Newly married and in trouble

[Ree]

Never thought that I would be writing on a site like this but here we go. I am 35 and have been married for only 18months, before I meet my husband I had terrible luck with men, always chosing the wrong one, before I started dating my husband my relationships were either only 2 or so months or they never really took off, usually they were with good looking men who I was physically attracted too. I knew my husband though a friend many years before we started dating, when I knew him years before I never looked twice at him as there was no physical attraction on my part. After manys years of up's and down's with men I went on to a dating site when I spotted my husband, Í said hi and he wanted to meet for a beer and catch up on old times. We meet up and got on great even though if I am honest there still wasn't a great sexual chemisty but everything else was so nice after all the losers I had be dating I was keen for a change with a nice guy so we started dating. He is a wonderful loving man and after about 13 months we got engaged, we always had fun and I was happy with what we had, sex was never great but I was happy with everything else so it didn't really bother me. We got married a year later and I was content. Everybody loves him as he is a great guy, provider and loves me with all his heart. Recently I have had thoughts of other men sexually and have had interest from someone that I find both physically and mentally attractive, I am trying to stop these feeling and I do for a day or two but then they come straight back, this person unfortunately is my neighbourand a friend of ours. He feels the same way even more so to the point he is in love with me and want to be with me, he is not pressuring me in anyway but I can't stop thinking about him and the what if's. If the problem in my marriage was something I could fix I would but I don't think you can force yourself to feel something that you don't speically if it is physical chemisty, correct me if I am wrong? My issue is that I love my husband so much and can't bear the thought of hurting him or leaving him but also don't know if I can live the rest of my life without that feeling. Am I being unfair not letting him have a whole relationship with someone else, or do I just have to get over this and try and make it work reguardless of how I feel because he loves me so much and it would crush him if I left. I do adore the man that he is and love him dearly but is that enough, life other than this problem is great. I would love to hear from people with real advise not only people wanting to give me a piece of there mind. Thank you:o

[MissBee]

Hi Ree,

 

I am going to be honest and say that, with your admittedly dubious dating history, it was a bit premature for you to marry your husband. I am of the strong belief that always dating "the wrong" person, the common denominator is you, and you attract these people for a reason that you have to resolve within yourself.

 

A lot of women have a knack for dating the wrong men...but find those relationships to be full of excitement, passion and chemistry, although there is often no substance. They literally have no clue how to date a good man and the feelings with a good man almost never match up to the intensity and excitement of the wrong one. I think this may be what is happening with you. I would suggest you Google a website called Baggage Reclaim and search the site for an article called : "Are You Hankering for the Zsa Zsa Zu or Chasing a ‘Feeling’?" (you can also just Google this title and the site will come up). I think it will shed a lot of light on your situation, there are also other great articles there that discuss chemistry and that kind of thing.

 

I suggest you check it out and hold off on doing anything you may regret. I think you love your husband and you admit he is a great guy and you've also admitted to sort of knowing what your problem is, based on your past....it didn't go away overnight (evidently) just because you met your husband.

 

I think the article will give you some perspective and I think your marriage is something you HAVE to work on. You also have to work on yourself. Because believe me....if you get a good catch you still wont be able to make it work (which seems to be the case with you)...you have to start with yourself. ( aside: this post also emphasizes the realistic point that cheating is not the fault of the BS but often has everything to do with the WS's own demons) Cheating on your husband or even running off to be with this other man will probably turn out like all your other relationships if you don't get a handle on what's up with you.

 

 

I think there is hope for you and your new marriage....but you have to also communicate with your husband and tell him that you want marriage counseling as well as individual counseling. I think he will appreciate you admitting your feelings (that's what marriage is about) and wanting to do something about it versus you opening the can of worms to an affair that may not be worth it and in the end you are worst off than before. Goodluck!

Edited July 6, 2011 by MissBee

[Emme]

Get a divorce. You got married because you settled for someone. That's a unhealthy relationship to begin with. You can't live a happy life if that person isn't what you hoped they would be. He is kind and loving which is wonderful but it won't be enough because you are not truly content. I am not saying you are to divorce him to be with this guy. I am saying you should consider divorce because your whole heart is not in this marriage. Do it before you have kids. If you can live a lie then stay with him. Best wishes.

[SoMovinOn]

Grab a 2x4 and hit yourself over the head. Then, forget about this other guy and enjoy a long, happy marriage with your H.

 

Realize this guy you're attracted to is another one of those bad choices. Two months after you started with him, you'd realize he's another one of the wrong guys you are sexually attracted to, and it would be over.

 

... or, you could have an affair with him for two months and get it over with.

[Ree]

Cheers for your comments they really helped, I think you are right in that this is my reocurring problem and I have to look at myself first and try and sort it out. Passion and chemistry I just read is not only a sexual thing it is about sharing time together, laughing together, love and respect which I have, I know that this guy and these feelings are just exciting and fun and that if I did leave my husband for him it would happen again, so while I have a wonderful husband who I don't want to lose I need to deal with these demons and be happy Thanks again

[MissBee]

Cheers for your comments they really helped, I think you are right in that this is my reocurring problem and I have to look at myself first and try and sort it out. Passion and chemistry I just read is not only a sexual thing it is about sharing time together, laughing together, love and respect which I have, I know that this guy and these feelings are just exciting and fun and that if I did leave my husband for him it would happen again, so while I have a wonderful husband who I don't want to lose I need to deal with these demons and be happy Thanks again

 

I know you can. Goodluck to you!

[Steadfast]

I think there is hope for you and your new marriage....but you have to also communicate with your husband and tell him that you want marriage counseling as well as individual counseling. I think he will appreciate you admitting your feelings...

 

With all respect MissBee and Ree, the last thing he'll do is appreciate it. If he's like most guys, once he realizes his wife has the hots for someone else (plus, knowing that attraction is greater) it'll do things to him only other men can relate to. Hear me: a man's 'manhood' is a fragile thing; kept in the trusted care of the woman he loves...and he thinks loves him. When he is made aware that you're attracted to another man it'll tear his manhood out by the roots. Women just don't get it...it isn't something you can 'talk about' or 'sort through.' No! We don't work that way.

 

Ree, I know you came on here looking for help and I think you'll get it but IMO, if these feelings you have persist then he's going to get hurt one way or another. In fact, you've already hurt him by selfishly agreeing to marry him without a strong sexual attraction. People often say sex isn't everything and that's true...it's in the next slot over. Almost everything.

 

My instinct is to rip off the bandage and divorce him, so he can find someone who truly loves him the way he deserves to be loved. Judging by the words of your post, your motivation for marriage was way off; not once did you mention loving him and wanting to take care of him. Support him. Grow through the good and bad. Nope; you post was: sick of this guy, not that guy, marry nice guy, then whoops! Hot guy. You did him wrong.

 

Let him go but please, don't cheat on him...it's bad enough already. Leave him with some dignity.

 

Good luck-

[Steadfast]

It's so refreshing to have a man's perspective (I think you're a dude?)

 

I just checked and...yes. I'm a dude.

 

But considering my intricate knowledge of fabric softener, china patterns and color matching I sometimes wonder myself. Single fatherhood is no picnic.

[MissBee]

With all respect MissBee and Ree, the last thing he'll do is appreciate it. If he's like most guys, once he realizes his wife has the hots for someone else (plus, knowing that attraction is greater) it'll do things to him only other men can relate to. Hear me: a man's 'manhood' is a fragile thing; kept in the trusted care of the woman he loves...and he thinks loves him. When he is made aware that you're attracted to another man it'll tear his manhood out by the roots. Women just don't get it...it isn't something you can 'talk about' or 'sort through.' No! We don't work that way.

 

Ree, I know you came on here looking for help and I think you'll get it but IMO, if these feelings you have persist then he's going to get hurt one way or another. In fact, you've already hurt him by selfishly agreeing to marry him without a strong sexual attraction. People often say sex isn't everything and that's true...it's in the next slot over. Almost everything.

 

My instinct is to rip off the bandage and divorce him, so he can find someone who truly loves him the way he deserves to be loved. Judging by the words of your post, your motivation for marriage was way off; not once did you mention loving him and wanting to take care of him. Support him. Grow through the good and bad. Nope; you post was: sick of this guy, not that guy, marry nice guy, then whoops! Hot guy. You did him wrong.

 

Let him go but please, don't cheat on him...it's bad enough already. Leave him with some dignity.

 

Good luck-

 

Oh, I didn't mean for her to admit she wanted to have sex with another man and so on Yea, no one wants to hear all that. I meant admitting that she feels like she has some work to do and addressing their issues of perhaps feeling like they rushed or needing some extra skills to make their relationship work and that she wanted marriage counseling to work through it.

 

 

I wouldn't advocate for her to leave just yet, as I think the problem may not be him, but her having unresolved issues that will play out NO MATTER WHO it is....if that is the case, it very well may be that after some counseling and given some tools she will be able to actually see her relationship differently and actually cultivate what is lacking versus chasing the feelings of being with essentially "bad boys" that won't give her what she wants. I think she should give her marriage a fair try, through becoming more aware, upon counseling she could also realize that aside from her own issues, he is also not the one, and in that case...a divorce is indeed called for, but before she delves into her issues, she may be writing off a marriage that can be fixed once she fixes herself.

[Silly_Girl]

I think you must step away from the possibility of an affair. That's not what your TRUE issue is.

 

You cannot get back something that was never there. Couples counselling won't create some magical spark and hot, hot sex. But your H seems like a good guy.

 

I think you should agree with yourself to do 'nothing about nothing' for three months and seek some counselling for yourself. Three months compared to a lifelong marriage is no sacrifice... Work through this.

 

I wonder whether you may find that you value your H more than you realise, but actually if you don't I think getting a divorce and giving yourself (and your H) a chance to try again and get it right this time would be a positive option.

[Heart On]

While you can't conjure up feelings of passion that don't exist

for your husband, you alone made the choice to ignore those needs for other needs you lacked in previous relationships.Now that it is obvious

to you that you settled and you have someone waiting in the wings,things are going to get very risky.

 

You have two choices.

 

Admit to your H what you feel and did in terms of

marrying him knowing full well that he didn't meet your sexual needs.

 

 

or

 

Continue to minimize them and cut off ALL contact with the OM so that

you aren't tempted to act on the needs that you aren't getting met in your marriage.

 

One thing is forsure....Once you act on your passion for the OM,there is NO GOING BACK.It will consume you until you do something about it.And doing something about it before you are at least separate,if not fully divorced,will lead you down a road that becomes all the more confusing and hard to live with and extremely unfair to the man who loves you and doesn't know your true feelings!

 

Also realize that sometimes,the mere fact that we become attracted to emotionally unavailable men who we find sexually attractive and have a history of doing,makes it all the harder to settle down with the man who fulfills our emotional needs as it goes against the "grain" of our issues.

 

You do have the right to choose a man who fulfills BOTH sides of you,sexual and emotional,but you don't have the right to choose to be with two men who fullfill different needs.

 

Sounds like you have some hard choices to make.

 

Commit to your hearts desire either way and live with the consequences.

 

I would lastly suggest that if you informed you H of your feelings,he will either pointlessly fight for you,as you may have already realized "he can't do it for you" or could happily show you the door and find a woman who does want him sexually and emotionally.

 

Honesty IS the best policy and people don't lie to protect others,they lie to protect themselves from the consequences of thier true feelings and thier lies.

 

Ultimately,you have to live with your choices so what we think...matters not.

[growingpains]

Ree, I really do feel for you and understand what you are going through to a certain extent. Please just try to give your marriage and your husband the time without any distractions, otherwise you may never truly know and may regret it.

 

If you work on yourself and your marriage first, rather than taking an escape route, which will just add more problems in the long run, you'll hopefully know one way or the other.

 

I'm in a similar situation and I am over 6 months no contact. I stopped things before they actually became physical as I had read here time and time again it is a million times worse once you've crossed the line and as Heart On says, there is no going back. As difficult as it seems now it will only be worse if you take that step. The issues will be buried further under a layer of extra complication.

 

I have found so many interesting and painful things coming out of looking at why I felt this way (all related to intimacy with issues in my past) in the first place and Miss Bee is so right when she says it is often that the problem is with us.

 

I also understand it is possible to have feelings and to be physically/sexually attracted to others but acting on them is a whole other ballgame.

 

You owe it to yourself and your husband to at least try to give it the work it deserves and if you feel the same after, with no added complications or distractions to colour your view, then you can decide what you need to do then. At least any issues will hopefully have been addressed to allow you to have healthier relationships in the future.

 

Remember the grass isn't always greener, there was a very interesting post not long ago by a woman that had so desperately wanted to be with her AP, got what she thought she wanted, then said she missed her 'boring' marriage. So better not to throw it all away until you are absolutely sure it's something you no longer want.

 

And of course, hot sex is great (I can vaguely remember!) but a strong, safe companionship of deeper love and trust is not so bad either. Depends what you're willing to compromise on and/or if you think you'll find everything in one person if you are not...

 

I know it's easier said than done and I would still love to get lost in that fantasy land sometimes but I know I'm working towards a healthier and stronger marriage eventually, I hope anyway. I still struggle with my feelings for OM, but I know logically it can never come to anything and is best for everyone if I remain NC. I read both sides on here and know that truly no good can come out of a triangle like this, as overwhelming as those feelings can be.

 

 

GP

Edited July 6, 2011 by growingpains

[Mimolicious]

Never thought that I would be writing on a site like this but here we go. I am 35 and have been married for only 18months, before I meet my husband I had terrible luck with men, always chosing the wrong one, before I started dating my husband my relationships were either only 2 or so months or they never really took off, usually they were with good looking men who I was physically attracted too. I knew my husband though a friend many years before we started dating, when I knew him years before I never looked twice at him as there was no physical attraction on my part. After manys years of up's and down's with men I went on to a dating site when I spotted my husband, Í said hi and he wanted to meet for a beer and catch up on old times. We meet up and got on great even though if I am honest there still wasn't a great sexual chemisty but everything else was so nice after all the losers I had be dating I was keen for a change with a nice guy so we started dating. He is a wonderful loving man and after about 13 months we got engaged, we always had fun and I was happy with what we had, sex was never great but I was happy with everything else so it didn't really bother me. We got married a year later and I was content. Everybody loves him as he is a great guy, provider and loves me with all his heart. Recently I have had thoughts of other men sexually and have had interest from someone that I find both physically and mentally attractive, I am trying to stop these feeling and I do for a day or two but then they come straight back, this person unfortunately is my neighbourand a friend of ours. He feels the same way even more so to the point he is in love with me and want to be with me, he is not pressuring me in anyway but I can't stop thinking about him and the what if's. If the problem in my marriage was something I could fix I would but I don't think you can force yourself to feel something that you don't speically if it is physical chemisty, correct me if I am wrong? My issue is that I love my husband so much and can't bear the thought of hurting him or leaving him but also don't know if I can live the rest of my life without that feeling. Am I being unfair not letting him have a whole relationship with someone else, or do I just have to get over this and try and make it work reguardless of how I feel because he loves me so much and it would crush him if I left. I do adore the man that he is and love him dearly but is that enough, life other than this problem is great. I would love to hear from people with real advise not only people wanting to give me a piece of there mind. Thank you:o

 

The bolded- Unfortunately, you are the one that holds the real answer to that. In a more realistic sense, my mentality says YES it is enough. That my $0.02, but you don't want to hear that.

 

If "love" & "adoration" is not for you, the what is?

Usually, people cheat in search of some this very same "love" you're about to forsake, hone.

 

"If life other than this problem is great", seek help for the "problem" then or else you will really have problems. You wont really find the "cure" for it by stepping out of your M and having steamy sessions with your neighbor. For all you know, he can be wack in bed. Just saying...

 

Quick question: How is your neighbor "in love" with you? Are you two tight? I mean, if he sees you watering the garden and he's "In love" with you, that sounds juvenile and more like infatuation. Not "love". Of course, unless you are already building up the momentum, because otherwise you wouldn't know that he "wants to be with you".

 

If you have to "force" yourself, then yeah that doesn't sound ideal. You will hatter your Hs heart, the day he finds out you had to "force" yourself to be with him. Don't think that telling him you "adore" him is going to make him feel any better. I can't correct you, because you are not wrong with the "Physical chemistry" part but you're just about to make a disaster out of your life based on a temporary feeling. From what I can read, on 1 aspect= $ex.

 

Hone, you're about to play with fire. You know what happens after the jump. This can play out in a thousand different ways but I guarantee you none will be a seamless & hurt-free process for anyone. Make a list of all you have then make a list of all you don't have. Check it twice and be smart. Who knows maybe you're going to find "amazing" in the neighbor and maybe that will be all you will have. The choice is yours. Or you can always ask your H about what he thinks.

 

Good luck! Don't be foolish...

[Ree]

I am so glad I found this site and for everyone who has given up their time to post something on here, it has helped me alot. I have decided that what I have with my husband is enough to fight for and I am going to with all my heart. I told the neighbour that it's not going to happen and that I want to save my marriage. After reading some of these posts I truly believe that the problem lies from my past and even as far back as childhood. I have had problems with self confidence and body image since I was about 18 years old and I used to crave attention from men to make me feel attractive, hence this is what I am doing now!! Having someone new find you attractive and sexy etc makes you feel good. Very eye opening and thank god you all were here to help me realise these issues. Thanks again

[fooled once]

Never thought that I would be writing on a site like this but here we go. I am 35 and have been married for only 18months, before I meet my husband I had terrible luck with men, always chosing the wrong one, before I started dating my husband my relationships were either only 2 or so months or they never really took off, usually they were with good looking men who I was physically attracted too. I knew my husband though a friend many years before we started dating, when I knew him years before I never looked twice at him as there was no physical attraction on my part. After manys years of up's and down's with men I went on to a dating site when I spotted my husband, Í said hi and he wanted to meet for a beer and catch up on old times. We meet up and got on great even though if I am honest there still wasn't a great sexual chemisty but everything else was so nice after all the losers I had be dating I was keen for a change with a nice guy so we started dating. He is a wonderful loving man and after about 13 months we got engaged, we always had fun and I was happy with what we had, sex was never great but I was happy with everything else so it didn't really bother me. We got married a year later and I was content. Everybody loves him as he is a great guy, provider and loves me with all his heart. Recently I have had thoughts of other men sexually and have had interest from someone that I find both physically and mentally attractive, I am trying to stop these feeling and I do for a day or two but then they come straight back, this person unfortunately is my neighbourand a friend of ours. He feels the same way even more so to the point he is in love with me and want to be with me, he is not pressuring me in anyway but I can't stop thinking about him and the what if's. If the problem in my marriage was something I could fix I would but I don't think you can force yourself to feel something that you don't speically if it is physical chemisty, correct me if I am wrong? My issue is that I love my husband so much and can't bear the thought of hurting him or leaving him but also don't know if I can live the rest of my life without that feeling. Am I being unfair not letting him have a whole relationship with someone else, or do I just have to get over this and try and make it work reguardless of how I feel because he loves me so much and it would crush him if I left. I do adore the man that he is and love him dearly but is that enough, life other than this problem is great. I would love to hear from people with real advise not only people wanting to give me a piece of there mind. Thank you:o

 

So a neighbor who you know loves you? Really?

 

Why did you get married to someone you feel isn't sexy enough/handsome enough? Was it because you were tired of being lonely? Was it because it was him or no one?

 

You can't bear the thought of hurting him, yet you state you aren't attracted to him and want to have sex with the neighbor, but you just couldn't divorce him?

 

Divorce him. He deserves someone who loves him. Someone who respects him. Someone who didn't marry him because there was no one else on the horizon.

 

I don't see how you love him when you talk poorly about him and when you want to have sex with your neighbor?

 

My advice again - divorce him. Let him find someone else who treats him the way he deserves to be treated; someone who loves him inside AND out; someone who wouldn't be thinking of having sex with the neighbor, someone who appreciates him and respects him. Someone who truly LOVES him.

[TurboGirl]

Sounds like you a bored by your hubby. Yes he is a GREAT guy, a good husband, etc. But... I sense you are bored and this neighbor is a bit exciting and offering a taste of the forbidden. It would be so exciting and fun, wouldn't it! The neighbor loves you? Come on. Really. He's trying to get you into bed! Can't you see that?!

 

However... I urge you to resist the pull to this man and focus on why you are bored. This is within you... re examine what your expectations of marriage are, please. Once you take the step to have an affair on your H you can never take it back, and you will be feeling guilty - trust me, I know. You are newly married and I think still adjusting to the fact that every day is not a bowl of roses and yeah it gets boring. It is human nature to look at members of the opposite sex and fantasize. But acting out is not a good idea.

 

I have a suggestion that a therapist gave to me... have sex with your husband every day for 2 weeks and see how you feel after that... hopefully you will feel closer to him and the temptation for a fling will be gone. And of course, please try & do some soul searching. Could be something within yourself that is making you unhappy - and when we are unhappy it is easy to look outside of ourselves and our primary relationship for a quick fix. Wishing you all the best! (((HUGS)))