'Won't be cheated on'. Why are you affair-proof?

[Steadfast]

Additionally, her H isn't the same person as my man, and he is not the same as the partner of the other "ignorant" people in this thread.

 

Don't take it personally Donna. I was talking about my ignorance; no one elses-

[donnamaybe]

Don't take it personally Donna. I was talking about my ignorance; no one elses-

 

Sorry.

 

But as you may have noticed, there have been a couple people getting pretty insulting of R's involving trust. Pretty sad state of affairs when one is labeled "arrogant" and "delusion"for having trust in a loved one.

[Silly_Girl]

But in the example she outlined, one might have been able to see the personality change and expect something out of character.

 

Donna, I think the focus has been on the person in question, are you saying that it's your standard of judgement that sets you apart? That you're more likely to pick up on things than the next person? If so, what makes you feel that?

[Steadfast]

What do you expect? Seems folks like nothing more than to be agreed with. Speaking personally, I'd just like the truth; good, bad or indifferent. Still, many counter with the classic 'Caesarian' response of "What is truth?" Despite the angle of some posts, this has been a very insightful discussion on the topic.

 

As a dear educator/friend of mine says, "I'd rather be taught how to think than what to think." Few base any importance on the experience of others.

[donnamaybe]

What do you expect?

Simple common courtesy, a quality sadly lacking in a couple of folks on this thread. Present company excepted.

[silktricks]

I guess I just don't get it. Why is it so impossible to believe that under some circumstances some people DO know they won't be cheated on - either again, or ever. Why should it be that Donna or I are living in denial, delusion, arrogance or whatever....

 

I don't know Donna, but she should know her husband better than anyone else on this board. You don't know me, but I should know my husband and my circumstance better than anyone else.

 

Had you asked me 10 years ago - "could your husband cheat on you?" I would have said, I didn't think he would, but no one could ever know the future.... Sound familiar??? Well, he did cheat. It's been 7 years now. There is a difference in our marriage and in ourselves. I'm sure that he won't cheat now. That, however, does not mean that something else couldn't cause problems. I don't believe in guarantees in life. I love him and know that he loves me, but I also know that time changes all kinds of things, including love. Could we get divorced? It's unlikely, but it's certainly possible. Could he become attracted to someone else, or me become attracted to someone else? Again, unlikely, but possible.

 

What won't happen in the future is cheating. He would never put himself through it again, nor would I. For him it's been 7 years. For me it's been over 35. I have had opportunities, as do most people, but as I said before, I avoid situations which are questionable or difficult. So does he. We're good, not because we're invincible, but because we're careful and knowledgeable of the fact that we're not invincible.

 

Donna knows her guy. No one else on these boards does. She's positive he won't cheat. You don't have to believe it if you don't want to, but quit trying to change her mind. Her belief is based on knowledge. Yours is based on assumptions and statistics. Seems to me she's got a better basis for believing than you have for disbelieving.

[xxoo]

Had you asked me 10 years ago - "could your husband cheat on you?" I would have said, I didn't think he would, but no one could ever know the future.... Sound familiar??? Well, he did cheat. It's been 7 years now. There is a difference in our marriage and in ourselves. I'm sure that he won't cheat now. That, however, does not mean that something else couldn't cause problems. I don't believe in guarantees in life. I love him and know that he loves me, but I also know that time changes all kinds of things, including love. Could we get divorced? It's unlikely, but it's certainly possible. Could he become attracted to someone else, or me become attracted to someone else? Again, unlikely, but possible.

 

What won't happen in the future is cheating. He would never put himself through it again, nor would I. For him it's been 7 years. For me it's been over 35. I have had opportunities, as do most people, but as I said before, I avoid situations which are questionable or difficult. So does he. We're good, not because we're invincible, but because we're careful and knowledgeable of the fact that we're not invincible.

 

I'm happy to read this post from someone in a reconciled relationship, because I was wondering if this kind of confidence can exist after experiencing an infidelity. I really understand your line of thought here, and it makes a lot of sense to me.

[Silly_Girl]

Donna knows her guy. No one else on these boards does. She's positive he won't cheat. You don't have to believe it if you don't want to, but quit trying to change her mind.

 

I genuinely have no interest in changing her mind. In fact it never even crossed MY mind that anyone would think that. My interest is purely in understanding it. Understanding that if it's based on knowledge and not blind trust, what are the factors. It;s curiosity and also the fact this is a board intended for people in affairs, I also think it's pertinent.

[KR10N]

The first sign I find of my SO cheating, he's gone. Quite simply put, why care? Most cheaters seem to think no one owns anybody (which is true) & if they feel that way there should be no problem in splitting up but there's often crybaby beggars who scream, "Please don't leave, I love you!" lol. Total bull if you ask me.

Edited July 11, 2011 by KR10N

[jthorne]

I genuinely have no interest in changing her mind. In fact it never even crossed MY mind that anyone would think that. My interest is purely in understanding it. Understanding that if it's based on knowledge and not blind trust, what are the factors. It;s curiosity and also the fact this is a board intended for people in affairs, I also think it's pertinent.

After reading the last 12 pages, it looks more like envy with a little fear and loathing mixed in.

[silktricks]

Should this same courtesy not be extended universally, since all of us here know "our guys" far far better than anyone else here (or elsewhere)? Why is it that when OWs, for example, post about how we know our guys and they are not like XYZ assumption about them, we get shouted down and told we don't know anything, ALL MMs are the same, ours is no different, until some OWs are beaten into submission and stop trusting their R and their guy and allow that to become a self-fulfilling prophesy, destroying their trust and their R? Why are they not afforded the same courtesy as is being argued that some other posters should have?

 

I was repeatedly told my H was "like all the others". I stood my ground and chose to believe the person I knew rather than the loud chorus of anonymous voices I did not, and who did not know me, or my H, or our R, or anything about us other than what they chose to believe was true. I was proven correct, they were proven wrong. Did that change anything, inject a little humility in how they dealt with their next victim? Not at all! The chorus continues.

 

So surely, if one is arguing for that courtesy to be extended to one, it should be extended to all? Consistency is a good thing, surely?

Absolutely, courtesy should be extended in both directions, and I'd certainly argue that courtesy towards OW/OM should be even greater on this board, as after all, it is the OW/OM board.

 

There is, IMHO too great a preponderance of people with agendas, and often too much rudeness that accompanies those agendas. I don't know how often what you've cited above holds true (believing what other posters write, and as a result losing faith in their relationship). As you know, I'm not a proponent of affairs, but I'm also not in favor of "beating into submission" anyone.

 

This particular thread, though, asks a question directly to married people. Because of the subject of the thread, it seems (to me, anyway) that the people who answer should be permitted to make their case.

[silktricks]

Oh I don't know, maybe it's the INORDINATE amount of time & energy they spend here on the OM/OW forum (??) posting over and over again, like a broken record, how great their M is & how their partner would never cheat on them - while in the same breath hurling insults at other posters left & right. Why do they care so much what anonymous OWs think of them anyway, since they clearly think so little of them?? And why are they not expending all this energy on their supposedly fabulous partners in the first place??

 

Not to mention other BWs who claim their M was great before (even during) the A and they never saw it coming.

 

CLEARLY something's off. They're trying a littttttttttttttle too hard, in a direction that will get them absolutely nowhere.

 

Well, I don't think I spend an inordinate amount of time or energy here - and I certainly didn't think I hurled insults. If I have done so, I most humbly beg your pardon.

[Silly_Girl]

After reading the last 12 pages, it looks more like envy with a little fear and loathing mixed in.

 

Welcome back! You're free - as ever! - to make your assumptions.

[woinlove]

I genuinely have no interest in changing her mind. In fact it never even crossed MY mind that anyone would think that. My interest is purely in understanding it. Understanding that if it's based on knowledge and not blind trust, what are the factors. It;s curiosity and also the fact this is a board intended for people in affairs, I also think it's pertinent.

 

And have you gained more understanding?

 

I think I already understood it, but the answers have reinforced the idea that a number of factors play a role in one's perspective on the likelihood of being betrayed, including the person's outlook, the values and integrity of their spouse, past and current experience - particularly with their spouse, and the depth of openness, closeness and intimacy in their M.

 

Obviously openness/closeness/intimacy with another is an entire spectrum which depends on both people involved and only those who have been through the experience of betrayal can say whether they feel there could have been any deeper openness and intimacy prior to the A. However, my own experience is that it is possible to have such open intimacy, and to have shared values which reinforce honesty and respect, so that one knows one's spouse is not currently cheating and to be confident of the ability to either maintain that intimacy or to recognize if something changes. So I can identify with responses of several others here who have expressed something similar.

[donnamaybe]

This particular thread, though, asks a question directly to married people. Because of the subject of the thread, it seems (to me, anyway) that the people who answer should be permitted to make their case.

And when one considers that this thread was begun as a direct result of a post I made on another thread, would you then feel there was an agenda at work here?