I think my dad is cheating on my mom

[guest]

This is rough. THey have been HAPPILY married for 25 years. I am 20 and my brother is 25. We are all involved in a very successfull family business in which we all are a part of. My parents always seem so happy, and i love my mom with all my heart. However i have found emails on my dads computer about him meeting up with other women. My dad tells my mom how much he loves her, and how faithful he is. I am the only person who knows about these affairs. Who should i tell? I dont want to break up a happy family, however i love my mom and would never want to see her being lied to. I dont know what to do or who to talk to

[dyermaker]

Who should i tell?

 

Nobody.

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Nobody.

 

Exactly. Nobody, especially NOT your mother.

If you really can't help telling someone in your family, it's better you tell your father. Who is very likely not going to take well the fact that you were snooping in his computer, and the fact that you are confronting him about it, so don't get surprised if he'll get very mad at you.

Again, in case you decide to tell him, don't even dream of treathening him with one of those "you either stop or I tell mother" lines. You have no right to.

And if your mother ever gets to know about it it is very better it is from your father and not from you. And please if all is discovered by your mother, _never ever_ tell her you knew anything about it.

 

Sorry to hear your story, it must have been a nasty shock to you

[dyermaker]

Plus, you could be wrong.

[bella8464]

My father cheated on my mom for 5 years before we found out about it. If someone had suspected that he was cheating, I definitely wish that that person would have warned me and I know for sure my mom feels the same way. Then maybe it wouldn't have gone on so long. But no matter the length of time, it hurts just the same. Every situation is different, but I think you should talk to your father privately. Tell him about the emails you found. It was not right for you to be snooping, but what's done is done and you can only try to make things better from this point on. Don't jump into conclusions. But if he really is cheating, if I was in your position, I wouldn't feel bad at all for snooping. He's getting what he deserves. It could be a blessing in disguise. If it could stop him from doing what he's doing (again, we're just assuming here), then be glad you found the emails because finding out sooner than later could spare your family at least SOME heartache. If he has no plans on telling the truth, then be VERY happy you found out on your own. Again, these are just assumptions. This will eat you up inside if you don't talk to your father and find out the truth. The worst things you could do is saying something to your mom before knowing all the details and accusing your dad before speaking to him. Good luck. I know what this feels like. If you need to talk or anything, just PM me.

[guest]

pyrine,

 

how could it be none of my business? He is lying to me and my mother and brothers face, and living a dual personality. He is a family man on one side who tells me to my face that he is a faithful holy man, but he screws women when he goes on a business trips. I dont have solid proof that he has had sex with any other women, however i know for a fact that he is having romantic relationships with multiple women.

 

 

Bella, thank you man

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm with Bella, Guest.

 

You're an adult now, not a child. Gently approach your father with what you've found and simply ask him "what's going on?"

[Pyrannaste]

Yes, it is definitely *your* business, but it is very important that if your mother ever gets to know what is going on, she learns it from your father and not from anyone else. I really hope that your father will either stop contacting other women on his own, or that you can talk him out of it.

The best way to approach the subject with him is asking him what is going on, as EnigmaXOXO suggested; don't attack him on the subject, even if he reacts badly, it will be easier to have a talk.

[bluechocolate]

You found out because you read emails that were not yours to read. How would you feel now if you hadn't seen those emails? And do you know what really goes on between your mother and father? Maybe she knows and is coping with things in her own way. It's possible that both she and your father could resent your interference.

 

I understand that now that you know you can't just pretend like you don't - but you also need to think carefully about the possible consequences of telling your mother or speaking to your father - your parents split up, the family business is wound down or broken up, yours, your brothers and your parents source of income is gone or severely diminished .... but quite honestly I don't know what I would do if I was in your position.

[mintjulep]

You found out because you read emails that were not yours to read.

It doesn't matter how she found out. One of the first rules of doing anything "dirty" (lying, cheating, laundering money) is to not leave an f-ing paper trail. Regardless of how she found out, her father is still the one doing dirty deals, not her. Besides, it doesn't say, "I hacked into my dad's computer" or "His email page was on the screen so I couldn't help myself and guessed his password." You don't know how exactly she found them, so lay off.

 

I'm not condoning his affairs, but trying to nip anymore "you shouldn't have been snooping" posts in the bud.

 

As for the original poster, I agree that you should talk to your dad. He's being a little hypocritical, and you deserve to know what's going on. Since you say they've been happily married for so long, I assume that this is the man who raised you and gave you your foundation for moral standards. What a joke! It's definitely become your business. As for your mom...I agree that the news should come from your father, but I think bella is right that it should come sooner than later. I think on some levels, most women suspect affairs (as bluechocolate suggested), but if you say they are just emotional affairs...well, maybe the signs aren't so blatant.

 

If your parents split up, or the business goes down it's your father's fault. Not yours. That's a load of crap, and you are not nine - you are an adult - and so is he. If he can't keep it in his pants (or whatever), it's nobody's fault but his own, and I can't believe someone would even insinuate that by finding those emails everything could potentially be your fault.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by mintjulep

It doesn't matter how she found out. One of the first rules of doing anything "dirty" (lying, cheating, laundering money) is to not leave an f-ing paper trail. Regardless of how she found out, her father is still the one doing dirty deals, not her. Besides, it doesn't say, "I hacked into my dad's computer" or "His email page was on the screen so I couldn't help myself and guessed his password." You don't know how exactly she found them, so lay off.

 

I'm not condoning his affairs, but trying to nip anymore "you shouldn't have been snooping" posts in the bud.

 

As for the original poster, I agree that you should talk to your dad. He's being a little hypocritical, and you deserve to know what's going on. Since you say they've been happily married for so long, I assume that this is the man who raised you and gave you your foundation for moral standards. What a joke! It's definitely become your business. As for your mom...I agree that the news should come from your father, but I think bella is right that it should come sooner than later. I think on some levels, most women suspect affairs (as bluechocolate suggested), but if you say they are just emotional affairs...well, maybe the signs aren't so blatant.

 

If your parents split up, or the business goes down it's your father's fault. Not yours. That's a load of crap, and you are not nine - you are an adult - and so is he. If he can't keep it in his pants (or whatever), it's nobody's fault but his own, and I can't believe someone would even insinuate that by finding those emails everything could potentially be your fault.

 

Just hold on a second - I never said - "you shouldn't have been snooping". He/she read emails on his/her fathers computer therefore they were not hers to read - that is a fact, and I never said that the business splitting up would be their fault, just that they are consequences of revealing this information that he/she may not have thought about - so what's the "laying off" business for? I also said that I understood that now that you know you can't pretend you don't. How about you just answer the post and leave me and your interpretations of what I said out of it?

[yes]

If I were you, I wouldn't talk to anybody in the family about it. Some marriages are like that - family man at home, having fun on business trips. If it's been working - oh well!

 

If it's too difficult to hold it in though, speak to a counsellor or priest about it (someone confidential who has nothing to do with your family).

 

best of luck,

-yes

[TELL]

Sorry man, but I'd soooo be saying something to someone. Go ahead and everybody slam me, but I've been there and done that...had an affair with a married man for four years. Stop the cycle. Your mom deserves better and deserves to know. I don't know where anyone gets off by saying otherwise. You would want to know if your daughter found out that her father/your husband were cheating wouldn't you? Your mom is the *utmost* victim, keep this in your mind.

[mintjulep]

How about you just answer the post and leave me and your interpretations of what I said out of it?

Because that's how discussions foster, and because I saw a flaw in your advice - otherwise I wouldn't have posted because it's almost completely unnecessary to respond if you're just going to say "Yeah, what so-and-so said." I thought your post was harsh and, basically, I got tired of listening to some of the posters here judge other posters. You were the second poster to imply that she should not have read the emails (and I quote "You found out because you read emails that were not yours to read"). Even though you later say that you understand she can't ignore this, you add a but. Any form of but or however implies that the opposing view is actually what you believe to be true.

 

I did respond to the original poster, and I responded to you, because I did feel that your post was a little too insensitive and critical, and needed to be addressed for the poster's benefit. I apologize if the "lay off" sounded so harsh, but I was fed up with reading so many judgmental posts last night, and it was meant for all of the posts that sounded critical (not just in this thread, which is why I'm sorry - the harsh words should not have appeared directed at you.)

[She's Come Undone]

I would give your father an opportunity to come clean. You may find out that your mother knows more than she would have you believe, as this kind of thing is generally kept from the children.

 

I feel that keeping silent is only going to bring undue stress to your life, and possibly lead to strong resentment toward your father when he may or may not deserve it. Eventually your reactions towards him will relay the underlying truth that you are keeping inside.

 

If you are uncertain how to approach him by all means get a professional opinion first. Write down what you want to say, and try not to be defensive.

[bluechocolate]

mintjulep

 

(and I quote "You found out because you read emails that were not yours to read").

 

is that not the truth?

 

If you want to foster discussion it would be more helpful to directly quote someone and refute what they've said rather than put your own interpretation on someone elses words and then go on to attempt to deconstruct their post in such a critical manner.

 

Even though you later say that you understand she can't ignore this, you add a but. Any form of but or however implies that the opposing view is actually what you believe to be true

 

huh? but or however can mean more than what you say - read the entire sentence before putting words in other peoples mouths

 

otherwise - apology accepted.

 

 

sorry guest - this has nothing to do with your original post -I should have waited for the post by yes and said "ditto".

[DayumQuitPlayin]

If i wuz ta find out sumthn like that.. i wouldnt jus pretend not to have discovered it. Wut he'z doin iz betrayin her trust. She has the right to kno. If you happened to have found out tha truth.. wait some time... seriously think about it.. tell one of ur close friends about it.. and see wut he/she would suggest.. and jus talk about it.. then if you decide to.. I would say that you confront ur dad. Tell him that you have found out about wut he'z bin doin... and dont accuse him of nething.. jus let him kno that u found out.. and ask him if its tru. Then tell him that you feel he has to let your mom kno.. that its only right if he does. Dont tell him that you're goin to tell ya mom.. othawise he'll feal as if you tryin to over-power him. Jus let him kno that all that he has bin doin.. has caught up to him.. n now its time for him to start making some decisions.

 

Best of lucc to u

[Bill]

You need to speak to your dad, both you and your brother. Let him know that you will not tolerate this behavior.

[lilbitcalifornIA]

i'm sorry to hear about your situation, however it happens. my parents have been married for nearly 27 years but my mother has been cheating on my father for many years with another married man. i have approached her about it and let her know that it's not going unnoticed, but i was tired of her lies because my father is a good man and deserves her undivided attention for all that they have been through together. it was pretty difficult letting her know that i knew. like you, i found e-mails, but i also found her "calendar of events" where she expressly wrote out on certain days what she did with this man, and where. she was also going as far as giving him money...my father's money (since she wasn't working). the moment that i chose to approach her was very bad timing. i had just come home from a bar and my parents were asleep in their room. suddenly i heard her yelling at him about him dreaming about one of her friends. this was an assumption, but i wouldn't blame him because she was a pretty woman! they got really loud about their arguing and i was tired of hearing it so i went in to tell them to be quiet because others were trying to sleep. she got mad and yelled at me about my dad's "dreams." that's when i spilled the beans & told her that she's not exactly kosher with her actions, and she tried denying it...then she tried to shift the blame like a typical guilty person. i had all the proof that i needed...e-mails, calendar entries, overhearing phone calls, the works! because of her infidelity i no longer have a relationship with her because i don't want a lying, decietful leech as a mother. instead of leaving him, she stays with him and continues to cheat while my father supports her and helps her fund her "man on the side"'s new car. i wish you the best and you will find your way to deal with it, i'm sure. mine is extreme, and i hope that one of you will do the right thing. it's not something we imagine our parents doing...especially not that far into their marriage. something must be really wrong for it to go on in the first place and it's not really your place to know the problem. since you know about the infidelity, that's something separate and it has become your business whether you like it or not. it's up to you what you want to do with the information. can you look your father in the eye and see the honorable man you saw before you found out? good luck.

[scottskerik1973]

I believe your father should be confronted. Giving him the chance to tell your mom and face the consequinces. Who cares if he gets pissed. Anybody who has the balls(or whatever you call it) to commit adultry and hurt people has (in my opinion) asked for anybody or anything to happen to them. I know I would have loved for somebody to have told me. I sure as hell will tell anybody that I love or respect. I would also stand beside and support your mother through this.

[shelbel27]

I've been there and done that with my in laws. Seemed that they were one big happy family too. My father in law was cheating with some flake. We got involved (hubby and me) told his mom thinking that she needed to know this......she got mad at him (her hubby), cried, and then EVERYBODY was mad at us for causing such a bad situation. My advice to you....confront your dad. Tell him that what he is doing is not fair. Just try not to be brutal. Be and act concerned. He may listen or maybe not...can't hurt to try. Don't make the mistake we did. It wasn't worth it.

[Bobbie]

you're between the proverbial ROCK AND A HARD PLACE...so don't go there is my advice.

 

Let them sort out their own problems, and firmly tell them to keep you out of it, is my advice.

[jmargel]

Well you just got alot of advice, ranging from one extreme to another. What I find weird is most people on here & in general would want to know if their spouse is cheating, yet they are telling you not to say anything to anyone.

 

My advice would be to have a heart to heart with your dad. Tell him you know all about it. That he's hurt you alot, and this family alot. But that you know the whole family can get through it together if he comes clean with your mom. That is his responsibility to tell her, and it shouldnt be weighted on your shoulders. He might deny it at first or come up with excuses, don't fall for it. Last thing he wants to admit to is disappointing everybody and living a lie. It might be easier for him to tell her if you were there. Your family is going to go through alot, but the best you can do is talk to him. It all has to start somewhere.

[Healing]

I was actually looking up "children of adulterers" and found your post... weird. I've never posted on this site, but I felt i had to respond. I have had a very similar situation to you. I discovered that my dad, who traveled a lot, was having an affair by reading his e-mails. Was it wrong for me to read them? Yes. It was the first and last time I ever did it. I do believe, though, that everything happens for a reason.

 

I confronted my dad within a few days of it happening, which was the second hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I was eighteen at the time, and it shattered my whole world. I told him he had to tell my mom. He said that he would, but that i would have to trust him on the timing, and let him do it in his own way. He also said that he would never talk to or see the woman again. I would NEVER have thought my dad would do this (cheat), and so i trusted him.

 

A year later, I suspected he had still not told my mom. During that year, I experienced SEVERE depression, chronic anxiety, and a total fallout. I've had lots of things happen in my life (best friend died, cancer in the family, etc.), but this was like a festering wound. Betrayal's like that. It doesn't heal with time like other wounds. Some people have asked me, "What's the big deal about your dad having an affair. Just get over it." What they don't understand is that you feel like you can't trust anything people say or do, or that you "never really know." It tends to permeate a lot of your realtionships.

 

Finally, I confronted my dad and told him now or never. He told me he'd told her already, and since they briefly separated around that time, I thought the two were connected. He told me not to tell her i knew, because she would be really hurt i was involved (was I SO stupid to believe him? sometimes we believe what we want to...) Then, to make a long story short, my mom was hinting around to me (now 23 years old) that my dad was having an affair, so i told her i knew about "jane" (not real name). She said, "jane," I only knew about "mary." Apparently, it turns out that my dad had over SIX years of affairs, with two different women. Two years by the time i found out, and four years after. THAT was the "first" hardest thing i've ever done. She was devestated, and immediately filed for divorce.

 

So, what's my advice in all this? After years of pain, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, dysfunctional relationships, feeling isolated from my family, and not being as close with my mom (how could I?), the truth came out, as it ALWAYS does. Should i have just told my mom earlier? Maybe, maybe not. Things happened the way i happened. We were both equipped to handle the situation when we did. As an 18 year old who was VERY close to her mom, I literally just could NOT tell her. I couldn't imagine that situation.

 

Things do get better though, and they did for me. Truth was what we all needed to start healing. I didn'nt speak to my dad once for six months. He lied to me too much for me to even speak with him. But we're on the path to reapairing our relationship. Just know this... it WILL come out, somehow, and I think the sooner the better. It will save you and your mom a lot of useless pain and suffering.

[JackSinghsDaughter]

I just found out about Jack Singh's affair - my biological father; he travels a lot on business and spends half his time in London, U.K, and the other half in Canada with my mom and us. My mom had been suspecting that something was fishy for quite some time. He would make unscheduled trips that she would find out about by accident. He would deny it or say that he bought the ticket for his friend, etc.

 

He would yell at my mom and say that she was crazy, but he had apparently cheated 10 years ago. She says she can tell when his behaviour becomes extra demeaning.

 

Well, I always trusted Jack and told my mom that he wouldn't cheat on her. Well, he left an email printed out by mistake that I found on Father's Day when cleaning up our computer room. He had booked a trip from the U.K. to Italy with his girlfriend for that weekend. Funny thing is, when my brother wanted to go visit him on Father's day weekend in the U.K., Jack yelled at my mother and me as to why my brother had to pick this weekend of all weekends.

 

All day, my brothers and I tried to contact him to wish him a Happy Father's Day but his cell phone was off. My other brother, who is in Taiwan, tried to reach him all day too. Neither of my brothers knew about my mother's suspicions.

 

I left a 2nd msg on Father's day to call me. When he called me, he denied everything. Well, meanwhile I had verified his trip and a couple of other inconsistencies. He said I was mistaken, and that he had been in Scotland. I asked him how the weather had been in Scotland (it had been raining the entire weekend according to various on-line weather reports); he said the weather was sunny and cold the entire time. When I asked him who the person was on the itinerary, he hung up.

 

He called me a couple of days later and said that his travel agent sent the e-ticket to the wrong address. Big lie. Ticket was booked on-line directly through airline website. I'm in Sales and know how plane, hotel, and car reservations work. I managed to get confirmation of his love nest.

 

I hired a private investigator and found out that he had been having an affair with this woman for several years taking her around the world and showing her a grand time.

 

He continues to say the travel agent made a mistake but he doesn't realize the evidence I have about other trips when he was out of town. I have credit card receipts, car rental, and hotel information. I have even spoken to third party people, pretending to be a friend of the girlfriend and Jagdish Singh. Through them, I have obtained additional corroberation.

 

My father put my mother and I through a hard time the last 15 years. He spent money that we did not have and ran up credit card debts. He was fired twice from different jobs (never his fault of course!) and has had me spend all my spare time putting his court cases together while he jaunts around the world with this woman staying at 5-star hotels.

 

The last time Jack took us anywhere was more than 5 years ago. Whenever we went anywhere, we always stayed in cheap motels. He always drove, never flew us anywhere. For the last 5 years I have been working non-stop and helping my mother pay down his debts so that she wouldn't lose the house. I have spent every year's vacation time researching his court cases while the bastard has been out enjoying himself. My mother, brothers and I scrimp so much and agonize over going out while this old fart is wining and dining his girlfriend.

 

I'm 30 years old; my brothers are 23 and 24 now. Jack is 64 years old. It hurts so much that this family has been treated like servants while his girlfriend is the "mistress of the house".

 

But we are better off knowing how we are valued and thought of, than to deceive ourselves. Obviously, Jack never loved us - only used us for emotional and monetary reasons.

 

He is still denying the adultery since he thinks we have only the plane receipts. Had the adultery not been true, he would have yelled at us, but now he is quiet.

 

Your mother should know. Who knows what diseases she may get from a man stupid enough to cheat. You also need to let her know so that she can protect herself financially. Your father may decide to empty the accounts, run up the line of credits, mortgage the house, and then leave your mother for his new girlfriend, anyway.

 

If your father wants to cheat, then he should learn that there are consequences.

 

Good luck to you - whatever you do, cannot be easy and I understand how hurt you are.