'Won't be cheated on'. Why are you affair-proof?

[bentnotbroken]

No one is this whole wide world is affair proof !!

 

It you think you are, then I'm sorry but I just think you are an absolute moron!!

 

People change, feeling happen, morals change.

 

You can never truly know what is inside the mind of another human being. You can assume but it is never 100% but then again is there anything in life that is for sure 100% absolute ??

 

 

Funny I was thinking the same thing for a different reason. Death is pretty damn sure.

[cheergirl]

Nice thread, managed to stay on-topic...

I think we were affair -proof because of our beliefs, his integrity and shared values.

His job took him out before we were up and home same time every evening 6 days a week. a complete creature of habit, untroubled by emotions, passions (other than anger) and a strong desire to project a certain image to the world, Family Man, great family beautiful wife, beautiful kids perfect, have-it-all.

Virtually no females in the work environment. Also, we were always together when he wasn't at work...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I was someone who thought their H would never, ever have an A and no I didn't take my eye off the ball. H and I were having problems and yes I tried to find out why, what was going on with him before the A began, and no we hadn't stopped intimacy, laughter, plans etc etc just pick a stereotype and discount it. I thought we were affair proof because we just fit, we were the poster couple for a happy, loving marriage and yet H had an 8 month affair. I did not have my head up my arse, or take him for granted, H had problems with PTSd after Iraq and his self esteem was shot to ****, he wouldn't talk about it, but I knew something was off, but never thought he would have an A.

Are we A proof now? well I now say, never, ever say never, but H knows that there would be no second chances and I trust him, but not blindly like before. What I can say is that I will never, ever have an A. It isn't my way and is so far from what I would want for myself or H that I know it won't happen. So while I am A proof, I cannot speak for H, he would say no, never ever again as he saw how hurt and devastated I was and also because he is in a different place than then, BUT, I just wouldn't be so trusting again.

 

So from someone who KNEW for over 20 years that their husband wouldn't have an A, I was proved wrong.

 

Here is a dose of REALITY for some of you.

 

The whole "ugly old used car" or "Ferrari vs. Gremlin" (very offensive and lame) analogies do not fit with the real life situations very often, if they ever do.

 

People's demons get the better of them sometimes, and in many, many cases it is the person who has an extramarital affair who is in this situation. They need to escape ... from THEMSELVES. So when the opportunity presents, they are weak in that moment and go for it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

No one is this whole wide world is affair proof !!

 

It you think you are, then I'm sorry but I just think you are an absolute moron!!

 

People change, feeling happen, morals change.

 

You can never truly know what is inside the mind of another human being. You can assume but it is never 100% but then again is there anything in life that is for sure 100% absolute ??

 

Melissa,

 

What do you think you have to work on within yourself to become a better person?

[BenThereDunThat]

Anyone else get tired of this? The back and forth? It really does get old, no?

 

Yes, as long as there are people who inhabit this earth, there will be cheaters.

 

There just will.

 

If I'm a BS, lots of women 'out there' are potential OWs.. messin' with my 'true love.'

 

If I'm an OW, the BS of the world are holding me back from my 'true love.'

 

Whatever. At the end of the day, it's just you and your conscience that you have to live with.

[Anna101]

I think there are two answers.

 

Those who are 100% sure are in reality, trying to be sure of something that is impossible. The reality is you cannot ever know how someone else will behave to that extent.

 

The other answer is that most people simply begin their relationship with the premise if 'no he/she won't', and so their automatic answer is just that. People who've never been involved with cheating don't think about it, and so often their superficial, off the cuff opinion of those who do it simply doesn't match the idea of their 'normal' relationship. They think there is a 'type' of person, someone really into sex or outgoing or someone who isn't 'good'.

 

I was recently involved in a mothers group and the group often talked about sex and relationships. Out of 9 of us, one was still not having sex with her husband 6 months after the baby was born, another one was having it but telling him 'you've got 5 minutes, get on' and another simply 'couldn't be bothered'. Now most people think hey, they just had a baby, only an ******* would cheat, but I don't think this is true. These things FESTER, many men see sexual desire as affection and so rejecting sex rejects them. I couldn't believe how many of these women felt it ok to say 'get on, hurry up'...imagine if you went to hug your spouse and he/she said 'yeah whatever, pat pat, now go away'. I will bet money on the fact that the women who have put no effort into rekindling the physical aspect/sexual nature of their r/ships will be the ones who end up divorced.

 

I am NOT saying men "need" sex anymore than women, but what it shows is how taken for granted most people are, how little effort is put into maintaining a r/shp. And why? Not because people don't care, but because we don't think we should HAVE to....people genuinely don't think they have to stay on top of a r/ship because this negates the sense that marriage is unconditional.

 

Honestly I believe the "it'd never happen to me" idea is very similar to why we tend to believe we'll never be robbed, murdered, raped etc as well - it's always those other people, someone else.

[Silly_Girl]

Why do you think you can call my views denial or arrogance? Why not just accept my beliefs about myself? Why do you think you can judge me (and others) for our beliefs?

 

Why do I know this to be true? Because of the character of me and my husband. Because we communicate, because we trust, because we believe in the vows we wrote and said to each other.

 

What does a BS have to do with a person who decides to cheat? That is like comparing babies and fruit.

 

Why are you so adamant that just because you behave one way that the rest of us are sure to behave that way? Why do you care about how we think? Why do you care so much that we are adamant that we won't cheat? How does that affect your life?

 

FO - it's called discussion and happens here all the time. Someone posts a view that someone else can't quite grasp so a thread is started in the hopes of understanding it better. Please don't take it so personally, you are by no means the only poster who's said this.

 

Can I ask... There will have been others who believed it, that their R wouldn't be affected by infidelity, perhaps were more sure than you. But it happened anyway. Do you think they were missing something when they made the claim 'my H wouldn't cheat'? Do you think you have/know something they didn't?

 

When you say communication helps with you being sure your H wouldn't cheat, is that communication in that you both disapprove of cheating? Or something more? If one of you were attracted to someone in the office for example, is that something you'd then raise at home? Or do you mean something entirely different? Not trying to put words in your mouth.

[Silly_Girl]

Your post makes sense. The bolded... I think you can have an awareness that your relationship is a vulnerable as the next, but not actively spend time wondering whether you are likely to be affected by infidelity.

 

So you think couples need to be talking daily about cheating? I should ask my husband each day before leaving for work "do you think you may cheat on me today"? Or should I ask him when he gets home "did you cheat today"? I can see feeling that way and needing to discuss it ad nauseum if you are with someone due to cheating; but I see no reason to make sure fidelity is a part of our daily conversation.

 

I think maybe you didn't read what I actually typed, FO. I said that one can accept that every relationship or their relationship may be vulnerable (to whatever degree) to infidelity, but that does NOT mean it's something that is chewed over on a regular basis.

 

I accept there's a chance I might get run over by a lorry one day, it's unlikely but I couldn't say it's impossible; but I don't spend time talking to my loved one's about it. I'm just not claiming to be in some way special in that I'm protected by some invisible shield that prevents said lorry from hitting if it were speeding towards me.

 

As for your comment 'if you were with someone due to cheating'... The same as YOU say you wouldn't be with someone if you thought they'd cheat on you, I feel likewise. Not sure why you'd think we would see that part of it differently.

 

Only difference is that I feel that no one can KNOW that the partner won't one day behave in a way which contradicts their usual behaviour. That's the part we don't agree on. I am not suggesting people enter serious relationships or marriages and say to themselves 'I am sure this one will cheat', and I imagine you know I didn't mean that.

[Silly_Girl]

Anyone else get tired of this? The back and forth? It really does get old, no?

 

Yes, as long as there are people who inhabit this earth, there will be cheaters.

 

There just will.

 

If I'm a BS, lots of women 'out there' are potential OWs.. messin' with my 'true love.'

 

If I'm an OW, the BS of the world are holding me back from my 'true love.'

 

Whatever. At the end of the day, it's just you and your conscience that you have to live with.

 

Do you have a view on whether it's possible to know that you won't get cheated on by your significant other?

[Silly_Girl]

I like Seren's post. Makes perfect sense to me. She uses the term 'blind trust' which I've seen her post before. That sums up why I've used the word denial in respect of this.

 

I think denial is much more likely than arrogance, of the two I posted originally in the thread. I think it's far more likely one would choose not to look in the direction of infidelity in their relationship, because it's not happened and shows no sign of happening, than to think they are just THAT amazing that no partner of theirs could possibly bring themselves to have feelings or urges towards another.

[OWoman]

How exactly can a mistress know the risks of infidelity from the marriage of which she wasn't a part of?

 

Ah, the straw man technique! Ask a question and then "answer" it oneself, setting up a ridiculous parody that makes everything seem ludicrous, thus evading the actual substance of the issue at hand. Politicians do this all the time. Luckily most people are sophisticated enough to see it for what it is.

 

Oh, that's right, because the MM told her all the problems, which were of course all his wife's issues.

 

Nope, not remotely - at least, not IME. Your experience as a "mistress" may have been different, but I was never a "mistress" so perhaps that's the difference.

 

The only advantage is they both know what they are capable of ... the secrets, the sneaking, the gaslighting. They know how to have an affair.

 

Again, I'm assuming you're speaking about your own personal experience here, since mine was nothing like this at all. No secrets, no sneaking, no gaslighting.

 

 

It isn't denial that many have; it is called trust, communication, respect, loyalty, etc.

 

Yep, that's exactly what we have, too :love: Only we have an absence of denial and arrogance with it, and a strong grounding in reality.

[Dust]

I’m affair proof because I know I’d be fine if it ever happened to me. While it would be upsetting to be disrespected by a lover in that way I know I wouldn’t just fall apart. I have respect for myself and don’t depend on any one person. I’m in a relationship not to be taken care of but to share my life with some one I consider my equal. To share in joy yes and make that better, also to share and take on challenges together.

 

If I’m being disrespected and being lied to on such a huge matter is one of the biggest disrespects I wouldn’t be able to share in joy with that person. That person would become a challenge in my life rather then a positive. So, I would leave them. That’s why I’m affair proof. Not because I believe it would never happen to me, but because I wouldn’t put up with it and I know I can survive such a let down.

[silktricks]

This came up in another thread and I referred to it as denial/arrogance...

 

Many members on the board say they are 'positive' or 'sure' or even 'KNOW' their partner/husband wouldn't cheat on them.

 

I'm genuinely interested in the aspects of your relationship that makes this true. Or whether it's about your own personal attributes. Or whether it's because of the person you are with. Or a combination. Or something entirely different.

 

It's often argued that the BS has no influence on the actions of the WS... As someone who's sure they won't be betrayed, do you agree on that point?

 

Thanks for anything you can share re the above.

 

I'm positive my husband will never cheat again. It has nothing to do with me. If we should divorce or I should die and he married again he would not cheat on that person either. To be honest, I would not have said this (or even thought it) prior to his cheating. Then I thought you could never say any person would never cheat - simply because you can't know all circumstances...

 

However, he cheated; in the aftermath of that cheating he went through extreme pain and self-examination. He came to realization about a number of things in regards to himself, his values, his awareness and opinions. I am not willing to share those things here, as I believe it would not be fair - I am not him and would not be willing to make that choice for him. However, I see everyday the changes that it wrought. He will never cheat again. I know that just as surely as I know the grass is green.

 

In regards to the BS having (or not) influence over the actions of the WS. All people have influence over others. Having influence, however, does not equate to causation. I can, for example, influence my husband to exercise by pointing out the health benefits, purchasing exercise equipment or a club membership. Those things could influence him to do it, but they would not cause him to do it. If he began an exercise regimen, it would be his choice, his actions. It's the old "you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink" thing. A spouse cannot (IMO) either cause a person to cheat or cause a person to be faithful - those things come from within a person not exterior to a person.

 

I will add, that long ago and far away I cheated. It was a life changing event for me. I have never cheated nor even come close since then. The idea that once a cheater always a cheater is not true. Also, I was in the same comparatively unhappy marriage that my husband was in when he cheated. His actions didn't "cause" me to cheat. Nor did mine "cause" him to do so. What he did, he did. What I did, I did. Nobody gets to blame their bad actions on someone else.

Edited July 7, 2011 by silktricks

[silktricks]

A good relationship takes work. It should be happy work. 100% trust is being lazy and is hopeful instead of actively being involved and in tune with your partner.

 

I speak from direct experience. I was in over my head in an EA with a co-worker. I was in denial. My wife caught it and got my attention. She saved our marriage. I was literally superman up until that time. No reason for her to not trust me. BUT, it can happen. I did not truly realize it was an EA until some time later after withdrawing from the affair. We watch out for each other. We are partners.

 

I am talking about being involved in what is going on with your SO. You can tell when things are changing in a relationship. Trust is fine. Nothing wrong with keeping aware of the relationship heartbeat. Blind trust is lazy.

 

Oh my - I always agree with you, but on this one I cannot. 100% trust and blind trust are not the same. (of course, this is just my opinion, and anyone can disagree )... I trust my husband 100% - that doesn't mean that I'm not completely aware of what is going on with him. If he is unhappy or discontent, it is my job to understand (and possibly help him understand) what is going on with him (and vice versa). We have a good marriage now because we work at it and never let it get sick (even when we are).

 

I do not blindly trust my husband as "blind trust" means to me trust without reason - stupid trust if you will. I trust him because of what he does, what he says, how we talk, where he places his attention and time. I trust him because of himself, not in spite of himself.

[reboot]

I think most BS and former BS aren't saying "I know they won't cheat on me again", but rather, "If they do I won't be fooled again". Having lived through the pain and the half-truths and trickle truths, and the gas lighting and the outright lies, the danger signals are very easy to spot the next time.

[OWoman]

I think most BS and former BS aren't saying "I know they won't cheat on me again", but rather, "If they do I won't be fooled again". Having lived through the pain and the half-truths and trickle truths, and the gas lighting and the outright lies, the danger signals are very easy to spot the next time.

 

IDK Reeb, I think in some cases one can have a greater degree of certainty. Like Silk's H, my H went through an intense time during and post A:

 

in the aftermath of that cheating he went through extreme pain and self-examination. He came to realization about a number of things in regards to himself, his values, his awareness and opinions. I am not willing to share those things here, as I believe it would not be fair - I am not him and would not be willing to make that choice for him. However, I see everyday the changes that it wrought.

 

I would not go as far as Silk to claim anything with 100% certainty though, as I believe the future is unknowable, but I do know that I'm happy to trust him because no rational being would put themselves through what he needed to go through again.

 

I've also watched my father in his 2nd M. No way would he ever even consider cheating on his W. There is simply nothing to be gained from it for him, and so much to risk losing. He is very very lucky to have her and he knows it!

[MissBee]

I’m affair proof because I know I’d be fine if it ever happened to me. While it would be upsetting to be disrespected by a lover in that way I know I wouldn’t just fall apart. I have respect for myself and don’t depend on any one person. I’m in a relationship not to be taken care of but to share my life with some one I consider my equal. To share in joy yes and make that better, also to share and take on challenges together.

 

If I’m being disrespected and being lied to on such a huge matter is one of the biggest disrespects I wouldn’t be able to share in joy with that person. That person would become a challenge in my life rather then a positive. So, I would leave them. That’s why I’m affair proof. Not because I believe it would never happen to me, but because I wouldn’t put up with it and I know I can survive such a let down.

 

That's a great way to look at things Dust.

[MissBee]

I'm positive my husband will never cheat again. It has nothing to do with me. If we should divorce or I should die and he married again he would not cheat on that person either. To be honest, I would not have said this (or even thought it) prior to his cheating. Then I thought you could never say any person would never cheat - simply because you can't know all circumstances...

 

However, he cheated; in the aftermath of that cheating he went through extreme pain and self-examination. He came to realization about a number of things in regards to himself, his values, his awareness and opinions. I am not willing to share those things here, as I believe it would not be fair - I am not him and would not be willing to make that choice for him. However, I see everyday the changes that it wrought. He will never cheat again. I know that just as surely as I know the grass is green.

In regards to the BS having (or not) influence over the actions of the WS. All people have influence over others. Having influence, however, does not equate to causation. I can, for example, influence my husband to exercise by pointing out the health benefits, purchasing exercise equipment or a club membership. Those things could influence him to do it, but they would not cause him to do it. If he began an exercise regimen, it would be his choice, his actions. It's the old "you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink" thing. A spouse cannot (IMO) either cause a person to cheat or cause a person to be faithful - those things come from within a person not exterior to a person.

 

I will add, that long ago and far away I cheated. It was a life changing event for me. I have never cheated nor even come close since then. The idea that once a cheater always a cheater is not true. Also, I was in the same comparatively unhappy marriage that my husband was in when he cheated. His actions didn't "cause" me to cheat. Nor did mine "cause" him to do so. What he did, he did. What I did, I did. Nobody gets to blame their bad actions on someone else.

 

I quite agree with the bolded.

[donnamaybe]

I am CURRENTLY affair proof because I am with a man who has shown his integrity and honesty, even in the face of a cheating spouse, for many decades. Now if we were to dissolve our R and I ended up with someone else, I may not be able to say that. However, if I came upon concrete or even circumstantial evidence that my current partner was not to be trusted, he'd be out the door.

 

As for "affair proofing" our R, there is no need. He trusts me, I trust him. I am free to go out with friends, male and/or female, and he is free to do the same. We are always invited to each other's outings, however. It's just that sometimes I want to go out and he doesn't or work schedules don't permit it, and vice versa.

[Lizzie60]

Humm... no one is affair-proofed..

 

Foe one to say that their SO has never or will never cheat.. is sooooo silly...

 

Never say never..

 

Unless you are in his/her pants 24/7 there is noooo way you can know that for sure.

[donnamaybe]

Humm... no one is affair-proofed..

 

Foe one to say that their SO has never or will never cheat.. is sooooo silly...

 

Never say never..

 

Unless you are in his/her pants 24/7 there is noooo way you can know that for sure.

I'm sorry you have such a jaded view of people that you assume that absolutely no one can be relied upon to be honest.

 

Clears up a few things for me.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm sorry you have such a jaded view of people that you assume that absolutely no one can be relied upon to be honest.

 

Clears up a few things for me.

 

Ooh you charmer you!

 

I suspect more people would call it realistic or grounded.

 

I wonder if therapists encourage folk to believe it's impossible for them to be cheated on, I personally doubt it.

[xxoo]

I'm 100% affair proof because I keep a nanny-cam in his pants when we are apart.

 

 

Seriously, no, I don't consider my relationship "affair proof". I don't consider affairs in regard to my relationship much at all, in fact. I do my best to be an in-tuned partner, and trust that it will be apparent if my partner is unsatisfied in the future.

[OWoman]

I wonder if therapists encourage folk to believe it's impossible for them to be cheated on, I personally doubt it.

 

I guess it's only possible to be cheated on if you have the expectation of complete faithfulness, whatever de facto agreement you may have. So if you're reality based and acknowledge that sexual exclusivity - however desirable - is not always attainable, you are less likely to experience it as such a betrayal if it does come to pass that your SO plays outside of the yard.

 

In which case, a psychologist might well encourage such a view, since it was grounded in reality and acceptance rather than in denial and arrogance

[donnamaybe]

It's now arrogance to have a strong belief in the goodness of someone else? That is RICH! :lmao:

 

I think what it boils down to is that anyone who feels EVERYONE is a cheater-in-the-making feels their own partner IS going to cheat at some point. Therefore, their own partner is no worse than anyone else's.

 

Maybe that's because they are already a known cheater...

 

Have a good time living in your negative little worlds.