kittycat95 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Well I made it to day 2 of NC. It's nearly 9 pm here so I won't count it as the end of a full day until I'm finally asleep. I feel okay. Earlier I felt all sorts of memories of him rushing through me, then started to worry about what he's doing, finally agonizing over the future. So it's a roller coaster for sure. I feel at peace with the break up. Do I wish he will come back? Yes, I occassionaly fantasize about it but try to keep it firmly within the realm of fantasy. This is not a great time for me. This has been probably the worst summer of my life and the relationship was declining over the past few months so I've had a rough year in general. I know there's no point in holding on but I am really hoping I can heal. Currently feel really depressed, last night felt suicidal. I am not in any danger of acting on it but I keep fantasizing about how much easier things would be if I wasn't around and sometimes wonder how my ex would feel if he were to find out. I am having trouble focusing on things in my daily life, like my work and class (have completely failed to put in work towards a big essay I have due in two days) and on top of that now have a cold so I feel really tired. Just not a great time for me. Day 2...and despite everything, I have not caved. Even if I have lost everything else, at least right now I still have my dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Even if I have lost everything else, at least right now I still have my dignity. Good job on making it through another day! At day 2 I think this is a very okay thing to think and you should be proud of yourself for holding onto what you can--your dignity. As bad as you feel, you will feel worse if you reach out to your ex and don't get a positive response. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittycat95 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 here I am in day 3. I'm not sure what strength is keeping me away from contacting my ex, but I haven't. Been trying to stay upbeat and keep myself busy with schoolwork and yoga. I have a lot of thoughts of him but I'm trying to keep myself from acting on them. I've been reading some other posts here and I think I've been lucky to come to some kind of closure within my own head which is keeping me from contacting him to figure out what's going on. The telephone works both ways -- if he wants to talk to me, he will -- I will hold onto my pride. I will never beg for someone to be with me! I don't want someone to just pity me and be with me for that reason. Who knows what the future holds...but for now I have to do me. Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 here I am in day 3. I'm not sure what strength is keeping me away from contacting my ex, but I haven't. Been trying to stay upbeat and keep myself busy with schoolwork and yoga. I have a lot of thoughts of him but I'm trying to keep myself from acting on them. I've been reading some other posts here and I think I've been lucky to come to some kind of closure within my own head which is keeping me from contacting him to figure out what's going on. The telephone works both ways -- if he wants to talk to me, he will -- I will hold onto my pride. I will never beg for someone to be with me! I don't want someone to just pity me and be with me for that reason. Who knows what the future holds...but for now I have to do me. Your doing great!! Just keep up the good work. No Contact is very healing, and it gives you time to think. Become invisible to your ex, I heard that on here and its good advice. Keep posting, were all here for you. This can be done......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittycat95 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Share Posted July 8, 2011 Well it's 9:17 here on the west coast (USA). I managed to get a lot of my work done today and get a work out in so I am proud of myself. Gosh, I read this quote today, "The hottest love has the coldest end." I feel we fought and broke up so much over 4-5 years that there's no way for us to ever reconcile. There's just too much pain by him and too much unwillingness to work on issues. He thinks we are incompatible. I think just too much happened to drive us apart. Idk. I feel kind of haunted. So much reminds me of him. It isn't like I'm grief stricken and crying at every turn. I feel sad but it's numbed down. Maybe because the relationship got so broken that I don't have anymore hope at this point and I'm just forcing myself to be strong and get through it. 4-5 years is a really long time. It's sad I guess that at the end he just reacted with the hurt he felt and hated me. Now we are strangers. There was more to it than just one sided hurt from him and maybe he will see that, maybe not. Day 3 nearing its end.... RIP my relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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