Dumper feeling regret after rebound

[sammyl]

Hi there everyone. I happened upon this site searching for some advice.

I dumped my ex girlfriend a few months ago. I really felt it was over between us about three months before I actually did the deed and ended things. I honestly thought my ex wouldn't take our break up so badly and was shocked and didn't know what to do when she was crying and texting me. I felt terrible and knew I had to be there for her to a certain extent as we had six years together. I just felt like our relationship had come to a stand still and couldn't carry on that way any more.

 

Anyway we have low contact and she seems much better, like her old self again which is great. Shortly after we broke up I ended up having a one night stand which led to the relationship I am now in. I have had a great time with my new girlfriend but I think it's time to end things with her as well. My ex has been getting on with her life and I feel I jumped straight into a new relationship way too soon.

 

I miss my ex and feel she was better for me, more fun, sexier and just ... better in every way. I think I want to start again with her. How on earth do I go about this? First I know I need to dump my new girlfriend and then I need to approach my ex. I am terrified she will turn me down and that I will hate myself for making such a huge mistake.

 

But we HAD to break up when we did, it did her the world of good after all. Now I feel as if I am the one who is suffereing. I really have 'dumper's regret'.

 

There seems to be posts on here that I can relate to:

'dumper's regret'

the one about the guy's girlfriend whose body he has decided he doesn't like and also the one about entering into a rebound relationship too quickly. All apply to me.

Any advice? Am I being rash or is this something that other dumpers have been through?

I have also read lots of advice to the dumpee saying not to take their ex back, to move on. What if my ex has been reading this forum and has chosen to follow that advice?

[Kilty]

From my experience you have probably no chance of a reconciliation now.

 

My experience was i walked away due to not talking to each other enough and getting in a rut.

There wasnt anyone else on my part.

 

Within a week or two i had the "dumpers regret" that you speak of and was going to make contact with her but she had moved on to someone else - and within 2 months got engaged to him and is getting married in 4 weeks time.

 

This is all within 1 year and 4 months after our split.

 

So anyway after finding out she was with someone else i said nothing and went NC

 

Then i found out this guy was 50, had an ex wife and 3 grown up kids and had only recently been engaged to someone that was pregnant by another man.

 

The baby's dad came back on the scene and he was dumped - then proposed to my ex and she accepted

 

He had made advances to her when we were together but she rebuffed them - i found this out after our split.

 

So 4 and a half months after our split i made contact

 

Email at work

 

Texts

 

10 page letter

 

She wasnt interested and told me she was happier than she has ever been and not to contact her again - which i have abided by.

 

I work beside both of them.

 

At times i wished i had just sent the letter and nothing else - but i tried not to look desperate or needy and my initial texts and emails were not exactly cold but i made it out that i wasnt that bothered about the break up

 

The letter was the exact opposite of that - apologies, promises, regrets and told her i wanted her back for good.

 

Nothing worked.

 

The bottom line is after you finish with someone for whatever reason you have a window of no longer than 1 month (maybe less) to have any chance of reconciliation usually.

 

I didnt get that chance as she moved on quickstyle.

 

She will have totally disconnected from you now more than likely.

 

Id say you only have one chance and after that let it go.

 

You send her a letter telling her everything - nothing else. No texts, no emails and no phone calls.

 

And you also better be doing this for the right reasons as to make promises to only get her back then let her down some time in the future would be extremely cruel.

 

You have to acknowledge what went wrong in the relationship and how things could be different.

 

You cannot blame her for anything and have to accept all responsibilty.

 

You have to put it into perspective though that you being with someone else could have killed you off for good.

 

If she still has emotional difficulty and is feeling down or has low self esteem you may have a chance.

 

But you will also be reversing the situation - in that you become the dumpee and she becomes the dumper if she ignores it or says no.

 

Id also tell you that regardless what happens you should do the decent thing with your current girlfriend and finish it.

 

Dont hold out much hope for you but good luck

[FinOuch]

You can rationalize the breakup all you want...but she is not going to share your viewpoint. I've been in this situation (just recently, actually), and while you might feel that you were doing her some favor...she probably won't. She'll likely see you as an *ss, a flake, and completely undeserving of a second chance.

 

First of all, the fact that she's emerged from the breakup a better person doesn't really have anything to do with you. This is normally how a dumpee deals with a breakup; the best way to cope is to work on themselves, rediscover their identity, and find joy in their life **without you in it**. They are not given any other options...and your ex will be very aware of this fact.

If my ex came back into my life and used my self-improvement as some lame excuse as to why the breakup was necessary, I would laugh in his face. Nothing excuses the fact that he chose to walk away from a long standing relationship rather than working through whatever issues he was having.

 

Second, the fact that he immediately got involved with another woman adds insult to injury. You've likely destroyed any trust or desire for a relationship that your ex may have had for you. And the unfortunate reality is that you made these choices, and have to deal with the consequences of that. You may just have to live with your regret while she moves on with her life.

Even if she were willing to take you back...you would have to work incredibly hard to rebuild her trust. If my ex were to walk back into my life (and assuming I didn't slam the door in his face, which I probably would)...he would find me to be completely changed. Not just physically or in an improved-and-independently-happy sort of way...but mostly in how I viewed him.

I would now be exceedingly skeptical of him. It would be branded in the back of my mind that he is capable of not only walking away, but also of immediately replacing me. I would feel like he was settling for me, and in turn would be wondering how long before he kicks me to the curb again. And most importantly...I would view him as incredibly emotionally immature, and thus incapable of a worthwhile lasting relationship.

 

 

So here's the real question: do you really have what it takes to overcome all of that?

Anything short of a resounding "YES, I want her back so badly that I will do whatever it takes" means you should leave the poor girl alone.

 

And if you are thinking that you do want her back that badly, then my suggestion is to spend some time figuring yourself out first. From what you've said...it seems like you jump from relationship to relationship, and that isn't healthy. End your current relationship (for the right reasons - because you know it isn't going anywhere, and NOT because you want someone else), and invest a good amount of time in your own personal growth. You need to figure yourself out.

 

And, in doing this, if you still find that you sincerely want her back...THEN try to re-establish friendship with her. Chances are she isn't wanting/ready for anything more than that with you (nobody wants to be the rebound from the rebound).

From there...if it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, it won't.

Edited July 6, 2011 by FinOuch