Here's a thought for lonely people

[thelovingkind]

(This will probably be more applicable to people who are further toward the end stage of coping, where you've accepted you need to let go of your ex in order to become a content single in order to meet someone new, but you're still struggling with loneliness, etc.)

 

I like to remind myself: I want to be the sort of person I want to meet

 

It's not always literally true since we might look for some qualities in others that we don't have in ourselves, but I think it's more-or-less the case that we want to be with someone who occupies the same emotional "space" and perspective on life that we do.

 

For me, the sort of person I want to meet is not necessarily someone who's one of those blazing happy singles, totally independent and self-reliant, never feels a whisper of loneliness, never wastes a second feeling down, etc. I want someone who does get lonely in the evenings, who finds themselves wondering if and when they're going to meet someone they can feel excited about maybe sharing their life with. But I don't want to meet someone who lets these thoughts crush their happy spirit, interest and enthusiasm for things and life in general.

 

So it's a nice line to remember when I'm feeling self-destructive. Last night, for example, I got a hit of loneliness that risked dragging me into one of those downward spirals of negative self-talk and hours of pathetic time wasting and complaining to over-tolerant friends about how lame my life is. So I started to think: What would the sort of person I want to meet be doing with their time right now?

 

That made me want to do something constructive like read my novel, watch a film, do my workout exercises or whatever.

 

It's a nice line because it makes me feel less alone when I'm lonely. Because the person I want to meet is probably feeling a bit lonely like me right now. They're not necessarily having the time of their life. But I don't want to meet someone who's totally swamped by this feeling and who lets it eat away at them and corrode their personality. Just someone who acknowledges their loneliness, works through it, and keeps other things in life going too.

 

And so I try hard to be that person too!

 

It's a much more realistic and satisfying way of looking at things than creating an image in my head of the "perfect" single (always looking suave or glamorous, social butterfly, dawn to midnight stacked with activities and keeping busy) and then beating myself up when I don't attain it. I have a quiet life, I don't have as many friends as I'd like, I often feel a bit lost int he world and sometimes I get lonely more often than I'd want to, but that's okay: someone else out there is feeling the exact same way and I can't wait to meet them

 

Hope that helps someone. It's such a good thing to remember when you're quivering on the brink of an evening of self-destructive free fall!

[lifeispain]

that's a good thought to have but, wouldn't you want somebody strong and being able to be depend on themselves instead of depending too much on the significant other?

 

im going through the loneliness part too. i would love to learn how to be okay on my own, and not depend other people for happiness you know?

[Sassygirl2]

I couldn't have said it better, LovingKind. I feel the same way. I actually am starting to enjoy this "lonely" or "quiet" time. I do feel lonely often and wish I could call my sister or best friend to go have coffee with them, at the drop of a hat, but they live far away. I have friends and great coworkers, but lately it seems that it's so much work to get together with them. I am enjoying this time to myself to work on my stuff. Sounds kind of pathetic, but it's true. I actually think there are a lot of lonely people in this world. No one wants to admit it but I think we sometimes put on acts and fill our time with so many activities and then we overextend ourselves. I've been guilty of this before. I'm just trying to enjoy this time and be thankful while I have it because it could change any minute.

[thelovingkind]

that's a good thought to have but, wouldn't you want somebody strong and being able to be depend on themselves instead of depending too much on the significant other?

 

im going through the loneliness part too. i would love to learn how to be okay on my own, and not depend other people for happiness you know?

 

This is actually something I've thought a great deal about.

 

I definitely want to learn how to be okay on my own, and I think I'm getting there. I want to be able to live on my own and make the most of my time, but part of that for me is being okay with the idea that I will experience loneliness from time to time and the desire to have a partner in life. I think it's a totally okay thing to admit that it's something you want for yourself, and that you will sometimes long for it when you don't have it.

 

For me the idea that you can be totally self-sufficient and independent in life is a myth of the capitalist "free individual". When you think about, almost no one exists in a state of complete independence. We have our friends, our families, and not just that but of course the people we buy goods from and who produce our food, fix our houses, etc. In other words, we're social creatures. Loneliness serves as a friendly reminder that our social needs are going unmet.

 

So I guess the question is: If you know you must depend on others, what sort of relationships do you want to have for yourself to meet these needs? Friends? Family? Partner? I feel like there's a stigma attached to desiring a partner in a way that there isn't when it comes to needing friends and family.

 

I don't necessarily think there should be. If that's something that's important to you then I think it's fine to admit it. I know that relationships have managed to bring out tremendous qualities in me and personal growth that other platonic friendships and such haven't. For other people, it's the opposite. They are great friends and family members, but terrible partners. So not everyone will be well served by the same set of social needs.

 

Of course, I agree that wanting this must not stop us living for ourselves in the here and now, and doing the best with what we have around us.