'Won't be cheated on'. Why are you affair-proof?

[Silly_Girl]

This came up in another thread and I referred to it as denial/arrogance...

 

Many members on the board say they are 'positive' or 'sure' or even 'KNOW' their partner/husband wouldn't cheat on them.

 

I'm genuinely interested in the aspects of your relationship that makes this true. Or whether it's about your own personal attributes. Or whether it's because of the person you are with. Or a combination. Or something entirely different.

 

It's often argued that the BS has no influence on the actions of the WS... As someone who's sure they won't be betrayed, do you agree on that point?

 

Thanks for anything you can share re the above.

[whichwayisup]

Silly, there ARE people in this world who DO NOT CHEAT. They just aren't the type to and they would rather not betray their spouses. Those who have good communication skills and are unhappy in a marriage WILL end it before going ahead to connect with someone else.

 

Also, not everyone puts themselves first and their happiness above their spouses and kids.

 

These days it seems if one isn't happy ALL THE TIME and feeling oozy doozy in love 24/7 then there's something wrong in the marriage and one person cheats.

[Audrina]

I don't think I'm affair proof and while I am one of those people who believes they will never cheat, you NEVER know what you are going to do until you're put in that situation. You also NEVER know what your significant other is going to do until they are put in a particular situation.

 

There are many issues that lead to infidelity and I believe one of the best ways to combat infidelity is to stay carefully tuned in to your relationship, make sure your partner's needs are met, pay attention if they start with withdraw from the relationship or you isolate yourself.

 

Nobody is immune to being cheated on or nobody can really say they'll never cheat until they've made it through their entire lives without cheating.

[whichwayisup]

you NEVER know what you are going to do until you're put in that situation.

 

The thing is, there are people who just don't put themselves in those kinds of situations. They stop and think. Befriending someone of the opposite sex unless it's okay with their spouse. They have strong boundries and just don't allow themselves to cross that line, .. In their heads.

[Owl]

LOL...just got this mental picture of someone saying...

 

"I'm sure my wife won't cheat on me...I took her out and got her Lo-jacked!"

 

I won't say that it's impossible that my wife could cheat on me again...I've learned that it IS possible. However...I can say that it's highly unlikely after what we've been through...we've both learned some very painful lessons. If I didn't figure it was highly unlikely...we wouldn't still be together.

 

Most people figure that they won't be cheated on...otherwise they wouldn't be in a committed relationship in the first place.

[anne1707]

The thing is, there are people who just don't put themselves in those kinds of situations. They stop and think. Befriending someone of the opposite sex unless it's okay with their spouse. They have strong boundries and just don't allow themselves to cross that line, .. In their heads.

 

But sometimes I read on LS of the boundaries some people think are acceptable in a relationship and I actually think it shows a lack of trust - as if they believe someone in incapable of resisting temptation in front of them. If your partner needs to avoid something/someone so as not to succumb then is that really a partner you can trust.

[Silly_Girl]

Silly, there ARE people in this world who DO NOT CHEAT.

 

Without a doubt.

 

How do you know if you got one? Lots of people think they have and find they haven't. The thread isn't to debate whether there are folks in the world who DON'T cheat.

[MissBee]

I'm not affair-proof, in that I can't control or stop someone from cheating on me.

 

I feel like I can definitively say that I won't do the cheating and have made that a conscious choice, barring mental illness or something.

 

I do think there are certain variables that can lead a relationship to be more infidelity prone than others and am open to the idea that some folks can say never about their partner, giving the right circumstances. I know there is an intuitive aspect to existence and perhaps those more tuned in on that level can possess an uncanny knowing. I have possessed uncanny knowing about negative and positive things (not related to cheating) before they occurred with no logical explanation as to how I knew...there was nothing I could explain to someone as to why they should believe what I am saying, it just had to play out for it to be verified after the fact.

 

But as a general rule, I don't think most people can say never about another's behavior...but you can make an informed forecast that probably proves true more often than not.

[Audrina]

The thing is, there are people who just don't put themselves in those kinds of situations. They stop and think. Befriending someone of the opposite sex unless it's okay with their spouse. They have strong boundries and just don't allow themselves to cross that line, .. In their heads.

 

But you can't say that because you don't know what the situation may be that causes someone to cheat. They don't put themselves in those situations? They don't have work friends? They don't go out in public and communicate with other people? They don't talk to people on the internet?

 

That all sounds fine and dandy in theory but the world just doesn't work that way. You may be so sure now but trust me, life throws curveballs we all aren't ready for.

 

I've seen that most people who have cheated and work through the affair almost always say they thought they'd never cheat but look at what they went and did ...

[Silly_Girl]

I don't think I'm affair proof and while I am one of those people who believes they will never cheat, you NEVER know what you are going to do until you're put in that situation. You also NEVER know what your significant other is going to do until they are put in a particular situation.

 

There are many issues that lead to infidelity and I believe one of the best ways to combat infidelity is to stay carefully tuned in to your relationship, make sure your partner's needs are met, pay attention if they start with withdraw from the relationship or you isolate yourself.

 

Nobody is immune to being cheated on or nobody can really say they'll never cheat until they've made it through their entire lives without cheating.

 

I agree with everything you say.

 

The bolded... I'm interested in what those in affair-proof Rs would offer as methods to achieve it.

[anne1707]

I agree with Owl. My H and I learnt the hard way that you can cheat when you never thought you would. Neither of us entered into our marriage thinking we would have the problems we faced. Whilst I know we have developed better skills in caring for us, I would not like to say 100% that our marriage will never be tested again. Maybe the glasses aren't rose tinted anymore but I do still believe in us and our future together.

[Owl]

I agree with everything you say.

 

The bolded... I'm interested in what those in affair-proof Rs would offer as methods to achieve it.

 

Are you interested in who those of us who have taken measures to attempt to affair-proof our marriages have done?

 

Or just of those that feel that their relationship IS affair-proof? Are you interested in the actual measures taken to protect a marriage?

[Silly_Girl]

LOL...just got this mental picture of someone saying...

 

"I'm sure my wife won't cheat on me...I took her out and got her Lo-jacked!"

 

I won't say that it's impossible that my wife could cheat on me again...I've learned that it IS possible. However...I can say that it's highly unlikely after what we've been through...we've both learned some very painful lessons. If I didn't figure it was highly unlikely...we wouldn't still be together.

 

Most people figure that they won't be cheated on...otherwise they wouldn't be in a committed relationship in the first place.

 

I think knowing that no one is infallie, that (even very slim) chance exists... I think it's only sensible

 

I do like to think that recovered (is there a better word for this?) relationships have a good chance of not experiencing infidelity in future

 

But then I ALSO like to think that relationships like mine stand a good chance also, due to lessons learnt. So maybe it doesn't carry too much relevance.

[Silly_Girl]

Are you interested in who those of us who have taken measures to attempt to affair-proof our marriages have done?

 

Or just of those that feel that their relationship IS affair-proof? Are you interested in the actual measures taken to protect a marriage?

 

Both, Owl, actually. But I suppose my focus was on the sentiment behind the Opening Post, so my wording went that way... If someone feels their R is affair-proof, what is it they do for it to be that way, if anything?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Without a doubt.

 

How do you know if you got one? Lots of people think they have and find they haven't. The thread isn't to debate whether there are folks in the world who DON'T cheat.

 

Well, like in every other aspect of life, people make mistakes. Many chose a mate whom they were certain was incapable of cheating, and they were not correct. Sadly.

 

Those of us (like me) who are not thinking AT ALL about the possibility that our spouses could cheat would be foolish to just take the spouse for granted, anyway. I believe we owe our partner the best we can offer ... NOT because if we don't, they might stray. Rather, because we are consciously working on having a good relationship that can weather the storms of life, and that will allow for each person to feel loved, supported, able to grow, etc.

 

If I thought my man might stray if I didn't please him well enough, I would NOT be with this man. That said, I make a great deal of effort to please him well enough. Because, I believe that when both parties do this, it makes for a great relationship that all the distractions & temptations won't touch.

[Silly_Girl]

But sometimes I read on LS of the boundaries some people think are acceptable in a relationship and I actually think it shows a lack of trust - as if they believe someone in incapable of resisting temptation in front of them. If your partner needs to avoid something/someone so as not to succumb then is that really a partner you can trust.

 

Yes, I think there's a very fine line to be trodden there. I remember my ex saying if I didn't want him to private message his old female school friends on FB I should change his password. Laughable. A joke. That's not the point of being loyal or anything close to trust.

 

I don't necessaily think WWIU was going that way, but it's in the same ball park I think.

[Silly_Girl]

Well, like in every other aspect of life, people make mistakes. Many chose a mate whom they were certain was incapable of cheating, and they were not correct. Sadly.

 

Those of us (like me) who are not thinking AT ALL about the possibility that our spouses could cheat would be foolish to just take the spouse for granted, anyway. I believe we owe our partner the best we can offer ... NOT because if we don't, they might stray. Rather, because we are consciously working on having a good relationship that can weather the storms of life, and that will allow for each person to feel loved, supported, able to grow, etc.

 

If I thought my man might stray if I didn't please him well enough,I would NOT be with this man.That said, I make a great deal of effort to please him well enough. Because, I believe that when both parties do this, it makes for a great relationship that all the distractions & temptations won't touch.

 

Your post makes sense. The bolded... I think you can have an awareness that your relationship is a vulnerable as the next, but not actively spend time wondering whether you are likely to be affected by infidelity.

[Entropy3000]

This came up in another thread and I referred to it as denial/arrogance...

 

Many members on the board say they are 'positive' or 'sure' or even 'KNOW' their partner/husband wouldn't cheat on them.

 

I'm genuinely interested in the aspects of your relationship that makes this true. Or whether it's about your own personal attributes. Or whether it's because of the person you are with. Or a combination. Or something entirely different.

 

It's often argued that the BS has no influence on the actions of the WS... As someone who's sure they won't be betrayed, do you agree on that point?

 

Thanks for anything you can share re the above.

 

No relationship is 100% affair proof. Some are very close and would take a number of seriuos events to cause infidelity but all you can do is work towards a relationship that is strong and resistent to affairs.

 

At any given moment our partners can be vulnerable to an affair for various reasons. They happen ... a lot. EAs happen before most people realize it.

[jwi71]

There is NOTHING anyone can do to A-proof an R.

Simply because we CANNOT control others - only ourselves.

 

And while EVERYONE takes steps to have a healthy and happy (read cheat proof) R, it doesn't exist. All we can do is be true to our partner, be true to ourselves and choose a partner wisely.

 

The rest is up to your partner.

[pureinheart]

This came up in another thread and I referred to it as denial/arrogance...

 

Many members on the board say they are 'positive' or 'sure' or even 'KNOW' their partner/husband wouldn't cheat on them.

 

I'm genuinely interested in the aspects of your relationship that makes this true. Or whether it's about your own personal attributes. Or whether it's because of the person you are with. Or a combination. Or something entirely different.

 

It's often argued that the BS has no influence on the actions of the WS... As someone who's sure they won't be betrayed, do you agree on that point?

 

 

 

Thanks for anything you can share re the above.

 

Hi SG:)

 

In a perfect world I would say that (in bold) this statement/idea/belief would be fact, although IMO we are all capable of anything. Some are less likely, although given the right circumstances even the most faithful can be faithless. I say this also due to the fact that I worked with A LOT of men and was shocked by the ones I never thought would be in an EMA, and even more shocked by the ones that weren't. As a rule the men that were in them exhibited "high moral standards", the "I would never do that" ....red flags go right up when I hear this talk from anyone about anything. The other men who weren't in EMAs were generally flirtatious and from some women got called on the flirtation and backed down.

 

My advice to anyone would be not to trip out, following their mate around, paranoid all of the time that they are going to have an EMA, and not to be over confident that it won't happen.

 

A person shouldn't live in fear, yet shouldn't get screwed over either. So what is the happy medium? Be yourself, a confident self, and assured self, that if it does happen at that point figure out what YOU want. Don't be too clingy and desparate...the, "I can't live without this person" attitude. The fact of the matter is you CAN live without that person, and most likely live better.

 

Never allow another person to call the shots in ANY R...be your OWN shot-caller! Walk in power....

[Entropy3000]

The thing is, there are people who just don't put themselves in those kinds of situations. They stop and think. Befriending someone of the opposite sex unless it's okay with their spouse. They have strong boundries and just don't allow themselves to cross that line, .. In their heads.

 

Exactly. You have to realize that bad situations can lead to cheating or the appearance of cheating. So we avoid those.

[Entropy3000]

But sometimes I read on LS of the boundaries some people think are acceptable in a relationship and I actually think it shows a lack of trust - as if they believe someone in incapable of resisting temptation in front of them. If your partner needs to avoid something/someone so as not to succumb then is that really a partner you can trust.

 

Cheating happens with 100% trust all the time. Trust does not do anything to stop cheating. It often enables it. There is a reason for the jealous reflex. It is a natural survival mechanism that tells the brain to look out. This could be cheating. Supressing it without careful evaluation is not a good idea.

 

100% trust is not the answer all by itself.

[MissBee]

There is NOTHING anyone can do to A-proof an R.

Simply because we CANNOT control others - only ourselves.

 

And while EVERYONE takes steps to have a healthy and happy (read cheat proof) R, it doesn't exist. All we can do is be true to our partner, be true to ourselves and choose a partner wisely.

 

The rest is up to your partner.

 

I quite agree

[anne1707]

100% trust is not the answer all by itself.

 

I agree but a relationship, whilst it should be worked on, should not feel like hard work. A low level of trust creates issues and can be emotionally exhausting for both parties even if the relationship is 100% faithful.

[MissBee]

Exactly. You have to realize that bad situations can lead to cheating or the appearance of cheating. So we avoid those.

 

I agree.