Breakup/rebound trend.

[TheHurtProcess]

lol! good point. i'm on here so much, i tend to wonder if LS has become like methadone to me!

 

This is very true. I find that when I start to feel down or I run into something that gets me thinking about the ex/my previous relationship, I tend to visit LS and read other people's stories/posts and I feel much better.

[Crisis]

That's the way it is for me too. It helps to put the mindset in that your good with what's going on, and that you have other people that are willing to help you keep going.

 

i don't expect my ex to come back, but i was curious. Doesn't hurt to ask questions to harmless statements.

[krifle04]

I used to come on here every other night or so. Over the past week, the longer NC gets, I come here more and more and lose sleep reading stories and posts. I love it, but it's starting to get toxic. Just important to recognize when LS starts pushing you backwards. My room might be spotless by now if I weren't so addicted

[Crisis]

Yea, it's like when myspace first came out. Every 10 minutes I check it. LOL. It makes me feel good to read people's stories and get an outside view from the people around me, like looking outside the box for help. Everyone's stories around me gave me hope and that hope was killing me, but I came on here and it's was like, Hope? what is this hope you speak of? This be a place of healers and knowers lol.

[sun_moon]

This place has helped me in more ways than I can count or even recognize at the moment.

 

I can tell you this, one very important thing it did for me, it is such a huge way of allowing me to channel whatever thoughts or feelings I my have.

 

I remember I used to blow up my best friends phone in agony and despair, full of tears and anger. In the mornings, during my lunch break, at night. I used to look forward to lunch, as soon as I got in my car, I would burst into tears, GOD, thank god that is over.

 

I know that whether my friends and family know it or not (only my best friend knows), this site has allowed me to keep my sanity and allowed them to breathe.

 

LOL

 

I no longer have to talk to them incessantly about what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong, I still talk and share with friends, but they aren't going crazy hearing me all the time.

 

I love my best friend, she has been so wonderful. Think I'm going to send her a nice text.

[TheHurtProcess]

This place has helped me in more ways than I can count or even recognize at the moment.

 

I can tell you this, one very important thing it did for me, it is such a huge way of allowing me to channel whatever thoughts or feelings I my have.

 

I remember I used to blow up my best friends phone in agony and despair, full of tears and anger. In the mornings, during my lunch break, at night. I used to look forward to lunch, as soon as I got in my car, I would burst into tears, GOD, thank god that is over.

 

I know that whether my friends and family know it or not (only my best friend knows), this site has allowed me to keep my sanity and allowed them to breathe.

 

LOL

 

I no longer have to talk to them incessantly about what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong, I still talk and share with friends, but they aren't going crazy hearing me all the time.

 

I love my best friend, she has been so wonderful. Think I'm going to send her a nice text.

 

True that. I have a couple of friends that I talk to here and there, but I have many friends who I know just aren't interested in hearing me talk about my problems all the time. So, I'll more or less save it for he boards.

 

I think one of these days or better yet, late at night, I'll share my full story. I haven't really even done that yet. I just include pieces here and there when trying to offer advice and compare my story to theirs. I know part of me just wants to forget the past... Perhaps I'll forget after I share.

 

 

Yea, it's like when myspace first came out. Every 10 minutes I check it. LOL.

 

I know the feeling. I was like that with myspace for a minute too. Now I don't even use it anymore. I totally deleted my profile after I got into my relationship with my ex. I figured that it was a kind gesture since she used to get jealous because I still talked to quite a few females and she thought that I was flirting with them when I was merely acting nice.

 

I use FB quite often though. I've considered deleting that at some point. It probably had to do with that fact that it's such a small world and I'd see my exes name pop up on some peoples comments and so on. I think I finally killed all the news feeds of those who still talk to her. But, it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

 

 

I used to come on here every other night or so. Over the past week, the longer NC gets, I come here more and more and lose sleep reading stories and posts. I love it, but it's starting to get toxic. Just important to recognize when LS starts pushing you backwards. My room might be spotless by now if I weren't so addicted

 

I tend to lose quite a bit of sleep myself, getting lost in other peoples lives on LS. It definitely beats thinking about my crummy life all the time and it also helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this at the very moment. That there are actually quite a few people going through this at any one given moment. It's definitely toxic. That is for sure.

 

It's a sad sad world. Sometimes I wonder "what's the point?", when I see how many people there actually are that can do this to someone that they supposedly love or loved at one point in time. It's as if we have a world full of self-centered individuals and it seriously makes me not want to open myself up to anyone again, especially any time soon. It's as if you really can't trust anyone if you can't trust the one you love. I also feel as if I'm doomed to relive this experience countless times throughout my life. I know for sure that this isn't the last time I'm going to be going through the agony.

 

I don't mean to bring anyone down. But, I think about that quite a bit. Anyone have anything to add to that?

[thelovingkind]

This whole idea of dumpers being in rebound makes me uncomfortable. "Oh my ex left me for someone else, how long will it last? Will she come back?" It may not last long, but that really has nothing to do with them rebounding from us. That's just the nature of the fact that many relationships do not move past the honeymoon stage. In my view, nearly all the time if someone breaks up with you then they have emotionally checked out of the relationship. Whether they've dealt with personal issues that arose in the relationship, etc. is a separate question from whether or not they're rebounding. I think we all want to think that our dumpers are rebounding in order to flatter our egos and our need to believe that the break up is emotionally traumatic for each party and that they're dealing with it by "rebounding" rather than crying for weeks like we are. But honestly, I think they're done. Checked out, handed back the keys, moved on and out. If their new fling lasts two months or even two weeks, as much as we'd like to hope that's because our exes are emotionally still tied up with us, it ultimately failed because of purely internal dynamics related to the new relationship, not because of emotional carry-over from the past one.

[sun_moon]

This whole idea of dumpers being in rebound makes me uncomfortable. "Oh my ex left me for someone else, how long will it last? Will she come back?" It may not last long, but that really has nothing to do with them rebounding from us. That's just the nature of the fact that many relationships do not move past the honeymoon stage. In my view, nearly all the time if someone breaks up with you then they have emotionally checked out of the relationship. Whether they've dealt with personal issues that arose in the relationship, etc. is a separate question from whether or not they're rebounding. I think we all want to think that our dumpers are rebounding in order to flatter our egos and our need to believe that the break up is emotionally traumatic for each party and that they're dealing with it by "rebounding" rather than crying for weeks like we are. But honestly, I think they're done. Checked out, handed back the keys, moved on and out. If their new fling lasts two months or even two weeks, as much as we'd like to hope that's because our exes are emotionally still tied up with us, it ultimately failed because of purely internal dynamics related to the new relationship, not because of emotional carry-over from the past one.

 

 

I respect your opinion but disagree. Not all situations are as you described, and I do believe there are so many emotionally dysfunctional people out there that this happens all the time.

Is it excusable, not at all. Is it disgusting? Yes it is.

 

Dating casually is one thing, jumping into another relationship is just stupid. Thinking everything is black and white and you don't have to deal with the dirty laundry is called DENIAL.

 

sooner or later it catches up.

[TheHurtProcess]

Dating casually is one thing, jumping into another relationship is just stupid. Thinking everything is black and white and you don't have to deal with the dirty laundry is called DENIAL.

 

sooner or later it catches up.

 

I definitely agree. You're not only hurting one person. Now you're bringing a 3rd person into the equation who is most likely going to get hurt a couple months down the road.

 

I take solace in knowing that one day the "dirty laundry" will eventually spring up and since they decided not to deal with the issues up front, they will most likely have to deal with them after you've moved on.

 

I can't imagine living in a world where someone could just move on, taking zero responsibility, feeling no remorse or expressing no emotion as a result of their actions. However, it does happen.

[thelovingkind]

To clarify, I think if the word "rebound" is to have a useful and distinct meaning separated from general psychological dysfunction, it needs to be defined as taking the emotional energy from one relationship and channelling it into something else as a way to continue the momentum rather than grieve and accept the loss of that original source of emotional fulfillment.

 

What's being described in this thread seems to be more a case of "This person had all these issues when they were with me, and now they're going on into a new relationship and making all the same mistakes". I would agree that's messed up and stupid but I think that involves more general dysfunctional aspects of their personality rather than a strict case of rebound.

 

So I guess it's a question of how "dirty laundry" is defined. If we mean that they haven't learnt the lessons of why the relationship failed, what they did to cause its demise, understood why it's futile to they think they can just hop to a new relationship and things will be better, etc. then I agree. But if we mean that they're moving on in to a new relationship because they're unable to accept the fact that they're still emotionally invested in us, I find that very hard to believe in any instance. It just smacks of that toxic denial that dumpees sometimes front on these boards - "He still loves me he just has too much pride to accept it", etc.

[TheHurtProcess]

To clarify, I think if the word "rebound" is to have a useful and distinct meaning separated from general psychological dysfunction, it needs to be defined as taking the emotional energy from one relationship and channelling it into something else as a way to continue the momentum rather than grieve and accept the loss of that original source of emotional fulfillment.

 

What's being described in this thread seems to be more a case of "This person had all these issues when they were with me, and now they're going on into a new relationship and making all the same mistakes". I would agree that's messed up and stupid but I think that involves more general dysfunctional aspects of their personality rather than a strict case of rebound.

 

So I guess it's a question of how "dirty laundry" is defined. If we mean that they haven't learnt the lessons of why the relationship failed, what they did to cause its demise, understood why it's futile to they think they can just hop to a new relationship and things will be better, etc. then I agree. But if we mean that they're moving on in to a new relationship because they're unable to accept the fact that they're still emotionally invested in us, I find that very hard to believe in any instance. It just smacks of that toxic denial that dumpees sometimes front on these boards - "He still loves me he just has too much pride to accept it", etc.

 

I can say that I agree with your definition of a "rebound".

 

I'm referring to reasons why many people tend to return months/years down the road. Many times you will see an ex return. However, I don't believe it's because they're still madly in love with you or that they even want to see you two together either. It's because they realize that they may have left on bad terms and they tend to come back to patch things up before finally moving on. You sometimes (not always) see exes come back, try to get the relationship going again and then within a week or so, they're back to the "I don't know what I want" phase again. They patch things up on good terms this time around and then they're off for good. Sometimes it's an ongoing cycle, because some people just can't leave things off on a good note. Especially when the dumpee is harboring resentment.

 

As for "dirty laundry", I sort of see it as "baggage" or better yet, "unfinished business". I believe what Sun_Moon was saying is that, those who "rebound" don't have to deal with the emotional aspects (dirty laundry) of the breakup because they've already replaced the pain with someone/something else. At least that is what I got out of it.

[ThatBwoii]

It's almost like the dumper is blinded by something, they dont see the dumpee & the past relationship for what it is until they have an emotional spring, or they just remember over time what they actully left behind, then they strt to realize the damage they have caused, and from that point emotions start to run wild, you all need to remember that you are you, and nobody could ever "replace" YOU, at some point, they will feel the loss & the pain.

[ThatBwoii]

sorry for the double post but i belive this thread needs to be bumped, this is happening to alot of people at the moment

[mysticmeg1]

i think it has alot to do with why the two breakup for example if a person was cheated on in a relationship and is severley hurt they will go through the three stages of upset,anger and revenge.

 

some people just want to get back at their ex by jumping onto the next person they see in order to feel better about themselves

we all know this is the wrong way to go as no one comes out the better person,

 

i don't care what anybody says you cannot get over a relationship that quickly you have to go through the healing process,

[t_i]

The posts here suggesting that exs don't care and they checked out - I don't think are correct. unless they've fallen in love with someone else / fallen out of love.

 

I'm under no allusion that my ex will ever come back. I think he loved me loads- ridiculous amounts, he cried and cried when he ended it. He tried for over a year to make it work but woke up and realised nothing had changed or improved. We aren't compatible. That it's best off letting go. I think he knows he'll miss me for a while. His new rebound is as he said to me 'attention from someone is better than no attention from anyone'.

 

Yes it's nasty to her, and cowardly to try and distract yourself from the pain. But if it makes him feel better for a while then good on him.

 

(unfortunately he doesn't know she's a crazy bitch who gobs off, bitches and threatens when shes dumped - that will be his karma)

[t_i]

(sorry to double post. can't edit on my phone)

 

I feel people enjoy this website as commenting and trying to help others makes you realise the sense in taking your own advice. And that if we urge people to try and move on - to stick to NC that we must too. I had another urge to text him or ring him.

 

Came on here and now my brain is functioning again and not in panic mode

[sun_moon]

 

As for "dirty laundry", I sort of see it as "baggage" or better yet, "unfinished business". I believe what Sun_Moon was saying is that, those who "rebound" don't have to deal with the emotional aspects (dirty laundry) of the breakup because they've already replaced the pain with someone/something else. At least that is what I got out of it.

Yes, that is what I mean.

 

thelovingkind, yes I see what you are saying, but I'm specifically talking about rebounding as not wanting to deal with the INITIAL PAIN/ISSUE of the recent break up. Its common and disgusts me.

 

Again, do not jump into a situation with a third party, because you miss your old person, are lonely, and just plainly dont want to deal with the pain and grief.

 

It always catches up, always.

[TheHurtProcess]

i think it has alot to do with why the two breakup for example if a person was cheated on in a relationship and is severley hurt they will go through the three stages of upset,anger and revenge.

 

some people just want to get back at their ex by jumping onto the next person they see in order to feel better about themselves

we all know this is the wrong way to go as no one comes out the better person,

 

i don't care what anybody says you cannot get over a relationship that quickly you have to go through the healing process,

 

Not a long term relationship a least. Sometimes people jump into other relationships (rebounds) or mask the pain in other ways only to find that eventually they have to deal with the pain and overcome/heal.

 

I prefer to get the healing over with up front rather than deal with the pain later, so I chose to stay single until I reached that point. I'm glad I did too. I'm through the worst of it and I feel as though I can start dating again soon.

 

My ex on the other hand chose to replace the pain with drinking/partying and so on. She's tried contacting me a few times. While I believe she may just be starting to realize the pain that she chose to ignore before, I'm through that stage.

 

I've said it a few times already, but I feel as though the end of this summer is going to prove many of our theories. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, but many of these people who chose to put the pain aside during the summer by going out, partying, having fun, etc... I have a feeing that the truth is really going to hit them hard come the cold seasons. Especially since many of their friends are going to be spending more time indoors and less time out and about,partying it up. Therefore, they're going to be forced to spend more time on their own, more time thinking and perhaps what they chose to ignore earlier on might just creep up on them right then and there.

 

That is of course, if there really was something there. Some people leave due to a lack or loss of interest. Some have no pain to deal with from the breakup onward due to the fact that they either could have cared less or because they dealt with the pain/issues months or even years before the breakup actually took place.

[antinko]

My ex agreed to go on a date with some guy she met in a club a few weeks after we 'broke up', wait, while we were on a 'break' and she was 'confused'.

 

I felt so insulted. Hell, had roles been reversed, I'd never have been 'confused' and would have told the truth and I'd have the common decency to give it a bit of time.

 

This girl, as much as I still love her (I feel retarded), had sworn complete love for me many times and we'd thought about the future. She seemed really excited. Yet, it didn't take long for her to try moving on.

 

She isn't with anyone else currently, but she's been keeping busy and putting on a confident front, dressing herself up better than she ever did for me (I hate it and I'm jealous I never got that level of regard)...

 

I sound really bitter. I am really bitter. I know she wanted it to work with us, but I know overall, her selfishness won through. She's dropped me. /shrug

 

I, however, cannot move on right now and I know I won't for months, maybe longer. I even told her that. I know it made her feel bad (also pushed her away a bit I think >.<), but I wanted her to at least know that she'd had an impact on me.

 

I don't know. On one hand, I think my ex honestly cares and feels horrible - all this she's doing is a front and it could well be eating away at her inside. On the other hand, though, I wonder if really, whilst it does hurt her (I'm not the first she's done this exact same thing to), I wonder if she actually enjoys it, if this is what she wants from relationships: just the spark, the idea of love, and then to dispose of decent men when she's got bored.

 

I would have given everything to that girl had her promises remained true.

[lvm]

Breakups suck, plain and simple- regardless if you are the "dumper" or "dumpee" in a long term relationship. It is a huge void to fill.

 

In my last relationship, I was the dumpee in technical terms. Prior to our breakup, he had suggested us moving out of town, which was something I wasn't able to do yet for reasons outside of our relationship. It was a difficult, upsetting breakup for the both of us... in fact, we were trying to figure out how to give each other space with our work lives and he broke down crying that he didn't know if he could ever get over the hurt of suggesting a breakup to me. I said that I wouldn't go back. Days later he was in a whirlwind relationship with a new girl.

 

I guess my point is- hurt happens after a breakup and it isn't limited to your technical title. People rebound, whether with one night stands, throwing themselves out there socially, jumping into a new relationship, etc- to help themselves feel better. Sometimes it is intentional, sometimes it is subconscious. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they realize they need to take time to themselves. Time will tell... and one thing I have learned is that you can't rush that.

 

Is it hard to know what my ex is doing? Absolutely. It has kept me from NOT rebounding with a relationship... until I am ready.

[TheHurtProcess]

People rebound, whether with one night stands, throwing themselves out there socially, jumping into a new relationship, etc- to help themselves feel better. Sometimes it is intentional, sometimes it is subconscious. Sometimes they come back and sometimes they realize they need to take time to themselves. Time will tell... and one thing I have learned is that you can't rush that.

 

This is exactly what I was trying to say. We all rebound to an extent. Well, to tell the truth, I didn't rebound as quickly as my ex, for I spent a few weeks in my room, isolating myself from everyone. But over the past month or so, I've rebounded in so many ways. It's how we rebound that matters. We have to fill that void with something. I've been hanging out with friends more, getting to know myself again, going back to my hobbies and so on.

 

Others choose a more self-destructive route. It's these people who tend to come back. However, it's usually after you've healed and if you chose a non-destructive route, you will most likely be past the point on reconciliation, where they may be just starting to deal with the pain because they used destructive methods to mask it rather than deal with it up front as we have.

 

This isn't 100% obviously. This is my theory and I feel it's rather accurate for the most part. I've chosen self-destructive methods in the past to mask the pain and it only extends it to be honest. Eventually, if you've bottled it up, it's going to come out and you're going to have to deal with it, so you might as well begin from the start.

[without]

True that. I have a couple of friends that I talk to here and there, but I have many friends who I know just aren't interested in hearing me talk about my problems all the time. So, I'll more or less save it for he boards.

 

I think one of these days or better yet, late at night, I'll share my full story. I haven't really even done that yet. I just include pieces here and there when trying to offer advice and compare my story to theirs. I know part of me just wants to forget the past... Perhaps I'll forget after I share.

 

 

 

 

I know the feeling. I was like that with myspace for a minute too. Now I don't even use it anymore. I totally deleted my profile after I got into my relationship with my ex. I figured that it was a kind gesture since she used to get jealous because I still talked to quite a few females and she thought that I was flirting with them when I was merely acting nice.

 

I use FB quite often though. I've considered deleting that at some point. It probably had to do with that fact that it's such a small world and I'd see my exes name pop up on some peoples comments and so on. I think I finally killed all the news feeds of those who still talk to her. But, it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

 

 

 

 

I tend to lose quite a bit of sleep myself, getting lost in other peoples lives on LS. It definitely beats thinking about my crummy life all the time and it also helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this at the very moment. That there are actually quite a few people going through this at any one given moment. It's definitely toxic. That is for sure.

 

It's a sad sad world. Sometimes I wonder "what's the point?", when I see how many people there actually are that can do this to someone that they supposedly love or loved at one point in time. It's as if we have a world full of self-centered individuals and it seriously makes me not want to open myself up to anyone again, especially any time soon. It's as if you really can't trust anyone if you can't trust the one you love. I also feel as if I'm doomed to relive this experience countless times throughout my life. I know for sure that this isn't the last time I'm going to be going through the agony.

 

I don't mean to bring anyone down. But, I think about that quite a bit. Anyone have anything to add to that?

 

 

Exactly my thoughts.

[without]

I mean EXACTLY...I think I just don't trust anything/one...I don't know how to say it..but it's like I'm in a movie like "the game" ...everything i believe is a show...what's the point?...

[thelovingkind]

Well, remember, this website and this forum in particular is a pooling ground for people who have had their hearts broken. And since most of us probably found our way here by frantically googling things like "Why doesn't she love me?" and "Help obsessed with ex" we're probably at the more distressed end of that broader population. I doubt that people on multiple sclerosis discussion boards sit there thinking "Wow, the world is chock full of people with multiple sclerosis" and we should adopt the same mindset. We're a small part of the total population at any one time that just happens to be concentrated in one place. Better still, we're part of a transient population that aren't burdened with this affliction for life and will move on to other stages (happily single, happily dating, happily partnered) before too long.

 

I totally know that feeling when you see a slurry of new threads by freshly heartbroken newbies tipped out of long term relationships and wonder if that's going to be me in a few years, back to do this all over again, but remember the breakups forum is not a snapshot of the population at any one time. There are millions and millions of happy coupled people who will never end up here, just as I will probably never end up on a board for collectors of antique whistles, best thing is we are all single and not burdened with disappointing partners, so we all have a shot of joining them now

[sun_moon]

Yes but the biggest difference between MS or antiquing and LS is that breakups happen to everyone. Whether its bf/gf, partners, marriage, etc. It happens.

 

Guess what they move past the break up and heal. It's a growing pain.

Right now there is a lot of pain, but its necessary for real progress.