'Won't be cheated on'. Why are you affair-proof?

[OWoman]

And if those skills have already been exercised extensively in a LTR one cannot have the confidence that their SO won't cheat?

 

After 30 years of devout loyalty and faithfulness from my H, his xW thought that, too. She couldn't believe he was capable of that, and was still in denial about it after he'd dumped her.

 

It WAS very out of character for him. But he did it.

[Silly_Girl]

After 30 years of devout loyalty and faithfulness from my H, his xW thought that, too. She couldn't believe he was capable of that, and was still in denial about it after he'd dumped her.

 

It WAS very out of character for him. But he did it.

 

Maybe Donna means she tested him with some kind of honey trap and he passed.

[woinlove]

After 30 years of devout loyalty and faithfulness from my H, his xW thought that, too. She couldn't believe he was capable of that, and was still in denial about it after he'd dumped her.

 

It WAS very out of character for him. But he did it.

 

Perhaps you were just using Donna's post as a jumping off point for your own point, but if not.... the skills Donna referred to are communication, openness and intimacy. I'm curious what might have changed to go from 30 years of such openness and intimacy with his W to another state. The way you've talk about his xW in other posts does not suggest 30 intimate, loving 30 years - which one would typically value a tremendous amount no matter how things change after the 30 years. Some people never even experience a decade of such openness and intimacy, never mind 30 years.

[Bionic Me]

Donna, why you still post here is beyond me. Few people here have no respect for you and speak to you like you're a child that shall be picked on. Kind of Bully'ish. Stop explaining yourself already. Don't you see that the replies are an attempt to down you?

 

Suck mockery has taken place on this thread. In case you have not noticed, it's based on your R and seems to be directed towards the wives around here. Shame! Shame! Shame!

[donnamaybe]

Donna, why you still post here is beyond me. Few people here have no respect for you and speak to you like you're a child that shall be picked on. Kind of Bully'ish. Stop explaining yourself already. Don't you see that the replies are an attempt to down you?

 

Suck mockery has taken place on this thread. In case you have not noticed, it's based on your R and seems to be directed towards the wives around here. Shame! Shame! Shame!

Those few are like dust on my shoulder. Some I have on ignore as their constant picking does get tiresome. However, if I let certain replies go unchallenged it would be, at times, as though I agree with them or have no valid response.

 

There are people here who are hurting and question their own thought process RE: relationships. There was a guy who used to be a regular here who constantly second guessed himself and his ability to "win" a girlfriend. I was personally thanked by him for my posts and my encouragement that he CAN be happy with a nice girl. He had found someone and I believe they are still together! That makes me SO happy to know that others are happy in their R's.

 

There are also others who are struggling to get out of an A, and yet others who are struggling to recover their M from one. I have had many people in those circumstances thank me for my encouragement, well wishes, and thoughts and others who state very clearly that they enjoy my posts. I, in turn, also enjoy the posting by many MANY members of LS.

 

So I should let a mere few run me off? Not a chance!

[donnamaybe]

donna.........you and I don't always see eye to eye on things and even on this subject, my opinion is a little different than yours, but so what, you are entitled to yours and I'm entitled to mine. Regardless of our differences, I like the fact that you want women to be empowered and not fall victim to some lying *******'s manipulations. You want women to respect themselves and find someone who respects them........and that is a very good thing.

Exactly. And, BTW, yours are some of my favorite posts. You are on the path to complete empowerment (if not already there), and though some have made disparaging remarks on your methods of introspection, I think it's a very intelligent move on your part to examine anything which may have brought you into situations that you now feel weren't good for you.

 

Keep on keepin' on honey!

[Glinda]

It's like the Chucklebrothers joined the thread

 

You are called out on your name calling and you respond with more of the same. SMH. That might work on the playground, but it doesn't help you with the adults here seeking intelligent discourse.

[Silly_Girl]

You are called out on your name calling and you respond with more of the same. SMH. That might work on the playground, but it doesn't help you with the adults here seeking intelligent discourse.

 

Detention for Silly....

 

[MissBee]

I do believe in the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. I know that, if I spend any time imagining my H hypothetically cheating on me, it affects my ability to open my heart to him in the here and now.

 

Were there no warning signs when your past partner's cheated? I haven't been in your shoes, but I believe it is more powerful to trust ourselves than to trust another. For me, in part, that means trusting that I will notice warning signs, should they occur. And trusting that things are ok in the absence of any warning signs.

 

Xxoo...that's exactly how I feel. Well said!

 

I cannot control others but I do know that cultivating discernment is the best thing you can do for yourself.

[MissBee]

Perhaps you were just using Donna's post as a jumping off point for your own point, but if not.... the skills Donna referred to are communication, openness and intimacy. I'm curious what might have changed to go from 30 years of such openness and intimacy with his W to another state. The way you've talk about his xW in other posts does not suggest 30 intimate, loving 30 years - which one would typically value a tremendous amount no matter how things change after the 30 years. Some people never even experience a decade of such openness and intimacy, never mind 30 years.

 

Very much so.

 

Also....one person's perception of a marriage, if it isn't in alignment with the other party's perception...then it has already gone bad. If I am believing my marriage is so great but my partner does not, and I am completely out of touch with the true feelings of the other person....then what I think doesn't matter, as it is not reflective of the actual reality.

 

Perhaps that is the difference between great marriages and ones that are tepid or disastrous....in a great one those skills are well-developed and both people are at the same "temperature" or are in the know about what is going on. They act as co-pilots of the marriage and are on the same page...not passenger and driver or two passengers or a pedestrian outside of the car who thinks he/she is co-pilot or some other state of imbalance.

[OWoman]

Perhaps you were just using Donna's post as a jumping off point for your own point, but if not.... the skills Donna referred to are communication, openness and intimacy. I'm curious what might have changed to go from 30 years of such openness and intimacy with his W to another state. The way you've talk about his xW in other posts does not suggest 30 intimate, loving 30 years - which one would typically value a tremendous amount no matter how things change after the 30 years. Some people never even experience a decade of such openness and intimacy, never mind 30 years.

 

His BW would have claimed that all of those were present in their M. She thought the M was just perfect, whatever anyone outside of it might have thought.

 

Which was my point - to someone within a R it might seem that everything is just wonderful and their partner would never, could never cheat on them... and then they get a nasty shock. These forums are full of stories like that. You needn't pick on my H's 1st M as if it's an anomaly in that regard; there are many other examples around here to choose if you don't like that one.

[donnamaybe]

His BW would have claimed that all of those were present in their M. She thought the M was just perfect, whatever anyone outside of it might have thought.

And there's the problem right there. She was obviously the only one who thought so.

 

My man is quite different than her ex in that he actually says what's on his mind, thus, we have an opportunity to discuss any issues he feel may need to be discussed. He's NEVER afraid to broach any subject with me.

[NoIDidn't]

I feel the need to chime in too, not that you need my help defending your position, as you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

 

That said. I truly don't understand why Donna is wrong and others feel the need to belittle her position. So what? She trusts her man. So what? She believes he won't cheat on her. I for one hope she's correct and doesn't have to go through all the bull shyte of an A. But seriously don't see why she has to defend her R with people who don't know her man. Isn't SHE in the best position to know his character? I say yes.

 

Just because YOUR man cheated on you or you successfully snatched a MM from his 30 year marriage, or were/are the OW, doesn't mean all men are from the same ilk as these men are/were.

 

It truly hurts no one for her belief and I don't understand why all the back and forth.

 

Rock on Donna, and I DO enjoy your posts and agree that you give helpful advice and insight. I for one have listened and benefitted. Thank you.

 

 

Agreed. I don't see the need for anyone to explain their beliefs to people that are just going to turn around and use that bit of history as ammunition for their next dig.

[donnamaybe]

I feel the need to chime in too, not that you need my help defending your position, as you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

 

That said. I truly don't understand why Donna is wrong and others feel the need to belittle her position. So what? She trusts her man. So what? She believes he won't cheat on her. I for one hope she's correct and doesn't have to go through all the bull shyte of an A. But seriously don't see why she has to defend her R with people who don't know her man. Isn't SHE in the best position to know his character? I say yes.

 

Just because YOUR man cheated on you or you successfully snatched a MM from his 30 year marriage, or were/are the OW, doesn't mean all men are from the same ilk as these men are/were.

 

It truly hurts no one for her belief and I don't understand why all the back and forth.

 

Rock on Donna, and I DO enjoy your posts and agree that you give helpful advice and insight. I for one have listened and benefitted. Thank you.

Awww, thanks hon!

 

As for the bolded, if that's the reason some people will remain ever suspicious, then why be in a R with that person, or anyone for that matter?

 

I recall when my dad was a cop back in the day. His work made him a little jaded, and he was always suspecting his kids were going to do something wrong or already had. It almost made you feel like you might as well, since you were being accused of it anyway. That's probably what would happen in a R wherein one party was always thinking the other might cheat.

[Silly_Girl]

Not sure why the thread's about Donna. I'm genuinely dubious about anyone claiming they KNOW (i.e. a fact) their partner won't cheat when it's happened to a lot of good folk here. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[OWoman]

Silly,

 

I think it became about Donna, because she was ridiculed ad nauseam for her belief in her man. That's pretty simple. No big mystery.

 

I didn't see any of that. Certainly the point I was making was a far more general one, which was why I withdrew when donna insisted on making it all about her instead of discussing the general point, which was what I thought the thread was about.

 

Many stories on here have shown that a SO can love and trust their SO completely, and believe honestly that everything is just great in their R - and still be blindsided by their SO cheating on them. Believing completely on the basis of past behaviour = even over decades - is no guarantee against infidelity.

[xxoo]

His BW would have claimed that all of those were present in their M. She thought the M was just perfect, whatever anyone outside of it might have thought.

 

His BW was also cheating, right?

 

It is difficult for me to understand how she would be cheating, and also claim a perfect marriage...

[LilyBart]

That said. I truly don't understand why Donna is wrong and others feel the need to belittle her position. So what? She trusts her man. So what? She believes he won't cheat on her. I for one hope she's correct and doesn't have to go through all the bull shyte of an A. But seriously don't see why she has to defend her R with people who don't know her man. Isn't SHE in the best position to know his character? I say yes.

 

Oh oh OH!!!!! THIS has got to be the funniest thing I've read so far!

 

How many people who are APs to their MPs have had to "defend their R" on a forum "theoretically" created for OW/OM? Plenty.

 

Come on! If SHE (meaning Donna) is in the best position to "know his character" then every single AP should be given the same courtesy. But no. Plenty of times the same old lines get thrown out ad nauseum - he's a cake eater who couldn't possibly love you etc.

 

And you know the drill - this is a PUBLIC forum. People can comment as they please as long as it's within TOS.

[waytogo]

Oh oh OH!!!!! THIS has got to be the funniest thing I've read so far!

 

How many people who are APs to their MPs have had to "defend their R" on a forum "theoretically" created for OW/OM? Plenty.

 

Come on! If SHE (meaning Donna) is in the best position to "know his character" then every single AP should be given the same courtesy. But no. Plenty of times the same old lines get thrown out ad nauseum - he's a cake eater who couldn't possibly love you etc.

 

And you know the drill - this is a PUBLIC forum. People can comment as they please as long as it's within TOS.

 

LB, I'm not stomping your post here, but there's a blaring truth. Knowing OW already KNOW they are involved with a cheater. Sometimes they know they aren't the 1st OW.

 

History can be a predictor without other changes in a person. You are right that 'he can't possibly love you' can't be determined by others in many of these cases. Some OP state things that do make that obvious. Others may well be loved. The question in most is, what does MM love more, himself? his security? The norm of his life with another who's left a secret? If the OW doesn't want to be a secret, he is putting other things above her, mostly for himself.

 

Can an MM ever really love his OW? Of course. Maybe even love his BW at the same time. What will he choice if the chips come down? Even when he chooses home, he may not really have chosen either, but chose himself.

[pureinheart]

Funny I was thinking the same thing for a different reason. Death is pretty damn sure.

 

Not according to my faith. When the Rapture occurs those that are caught up escape a physical death.

[bentnotbroken]

Not according to my faith. When the Rapture occurs those that are caught up escape a physical death.

 

 

Yes, they do. We are hoping with the number of folks who are non believers that the rapture is a ways off(though I wouldn't bet on it). Glad you got your point out there.

[fooled once]

This came up in another thread and I referred to it as denial/arrogance...

 

 

 

FO - you can quit playing victim with the 'calling names' claim ('desperate', 'broken' and 'pathetic' spring to mind from your own posts). I said that in my opinion a particular view was borne of arrogance or denial and I started this to investigate that and learn more. Don't like it? No need to contribute.

 

I'm sorry you found my questions confusing. I think you were looking for a hidden agenda. I was just interested. I'll leave it there.

 

And you continued to keep poking at those of us who believe in our spouse and who believe in our own morals and beliefs. Instead of respecting our views, you need to continually take shots that we don't know what the future holds and we are arrogant or in denial about ourselves and our spouse. Some of us tried time and time again to state that no, we KNOW ourselves so we are not arrogant or in denial and the "you don't know" comments kept continuing.

 

I responded to restate my view and to let others know that it IS possible to be faithful and honest in any relationship and to not be a cheater. Millions of people go throughout their lives and don't cheat; it isn't a side show trick. Heck, it isn't even a hard thing to do - to keep your word and to honor promises made. If I can't honor those promises, I change the agreement through divorce or open and honest communication. Too many people like to think being faithful is a trait only a few possess, when it really isn't.

 

You can't "know" something like that...or even be positive about it. When I got cheated on, I wouldn't say I was hugely astonished. I was disappointed. I felt it was really sneaky and dishonest of him, and that this was depressing given that he'd always presented his own honesty as one of the things he was most proud about. That was the part that really got me. Especially as I'd suspected something was up, and he'd made me feel a bit paranoid for exploring it with him.

 

**You can't control another person, I agree. But you can control yourself. Giving into attraction and starting an affair isn't something a person has no control over, no matter how anyone wants to spin it. You do have control/power. Many chose to not use it.

 

I am very sorry that you were cheated on. Seems like many cheaters have the same qualities; sneaking, underhanded, dishonest and I find it very sad that innocent people are hurt by people who are so selfish and so self centered.

 

On the other hand, even generally honest people are capable of giving in to temptation, telling lies to cover their tracks....and generally getting into a mess. I think when people remain outraged about things like that for the rest of their lives, they never grow into the kind of person who others feel able to be honest with.

 

**Of course some people give into temptation. If they didn't, there wouldn't be affairs Cheating doesn't equal a bad human being; it is a bad characteristic of a person. One of my closest friends is married to her affair partner and they have a great marriage. Even she admits she hates how they started; but she and their kids have managed to be one of the small percentage of people who have 'survived' an affair. They have been together over 5 years and going strong. We vacation together and I love watching how much they love each other.

 

We can never eliminate the risk of betrayal because not everything is within our control. People cheat for all kinds of reasons.

 

**I agree, because we cannot control others; only ourselves. But there are many who believe 100% in their spouse. Honestly, if you can't believe in your spouse, why bother marrying? To ME, part of love is honesty and trust. Without those, then it isn't 'real' love to me.

 

I think rather than convincing themselves that they will never be cheated on, people are better off developing good internal coping systems so that if the worst ever did happen, they'd be well equipped to get through it without falling to pieces. Not to be a pessimist and think "It's going to happen...all men cheat...he'll cheat on me" but generally to not forever angst over life's uncertainties. Because angsting like that helps nobody.

 

**I find this impossible because you (general you) never know how you will react to something. It is almost as if saying "my child may die before me so I better prepare myself for that". What is wrong with falling to pieces when someone you love hurts you to the soul? Coping mechanisms are great in theory, but many times when blindsided by a life changing event, we can only fall to pieces. A dear friend died a few years ago. We knew he was going to die, and it was just a matter of time. Knowing that didn't 'soften' the blow any when he did die. His wife, even with the knowledge he was going to die, didn't suffer any less when he did pass. It still broke her to pieces.

 

..... I know there are some women (and men) who are so insecure that they can't even IMAGINE their current partner having had sex with anyone else, even in ancient history. Poor pathetic things. Maybe some day their emotional health will improve. One can only hope.

 

You go girl Great post! My H and I, when we were dating, were discussing our past relationships. He didn't want to know that I had been with men prior to him :laugh: even though I had a child :laugh: I know my past history bothered him way more than his past history bothered me.

 

I feel the need to chime in too, not that you need my help defending your position, as you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

 

That said. I truly don't understand why Donna is wrong and others feel the need to belittle her position. So what? She trusts her man. So what? She believes he won't cheat on her. I for one hope she's correct and doesn't have to go through all the bull shyte of an A. But seriously don't see why she has to defend her R with people who don't know her man. Isn't SHE in the best position to know his character? I say yes.

 

Just because YOUR man cheated on you or you successfully snatched a MM from his 30 year marriage, or were/are the OW, doesn't mean all men are from the same ilk as these men are/were.

 

It truly hurts no one for her belief and I don't understand why all the back and forth.

 

Rock on Donna, and I DO enjoy your posts and agree that you give helpful advice and insight. I for one have listened and benefitted. Thank you.

 

Great post Wiser.

[Silly_Girl]

Silly,

 

I think it became about Donna, because she was ridiculed ad nauseam for her belief in her man. That's pretty simple. No big mystery.

 

Ah. Interesting comments.

Cheers.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh oh OH!!!!! THIS has got to be the funniest thing I've read so far!

 

How many people who are APs to their MPs have had to "defend their R" on a forum "theoretically" created for OW/OM? Plenty.

 

Come on! If SHE (meaning Donna) is in the best position to "know his character" then every single AP should be given the same courtesy. But no. Plenty of times the same old lines get thrown out ad nauseum - he's a cake eater who couldn't possibly love you etc.

 

And you know the drill - this is a PUBLIC forum. People can comment as they please as long as it's within TOS.

 

The irony for me is the enormous number of times some posters can dispute another's viewpoint, ridicule them, high-five their buddies whilst mocking and teasing, but if the discussion actually involves them and becomes an exchange of substance, it's no longer called debating or 'calling it like you see it' (or the list of other stuff that gets trotted out) it's called bullying. Nature of the clique mentality I guess. Real shame though.

[Silly_Girl]

**I find this impossible because you (general you) never know how you will react to something. It is almost as if saying "my child may die before me so I better prepare myself for that". What is wrong with falling to pieces when someone you love hurts you to the soul? Coping mechanisms are great in theory, but many times when blindsided by a life changing event, we can only fall to pieces. A dear friend died a few years ago. We knew he was going to die, and it was just a matter of time. Knowing that didn't 'soften' the blow any when he did die. His wife, even with the knowledge he was going to die, didn't suffer any less when he did pass. It still broke her to pieces.

 

FO, having suffered depression more than once in the past and had suicidal thoughts I'm not sure I can roll with 'what's wrong with falling to pieces when heartbroken?'... But that's a personal thing.

 

I thought you wanted women to be empowered, not be victims of bad treatment within relationships?

 

Who do you think is most likely to cope best if their husband cheats on them? Taramere and Steadfast for example who say they're not focused on it or expecting it but they absolutely have an awareness it can happen in any relationship, there relationships are not invincible? Or yourself and Donna who say no way, nope, can't happen, absolutely not possible, not a chance, I'm safe and protected from all that?