Getting Over an Abbusive Relationship

[fallenenvy]

Why is it just so hard to get over a bad relationship?

 

Here's my story that I've never really gotten out before. I hated to talk about it or admit some of the things that happened to me.

 

I was always a very strong woman. I never took anything from anyone.. until one day i ended up with a bad man.

 

I was 17 and he was 21. I was fresh out of highschool and about to go to college. I had been deeply hurt by a guy and i just wanted to move on. Thats when... lets just refer to him as "he".. came into my life. At first he seemed understanding.. like he could be good for me. Although he wasn't very attractive i needed someone and it seemed like he did to and perhaps we could help each other heal.

 

When we got together officially though, he changed. It started one day when he wouldn't stop being mopey. I couldn't take it anymore and got up to walk out of his room. He lost his temper.. grabbed me.. threw me across the room and narrowly avoided punching me in the face (i moved). At this point i got away grabbed my stuff ran out and called a friend to pick me up.

 

However, like an idiot, i went back. The abuse escalated to extremes. He told me constantly i wasn't good enough; wasn't femanin enough. I wasn't allowed to mess with computers anymore.. wasn't allowed to play games. I was to dress in cute pink things and act like a "girly girl". If i didn't he hit me threw me around and strangeled me. He isolated me from all my friends. Would control my phone; look through my calls and messages... i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone; especially not men.

 

The abuse quickly turned sexual as well. He would rape me if i said no, tie me down if i tried to fight him. He told me i was a slut and i really wanted it. He would make me play out his sick fantisies of having sex with a young girl.... and the worse was he would not wear a condom.

 

Of course the worse quickly happened and i became pregnant. I decided to have an abortion because i could not bring myself to bear his child... For this descision i was beaten and punched in the stomach.

 

After about a year i moved about 50 miles away and used the safety of distance to get away from him. When i left him it was hard. I cried a lot. I was lonely.. but i stuck with my descision and didn't contact him. Here it is a few years later. I'm 22 now. I'm in a relationship with a good man. He doesn't abuse me and would give the world to take care of me.

 

But the problem is i still flash back to the abuse. I'm still jumpy... and i think i have changed badly because of it. Granted i am more or less back to my strong willed old self but i think part of me was drastically broken. I'm not as sweet to my bf as i should be... im hard and often times just plain mean for no good reason. I was never like this before. I'm insecure past what i ever thought was possible.

 

I don't know if i can ever get over everything he did to me. I find myself still hating him and wanting revenge; but what good would that do me? Revenge is not a good thing..... He delivers pizza where i lived.. and showed up at my house one night with a pizza... it made me sick. I find myself continously flashing back even more so now then when i broke up with him.

 

I find myself asking why was i so weak? why did i stay with a man that hit and raped me? Why did i let this happen to me? Not like he was a strong man. He's actually very small and i was always a fighter.. so why didn't i fight back?

 

Most important question.. will i ever be normal again? Will i be able to feel secure in a relationship with a good man... will i be able to have a normal relationship at all? Will i ever look at sex the same way.....

 

So many questions like these with unknown answers. I just feel so alone sometimes.. espeically when people critisize me for staying with the guy for almost a year.. when even i don't know why the hell i did it.

 

~Fallen Envy

[BeavisMom62]

It takes awhile to get over it. You might need some counseling. I was in a horribly abusive marriage ten years ago. Beaten, slapped, punched, burned, kicked, thrown, bitten....you name it. But its funny, its the littlest things that make me jump out of my skin. He used to snap me with rubber bands or "rat tail" me with a towel. To this day if I hear either one of those sounds, it makes me jump and flinch. And heaven help you if you sneak up on me! I'll jump to the ceiling like a cat. It just takes time. Just stay away from him, NC! You don't need to find anyone else, learn to love yourself and keep telling yourself that you didnt' deserve that treatment.

[fallenenvy]

yeah funny thing is hes a sex offender now. decided to have sex with a 14yr old.. hes 24. guess that explains the roleplaying :-/ wish he was in jail and didn't get off so easy. Also makes me wish even more i had pressed charges when all the bruises still showed.

 

~fallen eny

[BB07]

fallen, your story is so sad. I'm sorry this happened to you. Hugs

 

Maybe you should get some counseling, it couldn't hurt you know. You SURVIVED a traumatic experience and an asshat of a man.

[fallenenvy]

Thanks BB the hugs help :-) honestly I've been stuffing all this away for several years and it feels kinda good just to get it out and say it happened.

 

The thing i hate the most is women that say "if i man ever hit me i'd leave..." or something similar because until you end up in that situation you DON'T know what you will do. I always said id turn around and hit back.. then leave... obviously that didn't happen. I cowered and cried and believed he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again... until it did.. over and over.

 

I've thought a bit about councling.. if nothing else to help me get over it and have a healthy relationship with my wonderful bf.... but i've always been so against it. My family was always rather strong on the issue and said it was for weak minded people.... although i don't agree it is hard to think otherwise with that being instilled in me since i was a child. That is yet another hurdle i need to try to get over.

 

Thanks for the support

 

~fallen envy

[blacksheep88]

I know exactly what you are going through, I too am in a good relationship now and I love this man but there are times that I can't stand to be touched and I know it hurts him but I can't help pulling away. I actually married my abuser and he cheated on me so many times he also was having sex with a 14 year old girl and gave her my engagement ring while we were together ( i had to see her wear it while I was filling out police reports) I did turn him in on the statutory rape stuff and they didnt even care about the bruises I had all they cared about was the rape charges on the young girl. Her parents wanted to drop it and eventually it was plead down. I was and still am disgusted with the world because he got off with just 5 years probation. I hate him, and hate myself for ever allowing it to happen. No one believed me because he was in the military even when I did and still have the proof, police reports where he broke a jar of spinach dip on my head pics of bruises and messages between him and that girl. It hurts me that no one believed me until I wanted to kill myself. Then they started looking at the proof. I still am not out of the woods yet, I still have bad dreams and hurt sometimes, but my new man is wonderful and patient. I tried counseling and it helps some but talking about it with someone that you dont have to see somehow helps more. I spent a week in a clinic because I didnt sleep for three days because I feared he was coming after me. He vowed to not rest until he had killed me, I believed him and sometimes still do. I moved 4 states over to never have to see him. I too was strong willed and simetimes tink Im even stronger now. Sometimes I snap on my new man to prove Im strong and independant. I cant help it I wish I could but I know one day it will get better. Hang in there every day is a new chance to start over and know we are lucky for surviving it and no longer being there. I hope the best for you and hope you dont ever get as low as I did. Good luck and dont give up. You can move on and be stronger than ever before.

[ddhousewives]

I call it my "fire alarm" I was physically abused by my alcoholic father and (no surprise--- spouse) It is normal to have anxiety (panic attacks) after post traumatic stress... when we see our abusers (our triggers) or someone is verbally or physically threatening us... yes... your "fire alarm" will go off. It gets better with time and less exposure to abusive trainwrecks. I am currently on medication to prevent anxiety attacks ..yet it is a normal reaction to something that ... We never asked to happen to us.. and we never deserved. Just make sure you are aware of the reason you stayed so long and dont repeat the same thing. We deserve a good life ..which sometimes means being alone...and thats ok too You are normal...your thoughts are normal... give your anxiety to god and he will take care of your abuser. Good luck and god bless you.

[Breezy Trousers]

Fallenenvy, this is an old thread, so I don't know if you'll read this...

 

If you don't have lots of money for counseling, here's what I would recommend:

 

Learn all you can about personality disorders. If you found yourself in an abusive relationship, it is POSSIBLE you grew up with someone with BPD, NPD or even psychopathy and don't even know it. Often people suffering from a personality disorder can be abusive. If you grew up exposed to this pattern as a child, it may (unconsciously) feel like "home" to be around such people as an adult, even if you are a strong person who is saavy about people. (Having said that: Even people from "normal" backgrounds can end up in abusive relationships! Abusers are extraordinarily charming in the early stage of the relationship.) .... Reading Sandra Brown's "Women Who Love Psychopaths," reading blogs on narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathy and listening to Melanie Tonia Evans' free podcasts on narcissistic personality disorder opened my eyes to how a strong, smart people can find themselves in these situations. Highly recommend. Also, many people have gotten much help from reading the Baggage Reclaim blog. The focus on all of these free sites is educating people and empowering them.

 

About post traumatic stress --

 

At age 17, AFTER I left an abusive family home environment, I inexplicably began experiencing panic attacks, sleeplessness, etc. -- inexplicable to me, because I finally felt safe for the first time in years! A therapist told me it was post traumatic stress. I argued with that, because I couldn't understand why I had no symptoms while living in an abusive family situation but, once I was on my own and was "safe," the symptoms began appearing. The therapist explained that PTSD is a form of detox for the body/mind. He pointed out that Vietnam Vets didn't experience PTSD while in the jungles of Vietnam, dealing with combat. Instead, PTSD symptoms appeared in Vietnam vets when they returned to the states and finally felt safe. So, in my layperson's opinion, your symptoms may be signs that things are integrating, not falling apart. Sometimes things appear most chaotic on the surface when, in fact, we are making the greatest progress toward healing and growth beneath the surface. It's paradoxical .... If my experience is any indication, the symptoms will fade away.

 

Your anger is a good sign. Often the feelings are the first to shut down in abusive situation. You go numb to cope. Feeling anger -- @#!*% , feeling anything! -- is another healing form of defrost/detox. If you find you are getting stuck in anger, then that's a sign of unhealthy attachment to the notion of being a victim. That's when I recommend exploring the radical forgiveness work of Byron Katie. But forgiveness work usually comes much later, after the anger stage. (Things do come in stages, and each stage needs to be honored.) .... (Radical forgiveness work helped me much more than any therapy did. And much of it was free. Just my two cents ...)

 

Codependent Anonymous meetings can be helpful, too, and the meetings are free. Please know that I am NOT suggesting that people in abusive situations are "sick codependents." The fact is, abuse targets usually test very high in empathy -- much, much higher than the norm. Such empaths will sometimes attract people who test very low in empathy (e.g., abusive personalities). Sandra Brown's book explores why .... Anyway, CODA meetings are virtually free support groups which help build people practice better boundaries and learning to take care of themselves BEFORE taking care of others' feelings and needs. It's all about balance. Empathy is nice, but healthy discernment is better.

 

I don't know if any of this is relevant to your situation.

 

If you are very proactive and seek help from outside sources -- and stay in NO CONTACT -- you will get stronger than you ever imagined. You'll look back and, as regrettable as this relationship was, you will see it as one of the greatest opportunities of your life. It's all up to you. Because you are asking for help here, I have the greatest optimism for you. Best of luck to you and your new relationship.

Edited September 4, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[fallenenvy]

Thanks BT. I did read it (although a few weeks later). i was offline for a bit.. moved and all..

 

Anyway, i continue to feel better but at the same time it is still hard from time to time. I still ponder on what the hell i was thinking. I didn't have exactly the best childhood.. lived with my grandparents and they put me down a lot...but im not sure i can blame any of my choices on that.

 

However, it scares me that i was able to loose myself like that. I've never tried to be anything for anyone and i don't intend to ever again. My current bf knows how i am (often broody moody and bitchy because of everything) and hes ok with it. We've been together nearly 2 years now... and hopefully many more to come. Apart from anyone that read this he is one of the only ones that really knows what i went through.

 

It is such a sad reality that I'm not alone.. that others have gone through this and much worse.. thanks guys for those that shared your stories and offered me support.... it does help. I wish i had had this site for support back when all this was going on.