I've been leading a guy on, now I feel so evil. How can I let him know the truth...?

[penguino]

First of all, I acknowledge this situation is entirely my fault. Basically I met this guy from a dating website, and after the first date, deep down I knew nothing would come of it. However, I thought I would give it a few more dates as one date is not always representative of what could be.

 

By the fourth date I was sure he wasn't for me, but I could see he was getting quite attached to me. He isn't a very social person, and he began to open up to me, telling me how the only time he'd cried was when he loved this girl who didn't love him back.

 

Instantly, I felt tremendously guilty as I was going to make him feel like this again. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to let him know there was the chance between us. I didn't want to hurt him.

 

I really enjoy his company as a friend, so I still meet up with him, but I have never outright said I didn't like him in that way. I've never said I like him in that way either. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I know I'm doing completely the opposite by leading him on, and I would hate it if it were me in his shoes. So I need to let him know where we stand.

 

This is the terrible bit: we've been meeting up for months now. At least nearly 7 months! It's such a weird situation. As I said, I like hanging out with him as a friend so I've tried to subtley let him know that's how I see us. When he's tried to hug me I've just sort of been really awkward, same when we once held hands (this is the only physical contact we've had, and it's only been on 3 occasions at the most. Never even kissed him or anything.) But I think he just assumes I'm awkward when it comes to intimacy.

 

I make sure I never send him kisses in a text. I've never talked about an 'us', or a possibility of an 'us'. I've made sure I've paid equally for every meal, trip out etc. H'e's bought me gifts and I've given him a little eraser and a sticker and stuff, but this is how I'd treat my friends usually.

 

I assumed that if I never mentioned anything that implied we were in a relationship he'd get the message and we'd just stay friends. But I get the feeling he sees us as something more than we are. And I can understand why, I mean I did meet him on a dating website (even know on my profile I ticked the option of 'looking for friends' on there as well as 'looking for a realtionship'). And he has done some things that have made me think 'WOAH HANG ON':

 

- he took me in to meet his parents

- on two occasions he's mentioned the future. 'I wonder what our kids would look like', and 'imagine how messy our house would be if we lived together'.

 

He doesn't have many friends and he still lives with his parents so I guess he's looking for companionship, and I'm there for it. But I don't fancy him. I want us to be friends. Plus, I'm already dating a guy I really like and it might get serious. He doesn't know about this (ok this makes me sound like a total harlot, which I'm honestly not! )

 

Oh gosh, I know this is entirely my fault. He's nearly 27 and I'm 19, I guess he's looking for a serious relationship at this stage of his life. How can I break it to him, with the minimal amount of hurt? Neither of us have said we're IN a relationship, but I guess he's treating our meetings as dates, especially as I let him hold my hand etc. I haven't done anything like that these last few months though, and he has never outright spoken about 'us' properly, and neither have I, so maybe it's not so bad if it was never official anyway? He always wants to meet up and I put it off so much, so I better say something soon.

Edited July 7, 2011 by penguino

[rodeo]

I am only 16 but if I were him I think the best way would be to do it gradually. Say you guys text all the time, text a little less, tell him you can't meet up 2 times before you go once, make sure your not flirty, and obviously don't let him hold your hand or anything. Basically, the easiest way would be to make him NOT like YOU. Goodluck

[vsmini]

I am only 16 but if I were him I think the best way would be to do it gradually. Say you guys text all the time, text a little less, tell him you can't meet up 2 times before you go once, make sure your not flirty, and obviously don't let him hold your hand or anything. Basically, the easiest way would be to make him NOT like YOU. Goodluck

 

Sorry - but this sounds like something a 16 year old would say and I beg the OP to not take this advice. It's so immature and if a guy did that to us we would be furious and call them a coward.

 

Do what you have to do, be straight with him - make it quick, like a bandaid. Don't drag this out more than you have. But please don't syphon off contact.

[rafallus]

If he already developed feelings for you, it's IMPOSSIBLE to break up with him without hurt. Hell, your own ego could take a blow.

 

The faster, the better. Tell him that he's not for you, that you date somebody else, etc.

[penguino]

Thanks everyone for the input. Yeah, you're right. How do I go about telling him? Shall I just tell him in simple words that I don't see us being in a relationship, despite my admiration for him as a person? He's going to want to know why I've not said something sooner though.

[Els]

He is going to want to know that, yes. And the simple answer to that is an admission that you ****ed up in that because you were too scared to hurt him, and are really sorry for it.

[Rose T]

People get out of relationships at all stages - 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months, 7 years. You don't have to explain why now to him, but you might want to think carefully about this whole experience for future dating scenarios and try and understand why you have continued to see him.

 

The important thing is that you tell him as soon as possible, to his face if possible, and just say that you don't see yourselves being in a relationship and don't see a future together. The less you mince words, the bigger a favour you are doing him. Good luck!

[sm1tten]

I don't think it really matters much what you say or how you say it, this is not going to be fun or easy for either of you. I would just tell him that you don't have romantic feelings for him as simply and straightforward as possible. I wouldn't offer to be his friend either... he needs to establish his own boundaries with you and he should take space to do that, especially after 7 months of "dating."

 

I do not envy you this, at all. I bet this guy is going to turn up on here as one of the resident "bitter" posters. It just goes to show, sadly, how two people can have totally different ideas about the relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

OMG... This story is just stomach turning. I know the intentions were good... but this is just horrible.

[Jono85]

OMG... This story is just stomach turning. I know the intentions were good... but this is just horrible.

 

 

why though??

 

the way i see it...u guys never even kissed in 7 months? no physical contact? u never said u liked him or had feelings for him?

 

why should she feel THAT bad?? doesn't sound like she was too dishonest with him. i think a lot of the blame must go to this guy for letting it go 7 months without any of the above happening...assuming he actually has feelings for you. which i'm not even sure of.