Breakup/rebound trend.

[krifle04]

I've started to notice a trend after reading many stories and posts and wanted to know what yall thought.

 

It seems those who jump into a new relationship immediately post-break up are the ones who come back admitting they made a mistake, and regretting it all, as they have had no time to patch up the wounds of the previous relationship.

 

Those who leave you and take the time to heal on their own (as they should) don't seem to regret their decisions later on, as they have given themselves time to heal as well as the one they hurt.

 

This is subjective of course, but seems to be a trend.

 

What do you think?

[stray]

I definitely think it's a trend. I know that whenever I have rebounded in the past, and then it didn't work out, I would just go right back to mourning the ex again (and sometimes the rebound guy - at the same time!). So for sure, if you're not over someone, dating someone else won't "get you over them". But if your ex is rebounding, really, you shouldn't pine for someone like that anyway. It just shows they'd rather have someone, ANYONE, than having to be responsible for their mental state, confusion, decisions, etc. A good man/woman doesn't need to rebound right away, and in fact, should not even want to.

[thelovingkind]

Unfortunately when people break up with us they can move on pretty quickly, because they've pretty much packed up their emotions and got them waiting in the car with the ignition running when they say "Hey, by the way honey, you're dumped". Meanwhile, we've still got everything strewn around the house, thinking we were going to be there for a while.

 

That's when the danger of rebound happens. We see the ex driving off into the distance and think "Frak! I'm such a loser here on my own. I gotta catch up!" and so we hash everything together and take off with the first person to walk past. So you get out of there quickly but you end up returning later to get things you forgot and have a look through old photo albums and stuff.

 

So better to let them drive off, take your time slowly packing up the house of memories, and then when you finally lock up and leave you'll be ready to go for good

[wilsonx]

there was a good post yesterday and I cant remember what forum it was on but a lot of the time, your ex checks out months before the relationship is actually over. You just aren't paying attention to it.

 

When you see this happening in a relationship, you need to check out immediately or you get into the panicked oh crap im about to be alone stage when it ends.

 

human nature dictates that when someone pulls away, we try harder to bring them back and it eventually puts us to where we are today. Posting on these forums saying omg wtf just happened. Hey I did it this time because I did not see my ex check out at all. I just caught her cheating, wanting to long term relationship and the lust.

 

The saying goes, if he/she comes in closer, pull her in. if he/she pulls away, let him/her go.

[TheHurtProcess]

I've started to notice a trend after reading many stories and posts and wanted to know what yall thought.

 

It seems those who jump into a new relationship immediately post-break up are the ones who come back admitting they made a mistake, and regretting it all, as they have had no time to patch up the wounds of the previous relationship.

 

Those who leave you and take the time to heal on their own (as they should) don't seem to regret their decisions later on, as they have given themselves time to heal as well as the one they hurt.

 

This is subjective of course, but seems to be a trend.

 

What do you think?

 

In a way, yes you are correct. However, it's not just those who jump into rebound relationships who tend to return. It's also those who jump out of a relationship to go a fulfill other aspects of life that they believe they are lacking in. I've seen others who simply give up to go out and party, drink or find another means of escaping reality who eventually return. It's just about anyone who leaves to find other self destructive methods of refilling that void left by you immediately after the breakup. Whether it be another boyfriend/girlfriend, alcohol and/or drugs and so on.

 

It's almost as if they eventually realize that nothing can possibly fill that void and you have to naturally let it heal rather than simply replacing your ex with another person or substance and that you can't possibly replace anyone. You have to let them go naturally in order to move on naturally. Sort of like we've been forced to do at this point.

 

I've also noticed that a lot of it has to do with how the breakup happened, how badly they hurt the other person and why the breakup happened that makes another big deciding factor in who tends to return and who is gone for good. Most times, people tend to return to patch up any bad karma, to turn bad terms into good terms in order to clear their conscience and move on. Many times we're talking months down the road. But it does tend to happen.

 

You see what I'm saying?

[thelovingkind]

Spot on TheHurtProcess. After the end of my first relationship (I was dumpee) I became a compulsive clubbing hound (totally out of character), going out every Friday and Saturday night without fail for three months. I literally could not stay home on a weekend or I would be overcome with panic about how much of a loser I was. I pat myself on the back at the time because I was having as much of a social life as my ex was. The thing I couldn't realise then is that I was doing it all to plug a void, skirt the pain and compete in some imaginary test with my ex, whereas he was doing it for the more normal, healthy pleasures of social interaction. Now I can see that this was a "rebound" as much as any rebound relationship could have been.

[sun_moon]

To the OP, its like you read a chapter of my breakup saga.

 

Rebounding is absolutely such a ****ing cop-out for me, and people who behave that way just prove time and time again how weak they are.

 

You cant just replace all your invested time and love and emotions into a new COMPLETE STRANGER because the past relationship died, it is doomed to fail.

[Crisis]

So let me ask this then, cause this is how my situation is. If my GF of 5 years breaks up with me cause she says she needs space and a couple of weeks later I SEE that she is with someone else, but she claims they are just really good friends, when others who are around them claim that they are sleeping together without having a relationship together at the time. Would this be considered a rebound?

[krifle04]

So let me ask this then, cause this is how my situation is. If my GF of 5 years breaks up with me cause she says she needs space and a couple of weeks later I SEE that she is with someone else, but she claims they are just really good friends, when others who are around them claim that they are sleeping together without having a relationship together at the time. Would this be considered a rebound?

 

Yeah, my bf of 2.5 years immediately started hanging out with a new girl after he broke up with me. (Wasn't a messy break up at all) A week later I found out and he claimed yes he likes her, but that she was just a good friend for the time being to help him cope. (Ugh) ... 2 weeks later we discuss her again and he claimed "I haven't moved on in the least. [seeing her] is my way of getting over the fact that I've lost you."

 

So he has basically admitted numerous times to her being rebound. Even told me he might realize it is all a big mistake. But, he hasn't yet. He changed his prof pic on Facebook to a pic of them two after I told him some pretty hurtful things (Hey, I'm hurt)

 

I never saw the picture, heard about it through a friend, cried for hours, and had her delete him from my Facebook so I'd never have to see it.

 

How do you cope with the love of your life going through his/her rebound phase with another person?? I feel like I'm being deleted.

[Crisis]

krifle, cool name might I say. Look your not being deleted, it's just a coping mechanism for them. I don't know much about either of you, but the best way to move on it move on with no contact with him, deleting them from facebook is GOOD. It's hard to see, i know, I have to deal with seeing my ex, almost everyday considering I live one apartment building away and she is on the way in and out of the apartments. I couldn't tell you whether what he is telling you is BS or if he actually means it. The right thing to do is though is to try to move on as hard as it seems. The more you pick and prod, it will make him think he has the control and may push him further. I know it sucks, really I know, I'm still coping with nightmares with her in them and stuff, but it does get better everyday. You just have to gain your strength back and learn to stand on you own 2 feet and show him that you don't NEED him, you want him but DON'T NEED him. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get over him and you never know, he may be like, crap, she's over me? Man, i need to try to hit her up. Ha, but just stay strong and keep you head up and your wits about you. If this tread is right about rebounds coming back, then he may be back, but you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for hope that may not actually be there. Good luck to you.

[TheHurtProcess]

Spot on TheHurtProcess. After the end of my first relationship (I was dumpee) I became a compulsive clubbing hound (totally out of character), going out every Friday and Saturday night without fail for three months. I literally could not stay home on a weekend or I would be overcome with panic about how much of a loser I was. I pat myself on the back at the time because I was having as much of a social life as my ex was. The thing I couldn't realise then is that I was doing it all to plug a void, skirt the pain and compete in some imaginary test with my ex, whereas he was doing it for the more normal, healthy pleasures of social interaction. Now I can see that this was a "rebound" as much as any rebound relationship could have been.

 

Exactly. I notice people will do anything to minimize the pain and usually that means plugging that void with anything you can find at the time being. It's sad but true.

[krifle04]

krifle, cool name might I say. Look your not being deleted, it's just a coping mechanism for them. I don't know much about either of you, but the best way to move on it move on with no contact with him, deleting them from facebook is GOOD. It's hard to see, i know, I have to deal with seeing my ex, almost everyday considering I live one apartment building away and she is on the way in and out of the apartments. I couldn't tell you whether what he is telling you is BS or if he actually means it. The right thing to do is though is to try to move on as hard as it seems. The more you pick and prod, it will make him think he has the control and may push him further. I know it sucks, really I know, I'm still coping with nightmares with her in them and stuff, but it does get better everyday. You just have to gain your strength back and learn to stand on you own 2 feet and show him that you don't NEED him, you want him but DON'T NEED him. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get over him and you never know, he may be like, crap, she's over me? Man, i need to try to hit her up. Ha, but just stay strong and keep you head up and your wits about you. If this tread is right about rebounds coming back, then he may be back, but you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for hope that may not actually be there. Good luck to you.

 

Yeah, 2 weeks ago he told me he missed me and wanted to be friends. I told him that wasn't possible, that I was too hurt. I told him not to expect me to speak to him or be his friend. I haven't heard from him ever since (with the exception of him texting to ask if I had a shirt of his he needed.) And tonight I gave in and sent him a picture of something I thought he'd like (an excuse for him to just see me name pop up on his phone) And he didn't respond. I thought he would respond considering he was the one who wanted to talk and be friends. It hurts.

[Crisis]

Yea, I can see him saying sorry and trying to get you back. You seem like the strong minded type, but don't be cruel, I mean you said he's already kind of bad off. Be the mature one you know? I know it helps to get kicks for it, but you don't want to be childish you know? Would it have hurt you feelings if you tried to contact him and he taunted you? Anyways, that's beside the point.

 

No, keeping no contact with him is good, like i said, you made the right choice. He want's you back and regrets his decision, and most will. He's probably just trying to see how you are and stuff, again feeling some type of regret. If you don't feel the need to talk to him then don't even reply. Seriously, it seems wrong but after a while he will get the point. And what do you mean "It hurts"?

[thelovingkind]

If I rebound with Loveshack, is that a bad or good?

 

It's hard to know for sure from what I have read in this thread!

 

Hahahahahaha!

 

I know you're being facetious but it has actually occurred to me that this site has served something of that function for me. I guess in a sense a lot of good stuff that we do after a break up is rebound - rebounding with friends, family, exercise, etc. In other words, if you do something in the immediate aftermath of a break up to distract you from the pain, it more or less fits the bill. The difference between good and bad rebound, I guess, is whether you use that distraction as a soothing interlude between periods of grief, or whether you use it to try and smother out the grieving process altogether. Also of importance, is whether that distraction uses and abuses the feelings of other people (which is why using a friend or the LS community as a "rebound" is better than using someone who has romantic feelings for you).

[krifle04]

So there's no confusion, in my original post I was referring to the Dumper being in rebound, not the Dumpee.

 

I don't think there's an issue with Dumpees being in rebound as long as they don't prelong whatever it is and understand what it's there for. I made out with a friend one night and quickly decided that rebound relationship was over because it didn't change how I felt.

 

Dumpers, however, such a quick rebound seems rediculous. They should learn to put someone out of their life and fix THEIR side of the relationship problems. I know for a fact my ex hasn't changed a bit in the past month (works for my brother, my brother ended up firing him because he was a mess and not a hard worker...) which gives me comfort that he is not changing, whereas I feel like a whole new person.

[sun_moon]

So let me ask this then, cause this is how my situation is. If my GF of 5 years breaks up with me cause she says she needs space and a couple of weeks later I SEE that she is with someone else, but she claims they are just really good friends, when others who are around them claim that they are sleeping together without having a relationship together at the time. Would this be considered a rebound?

 

 

Absolutely a rebound.

[Crisis]

So if you say it's a rebound then how long would it last and would she come back. According to this tread she will, but is it actually possible. Not trying to instill hope, just want opinions on it.

[FinOuch]

So if you say it's a rebound then how long would it last and would she come back. According to this tread she will, but is it actually possible. Not trying to instill hope, just want opinions on it.

 

I don't think there's a definitive timeline. Weeks. Months. Who knows?

 

The real questions is this: why would you want someone like that back?

No good, rational answer...is there?

I wish my heart would catch up to my frakkin' head!

[delux]

it will last as long as you think about it! the rebound your ex is having is in your head only, the real facts are that you have to separate mentaly from her and focus on yourself, when you are healed and feeling good by yourself, alone or with friends, when you enjoy your life without her - then your ex relationship will stop being in a rebound and maybe it will be over till then or maybe it will be near the end by then, so that's almost the best chance for you... good luck!

[sun_moon]

So if you say it's a rebound then how long would it last and would she come back. According to this tread she will, but is it actually possible. Not trying to instill hope, just want opinions on it.

 

I completely understand your interest, it wont last long. A few months maybe, at the most, unless it turns into a REAL RELATIONSHIP, which seldom happens.

 

Either way, as long as you keep NC, stay strong and committed to wanting to get over her, you will be fine. Dont count the days, dont count the weeks, one day, you will realize, hey I dont know how longs its been, somewhere along the way I stopped counting.

 

and that my friend...is called progress.

 

Eventually you will feel better enough not to obsess about the f ing rebound, I've been there, and I feel your pain.

[ThatBwoii]

This thread is very counter productive to healing, its giving people hope of there dumpers coming back, but yeah, as most off you have said, its usually when you stop giving a crap that they start to give a crap.

[radiodarcy]

If I rebound with Loveshack, is that a bad or good?

 

It's hard to know for sure from what I have read in this thread!

 

Hahahahahaha!

 

lol! good point. i'm on here so much, i tend to wonder if LS has become like methadone to me!

[sun_moon]

lol! good point. i'm on here so much, i tend to wonder if LS has become like methadone to me!

 

Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of that too, everyone is.

 

Sometimes I have really good days, even a week, and then I come on here and I read some new stuff and it makes me re-hash my feelings so then I get away, and now I'm finding myself back on here because I'm less than ok.

 

Its a harmless drug.

[TheHurtProcess]

If I rebound with Loveshack, is that a bad or good?

 

It's hard to know for sure from what I have read in this thread!

 

Hahahahahaha!

 

hahahaha. I see what you're saying. I was more or less referring to the many self-destructive methods of rebounding. I hardly see LS as self-destructive.

 

So there's no confusion, in my original post I was referring to the Dumper being in rebound, not the Dumpee.

 

I don't think there's an issue with Dumpees being in rebound as long as they don't prelong whatever it is and understand what it's there for. I made out with a friend one night and quickly decided that rebound relationship was over because it didn't change how I felt.

 

Dumpers, however, such a quick rebound seems rediculous. They should learn to put someone out of their life and fix THEIR side of the relationship problems. I know for a fact my ex hasn't changed a bit in the past month (works for my brother, my brother ended up firing him because he was a mess and not a hard worker...) which gives me comfort that he is not changing, whereas I feel like a whole new person.

 

I too was referring to the "dumper", but I suppose it could apply to the "dumpee" as well.

[sun_moon]

dumper or dumpee, when you are not ready, you are just not ready. It's really that simple. Why involve an innocent 3rd party when you are dealing with an internal emotional hurricane, its not fair to the innocent bystander.

 

Deal with your ****, AND THEN move on.