'Won't be cheated on'. Why are you affair-proof?

[MissBee]

I guess it's only possible to be cheated on if you have the expectation of complete faithfulness, whatever de facto agreement you may have. So if you're reality based and acknowledge that sexual exclusivity - however desirable - is not always attainable, you are less likely to experience it as such a betrayal if it does come to pass that your SO plays outside of the yard.

 

In which case, a psychologist might well encourage such a view, since it was grounded in reality and acceptance rather than in denial and arrogance

 

And for affairs that don't involve sex? You say not expecting sexual exclusivity is realistic and therefore you won't feel as betrayed should it occur. Would you also say it is realistic to not expect your spouse to reserve other things as exclusive to your marriage...for example, all that emotional affairs entail?

 

I'm really asking. I realize you have a unique conceptualization of relationships, some of which aren't spelled out so I can only piece together what they are.

 

 

I recall you saying your vows and the terms of your marriage aren't run of the mill and you guys march to your own beat, which I think is great. Everyone's marriage has to be on their terms and a betrayal can only come in so far as there is a breach in those terms (whatever they are for that couple). If sexual exclusivity is not a term in your marriage then you cannot be betraying your partner by engaging in extramarital sex; however, if it is a term, regardless of if it is reasonable or not to outsiders, if both people agreed to it, that breach is a betrayal.

 

You don't have to share what your personal vows are, but would it be a breach of them for your SO to involve himself in a relationship with another woman (sharing thoughts and feelings, taking her out, buying her gifts, expressing love for her etc.) or does your reality extend to it being desirable but unattainable as well?

 

Aside: I quite believe in acceptance but it's another matter for something to be acceptable. I accept that I cannot control whether or not a man cheats; however, that acceptance of the reality of that occurring is not the same as me finding it acceptable.

Edited July 7, 2011 by MissBee

[OWoman]

And for affairs that don't involve sex? You say not expecting sexual exclusivity is realistic and therefore you won't feel as betrayed should it occur. Would you also say it is realistic to not expect your spouse to reserve other things as exclusive to your marriage...for example, all that emotional affairs entail?

 

TBH the concept of "emotional affairs" is rather opaque to me. I really wouldn't recognise one. They seem to me to exist in the eye of the beholder - what I considered a close friendship with a male friend of mine was considered to be an EA by his SO who tried to force him to break contact with me. From that and other experiences I concluded that EA = friendship that SO of friend finds threatening. Which probably isn't the generally held understanding of the term.

 

I'm really asking. I realize you have a unique conceptualization of relationships, some of which aren't spelled out so I can only piece together what they are.

 

 

I recall you saying your vows and the terms of your marriage aren't run of the mill and you guys march to your own beat, which I think is great. Everyone's marriage has to be on their terms and a betrayal can only come in so far as there is a breach in those terms (whatever they are for that couple). If sexual exclusivity is not a term in your marriage then you cannot be betraying your partner by engaging in extramarital sex; however, if it is a term, regardless of if it is reasonable or not to outsiders, if both people agreed to it, that breach is a betrayal.

 

You don't have to share what your personal vows are, but would it be a breach of them for your SO to involve himself in a relationship with another woman (sharing thoughts and feelings, taking her out, buying her gifts, expressing love for her etc.) or does your reality extend to it being desirable but unattainable as well?

 

Well, what you've described above sounds like many friendships, so I'd certainly find those acceptable. And yes, my H is free to go out with women friends, and to spend his money as he pleases, and if he loves someone to tell them so. Just as I am free to do the same. I don't find any of that threatening; I know my H's love for me can exist happily alongside his love for his family, his kids, his friends, his work, his home, etc. It adds to rather than takes away from our R.

 

Aside: I quite believe in acceptance but it's another matter for something to be acceptable. I accept that I cannot control whether or not a man cheats; however, that acceptance of the reality of that occurring is not the same as me finding it acceptable.

 

I agree with the distinction. But for me what matters is the level of ego investment - if it is a matter of critical importance to someone that their SO never plays away, then they are far more likely to feel betrayed if that should happen than someone whose ego is less invested and sees it more as a shortfall on an ideal than as a vote of no confidence in their R / themselves.

[half_ofa_heart]

I’m affair proof because I know I’d be fine if it ever happened to me. While it would be upsetting to be disrespected by a lover in that way I know I wouldn’t just fall apart. I have respect for myself and don’t depend on any one person. I’m in a relationship not to be taken care of but to share my life with some one I consider my equal. To share in joy yes and make that better, also to share and take on challenges together.

 

If I’m being disrespected and being lied to on such a huge matter is one of the biggest disrespects I wouldn’t be able to share in joy with that person. That person would become a challenge in my life rather then a positive. So, I would leave them. That’s why I’m affair proof. Not because I believe it would never happen to me, but because I wouldn’t put up with it and I know I can survive such a let down.

 

Your post stood out among ALL of them as the most realistic view point. Realizing you have control over YOUR OWN actions and not those of your SO. Can you get more realisitic than that???!!!

 

I cheated on a boyfriend when I was in high school (a VERY long time ago I might add). Up until that point, I was adamant about being loyal and faithful. Furthermore, I never felt a love like that but the day after I cheated... I broke up with him immediately because I realized that what I thought was love must not have been because how could I do that to someone I loved. I can honestly say that I have never cheated ever again.

 

However, I used to say "I would NEVER be the OW!" In my 45+ years of life, I have been approached by many married men and sent each and every one of them on their merry way with a slap across their face. I was rather indignant about it but look at me now... This is why I say, one can never know what challenges God has in store for you.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions and don't blame ANYONE but myself for getting myself into my current mess but to say that I am certain of anyone else's actions is crazy. Even Our own actions can be challenged based on certain circumstances. So my point is... one can truly never know what we will do let alone what others will do in any given circumstance. We may "believe" we'll act in a certain manner but until we reach that cross road we can only assume.

 

Thanks Dust!

[half_ofa_heart]

Hey Heart........I was hoping you were gonna tell us you were out of that potential time bomb.

When are you gonna drop the ax on that hon?

 

Don't wanna threadjack BB but suffice it to say, I'm still actively trying to break free from my hell. With each attempt to break away, I get a little closer to being free. Even though I'm not posting here, I'm reading and getting stronger everyday. And... "time bomb" is an understatement:(

[Bionic Me]

I've had several serious R, never cheated. My partners were well aware of that too. I'm honest, respect myself and hate drama. I am not a good liar and hate to be stressed. Nothing fancy about lying and having to create an alternate reality. For that, I can become a swinger if I wanted different partners. I guess I am a rare breed.

[donnamaybe]

I've had several serious R, never cheated. My partners were well aware of that too. I'm honest, respect myself and hate drama. I am not a good liar and hate to be stressed. Nothing fancy about lying and having to create an alternate reality. For that, I can become a swinger if I wanted different partners. I guess I am a rare breed.

I know at least one other man JUST like you.

[MissBee]

TBH the concept of "emotional affairs" is rather opaque to me. I really wouldn't recognise one. They seem to me to exist in the eye of the beholder - what I considered a close friendship with a male friend of mine was considered to be an EA by his SO who tried to force him to break contact with me. From that and other experiences I concluded that EA = friendship that SO of friend finds threatening. Which probably isn't the generally held understanding of the term.

 

 

 

Well, what you've described above sounds like many friendships, so I'd certainly find those acceptable. And yes, my H is free to go out with women friends, and to spend his money as he pleases, and if he loves someone to tell them so. Just as I am free to do the same. I don't find any of that threatening; I know my H's love for me can exist happily alongside his love for his family, his kids, his friends, his work, his home, etc. It adds to rather than takes away from our R.

 

 

I agree with the distinction. But for me what matters is the level of ego investment - if it is a matter of critical importance to someone that their SO never plays away, then they are far more likely to feel betrayed if that should happen than someone whose ego is less invested and sees it more as a shortfall on an ideal than as a vote of no confidence in their R / themselves.

 

 

I understand what you're saying with regards to the bolded, and that's indeed fair enough.

 

I think as far as emotional affairs go....it's the intent that matters. A normal friendship, even if it looks like something else to a jealous S/O (albeit I do think in a relationship, since everyone is different, both parties have to decide upon what they feel is uncomfortable and date those who agree or at least respect it, versus trying to change one's feelings and beliefs to suit another) is not the same as being emotionally invested in someone romantically. The feelings that come into play in a relationship differ from that of platonic friendship. A relationship has to include friendship but a friendship doesn't need to include romance. That's the difference IMO.

 

Of couse your significant other can and should have outside friends and they will love their family and children but I assume for most , they expect romantic love and romantic feelings, actions and expressions to be exclusive to them as a couple.

[fooled once]

Those are the people affairs are most often had with.

 

I have never cheated on a boyfriend and have no intention on ever doing so. But after everything I've learned about relationships I've realized one thing, we are only human. We all crave companionship, love, acceptance and sexual gratification. When needs aren't met in a relationship, people tend to find it elsewhere.

 

**That's actually not quite accurate. In my first marriage, when my needs weren't being met, I divorced. I didn't cheat, I didn't go right out and start finding a replacement man. I divorced and cherished my solitude (with my son). I don't NEED a man in my life; I am just fine being alone. But I chose to HAVE a man in my life.

 

Like you, I FEEL like I will never cheat in a relationship, I would much rather spare my partner that pain but I can't say for sure because I have no clue what the future will hold. I have my morals and standards just like you, however, nobody can predict the future.

 

**It doesn't have any thing to do with predicting the future. I do not understand why some are threatened by those that can positively stated "I WILL NEVER CHEAT". Its not that hard of a concept. I will never rape anyone, I will never rob a bank, I will never become an alcoholic, I will never bunjee jump. I have plenty of "I will never's" but the only one people have an issue with is the fact that I am faithful and loyal. If I could be faithful and loyal to my ex husband, I can be faithful to anyone :laugh:

 

When you talk to couples, or individuals who have cheated you often hear that they just weren't thinking at the time but when it was over the guilt of what they had done was overwhelming. It's easy to say you'll walk away from any and all opportunities to cheat, but when you're in the perfect storm you really may feel differently.

 

**I agree, some say it and then do it. I'm not one of them. I'm sorry if that bothers people, but it is what it is.

 

Like I said, once you ARE on your death bed having made it through all of life's trials and tribulations, that's when people get to say they'll never cheat.

 

Yeah, on my death bed, one of the most important thoughts in my head will be "I showed them naysayers, I never cheated". I won't be having those thoughts, as I will be busy saying goodbye to my family.

 

No one is this whole wide world is affair proof !!

 

It you think you are, then I'm sorry but I just think you are an absolute moron!!

 

People change, feeling happen, morals change.

 

You can never truly know what is inside the mind of another human being. You can assume but it is never 100% but then again is there anything in life that is for sure 100% absolute ??

 

Yes, there are people in this world affair proof. Again, not sure why that is such a hard fact to accept. PLENTY of people have lived a full life and not cheated. They also haven't killed anyone, stolen from a neighbor, done illegal drugs, etc. Cheating is a conscious act; and believe it or not, there are many many who chose to not go that route.

 

Morals don't change; and it is offensive and against community guidelines to call posters morons.

 

And finally, yes there are things in life that are 100% positive; see my examples above. Just because you chose to do things that others don't; it doesn't make those of us who don't moronic or anything. It means we have deep convictions. Please stop trying to tell me and others that we aren't truthful in our statements.

Anyone else get tired of this? The back and forth? It really does get old, no?

 

Whatever. At the end of the day, it's just you and your conscience that you have to live with.

 

YES!!!!!

 

FO - it's called discussion and happens here all the time. Someone posts a view that someone else can't quite grasp so a thread is started in the hopes of understanding it better. Please don't take it so personally, you are by no means the only poster who's said this.

 

**Why did you call those of us who believe in our convictions arrogant and/or in denial? You started a thread 'calling names'; as if our beliefs are lies or we are too stupid to know what we are talking about.

 

Can I ask... There will have been others who believed it, that their R wouldn't be affected by infidelity, perhaps were more sure than you. But it happened anyway. Do you think they were missing something when they made the claim 'my H wouldn't cheat'? Do you think you have/know something they didn't?

 

**I have no idea about their relationships - I am not in their home listening to their lives. I don't pretend to know how their life works. I did correct myself and say that I cannot 100% say my H wouldn't cheat; because I do not control him. But I know him and I know the kind of man he is. He had opportunities to cheat in his first marriage and chose not to. Could he decide down the road to cheat? I guess, but again, I can only go by his words and his character and cheating isn't a part of it. By no means do I think we are 'better' than anyone; we just have different beliefs than obviously many on this thread. Again, I can say with 100% certainty that I will never cheat. I can't say I would never take the life of someone because if someone took my child's life, I can't say I wouldn't do my best to return the sentiment. I can also say there is nothing in this world that will ever make me stop loving my son. I can also say with 10000% certainty I will never have another child. I do have my convictions.

 

When you say communication helps with you being sure your H wouldn't cheat, is that communication in that you both disapprove of cheating? Or something more? If one of you were attracted to someone in the office for example, is that something you'd then raise at home? Or do you mean something entirely different? Not trying to put words in your mouth.

 

**Not sure what you really want to know. Do you think we haven't discussed cheating? I told him all about this thread last night and we :laugh: about some of the comments. I would not have married him had I saw a characteristic for cheating or knew he was a cheater in the past. I am not getting your implication - do people approve of cheating? That's pretty funny cause on here, almost every single post from a mistress/OW talks about how they never thought they would cheat, but now, they are so in love they just can't stop. They didn't approve of cheating, yet, here they are cheating and happy. I don't approve of alcoholics or drug addicts either. I don't approve of homophobes or racists. If my H had these qualities, I wouldn't be with him. How is this so different?

 

I am not sure I would have wanted to be with someone who could cheat on their spouse. I don't know - as I did not have to experience that situation. I do have the hots for a couple sports guys and he has the hots for JJ on Criminal Minds. We can have our fantasies. We can appreciate someone who is handsome/beautiful. That doesn't equate to cheating.

[Silly_Girl]

FO - you can quit playing victim with the 'calling names' claim ('desperate', 'broken' and 'pathetic' spring to mind from your own posts). I said that in my opinion a particular view was borne of arrogance or denial and I started this to investigate that and learn more. Don't like it? No need to contribute.

 

I'm sorry you found my questions confusing. I think you were looking for a hidden agenda. I was just interested. I'll leave it there.

[Glinda]

you can quit playing victim with the 'calling names' claim

Ironic.....

[donnamaybe]

Ironic.....

 

Innit though?

[cheergirl]

I guess it's only possible to be cheated on if you have the expectation of complete faithfulness, whatever de facto agreement you may have. So if you're reality based and acknowledge that sexual exclusivity - however desirable - is not always attainable, you are less likely to experience it as such a betrayal if it does come to pass that your SO plays outside of the yard.

 

In which case, a psychologist might well encourage such a view, since it was grounded in reality and acceptance rather than in denial and arrogance

 

Denial and arrogance hallmarks of the DPWA...

[cheergirl]

I think there are two answers.

 

Those who are 100% sure are in reality, trying to be sure of something that is impossible. The reality is you cannot ever know how someone else will behave to that extent.

 

Honestly I believe the "it'd never happen to me" idea is very similar to why we tend to believe we'll never be robbed, murdered, raped etc as well - it's always those other people, someone else.

 

Famous last words...

 

I am CURRENTLY affair proof because I am with a man who has shown his integrity and honesty, even in the face of a cheating spouse, for many decades. Now if we were to dissolve our R and I ended up with someone else, I may not be able to say that. However, if I came upon concrete or even circumstantial evidence that my current partner was not to be trusted, he'd be out the door.

 

As for "affair proofing" our R, there is no need. He trusts me, I trust him. I am free to go out with friends, male and/or female, and he is free to do the same. We are always invited to each other's outings, however. It's just that sometimes I want to go out and he doesn't or work schedules don't permit it, and vice versa.

 

So does currently cover the future as well?

I think we should be told...

[NoIDidn't]

I can't be sure of whether or not I will ever cheat to say that I know my H will never cheat. I can say that after the pain he caused me and our kids, that he doesn't want to repeat it, but people in affairs become totally stupid and make dumb decisions so he might find himself vulnerable again.

 

I can respect those that say that they know for certain that they won't cheat or that their SOs won't cheat, but experience has taught me to never say never, even when I think I'm certain.

[Steadfast]

After two marriages and two cheating wives, I suppose most would understand if I remain somewhat jaded. Both promised they'd never cheat, both did anyway. The second wife I take particular offense to...her knowing how hard it was for me the first time, and after all those years...

 

In some ways I'll never be the same. I just see things differently. That said, I'm encouraged by the faithful and strong. Inspired! They do exist. Unfortunately, they have not existed in my life, which I feel gives me a unique perspective. Sometimes I think I appreciate other men's wives more than they do. Where I hear them complain and groan over trivial things that I would have given anything to have back. Putting the best spin on it that I can, I've attempted to use my experiences in a positive way.

 

Crazy. I am happy! The exes? I don't know and have not asked. Great discussions like this help me understand what others faced; how they conquered or what caused them to fail. This is the beauty of LS I feel.

 

So, in the end I must say no. And while one can promise faithfulness, the proof lies in the doing, not the saying. My GF is not happy about my current opinion on the subject; she flatly states it'll never happen. Period.

 

My take is lifted directly from a (loose) quote by book author and infidelity expert Michelle Langley;

 

"Better to admit we're capable of cheating and choose not to, then live with the devastation of not meeting our own standards."

 

One of the strongholds that saw me through was the knowledge that I didn't. In each case, I resisted the temptation. I can't worry that it wasn't good enough...that I wasn't good enough...because each must choose for themselves. In the end, that's all we have; control over ourselves. In most cases, that's challenge enough.

[Silly_Girl]

Ironic.....

 

Innit though?

 

It's like the Chucklebrothers joined the thread

 

Steadfast - I like your take. Just wonder how you feel if you were to be referred to as jaded or bitter? I think not to rule it out is realism, but expecting it is cynical to the extreme and quite likely to increase the probability I'd say.

[Taramere]

This came up in another thread and I referred to it as denial/arrogance...

 

Many members on the board say they are 'positive' or 'sure' or even 'KNOW' their partner/husband wouldn't cheat on them.

 

You can't "know" something like that...or even be positive about it. When I got cheated on, I wouldn't say I was hugely astonished. I was disappointed. I felt it was really sneaky and dishonest of him, and that this was depressing given that he'd always presented his own honesty as one of the things he was most proud about. That was the part that really got me. Especially as I'd suspected something was up, and he'd made me feel a bit paranoid for exploring it with him.

 

On the other hand, even generally honest people are capable of giving in to temptation, telling lies to cover their tracks....and generally getting into a mess. I think when people remain outraged about things like that for the rest of their lives, they never grow into the kind of person who others feel able to be honest with.

 

We can never eliminate the risk of betrayal because not everything is within our control. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. It might be hostility to their partner/a generally poor relationship, it might be that they grew up in a home environment where parents cheated on eachother....or maybe they just suddenly met somebody they had a huge spark with and decided "to hell with it...I'm going to go for this."

 

I think rather than convincing themselves that they will never be cheated on, people are better off developing good internal coping systems so that if the worst ever did happen, they'd be well equipped to get through it without falling to pieces. Not to be a pessimist and think "It's going to happen...all men cheat...he'll cheat on me" but generally to not forever angst over life's uncertainties. Because angsting like that helps nobody.

[Silly_Girl]

Outstanding post Taramere.

[woinlove]

You can't "know" something like that...or even be positive about it. When I got cheated on, I wouldn't say I was hugely astonished. I was disappointed. I felt it was really sneaky and dishonest of him, and that this was depressing given that he'd always presented his own honesty as one of the things he was most proud about. That was the part that really got me. Especially as I'd suspected something was up, and he'd made me feel a bit paranoid for exploring it with him.

 

On the other hand, even generally honest people are capable of giving in to temptation, telling lies to cover their tracks....and generally getting into a mess. I think when people remain outraged about things like that for the rest of their lives, they never grow into the kind of person who others feel able to be honest with.

 

We can never eliminate the risk of betrayal because not everything is within our control. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. It might be hostility to their partner/a generally poor relationship, it might be that they grew up in a home environment where parents cheated on eachother....or maybe they just suddenly met somebody they had a huge spark with and decided "to hell with it...I'm going to go for this."

 

I think rather than convincing themselves that they will never be cheated on, people are better off developing good internal coping systems so that if the worst ever did happen, they'd be well equipped to get through it without falling to pieces. Not to be a pessimist and think "It's going to happen...all men cheat...he'll cheat on me" but generally to not forever angst over life's uncertainties. Because angsting like that helps nobody.

 

I find this list of reasons puzzling unless they are meant to list the rationalizations people might tell themselves? Must be more to the decision to cheat than those reasons, as some with those same circumstances will decide to divorce, put more effort into their marriage, talk to their spouse,... The actual reasons must reside in the individual themselves to some extent. On the last reason, a huge spark, unless someone is incredibly selfish and self-absorbed (in which case, are they even capable of having a good R?) I don't think they would say to hell with a great M and spouse they love, so there must be a lot more to the reason. My own reaction is to discuss sparks with my H and I may or may not pursue them, but it is done openly and honestly.

 

If one feels there is a significant chance of being cheating on, developing coping mechanisms for it is certainly useful. Although an alternative would be questioning whether the M should continue (or change significantly) because in most good marriages, the love, care and help from one's spouse is a significant part of one's coping mechanism for life's challenges, such as death of a loved one, etc. In general, I think it is best to develop the communication skills, openness and intimacy which will make such substantial deception unlikely.

Edited July 8, 2011 by woinlove

[Steadfast]

You're right SG - not expecting the 'inevitable' is the challenge for me. You made me cringe by saying that doing so actually increases the chances of it happening. Honestly? I'm not sure how to take that...besides just staying out of relationships all together. I have considered that, but a complete overhaul of my 'balance system' would need to be done to live alone for the rest of my life. Truthfully? It isn't something we talk about every day.

 

Thank God.

 

I've been called bitter but honestly I'm not. Letting her go along with the pain from her actions was critical for healing. The ex uses that line too; accusing me of holding a grudge when I put my foot down about something that's happening now. Can anyone else see the warped reasoning? The utter manipulation of that? It's the gift that keeps on giving.

 

When I got cheated on, I wouldn't say I was hugely astonished. I was disappointed. I felt it was really sneaky and dishonest of him, and that this was depressing given that he'd always presented his own honesty as one of the things he was most proud about. That was the part that really got me. Especially as I'd suspected something was up, and he'd made me feel a bit paranoid for exploring it with him.

 

Yep. The old mind fu*k is a difficult thing to overcome. Just recently, my ex told me we needed to 'work as a team' on some business regarding our daughter, and I told her that was impossible...in this case anyway. When she pressed the issue, I simply explained walking on eggshells was not my style, and that I was happier when she wasn't around. When someone makes you feel bad about yourself, that's when the line has been crossed.

 

I think rather than convincing themselves that they will never be cheated on, people are better off developing good internal coping systems so that if the worst ever did happen, they'd be well equipped to get through it without falling to pieces. Not to be a pessimist and think "It's going to happen...all men cheat...he'll cheat on me" but generally to not forever angst over life's uncertainties. Because angsting like that helps nobody.

 

It's allowing control they shouldn't have and ruins any future relationships. Well said-

[donnamaybe]

I think it is best to develop the communication skills, openness and intimacy which will make such substantial deception unlikely.

And if those skills have already been exercised extensively in a LTR one cannot have the confidence that their SO won't cheat? Sorry for all the nay sayers in this thread, but I have confidence that my man won't cheat. He is one to discuss anything that seems out of place in our R, which is good, so I would certainly know if he wasn't happy, and his stance on cheating is very strict. Also, he isn't needy OR desperate. He would leave if he weren't happy.

 

In the past, when he was much younger, he knew a gal who was M who, with her H's permission, f'd everything she could get her legs around, including nearly all his brothers. He never had any, and that was verified by a couple of the brothers just in general conversation about the "old days." I never asked and frankly wouldn't have cared - it was SO long ago. Her behavior and her "I'm so gorgeous no man can resist me" attitude just kind of made him go ewww. You should see her now. She looks like she's been through the wringer. Really hard and used up looking.

[donnamaybe]

Yea so it wouldn't bother you that he got "busy" with a married woman in his past (yea right). How do you know he's not just lying to you and his brothers were backing him up on the story? And you say that you never even asked about it? Something smelling good.

Think what you please. I don't really care. I am living this R with my man, and I have been privy to the conversations about the past "good times" between the brothers. I know there are some women (and men) who are so insecure that they can't even IMAGINE their current partner having had sex with anyone else, even in ancient history. Poor pathetic things. Maybe some day their emotional health will improve. One can only hope.

[xxoo]

You're right SG - not expecting the 'inevitable' is the challenge for me. You made me cringe by saying that doing so actually increases the chances of it happening. Honestly? I'm not sure how to take that...besides just staying out of relationships all together.

 

I do believe in the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. I know that, if I spend any time imagining my H hypothetically cheating on me, it affects my ability to open my heart to him in the here and now.

 

Were there no warning signs when your past partner's cheated? I haven't been in your shoes, but I believe it is more powerful to trust ourselves than to trust another. For me, in part, that means trusting that I will notice warning signs, should they occur. And trusting that things are ok in the absence of any warning signs.

[Steadfast]

I do believe in the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. I know that, if I spend any time imagining my H hypothetically cheating on me, it affects my ability to open my heart to him in the here and now.

 

I appreciate this because I have more work to do in this area. See, I didn't think so until I developed feelings for someone else. I've opened myself up...

 

Were there no warning signs when your past partner's cheated? I haven't been in your shoes, but I believe it is more powerful to trust ourselves than to trust another. For me, in part, that means trusting that I will notice warning signs, should they occur. And trusting that things are ok in the absence of any warning signs.

 

Yes, and they were eerily the same. What happened in both cases went far beyond anything I had personally done (or not done) limiting my power to do anything about it. Please understand I have done the work on this...I'm not in denial. Both exes have admitted it, even if I was blamed at the time. I certainly wasn't perfect and that hasn't changed. I was powerless.

 

Funny how that doesn't make me feel any better. Truth is, I just didn't choose wisely.

[Silly_Girl]

You're right SG - not expecting the 'inevitable' is the challenge for me. You made me cringe by saying that doing so actually increases the chances of it happening. Honestly? I'm not sure how to take that...besides just staying out of relationships all together. I have considered that, but a complete overhaul of my 'balance system' would need to be done to live alone for the rest of my life. Truthfully? It isn't something we talk about every day.

 

Thank God.

 

Amen to that!

 

I think if it's on your mind and you're expecting it, your reactions will be different to those that aren't.

 

If it's a worry to you I'd imagine you'd be more suspicious, which is never a good thing. After a while that may weigh heavily on the trust issue and either affect the intimacy in the relationship (distancing the partners) or in extreme cases the partner may feel they will never be trusted no matter what and so have less to lose if they cheated....

 

I wasn't suggested you were in that category I've just always believed that a lack of trust (when not justified in THAT relationship) is more likely to reap infidelity.

Edited July 8, 2011 by Silly_Girl