Maintaining Privacy From FRIENDS Boyfriend

[Audrina]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I have an issue I could really use help with. My friends boyfriend has openly solicited me to have sex with him behind my friends back, which I told her about and she brushed off - which is fine, it's her relationship.

 

Since then, he's made comments like 'Oh I really wish I could see *insert my name here* boobs", or "Be sure to take sexy pictures of *insert my name here* for me", and my friend laughs it off, but it makes me VERY uncomfortable.

 

I am in a committed relationship and my boyfriend doesn't appreciate his behavior towards me, and neither do I. I've told my friend that the comments her boyfriend makes about me are inappropriate and she just laughs it off, but she doesn't realize how it effects me.

 

Most recently, she gave him her password to Facebook, so he now has access to all my pictures and this REALLY bothers me. I don't want to defriend my friend, and I don't want her to not see my pictures, but I'm not really sure what my options here are.

 

How do I go about approaching this with my friend? I mean just the other day when we went swimming she was telling me she was going to take pictures of me for her boyfriend, I told her no way. She went on to say she was going to take naked pictures of me for her boyfriend and when I sternly told her that under no circumstances was that happening because I have a boyfriend her comeback was - well he can see them too.

 

This is not ok to me.

[vsmini]

Your friend is a total psycho.

 

Now I'm wondering why she has absolutely no problem with you being disrespected by BOTH she and her boyfriend but you're too worried about looking like a meanie and defriending her on FB

 

Dump both this girl and her boyfriend. cut contact. When they get upset and pout you can tell them you warned them but their repeated disrespect got them canned. Sorry.

[Audrina]

Your friend is a total psycho.

 

Now I'm wondering why she has absolutely no problem with you being disrespected by BOTH she and her boyfriend but you're too worried about looking like a meanie and defriending her on FB

 

Dump both this girl and her boyfriend. cut contact. When they get upset and pout you can tell them you warned them but their repeated disrespect got them canned. Sorry.

 

I know she is, lol.

 

I don't know why she has no problem being treated this way by her boyfriend other than every time I bring it up to him or her they laugh it off.

 

It's not that easy for me to cut contact, this is one of my very good friends, but I don't know why she allows herself to be treated this way. But I think I'll have a serious conversation with her about it today and say look I'm not comfortable with this, blah blah blah and see what she says.

[vsmini]

I know she is, lol.

 

I don't know why she has no problem being treated this way by her boyfriend other than every time I bring it up to him or her they laugh it off.

 

It's not that easy for me to cut contact, this is one of my very good friends, but I don't know why she allows herself to be treated this way. But I think I'll have a serious conversation with her about it today and say look I'm not comfortable with this, blah blah blah and see what she says.

 

Sounds like a good idea to me. But please keep in mind that you will be able to tell if she really is a good friend by the way she handles this. If you communicate to her and firmly tell her that you are uncomfortable with this and it has to stop...and she still laughs it off - she isn't worth a damn. Seriously.

 

After you've talked to her, and she (+ her boyfriend) still cross your boundaries - it will then be your fault for putting up with it.

[Audrina]

Sounds like a good idea to me. But please keep in mind that you will be able to tell if she really is a good friend by the way she handles this. If you communicate to her and firmly tell her that you are uncomfortable with this and it has to stop...and she still laughs it off - she isn't worth a damn. Seriously.

 

After you've talked to her, and she (+ her boyfriend) still cross your boundaries - it will then be your fault for putting up with it.

 

I can't disagree with what you've said at all.

 

I mean the truth is, I've allowed this to continue for the sake of my friendship with the woman in question. However, when it comes down to it, she really hasn't been a very good friend to me, especially when it comes down to my current relationship.

 

I'm going to be very firm today and tell her that I'm not comfortable with all this, I know she's going to try to rebut what I'm saying by saying things like 'You tell your boyfriend personal details of my life' but there's a difference between that and sharing personal information including pictures with someone else who has openly hit on you - right?

[Coil]

Simply put these people are NOT your friends. They are acquaintances, as real friends would respect said boundaries. I suggest that you continue your search for real friends.

 

Good luck.

[make me believe]

She is being totally disrespectful to you and I don't know why you want to continue the friendship. Her boyfriend is BEYOND disrespectful & gross -- maybe your boyfriend should have a little talk with him about it. My husband is nice to everyone but he would never stand for some assh*le speaking to or about me that way.

 

If you're not willing to dump your so-called friend, I would at the very least refuse to hang out with her when her bf is going to be there. If she calls & invites you to do something say "hmm idk, is John going to be there? He is? I'll have to pass then." And when she tells you things like she wants naked pics of you to give to him, just be totally appalled and shame her a bit -- like "seriously, Jenny, that is disgusting. You are starting to creep me out as much as your boyfriend does. Wtf is wrong with you guys...???" make her feel totally stupid for suggesting such stupid things & putting up with a guy like that.

 

And yes -- you sharing personal information with your bf is COMPLETELY different than her bf talking about your boobs, wanting naked pics, etc. I mean, in what world is that even remotely similar? Plus I'm sure you would stop sharing personal info if she asked you to, whereas she has made it clear that she won't stop her bf even though you have asked her to.

[Audrina]

I talked to my therapist about it today and she said that I should just tell her I was going to block her on Facebook, which I did and she talked to him and he's pissed but said she could change her password.

 

Luckily for me, this isn't a person (her boyfriend) I have to encounter often, if at all, and truth be told, I would gladly personally tell him off. But I haven't been given that opportunity.

 

As for my friend, she's someone I've known my whole life and has stood by me. She been through hell and back in the last few years and her boyfriend is one of the few people who has stuck by her and supported her. Her decision to be with him is up to her, not me, and I think by continuing to stand up for myself she can see how his behavior towards me is inappropriate. If she chooses to still stay with him, that's her choice, not one I get to make for her.

 

I am going to start to take a firm, much more vocal stance on the whole thing, as I just told her on the phone, my issue isn't with her (she always insists that he's joking but honestly I see through it), it's with him. If they want to joke about banging me privately that's fine, just not to my face. No pictures will be exchanged.

 

I guess it'll just be a slow process and we'll see what happens.

 

I do want to add, I totally understand why you all are telling me to cut her out of my life, however this is someone I've known almost twenty years and it's not so cut and dry. She's just in a misguided place right now, much like I was several years ago. During that time she stood by me and while she was never being disrespected, I'm standing by her, so when it all falls down she has a shoulder to cry on. It doesn't matter how much I don't like her boyfriend or what he does to me, it's her that matters to me.

[PegNosePete]

It doesn't matter how much I don't like her boyfriend or what he does to me, it's her that matters to me.

Well, that has to go both ways. You have to matter to her, too. If she is not prepared to take your feelings seriously then you are not as important to her, as she is to you.

 

I wouldn't just cut contact. I would take it up with her seriously. Tell her that her bf's lack of respect and (more importantly) her not taking it seriously, is forcing a wedge into your friendship. If it continues you will grow apart, and if it still continues it will ruin your friendship.

 

Then if it does continue... well that's life... people do change and drift apart. Maybe when they split up she will come back apologising.

[rafallus]

Indeed. Less than year ago I dumped "friends", whom I known for about two decades, because they grew to be massive dickheads. Panta rhei - if she turns into a dickhead by her bf's influence, you may have no choice.