sedona Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 My BF of the past 3 years has developed problems sleeping next to me. He wakes up after only about 4 hours of sleep. When he's on his own, then he sleeps fine. He has no explanation - not the physical things like room temp, alcohol/eating late at night, snoring, etc. It's devastating to our relationship. No sex and lots of worries. We both want to work on making this relationship better, but he needs to be able to sleep by my side. I, on the other hand, sleep best when he's next to me. Suggestions? Please? Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 he just developed problems after 3 years? what about before that? Some people take a long time to get used to having someone else beside them in bed, everything from the contact to the temperature can affect someone sleeping as well as if they were alone. But those things normally abate over time, not suddenly develop, and it shouldn't mean you aren't having sex. The two can be exclusive, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sedona Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Yes, you'd think. Turns out he's had problems sleeping for the past year. Before that, he was just fine with me next to him. Again, he has problems only with me so he started wondering why, thinking that this is some sort of internal warning system that something wasn't right with us as a couple. But he couldn't come up with anything wrong. Yet he still couldn't sleep -- when he was with me that is. Because of these thoughts (I think), something went wrong with us sexually. I didn't realize the extent of the problem. I knew he got up early a lot, but I thought that it was because of work. Whenever I asked him if everything was okay with us, he said yes. Until one day he told me no- there's something wrong, but he doesn't know why. We still cuddle and love the touch of each other. For the time being, I've asked him if we just couldn't enjoy that for the time being, start spending more time together, and see a therapist after the summer (not possible to start in the summer holiday months). We both want to save this relationship, but he needs to be able to sleep. And I don't think I could keep up the relationship if we don't sleep next to each other. I'd like to think that I could, but it would hurt me too much. Link to post Share on other sites
lordWilhelm Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 And I don't think I could keep up the relationship if we don't sleep next to each other. I'd like to think that I could, but it would hurt me too much. That's a pretty strong statement. I think the problem is you're making way too big a deal about this. If he can't sleep next to you, why don't you have him sleep on the couch for a while. Perhaps it will just resolve itself with a bit of time and without putting pressure on each other. Also, just to put this in a bigger context, there's couples that have to go long distance for years and they can still stay together. I think part of the issue here is that both of you are attaching too much importance to something that was relatively minor before, but now it's actually becoming a real problem if you're constantly stressed out about it and can't have sex because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sedona Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Yup, thanks. I have thought of the couch solution, and will bring it up. But he has his own house, so I suspect that he'd just want to sleep there and I'd sleep in my house. Up to now, he's stayed with me when I have my kids, and I've stayed with him when I don't. Not sleeping together would involve more than just the sleeping part. It would mean a real separation and change of lifestyle. We don't get to see each other a lot during the day either, so I envision a lot less contact than we've ever had. I agree with you about the sex - totally. But he's the one that can't have sex, not me. What's stressing me is the no sex, uncertainty and the fact that something is bothering him so much and he has no idea why! So last night I woke up several times during the night and checked whether he was woken. Now I'm tired too. Link to post Share on other sites
lordWilhelm Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Ok, so maybe this is not so much about not being able to sleep as much as it is about the amount of time spent together... maybe he wants a bit more space. In either case, I would suggest that you do give him the space he seems to want and try not to put pressure on him. See what his response is after a while -- does he come back to you or is he trying to distance himself from you? Do talk to him about your observations, but not in an accusatory, putting pressure kind of way. Also, if things don't get better after a period of time perhaps you should try to make time for therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
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