Engaged but not confident I can be faithful

[elleorbianca]

So I'm engaged to the love of my life. I've never previously cheated in a relationship. But now I'm not sure if I can live life without the newness of a first kiss for the rest of my life. Forever is such a long time.

 

I was traveling out of the country last week and let a fellow traveler kiss me. It was so thrilling that I wonder if I will seek that out in the future. I am very happy with my fiance, but I feel like my personality loves newness and adventure and maybe that means that I will seek out another thrill if some time goes by and I get bored.

 

Is this a normal reaction to the idea of lifelong monogamy (since I've never felt this way before) or should I consider breaking it off with my fiance if I'm not sure if I can be what he wants me to be?

 

Also, if anyone has experience/ tips on learning to not desire that feeling, it would be appreciated. Should I go to counceling?

[shadowofman]

Same boat. I've sworn off monogamous relationships. I understand this will leave me likely never having the stability of a relationship (something else I enjoy), but ultimately I prefer the freedom to have newness. Maybe one day I will find someone more like me.

[Eeyore79]

You've already cheated on your fiance and you're not even married yet. Perhaps you should rethink the wedding, and maybe get some counseling? Maybe you're just not the type who is capable of commitment, in which case you may need to rethink your whole relationship. In any case, you need to talk to your fiance and tell him you cheated on him.

[musemaj11]

You sound like the kind of person who needs to sow your wild oats first before making a long term commitment with someone.

 

But if you think about it, you are a woman. If you married your fiance and you got bored of him after 10 years, you could just walk out and take half of his money with you also.

 

Doesnt sound like a bad deal.

[What_Next]

Yikes, PLEASE call off the marriage. You are not ready for a marriage.

[Afishwithabike]

 

Is this a normal reaction to the idea of lifelong monogamy (since I've never felt this way before) or should I consider breaking it off with my fiance if I'm not sure if I can be what he wants me to be?

 

Also, if anyone has experience/ tips on learning to not desire that feeling, it would be appreciated. Should I go to counceling?

 

Break off the engagement. You're not ready to be married. If you can't remain faithful now before the real stress of married life (buying a home, kids, illnesses, family squabbles, problems at work) has taken its toll on you, you won't remain faithful in the marriage either. Not everyone has to or wants to get married, but it's wrong for you to mislead this man by making him think you're going to be monogamous when you won't be.

[elleorbianca]

In any case, you need to talk to your fiance and tell him you cheated on him.

 

...but it's wrong for you to mislead this man by making him think you're going to be monogamous when you won't be.

I've already told him. I told him right when I got back to the states. He's upset with me but seems more upset with the other man. He wants to move forward.

 

I told him he should be upset with me but he even got mad at me for being more upset at myself than at the other guy. (After it happened, I didn't yell at the other guy like he wanted me to, I just slinked into the corner of the bar with my friend and cried about my indiscretion). The truth is that the guy kissed me unexpectedly, so maybe that's why he isn't as upset with me as one would expect. I didn't seek out to kiss the guy. But I feel very guilty because I enjoyed it instead of pushing him away/ getting angry. Plus I obviously put myself in the position to get kissed.

 

He seems to think I'm putting too much responsibility on myself and less responsibility on this guy. But I just don't understand that position. I'm the one in the relationship. My fiance says that my ring is huge and this guy shouldn't have been disrespectful as he must have known I was engaged. I see it as all my responsibility. But somehow my fiance says that it makes him trust me less that I am not upset with the guy and more upset with myself. I don't really understand his logic.... but that's what it is.

[make me believe]

I don't really believe in "cold feet" being normal before getting married. I think if you're feeling anything other than excitement for your marriage & your future together, you should listen to your feelings. Especially if you are actually questioning your ability to be monogomous and faithful. You opened Pandora's box by kissing that guy, and once you do that it can be hard to close. It's concerning that a couple of kisses with a stranger are more exciting to you than the prospect of marrying your fiance. You should definitely not ignore those feelings.

 

I feel like my personality loves newness and adventure and maybe that means that I will seek out another thrill if some time goes by and I get bored.

 

Honestly, I think that once you are living the life of a single woman, having random hookups and "adventures" won't be nearly as exciting as it seems in your mind right now. BUT it would be a million times worse to marry your fiance knowing that you have these feelings. If you are worried about cheating on him before you're even married (and of course coupled with the fact that you DID cheat on him), well, that's not likely to make for a happy or healthy marriage. Break up with him, sow your wild oats, and hope that you don't regret throwing away the man that you describe as the love of your life.

[elleorbianca]

Break up with him, sow your wild oats, and hope that you don't regret throwing away the man that you describe as the love of your life.

 

But I don't want to sow my wild oats

 

I just want to be with him (yes I'm excited about the prospect) and still be able to flirt with other people once in a while. These are my desires, not necessarily what I think I can do in reality.

 

I'm being honest. I think when people are engaged or courting, they lie to themselves. Then 10 years later when they cheat, they tell themselves that they never saw it coming. I always acknowledge my part in the actions around me so I am just trying to explore that a little more to figure out how to deal with those feelings when they come. If I can acknowledge something before hand, I'll be more equipped to prevent anything bad from happening in the future.

 

I'm not sure if I actually feel different from most engaged people, or I am one of the few to acknowledge those feelings. I've always been very critical of myself and introspective. I want to explore all my feelings before I make a lifelong commitment. I don't think exploring those feelings is an automatic indicator that I should not be married.

 

My fiance actually doesn't consider what happened "cheating" because basically what happened was that I was out drinking with friends and fellow travelers. I mention drinking and the environment not to make an excuse, but to let you guys know why were were talking so closely- the noise of the bar. I was talking with him about a pretty neutral subject (grad school) and HE just kissed me on the lips. I didn't kiss back (because of the nature of the kiss- a peck). So technically, my fiance considers what I did bad judgment (being around a guy who I should have been able to tell was attracted to me), not cheating.

 

What makes me feel guilty was my feelings about it while it was happening and directly afterwards. While it was happening to my drunk self, it felt good. And afterwards, I didn't push him away/ get upset. Those were bad choices. I've decided that in the future, I will try not to be in close proximity for too long times with men who I know are attracted to me or vice versa. But as most young women of reasonable attractiveness know, that's difficult to do. I also will try to control my drinking so my inhibitions aren't so lowered to the point where I would allow this to happen.

 

I just remember trying to tell this guy something and him kissing my lips and me feeling good and confused and being too frozen to do anything about it. Some time passed and I went in to tell him that we were headed out to another location/ bar and while replying to me, he did it again. Once more, me: frozen, feeling good and confused.

 

I obviously made poor judgment and it felt good. It's terrible that a drunken peck would make rethink my relationship. To some, that would mean that my relationship must be weak. But if you know me, you would know that I just like to think and analyze things. That has helped me make good decisions in the past and hopefully that means I will make a good decision about my marriage and my future.

 

I still appreciate all your feedback. I just wanted to let you guys know the full situation. It wasn't a random makeout session. Some guy gave me a peck on the lips and the fact that I liked it instead of being repulsed is what is giving me pause.

[princessmermaid]

I think you and your fiance should talk this out a good bit more before deciding if/how to proceed. Take some credit for evaluating your feelings and using your skills in thinking forward. There are plenty of couples out there to whom a kiss here or there is no big deal. There are many others who become frightened and very judgmental about such small displays of affection unless they are bestowed upon family. (Interesting how some people would call "cheating" what they wouldn't call "incest" coming from Aunt Betty at Thanksgiving.)

 

The kiss sounds like no big deal. The worry about not seeking excitement again is where the big deal is. IMO, a lot fewer people are actually predisposed toward lifelong monogamy than we like to think. Our culture is ridden with guilt and shame for people who do not fit our social norms, just like people have been biased against gays. Maybe you are not strictly a monogamist. There are worse problems to have. If so, taking time to "sow your wild oats" seems unlikely to make any difference.

 

So talk to your guy, gently and over time, but not taking so much time that your wedding date is approaching. Pose some what-ifs. What if it happened again? What if you took a fancy to someone you'd like to invite over to an innocent game of strip-to-undershorts poker? You might find that he is among the (at least) 30% of adults who have some interest outside the marriage. You might find that he'd like a little adventure now and then, too, and that it'd keep your relationship vibrant and sexy. And if you're really lucky, you might find where the hard-and-fast line is in him that must not be crossed (is kissing okay, but no tongues? nudity, but no genitalia showing? stimulation but no penetration?). The more you talk about this NOW, the better you will be to make a confident decision on your wedding day, and the better you set yourselves up to communicate clearly and openly and with trust in the future. That's important. That (more than self-denial and shame) is what will keep a relationship together.

[lordWilhelm]

I'm concerned that after he kissed you, instead of establishing firm boundaries and telling him you are engaged etc., you thought it felt good and continued to hang out with this guy. Clearly your reaction didn't discourage him, because the guy did it a second time. Also, I find it particularly troubling that you said that you would like to be able to flirt with other men in the future so it doesn't seem to me that you are particularly regretful or guilty...

Edited July 8, 2011 by lordWilhelm

[OldOnTheInside]

Just be completely honest with you fiance about all of this. If something does happen, you can't say that you didn't give him sufficient warning. Not that it will make him feel better. Honestly, just think about all your options, if monogamy isn't for you than it isn't for you. No need to drag him around with you.

 

Or you could go with the dishonesty route, sleep around and pull...

 

But if you think about it, you are a woman. If you married your fiance and you got bored of him after 10 years, you could just walk out and take half of his money with you also.

...this off. You'd probably gain more in the long run with this.

[elleorbianca]

Just be completely honest with you fiance about all of this. If something does happen, you can't say that you didn't give him sufficient warning. Not that it will make him feel better. Honestly, just think about all your options, if monogamy isn't for you than it isn't for you. No need to drag him around with you.

 

Or you could go with the dishonesty route, sleep around and pull...

 

...this off. You'd probably gain more in the long run with this.

Too late for dishonesty... already spoke to him about it

[elleorbianca]

I think you and your fiance should talk this out a good bit more before deciding if/how to proceed. Take some credit for evaluating your feelings and using your skills in thinking forward. There are plenty of couples out there to whom a kiss here or there is no big deal. There are many others who become frightened and very judgmental about such small displays of affection unless they are bestowed upon family. (Interesting how some people would call "cheating" what they wouldn't call "incest" coming from Aunt Betty at Thanksgiving.)

 

The kiss sounds like no big deal. The worry about not seeking excitement again is where the big deal is. IMO, a lot fewer people are actually predisposed toward lifelong monogamy than we like to think. Our culture is ridden with guilt and shame for people who do not fit our social norms, just like people have been biased against gays. Maybe you are not strictly a monogamist. There are worse problems to have. If so, taking time to "sow your wild oats" seems unlikely to make any difference.

 

So talk to your guy, gently and over time, but not taking so much time that your wedding date is approaching. Pose some what-ifs. What if it happened again? What if you took a fancy to someone you'd like to invite over to an innocent game of strip-to-undershorts poker? You might find that he is among the (at least) 30% of adults who have some interest outside the marriage. You might find that he'd like a little adventure now and then, too, and that it'd keep your relationship vibrant and sexy. And if you're really lucky, you might find where the hard-and-fast line is in him that must not be crossed (is kissing okay, but no tongues? nudity, but no genitalia showing? stimulation but no penetration?). The more you talk about this NOW, the better you will be to make a confident decision on your wedding day, and the better you set yourselves up to communicate clearly and openly and with trust in the future. That's important. That (more than self-denial and shame) is what will keep a relationship together.

Thanks alot for this. We have spoken about our boundaries, but not exactly in extreme detail.

 

Before this incident, he said flirting was ok and sexy dancing was fine, but "nothing further". I guess we didn't exactly establish what he considers "further". I think I would like to ask him about some of your examples like strip poker etc to see what he says.

 

When we discussed the kiss, he said that this act of kissing wasn't a huge deal to him but what bothered him was my reaction and not establishing boundaries like another poster said.

 

Hmmm looks like we have more talking to do.

 

Everyone, thanks for all your suggestions so far.

[OldOnTheInside]

Too late for dishonesty... already spoke to him about it

 

Everything? Including that you are not confident that you can be faithful? His choice to stay with you then.

 

Hmmm looks like we have more talking to do.

Smart. More than what a lot of other couples do.

[elleorbianca]

Everything? Including that you are not confident that you can be faithful? His choice to stay with you then.

Well I told him that I liked the excitement and I would want more in the future. I didn't tell him that I wanted more with other people exactly, which in reality is not a requirement. But I did say that if we don't get more excitement within the relationship, I wasn't sure how comfortable I was committing to it for the rest of my life.

 

We started to discuss how we (I) would get that excitement including some games I've been asking him to play (like watching him flirt with other women) that he never followed through with, but had said in the past that he would do. And some ways of him turning me on (showed him a video of what I like... teasing, building tension etc).

 

Honestly, I don't think he took me seriously before when I told him I wanted to do more exciting things/ be more adventurous and I wanted him to learn how to make me really want him, but now he does take it seriously. So in a way, this has turned out well.

 

After watching this video that I showed him, he pretty much had me screaming in anticipation before sex (like I've always wanted) so we are making progress.

 

Right after the incident happened, I told my friend who was with me that nothing was missing in the relationship, that I just had a moment of bad judgment. I guess after talking it out with my fiance, I realize there was something missing. And for me, lack of excitement and newness is not something that I can accept as normal decline in a relationship. I finally know this about myself and I did make it clear to my fiance and I think he's on board. We just have to spell out the boundaries within which we will get our excitement and newness.

[elleorbianca]

Update: we've discussed everything and we both have a 4x per year heavy flirting hall pass.

 

I don't think I'll use it that often. I only feel the need for excitement about once every 2 years. Glad we worked through this and I didn't keep my concerns to myself.

 

Being honest with yourself and your partner can do wonders, even after a mistake.

[make me believe]

That's great that you guys could talk about it so openly & honestly! Your agreement sounds kinda strange to me though -- did you guys define "heavy flirting"? What measures are you each going to take make sure that the heavy flirting doesn't turn into something more, either physically or emotionally? I know it's none of my business but I'm just curious because this seems like such a slippery slope to me. Are either of you worried about what if you develop an interest in your flirting partner that never would have happened if you hadn't indulged in that kind of behavior with them and had instead kept appropriate boundaries? I think that would be my main worry with an arrangement like this.

[elleorbianca]

That's great that you guys could talk about it so openly & honestly! Your agreement sounds kinda strange to me though -- did you guys define "heavy flirting"? What measures are you each going to take make sure that the heavy flirting doesn't turn into something more, either physically or emotionally? I know it's none of my business but I'm just curious because this seems like such a slippery slope to me. Are either of you worried about what if you develop an interest in your flirting partner that never would have happened if you hadn't indulged in that kind of behavior with them and had instead kept appropriate boundaries? I think that would be my main worry with an arrangement like this.

Boundaries:

 

Has to be someone we don't see on a regular basis. No coworkers etc

Only happens once a season with people we don't know so no chance to develop feelings

If things are getting too physically close, move away

 

We went over specific physical boundaries that we are ok with and which ones not to cross

[KathyM]

So I'm engaged to the love of my life. I've never previously cheated in a relationship. But now I'm not sure if I can live life without the newness of a first kiss for the rest of my life. Forever is such a long time.

 

I was traveling out of the country last week and let a fellow traveler kiss me. It was so thrilling that I wonder if I will seek that out in the future. I am very happy with my fiance, but I feel like my personality loves newness and adventure and maybe that means that I will seek out another thrill if some time goes by and I get bored.

 

Is this a normal reaction to the idea of lifelong monogamy (since I've never felt this way before) or should I consider breaking it off with my fiance if I'm not sure if I can be what he wants me to be?

 

Also, if anyone has experience/ tips on learning to not desire that feeling, it would be appreciated. Should I go to counceling?

Sounds like you're not ready to get married and be tied down to one person. It would be a shame to lose the love of your life while you're trying to find yourself. Counseling would be a good idea for you to get your head straight. Tell the fiance you love him, but you're not quite ready to settle down yet. If, after counseling, you still have those feelings of wanting new experiences, then you'd be wise to call off the engagement. You're not ready to settle down with one man. When you are seriously in love with one person, you wouldn't want to kiss somebody else. It would feel like a betrayal and you wouldn't want to hurt the one you love.

[lordWilhelm]

Even if you talked it out with your fiance and he seems to have participated in setting some sort of boundaries, to my mind the problem is that you feel the need to go outside the relationship to get excitement. I think over time, with this frame of mind, you'll end up seeing your marriage as dull/monotonous and start associating excitement with strangers. Given that you've already said that you don't know whether you'll be able to stay monogamous, I can easily see one of these "heavy flirting" sessions going wrong...

 

Different things work for different people, so I don't want to judge too much. But it just seems to me like you're trying to keep pushing the edge of what is acceptable to your fiance, and I don't think this is going to lead to a healthy, long-term relationship.

[Afishwithabike]

Even if you talked it out with your fiance and he seems to have participated in setting some sort of boundaries, to my mind the problem is that you feel the need to go outside the relationship to get excitement. I think over time, with this frame of mind, you'll end up seeing your marriage as dull/monotonous and start associating excitement with strangers. Given that you've already said that you don't know whether you'll be able to stay monogamous, I can easily see one of these "heavy flirting" sessions going wrong...

 

Different things work for different people, so I don't want to judge too much. But it just seems to me like you're trying to keep pushing the edge of what is acceptable to your fiance, and I don't think this is going to lead to a healthy, long-term relationship.

 

I agree.

 

The original poster is STARTING off her married life already looking forward to excitement from outside the marriage. I could understand, though not agree, if after maybe 15 or 20 years of marriage she wanted to have a heavy flirting pass, but at the start of the marriage when you're in your honeymoon period and the most in love? Not a good sign for long-term success.

 

What if the heavy flirting happens at a time when your relationship is on a low point or one of you has a lot of resentment against the other for whatever reason? You go out for a drink, find an attractive stranger, flirt heavily and who knows what may happen from then on.

 

OP - where I live there's a very rocky beach that looks great in photos. It's not a good place to swim. There are signs warning people not to swim, but every year there are locals and visitors who ignore the warning signs. They go past the barriers to the dangerous areas. They get caught up in the beauty of the place and they ignore the dangers. Most of the people who dabble on the edge come out ok, but there have been numerous people over the years who have been swept away to the sea by rogue waves. I'm sure they never thought it could happen to them. I'm of the mindset it's better to avoid the danger rather than tempt fate by being on the edge.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[elleorbianca]

Thanks for your input and warnings everyone.

 

I'm quite happy in my situation now. I'm enjoying my fiancé and all is well. I'm happy and excited by my fiancé so no need for concern about that.

 

What I do find funny, however is that people would be more understanding of someone who gets bored 15 years down the line but not someone who has the foresight to see a possible future problem and tackle it head on. It seems like people encourage victimhood and lack of forsight.

 

Maybe my way of looking at things are not romantic, blind and starry eyes enough for you. I was never a romantic but I did get swept away when I fell in love with my fiancé. I think my way of approaching things is a lot more prone to success than those blindly in love. For example, what does beng in the honeymoon stage have to do with anything? If you aren't getting an arranged marriage then couples should wait until they are no longer caught up in the idea of new love before they make the DECISION to get married. So we have been together for 5 years and things aren't as "crazily exciting" as they used to be. But we love each other deeply and are both mature, honest, insightful and intelligent enough to be TOTALLY honest with ourselves before we get married. I'm under no illusion that he won't be bothered if I get fat, lazy or stop giving him attention and I'm under no delusion of my own needs either. I'm sure love can conquer all but there is no reason to walk into a marriage without completely discussing all the "what ifs" head on instead of using the "I was just so in love so I didn't see this coming" excuse when an issue that you chose to ignore before a marriage comes to a head.

[elleorbianca]

Most men and women will have some attraction for others while they are married. That is completely normal.

 

Folks do not cheat the minute they fantasize about someone else. If that was the case the rate of infidelity would be 100%.

 

To be unfaithful you must have the inclination to be a deceptive liar. Or someone that is a liar, but somehow rationalizes he or she needs to do that for her own well being.

 

If you are an honest person you have nothing to worry about.

 

However, if you are or have been a cheater then you will likely cheat when you get married.

 

Are you doing an experiment on saying exactly what's on your mind or is this related to this thread in some way? If it is, could you be more specific in what you are addressing?