simplyloving Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 So, here is the naked truth. I went on vacation with my husband and friends of ours. We arrived and the cousins of the friend's family we were with were so attractive! Each man's body was well groomed, sculpted, muscle definition and a smooth savey dress code. I simply was kinda ashame because my husband was the complete opposite. Don't get me wrong my husbands has great qualities that i love. Priceless and rarely found. Yet, i can't help but think that from the very begining his weight was always a turn off. We have been married five years and i'm still waiting on the passion and chemistry i instantly feel when i see other men, (husbands) or friends in our circle. We have "Just love". How or will this ever change. I want to lust after my husband and glare across the room and think to my self how fine he is. Yet, I glare across the room and wish my husband looks like the other men in the room:( Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Is he overweight? By how much? How long have you two been married? Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I have to ask - how come you married a man with whom you have no passion and no chemistry? I understand that you obviously placed other qualities above passion and chemistry when you chose to marry your husband, but marriage can't survive without a strong level of physical attraction too. What made you think that this physical attraction would magically appear? It won't. If it wasn't there in the first place, it never will be. If you thought his other qualities were so perfect for you when you married that you were prepared to do without passion and chemistry, what's changed? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I have to ask - how come you married a man with whom you have no passion and no chemistry? I understand that you obviously placed other qualities above passion and chemistry when you chose to marry your husband, but marriage can't survive without a strong level of physical attraction too. What made you think that this physical attraction would magically appear? It won't. If it wasn't there in the first place, it never will be. If you thought his other qualities were so perfect for you when you married that you were prepared to do without passion and chemistry, what's changed? This is a good point. She married him knowing he was overweight and she did not have chemistry. That was not a good plan, but now that they are married, she needs to accept and love him for who he is, and not try to change him or lust after other guys that are more attractive. Just think of his good qualities that made him your husband, and enjoy the sex with him regardless. He may not be the greatest to look at, but he can still be fun in the sack. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) I have to ask - how come you married a man with whom you have no passion and no chemistry?Yeah... For passion, your husband would probably have to get into shape and educate himself on your "sexual triggers". Same with you on him. Actually isn't too difficult as long both of you are willing to do the hard work. I know of quite a few passionless marriages that have been pulled back from the brink. Chemistry is one of those things that either happens or doesn't...at least in my experience. You're pretty much effed there. Does your husband know that you feel this way about him? I'm guessing no. You know, I have a close friend who...isn't the most attractive guy around. Was in the same position as your husband a few years ago. Married for 8 years, and been in the relationship for 12. His now ex-wife chucked the "I've never been physically attracted to you" bomb. I'll deliver the question that he asked his wife to you: Why do women do this? Edited July 8, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 As I am not religious and the connotation I can not shake. But there should be one question that needs to be asked (forget those about sharing, money, children, house cleaning.....)..... How important is sex to you right now and 10-20 years down the road? How does it relate to intimacy and what you want going forward? How important is your spouse's appearance and how would you react if he she "let herself go"? Really that is it.... For those who remember mem11363, his whole premise surrounding marriage and his happiness revolved around having regular sex, and his spouse maintaining a ggg (Goog/Generous/Giving) ideal in addition to staying in shape..... I imagine and am going to cut the OP some slack, that she had very little idea the importance sex plays in a marriage/relationship and will bet she is under 30 and was fairly naive/inexperienced about it. Link to post Share on other sites
powerplay Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 During pre martial and post martial counseling, or even it the book you read you will learn that communication is the key you need to tlak with your husband and if he loves you will will make an effort to get in shape. tell him how you feel when you see other men bodies and how you wish he looked like that if he truly loves you he will make effort . You on the other hand need to be appreciative of what you have a good body is not all there's is. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I bet you married your husband because he had a 'good' job. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I have a totally different question here. Sounds like you love this guy so my question is, when he has got some exercise or has dressed a little closer to what you find attractive, have you encouraged him to keep doing this? Do you just daydream, wishing he would do this stuff or have you actually tried to encourage and motivate him a bit? And did you tell him when he's done this stuff that you like "you look so hot!" or similar things to let him know he's totally on the right track with you? Link to post Share on other sites
elleorbianca Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Why don't people think about practical solutions to these problemsbefire they get married. Then people pretend I'm cynical Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I bet you married your husband because he had a 'good' job. If this was her only criteria, she surely could have found a man with a "good job" who was also in shape. Probably, she married him because she felt he was loving, respectful, reliable, trustworthy, etc. All good, husbandly qualities, and also lovable ones, but not passion inspiring ... Link to post Share on other sites
dream2nite Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is a good point. She married him knowing he was overweight and she did not have chemistry. That was not a good plan, but now that they are married, she needs to accept and love him for who he is, and not try to change him or lust after other guys that are more attractive. Just think of his good qualities that made him your husband, and enjoy the sex with him regardless. He may not be the greatest to look at, but he can still be fun in the sack. What? I don't understand and maybe I'm being so evil or something and I'm not even aware of it, but we all make mistakes. Why is getting married such a do or die thing? I mean I was married for ever before so I don't think I'm being too shallow (or am I?) but does it really make you such a bad person if you try to undo something (like marriage) because you're not happy anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Judt divorce him and let him find somebody else. Why did you even marry him? Link to post Share on other sites
dream2nite Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is a good point. She married him knowing he was overweight and she did not have chemistry. That was not a good plan, but now that they are married, she needs to accept and love him for who he is, and not try to change him or lust after other guys that are more attractive. Just think of his good qualities that made him your husband, and enjoy the sex with him regardless. He may not be the greatest to look at, but he can still be fun in the sack. As I am not religious and the connotation I can not shake. But there should be one question that needs to be asked (forget those about sharing, money, children, house cleaning.....)..... How important is sex to you right now and 10-20 years down the road? How does it relate to intimacy and what you want going forward? How important is your spouse's appearance and how would you react if he she "let herself go"? Really that is it.... For those who remember mem11363, his whole premise surrounding marriage and his happiness revolved around having regular sex, and his spouse maintaining a ggg (Goog/Generous/Giving) ideal in addition to staying in shape..... I imagine and am going to cut the OP some slack, that she had very little idea the importance sex plays in a marriage/relationship and will bet she is under 30 and was fairly naive/inexperienced about it. No trust me, you don't have to be under 30 to realize how important gratifying sex is, it just takes realizing it and not feeling guilty about it. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) If this was her only criteria, she surely could have found a man with a "good job" who was also in shape. And how do you know that she could have landed a successful and physically attractive man if she wanted? Do you know her? Have you met her? Do you really think a woman who could get the whole package would voluntarily settle for a half package? Edited July 12, 2011 by musemaj11 Link to post Share on other sites
woman28 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 And how do you know that she could have landed a successful and physically attractive man if she wanted? Do you know her? Have you met her? Do you really think a woman who could get the whole package would voluntarily settle for a half package? The answer on your last question is definetely a YES! Trust me! I´m kind a in the same situation she is in. I´m not here to brag about myself, but all dressed up i can easily do "the-Hollywood-red-carpet-thing" a la megan fox mixed with natalie portman hahaha ... and i have alll the brains, so may be THATS the reason why i married a man with a fine character. Because i really use my brains, and i´m not a golddigger. So yes... those women do exist! Link to post Share on other sites
LilyBart Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Really that is it.... For those who remember mem11363, his whole premise surrounding marriage and his happiness revolved around having regular sex, and his spouse maintaining a ggg (Goog/Generous/Giving) ideal in addition to staying in shape..... Correction. Good and generous are the same thing. GGG = Good/Giving/GAME. Good - as in being a skillful lover Giving - as in being a generous lover Game - as in being a lover who is "up for anything" Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I have to argue as well that we are not taught to prioritize sex in finding a marriage partner. I was with my husband since we were 17, he had many great attributes but one of them was the same issue as the OP. I believed for years that it was petty to be disappointed in his lack of attractiveness and his interest in sex. That there were more things that were much more important. I can say, I know don't sacrifice in that area and I want a man who cares to invest in me as much as I do with him. That we do not get comfortable and let the sweatpants come flying out every day but a priority to make sure we stay attractive for our significant other. Because we care what they think, what they like, and what they desire. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 The answer on your last question is definetely a YES! Trust me! Nah, it doesnt happen. If a woman chose to marry a half package instead of a whole package, the most likely explanation is that the whole package probably doesnt want to marry her in the first place, so she moved down to the second best choice. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 What? I don't understand and maybe I'm being so evil or something and I'm not even aware of it, but we all make mistakes. Why is getting married such a do or die thing? I mean I was married for ever before so I don't think I'm being too shallow (or am I?) but does it really make you such a bad person if you try to undo something (like marriage) because you're not happy anymore? It's unfair to the spouse if you marry them knowing full well what their appearance is, what their personality is, what their job is, etc., and then try to change them after the marriage. Not a fair expectation. As far as marriage goes, I consider it a promise to your spouse and to God. I take marriage very seriously. Not something to be entered into lightly. Not something to be temporary until something better comes along, or thrown out when something goes wrong. I believe in fixing a marriage when it breaks down, and hanging in there. All marriages have their ups and downs. Happiness is a feeling, and when things are getting a little rough and you're not happy at the moment, I don't believe in throwing in the towel. I believe in working out whatever is wrong with the marriage. I make the exception when it comes to infidelity. That is something I would never tolerate in a marriage, since it breaks the trust that all marriages are based on. Feelings come and go. It will be the same the second time around, and the third. Stuff happens, stress happens, and you'll find yourself in the same boat--not happy, ready to divorce. Did you know that the divorce rate for second marriages is 75%? Even higher for 3rd marriages. I believe in working on a marriage to bring back the happiness and love that may have been lost. Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Nah, it doesnt happen. If a woman chose to marry a half package instead of a whole package, the most likely explanation is that the whole package probably doesnt want to marry her in the first place, so she moved down to the second best choice. Actually, there's another reason. I believe women go with these less desirable men because it makes them feel better, more in control, and less threatened. These women don't want to worry that their man may have a better chance of cheating. Afterall they know how desirable he is, and so they realize other women will too. It also, makes her feel good that she feels she can do better...and he can't...power. It all works for them...accept she's not horny for the SO, hence the issues you hear here. Then they blame it on the guy instead of just admitting they want someone much hotter. See, it doesn't really matter how trustworthy, good father material etc, a man is. One female poster even said it: not passion inspiring. there it is. Women are guilty of their own "Madonna-Whore " complex. They want a great guy..but they don't want that guy to be the guy they want to bang. This works for awhile, but it comes out later, unfortunately for the guy, usually when married and part of life wasted. I'm cynical, but why oh why do we even have relationships anymore, let alone marriage?. It's the stupidest thing. There is less and less in it for men, and almost nothing for MODERN women either....AND it's much easier ladies for you to live the single life. SO, woma28 should love that setup. I think only the top 10% of good looking desirable people should be together. The rest can fend for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 See, it doesn't really matter how trustworthy, good father material etc, a man is. One female poster even said it: not passion inspiring. there it is. Women are guilty of their own "Madonna-Whore " complex. They want a great guy..but they don't want that guy to be the guy they want to bang. This works for awhile, but it comes out later, unfortunately for the guy, usually when married and part of life wasted. It matters that a man is trustworthy and good father material. It isn't passion inspiring, but it is important nevertheless. The passion comes from other factors, also important. They can coexist in the same partner. Arguably, the most successful couples have a balance of both. Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 It matters that a man is trustworthy and good father material. It isn't passion inspiring, but it is important nevertheless. The passion comes from other factors, also important. They can coexist in the same partner. Arguably, the most successful couples have a balance of both. But at an alarming rate, it doesn't seem to coexist, does it? I see it everywhere, and we all see it right here. those qualities are important, but often there isn't enough else to ignite the passion. And, ask men if they want to waste 25-50 years of their life caring for someone who doesn't really want them, but loves that he is a "good man", and I think the men would give up a body part to get those years back. I know you think it's really cynical, but just like these women want spark and passion, men should no longer be the guy who is the sperm donor, father, lawn cutter and bottle opener. Men deserve what women want to...and I just don't see that too often anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 But at an alarming rate, it doesn't seem to coexist, does it? I see it everywhere, and we all see it right here. those qualities are important, but often there isn't enough else to ignite the passion. And, ask men if they want to waste 25-50 years of their life caring for someone who doesn't really want them, but loves that he is a "good man", and I think the men would give up a body part to get those years back. I know you think it's really cynical, but just like these women want spark and passion, men should no longer be the guy who is the sperm donor, father, lawn cutter and bottle opener. Men deserve what women want to...and I just don't see that too often anymore. And that is exactly how the friend in my example felt. He was always singing his wife's praises, going on about how much he loved everything about her. To know that she had never felt the same way towards him pretty much destroyed his ability to trust people for a long time. It wasn't an issue of him feeling rejected by her. It was the fact that she had unintentionally mind****ed him for the duration of their entire relationship. The number of times I had to listen to him crying on the drive back home... What? I don't understand and maybe I'm being so evil or something and I'm not even aware of it, but we all make mistakes. Why is getting married such a do or die thing? I mean I was married for ever before so I don't think I'm being too shallow (or am I?) but does it really make you such a bad person if you try to undo something (like marriage) because you're not happy anymore? Quite simple: It sounds all well and good when they are your little "mistakes". But nobody wants to be on the receiving end of another person's mistakes. Especially mistakes that can last for decades. I doubt that you or anyone else here are exceptions. Honestly OP, talk to your husband. You could probably go on an workout routine together. So you look and feel better, and you get to spend some more intimite time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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