What is his problem?

[Fran]

I was dating a 26 year old guy for a few months. He broke up with me in March, saying that he was afraid of commitment and that if we were in a relationship, he might find someone else he would want to be with. Well a few days ago, he contacted me, and said he wanted to see me. He has since moved out of town for a new job and was in town for the weekend visiting his family. We spent the weekend together (no sex involved this time), and things were great, until I asked him about having a relationship. He claims he cares about me, but does not know what he wants. He says he wants me in his life, but does not know in what capacity. He also has this fear of intimacy which was apparent when we were dating and it still a problem. What happens is that he not affectionate, or loving with me. He only wants to kiss, hold hands and cuddle..etc when it leads to fooling around, other than that, he avoids being physical. When I asked him what his problem is, he claims that he just isn't an affectionate person, and began to tell me that he is a lot to handle, has some issues with intimacy, and thinks he might need to see a "shrink". He often would tell me how his family life is the reason why he is so "afraid" of getting close to a woman. He comes from a family with some problems, one sister being a lesbian, the other a former drug user. But I am convinced that all his telling me about how difficult he is to be with is just a cop out to avoid being in a relationship with me. I am so confused by this guy, and the problem is I care about him, enough to want to be in a relationship with him, and even help him overcome his issues. I know when he comes to town again, he will call me, and want to see me. But I am pretty sure he won't make any effort to visit me on weekends, nor will he call on a regular basis. Am I a total fool for being involved with this guy? Do I continue to let him see me when he comes to town? Please help me, I do want him back, as crazy as it seems!!!

[Tony T]

This guy is being quite truthful when he says he has problems with intimacy. It is not uncommon and often not even a psychologist can do much good. What he is telling you is in NO WAY a cop out. These problems are VERY REAL. You can read about them in numerous books in the self help or psychology section of your favorite bookstore.

 

To go right back into his arms when he rolls into town is insane. Very convenient for him though. Why would you want to be back with someone who cannot give you the things you want in a relationship???

 

You are not a total fool for being involved with this guy. You can't help developing feelings for someone like him. He is human and requires love like anyone else...he is just unable to give it back to you in a form acceptable to you. So, in a way, it is foolish for you to continue your involvement with him.

 

I really don't know what motive you would have for being convenient for him when he comes into town. Like you said, it is unlikely he will call you often when he's away. This man cannot offer you the quality relationship you seek, no matter how much you care about him.

 

You may want him back because you seek to change him, as so many women seek to change the men in their lives. But if you are able to cure this guy of his intimacy problems, you are a much better person than Sigmund Freud.

 

You are seriously wasting your time with this guy...but it's your time to waste. He has been extremely honest with you so if you get deeply hurt by him at some point in the future you can only blame yourself.

[cifrin]

Well hes only 26 and hes oviously still maturing

 

at least he was mature enough to know whats wrong with him and tell you.... him only seeing you on weekends might be too much to ask but as for his intamacy and relationship thing I kinda know where hes comming from... If I don't THINK Im in a relationship Im okay with it... but as soon as I feel like I HAVE to be commited to just one person I feel trapped... but if Im with someone and really like them Its not like Ill be LOOOKING for other people so its not likely Id cheat on them... he sounds like he could be the same way...as for the intamacy thing...sometimes its hard to think of sex and love as the same thing... so affectionate things like holding hands and hugging is something sexual more than loving... but I think theres a chance he could warm up to you.... the more time he spends with you the more hell be comfortable with you enough to hold your hand in the super market or whatever you want from him

 

if hes really worth your time and you wanna deal with the long distance thing... than just don't TELL him hes in a relationship kind of trick him into one its the womans right to

 

but good luck

[Rosie]

I have been seeing a guy with the same intimacy problems for the past year. Initially he almost ignored me in public while in private he was an incredible lover. Very gradually he is becoming more open about our "relationship" although he still has a fear of any sort of commitment. I suppose only you can decide if you care enough about this man to hang in there and see what develops. My guy was honest from the very beginning that he had a fear of the "love" thing. I don't regret making the decision to stay with him, even though it hasn't been easy. If you decide to give it a go, be prepared for a very rocky ride!!

I was dating a 26 year old guy for a few months. He broke up with me in March, saying that he was afraid of commitment and that if we were in a relationship, he might find someone else he would want to be with. Well a few days ago, he contacted me, and said he wanted to see me. He has since moved out of town for a new job and was in town for the weekend visiting his family. We spent the weekend together (no sex involved this time), and things were great, until I asked him about having a relationship. He claims he cares about me, but does not know what he wants. He says he wants me in his life, but does not know in what capacity. He also has this fear of intimacy which was apparent when we were dating and it still a problem. What happens is that he not affectionate, or loving with me. He only wants to kiss, hold hands and cuddle..etc when it leads to fooling around, other than that, he avoids being physical. When I asked him what his problem is, he claims that he just isn't an affectionate person, and began to tell me that he is a lot to handle, has some issues with intimacy, and thinks he might need to see a "shrink". He often would tell me how his family life is the reason why he is so "afraid" of getting close to a woman. He comes from a family with some problems, one sister being a lesbian, the other a former drug user. But I am convinced that all his telling me about how difficult he is to be with is just a cop out to avoid being in a relationship with me. I am so confused by this guy, and the problem is I care about him, enough to want to be in a relationship with him, and even help him overcome his issues. I know when he comes to town again, he will call me, and want to see me. But I am pretty sure he won't make any effort to visit me on weekends, nor will he call on a regular basis. Am I a total fool for being involved with this guy? Do I continue to let him see me when he comes to town? Please help me, I do want him back, as crazy as it seems!!!

[Fran]

Guys,

 

Thank for all the advice. My ex ended up calling me and asking me to come visit him. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again, and that I was tired of his mixed feelings towards, and haven't forgiven him for breaking up with me in the first place. He didnt respond positively, and said he understands. However, now I feel worse that I did before that I told him to leave me alone, because now I will probably never see him again. I feel I acted too impusivley, but my heart told me to get him out of my life. I feel that I made a mistake in telling him to go away, and now I wish I hadn't because there is no chance now for us to be together. I don't know if I should try to contact him again, and tell him I still want him in my life, or just let go. I love him so much, and feel like I just can't go on without this guy, i know that sounds pathetic and desperate. Do I wait for him to call me again with an undying profession for his love, or do I try and let go? I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to let go, I keep hoping he will wake up and realize the mistake he made losing me, or call me with an apology for all the times he was unable to show his affection. I do want him in my life, but I just can't stand his constant leaving me hanging, wondering if he loves me, or ever will. What do I do? I need advice in a big way!

I was dating a 26 year old guy for a few months. He broke up with me in March, saying that he was afraid of commitment and that if we were in a relationship, he might find someone else he would want to be with. Well a few days ago, he contacted me, and said he wanted to see me. He has since moved out of town for a new job and was in town for the weekend visiting his family. We spent the weekend together (no sex involved this time), and things were great, until I asked him about having a relationship. He claims he cares about me, but does not know what he wants. He says he wants me in his life, but does not know in what capacity. He also has this fear of intimacy which was apparent when we were dating and it still a problem. What happens is that he not affectionate, or loving with me. He only wants to kiss, hold hands and cuddle..etc when it leads to fooling around, other than that, he avoids being physical. When I asked him what his problem is, he claims that he just isn't an affectionate person, and began to tell me that he is a lot to handle, has some issues with intimacy, and thinks he might need to see a "shrink". He often would tell me how his family life is the reason why he is so "afraid" of getting close to a woman. He comes from a family with some problems, one sister being a lesbian, the other a former drug user. But I am convinced that all his telling me about how difficult he is to be with is just a cop out to avoid being in a relationship with me. I am so confused by this guy, and the problem is I care about him, enough to want to be in a relationship with him, and even help him overcome his issues. I know when he comes to town again, he will call me, and want to see me. But I am pretty sure he won't make any effort to visit me on weekends, nor will he call on a regular basis. Am I a total fool for being involved with this guy? Do I continue to let him see me when he comes to town? Please help me, I do want him back, as crazy as it seems!!!