Q on Abusive R

[Ms. Red]

Do abusers always have the side of them that makes them look "good" to others?

 

Yanno, like they keep the wife or SO set up with the good things in life to all the outside viewers?

 

They can maybe set the household up with the best latest furniture. Or maybe they cook the best meals and impress the company that comes to the homestead?

 

To look at them, they seem to be the best friggen companion that anyone has ever met?

[oldguy]

WHO CARES! if your in an abusive relationship, get OUT!

[Ms. Red]

WHO CARES! if your in an abusive relationship, get OUT!

 

 

I did Old Dood! But I'm starting to see a pattern in my life that I want to realize if I'm repeating it OK?

[oldguy]

I'm glad to here your out. That is the number 1 priority.

 

Many people do repeat patterns of getting into abusive relationships.

Many times it's a learned behavior or "generational".

For instance; a young girl may grow up in a house where mom & maybe they, are not treated well & even though they recognize this as not being acceptable it is expected behavior. A you boy in the same house "learns" to be an abuser. Not because it's acceptable but it is a learned behavior & in both cases even if the behavior is cognitively rejected people fall into learned behavior during times of stress, such as anger for instance.

So, these young girls may tend to attract these types of people. The same is true for someone who grew up in a alcoholic home. Even though they may reject drinking they may often find themselves attracted too, & attracting substance abusers.

 

So I'm glad your out of the abusive relationship, Doodette

Edited July 7, 2011 by oldguy

[Ms. Red]

Ya! So anyone else realize that they have someone who "sets the household'" or..."cooks the good meals" or,"keeps their cars working" or "brings in the money" but degrades them and trashes them?

 

Anyone?

[BB07]

It's a very common characteristic Ms Red.

On some level that know what an asshat they really are so they present the good side to others. All abusers have a evil side and a good side but it's the evil side that makes the situation impossible to deal/live with. We all have our good/bad sides but with an abuser the bad is/should be intolerable. Being with someone who is abusive is the biggest mind **** there is, it's truly terrible and I ought to know because I've been with 2 different men who were emotionally abusive. The relationships were many years apart and I let my guard down because I never thought it would happen to me the 2nd time, but it did and I take full responsibility for not seeing the clear signs because they were there, I was in a very vulnerable place in my life...........but I am confident that it will never happen again. I'm stronger and wiser now.

 

Hugs.........

[shayla]

An abusive man can look like the ultimate catch when you meet them, and to the outside world, he looks like he is the best thing since sliced bread. How else would he be able to keep meeting women that he can abuse? How else can he have friends that will lie for him, who "won't be able to believe that he is capable of such things!" and who will encourage you to stay with him when you ask for their advice.

 

When he promises to change, you believe it because you look at the way he started in the relationship, you look at how great the REST of your life with him is, just that pesky black eye that happens only every now and then...but he is such a great guy it must have been something I did...blah blah, yeah, it's the way they operate.

[oldguy]

MS Red; You had a concern about being attracted to a certain type of man. I was simply responding to one of the more common, recognized reasons people tend to attract undesirables.

 

I grew up in an alcoholic family & because of it I rarely drink & have an aversion to drinking to excess. I've intentionally avoided relationships with woman who are heavy drinkers but despite the fact that I initially specialized as a substance abuse counselor years ago, I have an abnormal amount of friends who have drinking problems, go figure, I should know better, right? I just wish the old man had, had an addiction to money instead of booze

[fallenenvy]

When he promises to change, you believe it because you look at the way he started in the relationship, you look at how great the REST of your life with him is, just that pesky black eye that happens only every now and then...but he is such a great guy it must have been something I did...blah blah, yeah, it's the way they operate.

 

Amen. I had a guy like that. I did finally leave but it took many bruises in many places to realize he was a son of a bitch. I realized i didn't want a life with him and the thought of marying the bastard scared the hell out of me... i think its harder to leave an abusive relationship than a "normal" one tbh

 

~Fallen Envy

[Ms. Red]

An abusive man can look like the ultimate catch when you meet them, and to the outside world, he looks like he is the best thing since sliced bread. How else would he be able to keep meeting women that he can abuse? How else can he have friends that will lie for him, who "won't be able to believe that he is capable of such things!" and who will encourage you to stay with him when you ask for their advice.

 

When he promises to change, you believe it because you look at the way he started in the relationship, you look at how great the REST of your life with him is, just that pesky black eye that happens only every now and then...but he is such a great guy it must have been something I did...blah blah, yeah, it's the way they operate.

 

That's the thing. I've been in a physical abusive relationship before and I thought this was different. We weren't a couple. Just best friends. He never hurt my physically before. It was just verbally telling me that I was no good and worthless and didn't do anything productive etc....

 

I just marked it up to him being drunk coz he only got that way at night when he drank.

 

Then he started getting angry at me for things that I never even did. He was making things up that he felt I did or would do to him and yelling at me about it.

 

Then he hit me! He always swore he would never touch me like that. But he did.

 

I had him evicted from my home the next day.

 

But I wonder what draws me to these kind of men. Why am I in this situation again in my life. He wasn't my lover or my boyfriend or husband. He was my best friend. He should have not gone there with me. Where did I eff up in not seeing that he could get this way?

 

And pertaining to my original question. He always kept the house clean. Cooked good meals. Took care of me when I was sick and all the good things. But the bad in him was really bad. The good things he did didn't make up for the bad things he did to me.

[evoxracer]

I'm working on getting out of my M, just trying to go about it wisely. He's very emotionally abusive and has been physical a couple times. He never ever helps with the house , wont even throw his own trash away. I even over heard him tell his friend that he destroys the house on purpose. But on the outside, I would look like I have it all. I have 3 nice cars of my own, and a closet full of $1000 + dresses with red soled shoes to match. Anyone would think I have everything from the outside.

[Ms. Red]

I'm working on getting out of my M, just trying to go about it wisely. He's very emotionally abusive and has been physical a couple times. He never ever helps with the house , wont even throw his own trash away. I even over heard him tell his friend that he destroys the house on purpose. But on the outside, I would look like I have it all. I have 3 nice cars of my own, and a closet full of $1000 + dresses with red soled shoes to match. Anyone would think I have everything from the outside.

 

Yeah, that's how this relationship was. To everyone on the outside it looked great and we were best buds who had each others backs.

 

And I felt that way a long time till shortly before he hit me.

 

I ended it when I hit me. And fortunately, he was in my home and I could evict him.

 

I hope you can get out of your situation soon and realize you are worth more. [[[HUGS Evoxracer]]]]

[freestyle]

The most insidious types of abusers are the ones who have everyone else convinced that they're the greatest, nicest, kindest, most generous person ever.

 

That way , when their partner seeks help for the abuse that happens behind closed doors---they're often disbelieved by their immediate support system.

 

Which then serves to isolate the target of abuse all the more, undermining their outside support system---and whittles down their resistance, making them even more vulnerable to the abuse. It's an ugly vicious circle that happens.

 

As far as looking into the reasons that you find yourself attracted to these types of men---

 

Well, first off, good for you for being willing to see the role your own psychology can play in these dynamics. I'm NOT saying that being abused is your fault, not at all.......but there's been a lot a research about abuse patterns that shows that childhood family dynamics, and unresolved family of origin issues, can play into what type of partner we're attracted to.

 

A good counselor may help you to unravel that, if you're willing to go through the therapy. The deeper your understanding or yourself becomes, the quicker you'll be at noticing red flags when they arise.

 

There's a book called "Codependent No More" that may be helpful.

 

or this article may be helpful

 

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_9_54/ai_54979468/

 

 

best wishes on your self-discovery.........