how can i tell if a guy is cheating or not?

[l2hvn]

i keep getting mixed signals and "bad vibes" from my current bf (if you've been reading this forum, you'll know that im the same girl who wants to make a trip w/o my bf).

 

when we first met (about two months ago), he told me that he NEVER smoked nor did drugs in his life. i told him i don't like to be around people who smoke. and that he stopped drinking years ago. whenever we'd go out, he would always order a bottle of water. he never drank. nor have i seen him smoke. he also doesn't like to go out to bars/clubs. it's not his thing. i'm a social drinker and like to hang-out to bars/lounges once in a while.

 

in the beginning, he'd call or text me every single day just to say hi. i could tell that he really was into me. but lately, he stopped calling/texting everyday. when we're out in public, he doesn't mind the PDA's, but he'd prefer to people-watch. but when we're alone together, he's very attentive to me.

 

last nite, while i was on my way to his place, i called his house just to make sure that he was already home. no answer. i called his cell. he picked up. i asked if he was home already, he said yes and that he was just doing his laundry. i said, "oh ok, so i guess you were on the other line then?" he didn't reply. then i said, "well b/c i was calling your house and you didn't pick up the phone." that's when he told me that he wasn't really home and that he was still driving home from the gym.

 

so i didn't make a big deal. so i came over to his place. while we were at a drugstore nearby to buy some stuff, i noticed a kiss mark (reddish-brown lipstick) on his right cheek. i KNOW it wasn't from me because i was not wearing any lipstick last nite. i didn't know how to react to it so i was definitely upset and suspicious (im a jealous person, esp if i have the reason to be). i think he noticed it b/c he kept asking me what was wrong. i said nothing.

 

back to his place, we were eating and watching tv at the same time. he was joking around and telling some funny stories. and in the middle of the conversation, that's when i said nonchalantly, "oh, what's that on your cheek? that looks like a lipstick!" in a playful, non-jealous tone. he tried to wipe it off and struggled to come up w/ an answer. then he finally said, "oh I THINK this was from this lady" (his co-worker i suppose). at that point, i didn't push the issue (i didn't want to look like the possessive, insecure type of girl). he was unusually quiet for about 5mins.

 

so this morning when i got up for work (he was still sleeping), i noticed some old photos in his living room. i looked thru it. i saw a pic of his ex. of course i was a little jealous but she was from the past. but one thing that struck me from that same pic was that i noticed he was holding a cigarrette. so i told myself, "he did smoke before. but why did he have to deny/lie about it? there's nothing wrong w/ that!"

 

so now, i am really confused. am i just overreacting??? or do i have the right to be suspicious??? right before last nite, i was falling for him. now, i don't know what to think. is he cheating on me??? i don't think he is, but then again, i could be wrong and got blindsided. why the need to lie about smoking and saying he was already home when he really wasn't home and that he did smoke before?

 

i know these are petty stuff but it bothers me a lot. if little things like this he can lie about now, how am i suppose to know that he's not lying about everything else? or could it be that i am just overanalyzing????

 

HELP! thanks.

[overseas2004]

Honesty I don't like the fact taht he is telling you lies. It is not good and I would be in his face about it. Especially teh lip stick. jeez...

[Becks84]

I do not think you are over reacting or overanalyzing at all. He needs to be confronted about all of his lies and anything that you are suspicious about. Don't keep it all to yourself. It's very early in the relationship and you really don't know him all that well yet even if you feel that you do. You don't know what he's capable of, so you need to be cautious. I think you're being too easy on him about these things. You could be wrong, but you need to try and find that out. Good luck to you!

[l2hvn]

the lipstick really bothered me the most. i don't know why i didn't confront him there and then.

 

we're planning to see a baseball game tomorrow nite. should i confront him about it before or after the game? should i confront him tonite instead? it's really hard for me to express how i feel w/o getting emotional, judgmental and critical. how can i handle a mature conversation w/o making myself look stupid (i.e. crying or angry)?

 

now i really do feel bad and am kicking myself.

[polaritch]

my advice is follow your instint. If you feel he is cheating then its a good chance he is. I know from experience. If a man lies to you numerous times then obviously he has something to hide. Least thats my opinion. I would confront him and demand he tell you the truth or you'll dump him and find someone better. I def. think you should just follow your instint. If you have reason to suspect then its his fault for not making you comfortable enuff w/ what he is doing. very seldon does a female "over-react etc" to signs of a cheater. Specially if he has changed alot during the relationship. I hope i helped ya

[mommy78]

First of all, why are you NOT gonna trip about seeing lipstick on his cheek? I mean, another girl kissed him on the cheek, whether or not it was a co-worker, thats wrong. And to see his ex's pictures. I would freak out if that happened to me.

 

If he's gonna put you through this so early in the relationship, you need to decide what you wanna do. Stay and "wonder" all the time and stress out, OR just leave and dont even bother...

[l2hvn]

i didn't freak out about the lipstick (although it bothered me) because i gave him the benefit of the doubt... like the female co-worker was just saying bye to him.

 

up to this point, i was absolutely sure he wasn't talking to anyone else. he's not the cheating type (or so i thought). we have different preferences. like, i am more into drinking/bars/going out every weekend/having fun. he's a more laid back guy who's into fishing/biking/gym/staying home on weekends.

 

i can usually tell whether a guy is a keeper or not b/c i've dated far too many losers in my life (btw, i'm 25, he's 29). and when i met him, i felt like he's so different from those jerks i've been with. but now, i am not so sure.

 

my instincts tell me that he's not cheating. i don't know why. but i feel that way. that's probably why i didn't freak out in the first place. but then again, i could be wrong. i don't know.

 

i was thinking about waiting it out and see what happens then. i still want to give him the benefit of the doubt. when we're together, he makes me feel special. like any typical bf would.

 

i'd like to trust him. but like what you all have been telling me, i should definitely confront him about it. maybe i'll do it tonite.

[l2hvn]

Originally posted by mommy78

And to see his ex's pictures. I would freak out if that happened to me.

 

i didn't make a big deal about the picture. it was just one shot. not that i'm trying to sound conceited or anything, but i know i look much better than her. and i can offer a lot more.. plus, it was taken about 3-4 years ago.

 

im used to seeing photos of ex-gf's. it's not new to me. of course, i'd get a little jealous. it's a normal reaction. but, i don't know. it doesn't really bother me that much.

 

i guess the way i see it is that it's all in the past. i don't really care much about his past. what's more important is the present, and hopefully, the future.

[AtomicOrphan]

If he came home with lipstick on his cheek, perhaps he wants to get caught for some reason. I mean, lipstick on the cheek? We're in cheating cliche territory. That's like standing there with a smoking gun as the squad cars arrive!

[deesgirl]

The smoking: My H only smokes sometimes when he's drinking. I have a couple of friends like that too. Maybe it's one of those things?

 

Lipstick: That's an iffy one. It could be a major red flag or could just be a friendly kiss. Is the guy really affectionate with friends?

 

Lying about being home: That would bother me more than anything. It really makes no sense.

 

If I were you, I'd just keep my eyes open and trust your instinct. I think I would have to ask about the kiss though.

[Hopeful One]

Here's what you do: send him flowers at his place of employment and don't sign the card. If he tells you about them, he's not cheating. If he doesn't tell you, then he doesn't know who they are from, and he's cheating. I wish I would have known this a few years ago! Good Luck!

[Good2Go]

If you aren't happy now, you never will be. Not with THIS guy!

[l2hvn]

the lipstick: he's a friendly person. and the city we live at, it's customary to greet people w/ a kiss on the cheek. i thought about it a lot and it could very well be that somebody just probably said hi/bye to him.

 

the smoking part and being at home part doing laundry: it just doesn't make any sense to me at all. it's stupid and this bothers me a lot. he could've told me earlier he used to smoke; he could've called me and told me he was running late. why lie????

 

honestly, i was really happy with him, and was falling for him up until two days ago. so now, i seriously have to think twice. im not going to tolerate this kind of behavior.

 

thank you all for the support and advice.

[deesgirl]

The thing is, if he lies about little things he will lie about big things for sure. It is a terrible feeling to not trust the person you love.

 

Try to guard your feelings until you figure all of this out. Telling him what's bothering you would probably be best. If not this will cause a rift anyway.

 

Best of luck to you.

[l2hvn]

hi all! i thought i'd give an update. after careful thoughts and some advice from my good male friend, i finally talked to him this past weekend. he explained himself and we cleared things out. he thought i was completely overreacting and that i was trying to sabotage the relationship. and i really was JUST overreacting. it's true... so... it was all fine and dandy.

 

now, i still feel INSECURE because i couldn't help but overhear his phone conversation w/ his friend (while i was trying to take a nap) the other day. when he told his buddy of what he did this past weekend, he was referring to the "i" (like, "I went to the baseball game; I went to see this movie.) i feel like he was excluding me from his activities, and that i don't exist to his friends. i've only met one friend of his, and he's met most of mine.

 

i know i wasn't supposed to do this, but when he was taking a nap yesterday, i sneaked thru his cell phone. mostly guys' names are stored. there's a few girl names. i checked the dialed calls, and there's one girl he called very recently. this call was placed last saturday when he told me that time that he was out biking and working out. i don't know who she is.

 

i know it's a bad thing to do and i shouldn't have done it, but i did it anyways. i couldn't help but be curious.

 

btw, we met at an online matchmaking service. i've discontinued my membership there since i met him. he knew that. so yesterday, i asked him whether he was still on it or not. he quickly said no. i asked if he was still paying for the membership fees, he said he hasn't been on it for a while, and that he actually blocked his profile. so i was like, "okay, great."

 

funny thing is, i checked his profile this morning. his profile is not blocked because i saw it, and that it showed that he was actually just on it within the last hour.

 

i was crushed and disappointed to say the least. he lied to me. in my face.

 

i don't like what i feel right now. jealous. suspicious. possessive. untrusting. insecure.

 

i've come to realize that maybe i should just break it off with him to save myself more heartbreaks. it's not healthy. i am usually not like this. i know i was not acting like this on my last serious relationship. i felt so much appreciation from my ex that i felt secure. i can't say the same thing to my current bf.

 

i cannot trust him. why would i want to stick w/ him if i can't even trust him?

[deesgirl]

You are probably going to get flamed for the snooping, but I see why you did it. Everyone is not honest. Sometimes we have to find our own answers.

 

If he is being so dishonest now, I think you are right to move on. It will only get worse in time and you will just be more in love.

 

((((HUGS)))) to you.