Domestic Piracy

[amethyste]

Domestic Piracy

That’s how I call it.

These are just some random thoughts, but… I keep reading the stories people post around here, and let me tell you, I think some of them are so sad and scary.

Some people will leave you; that’s just the way life goes. It can happen after one year, after 5 years or after 10+. There isn’t any pattern.

 

You give everything to these people (I don’t talk about material possessions, though that can happen too) – you trust them, they become your best friends, you share your feelings, worries, hopes & fantasies with them – and what do they do? One day they decide to take everything and leave, mostly out of the blue. They’ll leave saying things like: “I need space/ I love you but I’m not in love with you/ It’s not you, it’s me” – you know, cliché lines that won’t offer you any real explanation.

 

I always say that in my opinion the dumpers move on long ago before letting the dumpee know it’s over. From the person they’ve been in love with, you become a stranger. Some will become distant, while others will pretend everything’s okay, but in reality they’re just waiting for the proper moment to tell you it’s over. They’ll break you into pieces, and they won’t even care where the pieces land.

 

Some dumpers will leave you for someone else, or they’ll find someone else soon after the break up. But isn’t it funny how in some of these cases, they’re not even leaving you for someone better? They are not suddenly dating a millionaire or a super-model (to say so); instead they are with someone you’d feel offended to be compared with. And no, this is not the “fox who said that the grapes are sour because she couldn’t reach them” speaking.

 

I can totally understand that not all relationships work, that not everybody is meant to be together – but is it wrong to expect a little bit of decency & sincerity from your partner? Something like: “I don’t think our relationship is working anymore; I’m unhappy because of *blah blah*, what do you think about this? Let’s find a solution, or let’s break up.” After all the time you’ve spent together, is this wrong? It would be better than nothing, and definitely much better than lies & hidden feelings.

 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that all break ups and dumpers are the same, or motivated by the same feelings, but there are cases in which people you thought you knew will leave you without any resentment. My heart goes out to all of you. In what concerns me, maybe I haven’t been the best partner in the world, but I can’t imagine why someone would give up on me. As for you – if you know that your break up was caused by some problems of yours, try to see this as an opportunity to solve those problems, and don’t forget that someone who truly loves you will have your back. And if you consider that you haven’t done anything wrong… well, try not to take your ex-partners actions as an indication of your worth.

[brokendreamz]

Good post amethyste. I've been thinking the same thing recently.

 

After 8 years I really feel let down by her. I have a feeling she was being hit on for a while at work by a bloke way fitter than me and eventually she thought what the hell, I'll jump his bones!

 

I think she's in the honeymoon stage and when the reality of what's gone down hits her or when he cheats on her - he's a playa - she might realise what she's thrown away.

 

I keep telling myself it doesn't matter and I hope that if she does come back for a second chance I'm strong enough to deal with that.

 

8 years down the drain and a huge and painful lesson learnt. It's sad, but I now feel that we all need to keep 20% of ourselves un attached so when this sort of **** hits the fan, we won't be quite so broken!

 

Good luck everyone

[ameriveaux]

Eloquently said! I really could not have said it better myself.

 

After the reality of my last breakup (i have had several failed relationships, but the last one was the most important and biggest one to me) i started to try to piece together the mechanics of why relationships fail and the processes that occurs as the relationship dies.

 

You said it perfectly, in that this is what ive read how much relationships end. It is a shame, and pretty dastardly how it works, because end the end, while the dumper does not mean great amounts of malice in dumping, their actions cause it to be more painful than it needs to be.

 

The root cause of all this is, in my opinion, a mixture of cowardice and selfishness. While there might be some benevolence to the dumpers action, their fundamental emotion disconnect from the dumper really removes any type of true care and concern for the dumper.

 

How can they care, if they have removed you from their life, heart and thoughts emotionally ? At that point, you are no different from peter or a hole in the ground. Any actions that are taken after that disconnect are maid from a purely selfish point a view, because in order for them to progress in their plans- you have to be completely removed from the picture.

 

The issue that needs to be understood here is that- if someone truly loves and wants to continue to be with you- despite problems and issues in the relationship- they will either A) talk to you and let you know of their concerns or B) give you the ultimatum of fixing things or ending the relationship .

 

I cannot stress this point enough. If they -wanted- to stay with you; they will try to find every means under the sun to save the relationship. By them not wanting to save the relationship; they have already decided to end it, and will do whatever needed to kill it. So if you are getting the "cold shoulder" or "distant" behavior from the person, it is pretty much already over.

 

Again, the selfishness and deceit used to end the relationship means the relationship was really already over. Most of the time, they are already living a double life, getting their new partner engrained in their heart , body, and thoughts and when that part has solidified, you are tossed out with remorse. ( i understand there can be some, but not enough to keep you around)

 

 

tl;dr. When someone doesnt want to be with you anymore, they mentally/emotionally "breakup" with you weeks or months before you get the "talk". They can act so cold and give the cliche lines of "it's not you, its me" because they, at that point, dont give a damn about you and your feelings. Its easy to do it at that point.

[amethyste]

@brokendreamz - I forgot about the honeymoon phase! I don't wanna sound mean, but I think people get what they deserve (including us) - and everyone deserves a lesson. The idea of being with someone I can't fully trust scares me, but apparently I have to be prepared for something like this.

 

@ameriveaux - I agree with the fact that the dumpers (most of them) end up in a point where they don't give a damn about your feelings, that's how estranged they are. Same with the double life - most of them will make plans for a future without you, while still in a relationship with you.

 

It's such a shame...

[Gack]

Domestic Piracy

That’s how I call it.

These are just some random thoughts, but… I keep reading the stories people post around here, and let me tell you, I think some of them are so sad and scary.

Some people will leave you; that’s just the way life goes. It can happen after one year, after 5 years or after 10+. There isn’t any pattern.

 

You give everything to these people (I don’t talk about material possessions, though that can happen too) – you trust them, they become your best friends, you share your feelings, worries, hopes & fantasies with them – and what do they do? One day they decide to take everything and leave, mostly out of the blue. They’ll leave saying things like: “I need space/ I love you but I’m not in love with you/ It’s not you, it’s me” – you know, cliché lines that won’t offer you any real explanation.

 

I always say that in my opinion the dumpers move on long ago before letting the dumpee know it’s over. From the person they’ve been in love with, you become a stranger. Some will become distant, while others will pretend everything’s okay, but in reality they’re just waiting for the proper moment to tell you it’s over. They’ll break you into pieces, and they won’t even care where the pieces land.

 

Some dumpers will leave you for someone else, or they’ll find someone else soon after the break up. But isn’t it funny how in some of these cases, they’re not even leaving you for someone better? They are not suddenly dating a millionaire or a super-model (to say so); instead they are with someone you’d feel offended to be compared with. And no, this is not the “fox who said that the grapes are sour because she couldn’t reach them” speaking.

 

I can totally understand that not all relationships work, that not everybody is meant to be together – but is it wrong to expect a little bit of decency & sincerity from your partner? Something like: “I don’t think our relationship is working anymore; I’m unhappy because of *blah blah*, what do you think about this? Let’s find a solution, or let’s break up.” After all the time you’ve spent together, is this wrong? It would be better than nothing, and definitely much better than lies & hidden feelings.

 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that all break ups and dumpers are the same, or motivated by the same feelings, but there are cases in which people you thought you knew will leave you without any resentment. My heart goes out to all of you. In what concerns me, maybe I haven’t been the best partner in the world, but I can’t imagine why someone would give up on me. As for you – if you know that your break up was caused by some problems of yours, try to see this as an opportunity to solve those problems, and don’t forget that someone who truly loves you will have your back. And if you consider that you haven’t done anything wrong… well, try not to take your ex-partners actions as an indication of your worth.

 

I get what you mean by this, about 2 weeks or more i keep seeing weird post she wrote on my gf facebook wall like hinting. I ask her what that means and she said nothing.. Didn't want to french kiss anymore and even use excuse that i use saying i didn't brush my teeth or i'm feeling hot.

 

After finding out she went out with the guy and giving her ring that she had since she was a kid to him. She made a lot of excuses saying she treated him like a bro. And you're right about her being with someone i will feel offended to compare with. Damn nerd face. She was so happy to find someone like me, keep telling me i'm the smartest and most handsome guy in the world and she is not lying. I know she was insecure with me because i chose her from the many girls that like me from our school and my workplace. And she always thought she is ugly even though she is not. She felt she was the luckiest girl to have gotten me and the way she love me was so giving and devoted.

 

I guess even though she love me like that and after being through some rough times concerning her parents. We always pulled through becoming stronger. Everyone thought it was true love we had cuz our honeymoon didn't seem to end during the 3 years together. It was only recently that we admitted it has ended and it was painful for me to think of it this way. In the end things change and everything she ever promised me in love letters, text and words were all lies. Saying she is the faithful type and actually she really is that decent. And now.. I think it a mixture of her friends being unhappy we spend so much time together and the guy brainwashing her telling her to give up. I'm very disappointed that she didn't listen to me and try to fix our relationship and kept contacting the guy even when she promise me numerous times she won't.

 

I think it won't work out anymore if she comes back to me. Cuz i'll surely lay out all the rules like she can't contact or meet that guy and all his friends and that bitch who keep brainwashing you. All these people are who she hang out with now cuz she abandon me and our mutual school friends. I will ask her to tell me where she is when she goes anywhere. She usually does this voluntarily. I will also ask her what she did with the guy and what else she done and said to him and everyone. Knowing everything is important to me otherwise i can never continue with her being kept in the dark. I will ask her to gain back my trust and win back my family and friends. It hard but if you really want me back you gotta do all this otherwise you can jolly well **** off if you disagree to any of these terms. If she accepts fine. If she doesn't i will be disappointed but oh well i won't force her lol.

 

Thing is i don't expect anything from her anymore. I keep having mixed feelings and i dunno if i already decided now it won't be easy for a second chance, since anyway in the past she keep repeating mistakes and taking for granted the last chances or am i still having mixed feelings and now is the down side that i don't want her lol. I don't understand why nowadays there are so many cases of girls cheating on their bf with other guys. It so scary and the way they can disappear from your life makes me adamant to start a serious relationship. I guess if somewhere along the road i become a playboy, it because i rather enjoy the moment and not be overly attached to someone so i don't experience this again. Rather play than get played. That is IF i become a playboy lol.

[Gack]

Eloquently said! I really could not have said it better myself.

 

After the reality of my last breakup (i have had several failed relationships, but the last one was the most important and biggest one to me) i started to try to piece together the mechanics of why relationships fail and the processes that occurs as the relationship dies.

 

You said it perfectly, in that this is what ive read how much relationships end. It is a shame, and pretty dastardly how it works, because end the end, while the dumper does not mean great amounts of malice in dumping, their actions cause it to be more painful than it needs to be.

 

The root cause of all this is, in my opinion, a mixture of cowardice and selfishness. While there might be some benevolence to the dumpers action, their fundamental emotion disconnect from the dumper really removes any type of true care and concern for the dumper.

 

How can they care, if they have removed you from their life, heart and thoughts emotionally ? At that point, you are no different from peter or a hole in the ground. Any actions that are taken after that disconnect are maid from a purely selfish point a view, because in order for them to progress in their plans- you have to be completely removed from the picture.

 

The issue that needs to be understood here is that- if someone truly loves and wants to continue to be with you- despite problems and issues in the relationship- they will either A) talk to you and let you know of their concerns or B) give you the ultimatum of fixing things or ending the relationship .

 

I cannot stress this point enough. If they -wanted- to stay with you; they will try to find every means under the sun to save the relationship. By them not wanting to save the relationship; they have already decided to end it, and will do whatever needed to kill it. So if you are getting the "cold shoulder" or "distant" behavior from the person, it is pretty much already over.

 

Again, the selfishness and deceit used to end the relationship means the relationship was really already over. Most of the time, they are already living a double life, getting their new partner engrained in their heart , body, and thoughts and when that part has solidified, you are tossed out with remorse. ( i understand there can be some, but not enough to keep you around)

 

 

tl;dr. When someone doesnt want to be with you anymore, they mentally/emotionally "breakup" with you weeks or months before you get the "talk". They can act so cold and give the cliche lines of "it's not you, its me" because they, at that point, dont give a damn about you and your feelings. Its easy to do it at that point.

 

The point you wanted to state clearly show the mentality of the dumper. When i got sick of the mistakes my ex kept repeating i told her i had enough and no matter what i said she never change and we should break up and she should go home. (i didn't mean it i just wanted her to improve for the better)

She begged and pleaded for another chance and i told her i gave her many last chances. She said she didn't wanna go home and she will change and all so i told her ok i will watch for improvement.

 

Now it like she wanna go back home for space and see if she really still love me. I didn't let her go cuz i felt she wanna find the guy. You see, she automatically wanna go back herself now when she beg and pleaded with me in the past to keep her by my side. Of course i was suspicious.

 

And you are correct about them being selfish and removing me from the picture so they can be doing what they want without me in their life. I got sick after that cuz i cried everyday and couldn't eat properly and guess what she didn't give a damn and even told that guy's friend to take care on fb, when i'm the one who took care of her for years and she don't even give a ****.

 

She did live a double life during the last 2 weeks cuz she met with him secretly and kept it from me and even accepted gifts from him and said her parents gave them. All the chatting and texts in front of me and she thought i wouldn't notice. The audacity of that really piss me off. She is so stupid and immature and now she acts like she knows it all. Hypocrite! Saying she will be faithful and be with me forever and she will never repeat her mistakes. And a lot of other things she said about others that she herself just did. Double standards. I always told her to think b4 she talk. Guess some people never learn. True i was harsh on her but i told her i was her teacher as well. If she applied what i taught her she would be a more sensible person now but nooo she had to make the ultimate mistake of cheating.

 

What a let down to all our memories and good times we had together. Everything we strive for all gone down the drain. And she blames me for it. I really don't know if she ever has the mental capacity to even learn from her mistakes. I wanted her to take the easy way but she chose not to listen and wants to take the hard way and maybe get cheated on. All her best interests and she does such irresponsible actions to me. She treated me so cruelly when i been so protective to her even now i did not tell everyone she cheated on me. Only a few best friends. But she post photos of them on facebook and slowly change her status to open relationship. Maybe now she put in a relationship for all i care. I don't see her fb no more. Mocking me by doing things we always wanted to do but haven't. I hope i find that girl who appreciate my love. Someone who don't give a damn about me don't deserve me. She better not come crawling back to me. I'll humiliate her because she made me beg, plead and cry like a pussy. I will never forgive her so easily for what she done to me.