Has anyone ever remained friends with an ex and got them back?

[d'janiero]

Guys I'm an a dilemma, and need some advice.

Basically, my ex of 3 years broke up with me a month and a half ago. This was the second time she did this within the space of a month.

Read my story here if you have time:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283372/

 

We had an amazing relationship, not only my soul mate, but my best friend.

The last 6 months of the relationship were extremely hard as she got diognosed with cancer.Luckilly she got through it,(I stood by her every step of the way), but it took its toll on the both of us.

 

Her reasons for the breakup have varied from,

"We've lost the spark", "we're so much like best friends", "I just dont't feel the same about you as I did when we first met", then her mum got involved and said that my ex loves me, but is not in love with me.

But my ex says she is still attracted to me

 

Ever since we split, I have controlled my emotions to an extent (asside from sending her a letter a few weeks after the breakup to tell her how I really felt), I havent begged her to get back with me or really brought up the relationship etc.

 

I have also made no attempts to contact her, but she contacts me on a daily basis through text. I guess I have a part to play in this also, as I don't ignore her, and respond when she contacts me.

We have been out on a number of dates since the split, we've hung out together and I've been to a couple of her family occasions. We also have been intimate too, but only once.

After one of our dates last week, I kind of let my guard down while speaking to her through text, and she responded by saying, she is aware that she broke up with me, but loves hanging out with me, and thinks things are going really good between us. So only time will tell what will happen between us.

 

So here lies the problem. Do I continue to stay in this friends/limbo zone and hope that she comes to her senses by me not pressuring her and just going with the flow?

Or do I simply cut my losses and go NC?

 

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I love this girl dearly, and it would literally kill me to cut her out of my life after all we've been through together, hence why I have not gone NC already. I do want her back, but not while she is unsure of what it is she actually wants.

The mixed signals she gives out to me regularly confuse the hell out of me. Its almost like a push pull affect all the time.....i.e. she doesnt want to be with me, but seems to get jelous and question me about other women, gets angry when I don't respond to her calls fast enough, and acts a lil needy when I talk about moving to another city to persue my career.

 

Has anyone ever managed to get their ex back through remaining friends?

I know many will say not a chance in hell, but just wanted to get your thoughts on this.

Is NC the way to go or LC?

 

Thanks

 

ps - Although I'm not as bad as I was when we first broke up, the whole situation really gets to me at times. I have since started going to the gym and working out, seeing old friends and family, taken up new hobbies etc, but none of this seems to be working.

But I guess its because I'm trying so hard to hold back my emotions, through being friends with my ex, and not expressing how I really feel....even though she must already know surely

Edited July 7, 2011 by d'janiero

[flitzanu]

here's the thing. she is "unsure" what she wants, but she IS sure that being with you is not what she wants. that's been proven.

 

no you won't get her back by being her doormat. cut ties and if she comes back later, deal with it then. for now you're just being strung along.

[radiodarcy]

nope. the only place it got me was a friends with benefits situation which only made me more miserable and effectively ended the friendship for good. the friends zone really is no man's land. stay far away.

[sleepykitten]

Yes...but by time he wanted me back I was Sooooo not interested, bearing in mind this was absolutly yrs and yrs ago, when we split up i went crazy, cried non stop, thought about him all the time, turned up drunk at his place pretending i lost my keys, he wouldnt let me into bed with him made me sleep on the sfa-low low moment!!! Didnt see him for ages, maybe from a window as he drove past, but no contact, then when we were both dating we started fwb, i still thought we had something special, he said finishing with me was his biggest regret-fast forward 10 yrs he is desperate to be with me, we are both single, i have zero interest in him romantically, sexually, even when drunk!!

[wilsonx]

i know people that have been friends with their ex's after they were dumped and got back together with them but they are messed up couples, always have fights/splits date other people, watch each other date other people and hurt then get back together.

 

i actually was dumped by my ex 2 years ago after dating for 2 1/2 months because she wanted to sleep with someone else. She came back to me 2 months later even while we were friends. The difference between you guys and me is that her and I were friends long before we ever hooked up. The other difference is she did the same **** to me again a year and a half later... haha and still wants me to be her friend again so i can be her doormat... shes well aware that this time it wont happen... plus she dumpster dove for her new bf lol he's hideous

 

im telling you guys/gals now, the pain the 2nd time around is 15xs worse then the first. dont do it, move on

[Geya]

Yes! Just to get dumped a month later! YUCK! It makes everything 100% worse. don't go there, you know it's over, them breaking up once is enough for you to know the relationship is doomed, doesn't mean you don't love them you can love them all you want but love isn't enough to make a relationship work.. from both sides..

[bigmomma1974]

tough situation to be in. If your not honest about your feelings and your holding back cause she is confused, it is time to move on. Do not make any contact with this woman. In my opinion she just wants to string you along. I have became friends with ex's but it was after I worked through the pain and the hurt that the break-up caused. Sometimes people do just fall out of love, and also maybe she feels being tied down right now isnt something she can handle. having Breast cancer and beating it was tough, but your a good man for standing by her side. Let her go break all ties and heal from the pain. Maybe later you can hang out and be friends but your only hurting yuorself more sticking around.

[alphamale]

your ex is an ex for a good reason(s). keep it that way

[GivenUp0083]

Yes, in college, the first girl I ever fell in love with, thought I would marry her, we were together for 2 years. Then she dumped me out of nowhere right before Easter weekend. I was devastated. Tried to beg her back the day after, didn't work, went NC.

 

She came to my dorm room 3 weeks later, during the last week of school before summer, and told me she thinks she made a mistake and that she wanted to try being friends again first.

 

I agreed.....biggest mistake ever.

 

She stayed in the town our college was at while I went back home 2 hours away. She spent the whole summer hanging out with another guy that she claimed to be "just a friend". She got a little upset if I didn't call her more than a week, but I thought it was because she needed space, so we talked more and more. I visited her a couple times and we made out during that time but weren't back together. Fall semester came around and I told her I wanted to take it to the next level and I wanted her back as my girlfriend. She agreed.

 

We were together another 4 months, but it never really felt like I had her back. She still stayed friends with the other guy, but that eventually fizzled when he realized he lost her to me and gave up on her. Even when I had her back in that time we maybe had sex 3 times in those 4 months. She was working 6 days a week, 9 hour night shifts in addition to school, so I basically never saw her. She had one night off a week, and I tried to plan dates that she would cancel last minute to hang out with "guy friends" whom I never met or heard anything about.

 

Then I ignored her for a week. She sounded freaked out after a week. So I told her everything I didn't like about our relationship and that I was pissed she even put me in those situations where she'd hang out with other guys and a bunch of other things I won't go into detail. So I told her I felt like she really wasn't into me and that I didn't really have her back so we should just part ways. She agreed.

 

I felt free as a bird and it was great. She called a few weeks later to notify me she quit school in the middle of the semester and moved back home 5 hours away. Then we stayed in touch but I would get mad at her over snobby **** she used to say and she didn't like that so now we never talk anymore and we have no way of getting in touch with each other.

 

She was engaged to a farmer last I heard (despite that she had dreams of living by the ocean, so much for that if she married a farmer who can never leave the farm, lol).

 

Moral of the story. You can't win them back. Once they break it off, it's over, it's done. You can't get past it.

[betterdeal]

The future is a mystery, and by trying to control it we waste the present. If when you meet / communicate with her it upsets you then stop doing that. Stop doing things that make you unhappy.

 

You don't like how you feel in this new situation and that doesn't mean you want to get back together; rather it means you want stability and she cannot give that to you right now.

 

Lose contact with her. Find things that make you happy do them.

[d'janiero]

Thanks alot for the input guys. I guess I have my answer.

If I'm being honest, deep down inside, I knew that sooner or later I would have no other alternative than to do this, and go NC.

The first time she broke up with me and I went into NC, she kind of lost it and started to morealess blame me by saying things like:

"Your acting as if Ive cheated on you"

"You're being childish"

"I can't believe after all we've been through you would treat me like this, I've done nothing wrong"

She even went as far as contacting my brother to see if I was ok, and explained to him that I had totally cut her out of my life and she could'nt understand why. This was totally out of character of her.

 

At times I wish, that when she finished with me, she would have been the one to innitiate no contact etc.

I know that I'm gonna be made out to be the bad guy in all of this now, by going NC.

Maybe its because of her age (shes 20, I'm 25) or the fact that I'm her first love and first ever bf, and she hasnt been through a breakup before, she simply does'nt know how to act in all of this?

 

Is this just a woman thing, or do guys do the same, i.e. want to hang onto their exes right after a breakup, when they were the dumper.

If I was the dumper, I'd go NC straight away to enable the dumpee to heal. But thats just me I guess.

 

Its almost as if we have broken up, but not in a sense, as we have been on contact ever since.

But I guess it takes 2, and I have not told her to stop contacting me as of yet.

[FinOuch]

No. But one of my best friends did get her boyfriend back after 8 months of strict no contact, and another 3 months of ignoring his texts when he started breaking NC.

 

So I guess there is something to be said about NC...

[radiodarcy]

Is this just a woman thing, or do guys do the same, i.e. want to hang onto their exes right after a breakup, when they were the dumper.

If I was the dumper, I'd go NC straight away to enable the dumpee to heal. But thats just me I guess.

 

i'm not sure. i know the ex really pushed to be friends the first time i went NC - - he kept sending me texts to "check in". when i did cave in and break NC, i realized that his idea of being friends meant that he could talk openly about the girls he was dating. needless to say, that wasn't going to work for me. so i told him as much and went back to NC. you know he hasn't bothered me since.

 

not that i've done any polls or anything but based on what i've seen here it does seem that a lot of the male dumpees who post on here seem to have that issue of exes wanting to hang out after they've been dumped. but as far as i can tell once a guy has dumped a girl and moved onto someone else the chances of him wanting to remain friends are slim to none. but that could just be my interpretation based on my own experiences...

[FinOuch]

No. But one of my best friends did get her boyfriend back after 8 months of strict no contact, and another 3 months of ignoring his texts when he started breaking NC.

 

So I guess there is something to be said about NC...

 

In the very few situations I've witnessed...I think guys are more likely to respect NC, but are also more likely to pull the boomerang BS months down the road.

 

Or maybe that's just what sticks out in my mind.

[Gack]

i know people that have been friends with their ex's after they were dumped and got back together with them but they are messed up couples, always have fights/splits date other people, watch each other date other people and hurt then get back together.

 

i actually was dumped by my ex 2 years ago after dating for 2 1/2 months because she wanted to sleep with someone else. She came back to me 2 months later even while we were friends. The difference between you guys and me is that her and I were friends long before we ever hooked up. The other difference is she did the same **** to me again a year and a half later... haha and still wants me to be her friend again so i can be her doormat... shes well aware that this time it wont happen... plus she dumpster dove for her new bf lol he's hideous

 

im telling you guys/gals now, the pain the 2nd time around is 15xs worse then the first. dont do it, move on

 

Erm how does it feel like when your ex wanna sleep with other guys? I could never imagine that. I was thinking what if this was the case because we were each other 1st. Maybe she wanted to see the skills she learn through pleasuring me could work on other guys and maybe feel some kind of ego when she could control guys like that? Is that how it works or? Damn it i hate to think if she really is like that although she is the type to only be close to her bf. I would think SLUT! So what was your reaction and how did she tell you she wanted to sleep with other guys? Sorry for bringing this up but i hope you can enlighten me cuz i'm dealing with sexual jealousy right now.

[betterdeal]

Is this just a woman thing, or do guys do the same, i.e. want to hang onto their exes right after a breakup, when they were the dumper. If I was the dumper, I'd go NC straight away to enable the dumpee to heal. But thats just me I guess.

 

I've attempted to and am male. Some are cool with it; others are not. Some think that any sign of affection means you want to get back with them. Others think it's over and now we're friends and that's that.

 

It really depends on how independent spirited both parties are, and also what else is going in their lives. If you both have vibrant social lives and occupations, hobbies, interests et cetera, it's a lot easier to remain on good terms.

[Movingthrough]

 

any sign of affection means you want to get back with them

 

This right here is a big issue that isnt talked about a lot on here and i have personally dealt with this.

 

During my breakup i never really tried to be "friends", i did NC, she continued to message, then i started doing more communication which ultimatley probably ruined any chance of us being normal. I was more in the realm of trying to forgive the situation just so i could mentally move on, not become BFF's. What i would notice is everytime (which was usually started by her) something semi flirty or emotional would come up, she would drop off the face of the earth. I would wonder for weeks how the hell someone could say all that stuff then do nothing about it. I think what is quoted above is the reason. They broke it off for whatever reason, so when the sense of emotion comes back in, they back away, which in turn creates a round robin of BS.

 

You could be friends with her but be prepared for the ball to be in her court. She will answer when she wants, and talk to you when its convienent. NC is not easy, but it does work out the kinks, say what you have to say to her and go NC, dont go in with stuff on your mind because you will break it. Do what YOU feel you need to do.

[wilsonx]

Erm how does it feel like when your ex wanna sleep with other guys? I could never imagine that. I was thinking what if this was the case because we were each other 1st. Maybe she wanted to see the skills she learn through pleasuring me could work on other guys and maybe feel some kind of ego when she could control guys like that? Is that how it works or? Damn it i hate to think if she really is like that although she is the type to only be close to her bf. I would think SLUT! So what was your reaction and how did she tell you she wanted to sleep with other guys? Sorry for bringing this up but i hope you can enlighten me cuz i'm dealing with sexual jealousy right now.

 

Im probably a few years older then you but I realize that I am not the first to sleep with her and I definitely wont be the last. You have to have this mindset entering and exiting a relationship not while in it. This comes from being happy with yourself.

 

She did not tell me the reason she broke up with me. I knew the reason internally but I chose to remain friends with her. That was my choice and we still hooked up and slept next to each other for the next couple of months.

 

Sexual Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with and it takes time. You have to get in the mindset that when you are not in a relationship with the person anymore, it does not matter what they do. It really doesn't. What matters is what you are going to do with yourself. The biggest problem is you are so focused on what she is doing and jealous because of it that you are not focused on yourself and what you should be doing. You should be out having fun, meeting new people, sleeping with others (if thats what you choose).

 

Im not going to lie, I am a month out of my relationship and I tried hooking up tonight only to realize I am not ready. The chick knew what was going on and shes cool with it and I have a new friend out of it. I honestly do not care what my ex does anymore as long as she stays out of my way. When she impedes on me making steps forward then I put her in her place and thats the mindset you should be in. You come first. Your happiness comes first, who cares what your ex is doing. It does not matter

[Eddie Edirol]

I know that I'm gonna be made out to be the bad guy in all of this now, by going NC.

Maybe its because of her age (shes 20, I'm 25) or the fact that I'm her first love and first ever bf, and she hasnt been through a breakup before, she simply does'nt know how to act in all of this?

 

Is this just a woman thing, or do guys do the same, i.e. want to hang onto their exes right after a breakup, when they were the dumper.

If I was the dumper, I'd go NC straight away to enable the dumpee to heal. But thats just me I guess.

 

She knows what she wants, which isnt you. She knows ho to act, She is trying not to leave you completely depressed because of her, because she cant deal with the guilt. it has nothing to do with anything else. She also might not like bieng alone. That could be why shes coming and going. Shes probably dating guys and its not working out, then she uses you to hang with until she finds someone else. Thats why shes hanging onto you.

[Gack]

Im probably a few years older then you but I realize that I am not the first to sleep with her and I definitely wont be the last. You have to have this mindset entering and exiting a relationship not while in it. This comes from being happy with yourself.

 

She did not tell me the reason she broke up with me. I knew the reason internally but I chose to remain friends with her. That was my choice and we still hooked up and slept next to each other for the next couple of months.

 

Sexual Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with and it takes time. You have to get in the mindset that when you are not in a relationship with the person anymore, it does not matter what they do. It really doesn't. What matters is what you are going to do with yourself. The biggest problem is you are so focused on what she is doing and jealous because of it that you are not focused on yourself and what you should be doing. You should be out having fun, meeting new people, sleeping with others (if thats what you choose).

 

Im not going to lie, I am a month out of my relationship and I tried hooking up tonight only to realize I am not ready. The chick knew what was going on and shes cool with it and I have a new friend out of it. I honestly do not care what my ex does anymore as long as she stays out of my way. When she impedes on me making steps forward then I put her in her place and thats the mindset you should be in. You come first. Your happiness comes first, who cares what your ex is doing. It does not matter

 

Well for me we were each others 1st. I still love and miss her even though I have move on. I hang out with friends and all yet I think of her we done so much together that most of the places and things I do, we done it b4 and I will think she always did this with me in the past. We were each other 1st and it hard imagining her being touched by others. Protecting her for 3 years and suddenly it doesn't matter what she does is hard to do. Even though I have not contact her for around 11 days. It torturing.. I do get pissed at her for treating me this way but I can't stay angry at her. It pointless. True she cheated on me and the things she has done make me sad and mad. But i'm not that person to hold on to anger and hate the person. Things aren't going well with my life now too.

[smudge21]

Whenever anyone asks "can I be friends with my ex?", I always think back to something a close friend said to me when I was in the same situation. He asked "how would you feel when she tells you she's met someone and fallen in love?". It's so true; your feelings in response to that question tell you whether or not you can be just friends. I tried it with my most recent ex and I had to say goodbye, it just got worse and worse as the thing with being friends is, your ex believes she/he can tell you anything and you'll be fine with it. You are, afterall, a friend. They won't be nasty about it, they'll just be being a good friend and wanting to let you know about their lives. Sadly, if that something is about a new partner, it will crush you, but there will be nothing you can do about it.

 

As sad as it is, I think NC is your answer here as it's clear friends would be too hard on you. I'd be honest with her, tell her how you feel and why you have to go NC. Don't leave her wondering what's going on this time as she's only going to make contact otherwise, and you'll be back to where you are now.

[d'janiero]

Thanks for all the replies guys. I know NC is the only way to move forward at this point.

 

As I said, her mixed signals drive me so crazy at times.

For example, we went out together last night, had a great time, I ended up back at her house watching a dvd in bed, she always snuggles up next to me, asked me to change into my comfy jogging pants (which she still has at her house) and we were nearly intimate again.

 

She says she is still attracted to me, always comments on how well I dress etc, and seems to get jelous at the thought of me being with other women.

Its almost as if she doesnt want me, but doesnt want anybody else to have me?

 

Mutual friends of ours (who I trust, and have confirmed time and time again that there is no other guy involved) think I should just give her time as shes confused etc, but its nearly 2 months since we split, and being in this limbo mode/half way house doesnt seem to be getting me anywhere. T

 

She claims that we're doing good, loves hanging out with me, so lets just see what happens, but surely 2 months is long enough for someone to decide whether or not they want to be with a person?

 

That said we never have actually broken contact fully, as we have been in touch morealess every single day since the split.

 

I think I answer my own question in saying that it really hurts sometimes to be around her, when we're embracing, laying together, just hanging out and I cant kiss her (well I dont want to try incase I get shut down).

But then we pretty much always come close to having sex:s

[stillafool]

tough situation to be in. If your not honest about your feelings and your holding back cause she is confused, it is time to move on. Do not make any contact with this woman. In my opinion she just wants to string you along. I have became friends with ex's but it was after I worked through the pain and the hurt that the break-up caused. Sometimes people do just fall out of love, and also maybe she feels being tied down right now isnt something she can handle. having Breast cancer and beating it was tough, but your a good man for standing by her side. Let her go break all ties and heal from the pain. Maybe later you can hang out and be friends but your only hurting yuorself more sticking around.

 

Definitely listen to this. Also, stop seeing her now since she wants space. That will give her time to decide if she really does want you back and act on it if she does. If you keep "hanging around" with her without a commitment, sooner or later she will meet another guy she wants to date and there will be nothing you can say about it. The pain will be terrible if you wait for that to happen. You are a good man and deserve to have a woman want you the way you want her. Good luck.

[Lisa_H]

You have to do what is healthy for you! If having this limbo - confusing contact is making you miserable then maybe it is not a good idea.

 

I can't say that you will or will not get back together by remaining friends.

 

The thing that worries me the most is that you are allowing yourself to stay in this state of turmoil and it sounds like she is getting her cake and eating it too!

 

She is probably also confused as to what she wants. Going through an illness as she did is not easy and can often times result in confusion and questions about your life. Not that this should be an excuse - but it very well be playing a part in her confusion.

 

Maybe you should seek some hep individually and then ask her to join you. Be completely honest with her -- a decision has to be made -- you can't go on with the confusion and pain. She will have to decide if she is really ready to lose you or commit to you.

 

You both may need help figuring this out so you can move forward with your lives together or apart in a healthy way and find the relationship you deserve!

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[CaliBabe]

I think it's really difficult to be friends with someone you have feelings for, you end up hurting yourself more. I think it's best to give yourself plenty of time to build yourself up with confidence and strength. She will also miss your company in this time. Keep yourself busy and create new interests and when you feel indifferent, then I think you would be ready to be friends. You will save yourself future heartache this way. Just my opinion.