saunter home as though he had done NOTHING at all to me.

 

 

Catch-22.

 

Hi, I am new here. My first post was sincere but I guess it violated rules and was removed. Please know that my question here is sincere.

 

I am a big believer in that everything in life happens for a reason. And maybe the reason your MM was sent into your life was so you would find the courage to leave your M and start a new direction in life. Is it at all possible that the real reason that your MM was sent into your life was that you were supposed to leave your H--and not for the purpose of ending up with the MM at all, but for the ultimate purpose finding some new direction without either of them?

 

I was the OW and he would not leave. MM and I met near the end of a 10 year long marriage for me and I was at first convinced that he was my next H. I was angry initially when he would not leave, but now that I have come to see that MM's appearance in my life was not so we would be together forever, but to lead me to that place where the real next stage of my life would begin. Once I realized this, my anger dissolved and I was able to move on with my life easily.