is he really worth the wait, or am I delusional?

July 7, 2011

I apologize if this gets long - there is some backstory involved, and if I want real answers, I insist on providing real details!

I'm a twenty three year old aspiring actress/singer/dancer/makeup artist. I'll start off by saying that, though it occasionally wavers, I have a lot of confidence! I know I'm attractive, talented, funny, smart, and caring. I'm a catch! readers, you'll be glad to know that I believe with all my heart that I am definitely worthy of a man's love, and dare I say I have started to get a lot pickier with the choice of men! (though I still struggle with an inexplicable attraction to highly intelligent underachievers. it drives my father - a 3rd generation lawyer, headed for 3rd generation judgeship - crazy.)

unfortunately I went through two relationships that failed spectacularly in order to gain that confidence. one involved getting engaged too young and trying to play housewife to a man I really loved (and always will), but I broke it off (the hardest thing I have ever had to do, at age 20) because it was the best move for both of us - we both had a lot of growing up to do.

the next involved breaking up with my boyfriend (again, for reasons to benefit him more than me) and watching him jump right into bed with my roommate at the time, who had been my best friend for years. she decided to choose him over me, though I had never had intended to force a choice on her, and even though I hadn't done anything to her, she pushed me out of her life. it felt as though when I broke up with him, she broke up with me. I spent the next month having to listen to them have sex - LOUDLY, I might add! extremely disrespectful! - and trash talk me to whoever would listen. it only took a few weeks for me to figure out that I had to get the hell out of there! so I moved in with an old friend and her husband, who is another good friend of mine. (I owe them for stopping me from teetering over the edge of sanity. they are amazing.)

after both of these relationships, I casually dated but never got serious with anyone - seems like every guy I met either wasn't as into me as I was into him, or the other way around - I just wasn't feeling it as much as he was. I spent a lot of time self-reflecting, focusing on myself as a performer and starting to build up my resume and gather my resources to start marketing myself. through all of this, I learned to love myself - something I had finally realized would be essential before I could really let anyone love me. (sometimes, these thoughts are so adult they scare me.) now I have learned to embrace how fabulous I really am!

a few months ago, I went out to the bar with my new roommate and some of her coworkers. we ran into a few of their other coworkers who joined up with our group. I had met many of them, but there was a new face, a guy who I thought was cute. he came over to introduce himself and chat, and we ended up talking for quite awhile. he then asked if he could have my number so he could call me sometime and ask me out. I was pretty thrilled when he actually called the next day (I had no idea that guys really do that.) and we went out for a late lunch. (again, I couldn't tell you the last time I'd been taken on a proper date.) things were going quite well, and then we found a connection I never would have expected.

I told him the bare bones story of how I spent last summer losing my boyfriend, best friend and my apartment; he was pleasantly surprised. an odd reaction, you might think, until he told me his story. he and his girlfriend of three years had moved into an apartment in August with two other roommates (a four bedroom - even though they were together, they had decided to get separate rooms) and then one of them moved out, leaving the couple and one male roommate. he and his girl split in November - within weeks, she was sleeping with their other roommate.

let me be the first to tell you - you'd be surprised at the knock your ego takes in a situation like this! though I'd had some time to deal with my situation and move on, his was still fresh and he admitted to me from the start that he was still in love with this girl, he wasn't over what had happened, and it was especially hard for him because they were all still living together. (unlike myself, my ex BF and ex BFF, they were at least all still on speaking terms, however) I told him that was fine, he was honest and that we could keep things casual. we spent another few hours hanging out, and made plans for two days later.

I thought things were going surprisingly well - I was tentative (once bitten, twice shy, or whatever ) but optimistic. I do get along surprisingly well with the ex girlfriend, who I'd met and become friends with the same night I met him. (to be honest - there are some real similarities between us! but there are some integral differences as well.) we continued to spend time together and I found out that he was telling people that we were, in fact, dating. I tried really, really hard not to make a big deal out of it, but I was really starting to like him, and hearing that through their work grapevine was a good sign, I thought. we were even keeping the physical relationship to a minimum - honestly, I'd never dated a guy who waited that long to kiss me (and it was totally worth it when he did, on date three ) though there were a few nights we slept in the same bed, that was it as far as a sexual relationship. for once, I felt respected - it was obvious he wasn't in this just to get into my pants. my roommate even approved, saying maybe I'd found a nice guy for once.

I suppose you're sensing a big fat BUT here.

I guess I forgot about the 'casual' part, because things were going so well. after a few weeks things did start to cool off, but he didn't pull away completely. I kept meeting friends of his, and was delighted when they would either tell him in my presence, or he would tell me later that they all really liked me, and thought I was good for him. I thought so, too. I still do. however, he was still struggling, and had even moved out of their apartment and in with his mom for awhile. I thought it was the best move - I remembered how getting out of that toxic situation made everything better. but he still wouldn't really commit to me. as much as I did like his ex as a friend, I resented her after witnessing the way she treated him. she would get mean, make snarky comments, and - because she's dabbling in a supervisor position at the company where they both work - even looked up his attendance records one day and called him out on it at home, though it wasn't her job to chastise him. I started to get fed up with playing second fiddle to a girl who clearly didn't deserve him - nor did she want him back, as she was trying to start a relationship with their other roommate, though he seemed less enthusiastic about it.

(how complicated!)

I started to get really confused about where this was headed - and whether it was headed anywhere at all, or if I was just imagining things now. my roommate, who had become one of his good friends by now, cornered him for the protective best friend talk ("what are your intentions with my friend?!") and he admitted to her that yes, he does really like me - more than he expected to - but that he was still in love with his ex and that he was trying to keep me at a distance so as to not lead me on. again, I had mixed feelings about this - disappointed, a little, but there was hope, and again - respect.

finally, I gathered up all my courage and asked him if we could sit down and really talk. he said of course, and that I could expect straight answers from him - honesty is very important to him, and he reassured me he'd always told me the truth and always would.

I told him about my resentments toward his ex girlfriend, and how she clearly didn't treat him the way he should be treated, and even went so far as to admit that I was slightly offended that he would still have feelings for this girl, despite her behavior, and that I had been nothing but empathetic and patient. I told him that I believe that he should be with someone who treated him like he was actually worth something (a fact that, at the time, I don't know how much he believed himself) and that I would.

this next part was one of the biggest steps I have ever taken: I told him that I had been through a lot, which he knew - the situation like his PLUS a failed engagement, all by 23 - but that I was still standing, resilient and optimistic. and through all of this, that I had gained the kind of self respect that it takes to say this: I know I'm a catch. (he agreed.) and that I consider him worth waiting for, to a certain extent; but that I wouldn't be waiting forever, and that if he didn't hurry up and get his head out of his ass, someone else would be figuring that out and he would lose his chance. he promised to take this all into consideration, and thanked me for actually being an adult and talking it over (one of those differences between myself and the ex.) but that he was trying to get himself back together, he was medicating again, but that he couldn't really guarantee he could have everything worked out for awhile. August, he said, it was likely. (not surprising - their lease is up at the end of July.)

after all this, we have been basically just friends now. we do still spend time together, his friends ask when I'm not there, and occasionally, if I stay at their apartment after a party (usually their couches and floor are full with people who don't want to drive) he will offer up a spot in his bed. again, not a sexual advance. that doesn't mean that we haven't talked about things physical (I am a very sexual person, very open about sexuality in general) and am not at all shy. I asked him if he knew how difficult it was for me to not be aggressive and to respect his space and the time he needed... he said he did, he was impressed and that it had been VERY hard for him to not let me.

now that you know the story (and if you made it this far, I thank and congratulate you for reading it all!) I've caught you up to the present. this has been going on for three months from the time that we met, until now. I have been trying really hard to be patient, and cool, and not give him an ultimatum (you know, 'be with me now, or you'll never get the chance again!' hate it when girls do that. not realistic.) and I'm seeing some positive changes in him. I can tell the medication's working, and that he's gaining back some of the self respect that he likely lost from his ex being mean to him.

but I, and many of our close friends, are starting to wonder if it's ever really going to happen. I would be sad to make it another three, four weeks of limbo and then have him decide he doesn't want to be with me after all. it wouldn't kill me - as I said, I'd gone through much worse by 20! - but I would be pretty bummed, especially since I've gone through months of being patient. as objective readers, I would love your candid opinion. am I waiting around for a guy that doesn't want me, or should I stick around and see what happens? it is, unfortunately, starting to take a toll on me - a part of me is convinced that, if he really wanted me, by now that should be the thing that matters, that he should have gotten over her by now if he's serious about me. but I know that people deal with breakups in different ways and move on in different speeds. am I just making excuses for him because I haven't gotten any closure?

I'm not limiting myself - I'm still going out, having fun, and have been allowing myself to meet guys and behave as if I were completely single. but I haven't met anyone that I would choose over the guy I've been waiting for.

I just keep putting myself in his shoes. I had several flings with guys with whom the timing was wrong, and almost always because I jump into relationships without moving on properly from the previous one. am I stupid for thinking that I can finally make this one work if I give him the proper time and space?

give me your candid opinions, please! I would love to know what outsiders have to say on the situation. should I stay or should I go now...........

July 7, 2011

He told you from the beginning that he was not ready, if he is still in love with his ex. That should have been the sign to move on and just keep him as a friend at armslength. Go out, have fun, start dating again. If he wants you he will pull his head out of his @ss when he realizes that you mean what you said. Someone else will snatch you up,and give you the all that you deserve. Not just half,now, and half someday(???). You are a catch,and if this guy hasnt straightened up after the talk, then he doesnt see you as something worth pursueing to keep,but will keep you in perpetual limbo for any excuse.

July 7, 2011

Ohdramadrama,

thanks for sharing your story, good for you for being a good communicator - there is a power in telling someone you like them and you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there. It's never easy, so kudos to you.

I have a couple of thoughts based on what you've said and I hope you'll take them in the spirit with which they are intended.

I have no doubt that you are a catch, but you should never have to sell yourself to a man. I've spent quite a lot of time on the break-up boards here, and often in those "second chance" forums people find themselves trying to get back with an ex by pursuading or convincing them that they are right for them after all. I know your situation is different, but you are worth more than that. He knows your a catch. Whether you're the person for him is a different matter. Likewise, his ex may be unpleasant, but he's still in the grip of his feelings for her, and by trying to talk him out of that, you're actually not totally respecting who he is or where he's at. It's also another futile exercise in persuasion.

For a relationship to happen, there has to be positive, active energy flowing on both sides. You can't push him or pull him into it. If he knows you're waiting, it's not guaranteed to jolt him into action but may well cause further stagnation.

There are a couple of things you can do, not to be manipulative, but to protect yourself as much as anything. Pull away and give him space. I'm not saying go No Contact, but try and disappear off the radar for a month if you can manage it. Use this time to really try and give other people a chance - I suspect you don't really give others a chance at the moment because you really like this guy. But, for a few weeks at least, you need to create some space and "own" that you're single.

This also gives him a chance to miss you and weigh up his feelings. You have to create a vacuum to allow his energy to flow towards you. Let him initiate contact and reply in a measured way, try to keep things light and don't have relationship chats with him yet, it's early days. Keep yourself busy and do new things - fake it until you make it, if you must.

But please don't compare yourself to his ex or feel that she's somehow getting in the way of good things between you - it's more complicated than that. It's also demeaning to compete with another woman - even if it's just in your head - so try and avoid that. Be yourself, don't sell yourself, live your life and leave him to live his. If he's going to come to you in a few months time, it has to be of his volition and if you step back now, you have a chance of seeing each other in a new light a few months further down the line. There are no guarantees but you should get out of the waiting mentality and try and put him back on the shelf. He has to come to you with a willing heart and a free mind and you may have to let him go to achieve that. In either case, by attempting to move on, you just might meet someone who's better. I know it sounds hard but really letting go right now is a win-win for you. Good luck.

July 9, 2011

I think he genuinely likes you, he didn't jump into bed with you to make himself feel better after a hard breakup, so he definitely respects you. He is trying to go about his relationship/friendship with you in the right way. Please remember that these traits are very hard to find.

I think you simply need to take it easy on the guy. He is on medication for goodness sakes! He has been deeply hurt, and probably left with some deep trust issues.

Don't try to rush this. You describe yourself like you are a seasoned professional when it comes to these types of breakups. But please remember how you felt, how long it took you to repair, learn and grow into this confident 'catch' that you are today. He needs time to do the same, and each person is unique in the amount of time and their means of achieving what you have already achieved.

If you simply want to satisfy your needs sexually, then go for it. I doubt he will resist. But if you want to have a healthy relationship with this guy, you need to be patient and supportive. Stop threatening him and telling him that if he doesn't get over this soon, he'll loose his opportunity to be with you. It just seems selfish and insensitive. It is good that you know that you are a catch. Confidence in yourself is always a good thing. However, you shouldn't have to tell people that you are a catch, and that if they don't go after you then someone else will. If you are a catch then they already know whats up.

Now, I only know what I have read from your post, but it sounds to me like you may need to soften your edges a little. Your past heartaches, which were very intense (I don't know how you moved on, I salute you!), may have hardened you. It is understandable. And maybe you have developed feelings for THIS particular guy for good reason, so that you have the opportunity to tell yourself that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be sensitive and soft, it is ok to be patient and there for someone who feels like that have nobody. Maybe that is how you should be thinking about it. Instead of making yourself the personal example he should look up to, standing as a proud strong gorgeous talented woman who has overcome this history of personal heartache as if she were superman, maybe you should level with him - open up and tell him how you felt and how sad and scared you were after the same thing that has happened to him happened to you.

Please don't get offended by anything I have said, I am just trying to answer your question honestly.

I think you should stay. If there aren't any other guys out there that you are interested in, why not take it easy and slow with this guy who you DO have feelings for? If you don't have a line of guys waiting at your door, then why are you trying to rush it? Why not try something new, maybe you'll learn something about yourself in the process. After all, even though you've overcome these hardships at an early age, you haven't learned it all - none of us have.

And try not to be offended that he hasn't gotten over his ex. You know how these things go, they are irrational at best. He probably is 100 times more frustrated than you are, and has no idea why he hasn't gotten over her either. Don't hold it against him, he likes you, he wants to be with you. Don't think of yourself as being a "more beautiful and better" replacement for his ex girlfriend, think of it as him trying to close the door on his relationship with his ex so that he can open a new door and start a completely unique experience with you.

Being there for him and being patient will be difficult for you, which is why you should totally do it. It may even make you even MORE of a catch.

July 9, 2011