A very hard decision...

[Jessica232]

Alright, you were all right. Did you get that, or did it just sound like a hot mess?

 

Well, I'm a hot mess right now. I've posted a few times about my relationship with a MM. His W found out awhile ago (I told her), and we stopped talking for about a month. Then we started again, and things were going really well. REALLY REALLY well. I really thought we had a future. Long story short, it's been a crazy roller coaster ride. And I'm ready to get off the ride.

 

I don't want to get into details, but I'm so ready to move on. Here's my dilemma, and where I'm looking for advice. I work with this guy. Not in the same dept., but close enough where I would see him every day. I've tried in the past to end things between us, only to get drawn in again because of the work proximity, and seeing him is just so hard. It is super hard for me to even be at work, with all the memories and feelings.

 

My question is, can I realistically stay there, and keep NC?? Well, not even keep NC...I could try hard, but could I even being to heal if I stay?? I LOVE my job, the pay is fantastic, the benefits are unreal, but I honestly don't think I'll gain closure if I stay. I feel ok right now. A bit empty, but not sad. I think if I go to work (I've skipped two days now), I'll get sad, and I'll have a setback.

 

Please give me opinions!! And, I don't want to hear you say, I told ya so. You did, and you were right, but I don't need that right now. TIA!!

[MissBee]

Word to the wise: avoid work place romances, be they affairs or otherwise. Heartache is bad enough without it also messing with your livelihood.

 

 

Had to say that...but back to the point:

 

I have never broken up with anyone I work with or whom I've had to be around so it has been easy for me to go NC and keep it moving, so I can't say I have personal experiences with that. It's a hard situation, I can imagine. It depends on how well you are able to compartmentalize. If you can do that well then I would suggest making yourself busy at work and ignoring him, but in the early days when it is fresh it is very hard when you don't even see this person, furthermore when you do.

 

I'd suggest you at least try. But I can also imagine having to consciously ignore and avoid someone will make one dread going to work and you will always be on edge...

 

It really depends on how much your state of mind is affected by this. If you have tried for a while, and it's torture, perhaps finding a different job would be better for your overall mental and emotional health, and who knows, sometimes life gives you a new start and you may find a job you like more that is also fulfilling and pays well. I'd look around for new jobs in case, but go in to work with affirmations of how to be strong and focused so that you keep the workplace as business only and kind of leave your emotions at the door.

 

Can you see yourself being able to do that?

[fooled once]

Alright, you were all right. Did you get that, or did it just sound like a hot mess?

 

Well, I'm a hot mess right now. I've posted a few times about my relationship with a MM. His W found out awhile ago (I told her), and we stopped talking for about a month. Then we started again, and things were going really well. REALLY REALLY well. I really thought we had a future. Long story short, it's been a crazy roller coaster ride. And I'm ready to get off the ride.

 

I don't want to get into details, but I'm so ready to move on. Here's my dilemma, and where I'm looking for advice. I work with this guy. Not in the same dept., but close enough where I would see him every day. I've tried in the past to end things between us, only to get drawn in again because of the work proximity, and seeing him is just so hard. It is super hard for me to even be at work, with all the memories and feelings.

 

My question is, can I realistically stay there, and keep NC?? Well, not even keep NC...I could try hard, but could I even being to heal if I stay?? I LOVE my job, the pay is fantastic, the benefits are unreal, but I honestly don't think I'll gain closure if I stay. I feel ok right now. A bit empty, but not sad. I think if I go to work (I've skipped two days now), I'll get sad, and I'll have a setback.

 

Please give me opinions!! And, I don't want to hear you say, I told ya so. You did, and you were right, but I don't need that right now. TIA!!

 

Sure you can stay there. You just have to stick to your guns; mean what you say and say what you mean. If you are done, no amount of anything is going to make you get back into bed with him. Closure comes from within you; not from ignoring him or trying to erase the memories. The memories will fade in time. If you are positive you are done, ensure he knows it and focus on YOU and getting YOUR life back. See if there is another location you can transfer to if you truly feel you can't stay away from him.

 

Stand up for your decision. If he starts to try to suck you back in, report him to HR. Let them know you have chosen to end an affair with him and he is not taking no for an answer. See how fast that straightens him up

[whichwayisup]

Just keep your eyes open for another job. If an opportunity comes your way, grab it and don't think twice about changing your job.

 

Completely ignore him on any personal level and if you need to deal with him at all, only professional work conversations. If he tries to talk to you about anything else, say nothing and walk away. Eventually he'll stop once he knows you won't be pushed around or manipulated by him.

[TurboGirl]

Grow up, go back to your job and do not speak to this guy.

 

Memories...feelings... are you at work to WORK?? Most people do work when at their job, not thinking about all kinds of other crap.

 

If you have all that extra time at work to think about your life, perhaps spend that time looking for a new job to get out of there... if you really WANT to, that is. As long as you are at that job, there will be the secret drama of this xMM.

 

You can make the change if you want to. If not, you can stay at the job & keep going back & forth with this guy and just wallowing in the drama and sadness and impossibility of it all. OR you can wake up & smell the coffee & take control of your life and get a new job. (oh... and at the new job, stay away from male co-workers, ok?) It is all up to you.

[YellowShark]

Two easy rules.

 

1) Never fish off the company pier.

 

2) Never hook up with someone who is married.

 

Those two simple rules-of-life will save you so much grief, pain, and psychological turmoil.

[TigerCub]

Alright, you were all right. Did you get that, or did it just sound like a hot mess?

 

Well, I'm a hot mess right now. I've posted a few times about my relationship with a MM. His W found out awhile ago (I told her), and we stopped talking for about a month. Then we started again, and things were going really well. REALLY REALLY well. I really thought we had a future. Long story short, it's been a crazy roller coaster ride. And I'm ready to get off the ride.

 

I don't want to get into details, but I'm so ready to move on. Here's my dilemma, and where I'm looking for advice. I work with this guy. Not in the same dept., but close enough where I would see him every day. I've tried in the past to end things between us, only to get drawn in again because of the work proximity, and seeing him is just so hard. It is super hard for me to even be at work, with all the memories and feelings.

 

My question is, can I realistically stay there, and keep NC?? Well, not even keep NC...I could try hard, but could I even being to heal if I stay?? I LOVE my job, the pay is fantastic, the benefits are unreal, but I honestly don't think I'll gain closure if I stay. I feel ok right now. A bit empty, but not sad. I think if I go to work (I've skipped two days now), I'll get sad, and I'll have a setback.

 

Please give me opinions!! And, I don't want to hear you say, I told ya so. You did, and you were right, but I don't need that right now. TIA!!

 

Hey Jess

 

First of all, good for you for deciding to do what's best for you.

 

Now...the workplace stuff

You say he's not in the same department but you see him every day.

Does he work on your floor?

 

If not, then you're in the same situation I was in with xMM.

He worked in the same building as me.

 

I certainly didn't see him every day if I didn't want to, I'd run into him in the building by chance after ending the A, but not often.

 

Its really hard to cut ties if they are in the workplace, gosh, like everything had a memory of him, the hall by my floor's elevators, the staircase , the boardrooms:o - oyi, it was tough to be in those places and not have an image of him.

 

But...it can be done.

 

If he doesn't work on the same floor as you, then its easier to avoid him by changing your routine a little:

 

maybe if you change your work hours a bit, that would help because then you wouldn't be "running" into him coming into work or leaving work.

 

Change where you go for lunch, change the time for you breaks by a little bit.

 

That will help in the first while because it will help you avoid bumping into him.

 

I'm certainly not saying run and hide, but if you make a few changes your chances of seeing him will lessen and that will be helpful at the beginning.

 

Good luck

 

If none of that helps and you can't get over him because you see him all the time and you fear you're gonna get sucked back in, then it may be best for your own well-being to find something elsewhere, but don't be so quick to give up a great job at the very beginning, see how it goes first.

[TigerCub]

Sure you can stay there. You just have to stick to your guns; mean what you say and say what you mean. If you are done, no amount of anything is going to make you get back into bed with him. Closure comes from within you; not from ignoring him or trying to erase the memories. The memories will fade in time. If you are positive you are done, ensure he knows it and focus on YOU and getting YOUR life back.

 

Fooled has the right idea!

 

In addition to what I told you Jess, my stance was pretty much like what's quoted here.

 

Sure there are memories, and a history and stuff, but my determination to end things once a for all were way stronger than anything a memory could have offered me.

 

Stick to your guns and put yourself first and you will be ok.

[Jessica232]

Thank you so much for the replies. I have decided I am going into work tomorrow, with my head held high. Though he won't be there tomorrow.

 

But he will be there on Saturday, and I'm certain it will be tough. I will be firm, I will avoid him, and at the end of the day I realize....I cannot let him take this away from me. He's taken enough, and why would I even consider letting him have that control over me?? I know seeing me is just as hurtful and hard for him, so why would I give him the easy way out??

[MissBee]

Thank you so much for the replies. I have decided I am going into work tomorrow, with my head held high. Though he won't be there tomorrow.

 

But he will be there on Saturday, and I'm certain it will be tough. I will be firm, I will avoid him, and at the end of the day I realize....I cannot let him take this away from me. He's taken enough, and why would I even consider letting him have that control over me?? I know seeing me is just as hurtful and hard for him, so why would I give him the easy way out??

 

Good for you Jess!