My Boyfriend Sabotaged Our Relationship, So

[rita1967]

Hello.

 

I was with my boyfriend for over a year and we just broke up about a month ago. I am still puzzled and totally heartbroken. I have only ever been in relationships where we either drifted apart or one party simply no longer wanted to be with the other. This was not the case.

 

We met about a year ago and immediately became inseparable. Our relationship was very passionate, both physically and emotionally. In fact, he was so into me at first that it almost freaked me out because it had been years since I was in an actual relationship. A few months passed and I began to notice a change in him. After an irrational, drunken episode that threw me for a loop, he spent the next day apologizing profusely. I figured it was just a bad night of drinking, we all have them. I forgave him and believed him when he promised that nights like that would never happen again. They did, a few more times in the next couple of months. I forgave him every time, hoping he would change. He told me once before that he sort of pushed his first girlfriend away for reasons that he didn't quite understand. It concerned me, but of course, I was the game changer, or so I believed. I loved him desperately and he loved me too. He always told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, etc.

 

A few months later I was forced to break up with him after another drunken night when he accused me of being unfaithful to him, which I never was. We broke up for a few weeks, he stopped drinking entirely and we got back together. Although things were better, there were still things that kept happening that I didn't understand. For instance, I was stunned a month after we got back together and he had the audacity to storm out of my apartment because he was "upset" that I had broken up with him. After that fight, he told me that he felt like things were a ticking time bomb but couldn't explain why. It freaked me out, but once again, we were in love, right? When we would get into arguments he would take low blows at me, saying things like "when you break up with me" or reminding me that I had hooked up with someone at our workplace months before I even met him. Sometimes he would pick on me until I was in tears, but always covered it up by saying he was just kidding with me. Later he would apologize and explain that he didn't know why he did things like that. All the while, I forgave him, continued to love him. Obviously our entire relationship was not like this, it was beautiful at times. Unfortunately, I always felt like it was a matter of time before he would create some unnecessary drama. Just when I felt that I couldn't be any closer to him, he would pick some sort of a fight with me that wouldn't make any sense and leave pissed off. He'd always come back and apologize. We always talked about our future together which was generally initiated by him. He once asked me if I would really marry him and I said yes. His response? "I just don't see how anyone would want to marry me."

 

He was the only guy I had ever been with that made me question him, probably because all of our past conflicts. Unfortunately, he proved me right last month when I went through his phone and found messages from a woman who he had dinner with. When I confronted him, he lied about it until I admitted that I had went through his phone. The curious part is that when I had my suspicions, he took a shower and literally left his phone open. I asked him later if he wanted me to find out, he said yes so he would never do it again. Unfortunately, he knew it was too late for me and that he was out of chances.

 

It has been over a month now and we went 4 weeks without any contact until he e-mailed me. His e-mail made me feel a little better because I was under the impression that he just wanted to walk out of my life. Since then he has lost his job and is completely miserable without me. He wants me to get back with him but I don't think I could ever trust him again. This has been super painful because it's so hurtful to see the person you love struggling with their own brain. It's like he doesn't even realize what's going on in his head. He essentially broke up with me but is pining over me now and is a total wreck. I just feel like a fool because I gave him everything. Does anyone have any insight into self-sabotaging behavior? I wish he would get help....

Edited July 6, 2011 by rita1967

[rita1967]

yeah, trust me. i've written the exact same list in my journal and then some. right when i compile a list of all of our great memories, i come up with a list of bad things just as long. what i'm most ashamed of is that i'm still only thinking of him, how he's feeling, what he's doing. i need to mourn for myself but am having a hard time doing so.

 

i always used to be that girl who never saw myself getting into the situation like this one. i used to judge people who would. i had too much respect for myself, too much pride. i hope he hasn't ruined my future prospects. i'm so skeptical of everything now.

[Sugarkane]

Hi Rita this guy is playing games with you, somehting I can't stand. I've dated a couple of guys that have self sabotaged aswell. I always try and focus on the negatives of them aka the "real them" and not the person they were trying to be.

[rita1967]

I need to keep reminding myself that I was stressed out a good portion of our relationship. Unfortunately, right now they all seem to be overshadowed by all of the great times. I'm afraid of becoming bitter and I don't want that.

 

I can't believe after all of the stuff he put me through (read list above), I am terrified that he will move on before me and forget all about me. Ughhh.

[rita1967]

I feel okay about everything when I'm around people. Then I get home and start pining away again. It's been 6 weeks and I'm still crying daily. Maybe I should go and see someone?

[Downtown]

Does anyone have any insight into self-sabotaging behavior?

Rita, the behavior you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, emotional instability, black-white thinking, and inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether these traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full blown pattern of the symptoms can only be determined by a professional. Yet, even when these traits fall well short of that criteria, they can wreck havoc on a person's attempt to sustain a LTR. Moreover, as you have already seen, it is easy to spot strong occurrences of symptoms like verbal abuse and push-away and pull-back behavior.

We met about a year ago and immediately became inseparable. Our relationship was very passionate, both physically and emotionally. In fact, he was so into me at first that it almost freaked me out....

BPDers (those with strong traits) are very VERY easy to fall in love with. The main reason is that, lacking a strong sense of who they are, they emulate the personality of the person they are infatuated with. This mirroring process is so nearly perfect that the two of you will both be convinced you've met your soul mates. And, because a BPDer typically idealizes you during this infatuation period, he truly believes you are nearly perfect. This is why his two great fears -- engulfment and abandonment -- are suspended and held at bay until the infatuation evaporates a few months later.

A few months passed and I began to notice a change in him.

Like HomeBrew said, you started seeing the real guy at this point. When the infatuation evaporates, the BPDer's twin fears return. Hence, as you draw near to him, you will trigger his great fear of engulfment, making him feel like he is being swallowed up into your strong personality. He therefore will push you away by creating an argument over nothing at all.

 

Yet, as you back off to give him breathing space, you will trigger his other great fear, abandonment. This is why a few days (or weeks) later he will start reeling you back into the relationship by being extra caring and loving. As you draw back closer, however, the cycle will resume anew.

 

Sadly, there is no Goldilocks position midway between "too close" and "too far away" where you can avoid triggering both of the fears. I can confidently say that after having searched for it for 15 years with my exW -- to no avail. Hence, this push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle is a hallmark of having strong BPD traits.

Just when I felt that I couldn't be any closer to him, he would pick some sort of a fight with me that wouldn't make any sense.

Yes, a BPDer typically behaves the very worst immediately after the best of times, e.g., after a very intimate evening or great weekend spent together. The intimacy, which he craves, makes him feel very frightened, as though he is evaporating into thin air -- losing himself in your strong personality. Sadly, he is fearful of the intimacy he so badly craves.

 

Yes, I know -- such a paradox (i.e., craving what you most fear) is difficult to comprehend. But we can often gain some understanding of paradoxes by finding a poetic reference to them using terms and concepts we already understand. Fortunately, a member of another forum provided a poetic description I found helpful. He wrote, "When a BPDer talks about intimacy, it's like a vampire talking about sunrise: every one of them wants to see one, but they are frightened to because it means death if they do." This conflicted feeling a BPDer has toward intimacy is why you cannot fix him by loving him. The act of loving him hurts him as much as it helps him. Hence, trying to help a BPDer by loving him is like trying to help a burn patient by hugging him.

After an irrational, drunken episode that threw me for a loop, he spent the next day apologizing profusely.

As you saw when he gave up the alcohol for a while, his rapid flipping from adoring you to devaluing you continued even when he was not drunk. These "flips" typically occur in less than a minute, often taking only 10 seconds to occur. This behavior is called all-or-nothing thinking. This black-white thinking is most evident in the BPDer's action of categorizing everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and in his ability to recategorize someone from one polar extreme (love you) to the other (hate you) in a few seconds based solely on a casual remark or minor infraction.

He told me once before that he sort of pushed his first girlfriend away for reasons that he didn't quite understand.

He likely was telling you the truth. He doesn't understand it. Having strong BPD traits is ego-syntonic, i.e., the distorted perception of other peoples' intentions is such a natural part of the way he has been thinking since childhood that the distortion is invisible to him. This is why it is rare for high functioning BPDers to have sufficient self awareness to see their own strong BPD traits. Moreover, even when they do, they often lack the ego strength to be willing to admit it to themselves. To protect that fragile ego, a BPDer does projection, i.e., he blames other people for his own flaws and mistakes, thus avoiding the terrible feeling of shame he would suffer by recognizing his shortcomings. This is why you likely should not tell him you suspect he has strong BPD traits. He almost certainly will project it back onto you. And, because projection works at the subconscious level, his conscious mind will actually believe you are the one suffering from strong BPD traits. If you say anything to him, the most helpful thing to say is encouraging him to seek therapy with a clinical psychologist.

He always told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, etc.

He almost certainly believed it when he said it. However, when the infatuation period ended after a few months, he reverted to being his usual self, i.e., an emotionally unstable man who flips back and forth between seeing you as "all good" and "all bad." Yet, because he is high functioning, he likely does not exhibit that unstable behavior to strangers, business associates, and casual friends. Those folks never see his dark, unstable side because they pose no threat of abandonment (no LTR that can be abandoned) and no threat of engulfment (no intimacy that can engulf him).

He accused me of being unfaithful to him, which I never was.

BPDers typically are incapable of trusting anyone for an extended period. Until they learn to trust themselves, they cannot trust anyone else.

He wants me to get back with him but I don't think I could ever trust him again.

When a person is unable to trust you, you can never trust him because he can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

He felt like things were a ticking time bomb but couldn't explain why.

Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of who he is, he does not know today how he will be feeling about something a week from now. That is why he so desperately wants a stable, strong personality like you in his life to center and ground him -- preventing his mind from shooting off in all directions. Yet, because you never know for sure what minor comment will trigger his inner anger, you will always feel you are walking on eggshells. This is why the best selling BPD book (targeted to partners like you) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

All the while, I forgave him, continued to love him.

The forgiving and loving actions were good. What was harmful to him, however, was your enabling behavior -- where you allowed him to violate your personal boundaries (behaving like a spoiled child) and you kept taking him back. Hence, your decision to leave him -- forcing him to face the logical consequences of his childish behavior -- was the best thing you could have done for him. As someone who was unable to do that for 15 years, I applaud your wise decision to enforce your personal boundaries.

His response? "I just don't see how anyone would want to marry me."

Like I said, a BPDer has low self esteem -- to the point of hating himself. Hence, the last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more item to add to the long list of things he hates about himself. This is one reason he was frequently blaming every misfortune on you.

This has been super painful because it's so hurtful to see the person you love struggling with their own brain.

Yes, to us caregivers, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema. It goes against our family values, our morals, our sense of purpose -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. But you did the right thing by walking away because the toxic relationship was likely as harmful to him as to you. His best chance of confronting his issues and learning to manage them is for him to be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of his selfish behavior, i.e., losing you.

It's like he doesn't even realize what's going on in his head.

As I said, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to seek therapy and stay with it long enough to make a difference. Although a BPDer usually knows something is not right, he typically is too scared to tolerate the painful shame of finding out what it is.

I wish he would get help....

There are excellent treatment programs available but it can take several years of intensive, weekly therapy sessions to make a difference. Only rarely will a high functioning BPDer seek out such a program, much less stay in it long enough to make a difference. That said, you may want to suggest to him that he see a clinical psychologist to find out what is bothering him. Again, I advise you not to mention "BPD traits" to him. Indeed, even if he has them at the diagnostic level, is unlikely that the therapist will tell him that name for a long time -- for several reasons I've discussed on other threads.

 

Rita, if this discussion rings a bell and you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you start with my four posts in GreenEyedRebel's thread. They begin at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If you have any questions about this discussion, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to professional articles that can. Take care, Rita.

Edited July 7, 2011 by Downtown

[rita1967]

thanks a lot for this. everything that you said makes sense to me. i hope for his sake he gets tired of this pattern and realizes that he needs to get help. he knows something isn't right in his head, he's told me before.