Realizing that your ex really doesn't care about you anymore.

[RuinedLife]

Recently it has become clearer than ever to me that my ex no longer cares about me. And I know after over 6 months apart this should be no surprise, but it still hurts. Maybe a lot more than it should after all this time, but still, it hurts!

 

When we first broke up he wanted to try and stay friends at least and I hoped we could too, so we kept in sporadic contact. Bad idea! (And to any one else pondering about whether to keep in contact with an ex or not, I would strongly advise that you limit contact as much as humanly possible unless you feel you were not at all emotionally invested in the relationship.) Recently, however, I went against all the NC rules in the worst possible way, and was stupid enough to lay out most of my feelings for my ex on the table yet again, telling him how much I still love him, miss him and how much I am still struggling with the break up even after all this time.

 

But he is just ignoring me so coldly and its clear that his level of interest in me is virtually zero. Which pretty much says it all, i.e. He's NOT interested!! He doesn't love me!! Probably doesn't even like me very much and yet I still insist on making excuses for him, for why he's ignoring me and giving myself false hopes, telling myself that 'he'll come round, he'll send an email soon to let me know how he's getting on etc'.

 

But its such a completely ridiculous way of thinking! And I think maybe I am finally starting to see the futility in trying to keep contact like this. But I can't deny the fact that my mind automatically wonders to delusional thoughts and fantasies still. Maybe it always will in some ways. I don't know. What I do know is that right now at least my ex is ignoring me cold and I need to stop seeing things in warm comforting colors when the harsh reality is that my long lost relationship is black and stone cold dead.

Edited July 7, 2011 by RuinedLife

[smudge21]

Your heart is still leading your head, putting those ideas in there and making you build up this false hope. Yep, right there with you. Despite the fact I've not heard a peep from her in over a month now, I still believe she'll get in touch at some point. Sad isn't it? Even though I know she's happy with her new guy, I still have these hopes and dreams.

 

I do try to think of a previous ex whenever I get like this. I dumped her (yep, paying the price now) and I know that my feelings at the time were that I lost all interest in her. I was forcing myself to try and feel something but nothing was there. I was living a lie and so had to end it. When it did, we tried the friends thing but it was too much for her. She too would email or text with her feelings yet I was so moved on I never really got concerned about them - I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. My feelings had long gone, and although I'd reply to her and be polite and nice, I could never feel the way she did.

 

Now of course I can swap the situations around and see it from the other side - with my current ex being the uncaring person I was. Not really interested in my contact and just totally moved on. So in the past two years I've seen this whole mess from both sides... and to be honest, I hate them both!

[RuinedLife]

Its becoming harder and harder for me to live in a fantasy world where my ex still loves me, but I'm still trying. And reality really hurts still. I'm reading so many self help books, but everything just makes me think of how great my ex bf was and how stupid I was to throw our relationship away.

 

And even after over 6 months apart I STILL think about him all the time and love him way more than is healthy. I just don't know what to do to stop loving him. Just the thought that I lost him, that I ruined what we had together is enough to sadden my soul for an eternity it seems.

[smudge21]

This won't last an eternity, but it will hurt until the very day it, well, no longer hurts. I just know from past that all things end at some point, and that includes the pain we feel from losing a loved one. But right now, like me, it's hard to imagine ever being 'over it', so to speak.

 

Try to have more faith and believe you will get better. I still think of my ex every single day, I can't help it. Wish I could stop it, but feels like it's out of my control.

 

Stay strong and keep focusing on healing - it will happen. Try to remember you're not alone.

[shortee143]

Watching my ex move on, kills, but I just think wow, now he cares about her, not me...she is what I once was to him. hard pill to swallow when I still am in love with him, but it is slowly getting easier each day...WHY? Well bc it has too!! We cant live in this misery forever Every time I see him, I just tell myself it is over, and that is that...but don't get wrong, sometimes I still get that panicky feeling..u know the one I mean!

 

The only thing I can say is, well my ex ex...I was a wreck when we broke up, literally thought he was the one, how was I going to survive, how hurt and lonely I was, etc. But today, I could careless!! As cliche as it sounds, we get thru it. I am still going thru the motions with the most recent ex, as I see him often sadly. But I know deep inside I will get thru it, and there are so many other guys out there!! It is ridiculous to think you'll never be cared for again!

 

Hang in there- breakups can feel like the most awful thing ever. I'd give anything to have my old ex back and the person he used to be. Just go thru the motions, you'll come out ok on the other side!

[Lil1]

I too still think about my ex even after 6 months of being apart with no contact (well, once briefly when he picked up some of his things in April). Even though it makes me sad to think that person is gone completely from my life I also have faith that I will find love again when the time is right. I think what I miss the most is the sharing and giving of love. I do miss him as a person but I also see now that we were not right for eachother. I miss being in a relationship but that is not a good enough reason to get into a relationship.

 

I think the most beneficial thing any one can do when going through a grieving process is to learn from that experience and grow as individuals. It is easy to fall victim to that mindset of "I wasn't good enough for my ex so I must be broken" or "I gave my ex everything I had and he still didn't want me so there must be something wrong with me". But the truth is, the love we give to others is NEVER a wasted effort, and the fact that we are capable of giving so much of ourselves to others is a testament to our own inherent "goodness".

 

Love yourself, love others, and enjoy life! Love will find each and everyone of us who is open to it

[RuinedLife]

Thanks guys. Lots more inspirational words and shared experiences to help guide me. Really hope I do start to see the light soon and face my demons.

 

Because I'm ashamed to say, that so far I've been struggling a lot even to accept that the break up is final and that me and my ex will no longer be the best friends that we once were, never again be as close as we once were. As despite his consistent non-interest in my life I keep trying to reach out to him. And I know it is stupid and misguided. But I feel so alone without him in my life. My family are here for me and I'm glad but they just don't look at life in the same way as me, and just don't 'get me' as it were, like my ex does.

 

I know it makes no sense and its ridiculous to keep trying to call out to someone when your desperate attempts repeatedly (or at least 90% of the time) fall on deaf ears, but in a way I feel like I'm falling and my ex is the one holding the rope. Of course to get better I know I must change about all these thoughts in my mind and imagine instead leaving my ex behind in favor of a happier more fulfilling life with someone who appreciates me more in the future. Its just hard to let go when you love someone so much. But I'm reading the 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart' book now and learning about using visualizations to alter your thinking patterns so hopefully that will help.

[louise_23]

if its any consolation, i feel exactly the same. im crying as i write. it kills me that i cant seem to move on but my ex is now on his 2nd girlfriend since we split 7months ago and he thought he'd get in touch a few ays ago and tell me how happy they are, and home improvements she is helping with, in what used to be our house.

 

we spent 6yrs together, i cant believe he moved on so fast.

Edited July 8, 2011 by louise_23
got cut offfff midsentence

[bdoggle]

I am interested to know what goes on in your mind that caused you to throw the relationship away in the first place. My ex, like you, dumped me about 7 mos ago for no reason I'm aware of. I was good to her, and then she just left with no explanation. She does text on occasion saying things like "you are the love of my life", "I'm in love with you and sorry to have throw it all away". She tells me of her pain which I struggle to understand because she dumped me and I'm the one in pain because of it. She will not respond to my calls, and hangs up on me if I do get through, yet she'll text me and tell me how she loves me. What is going on here? Is she just insane?

[RuinedLife]

I am interested to know what goes on in your mind that caused you to throw the relationship away in the first place. My ex, like you, dumped me about 7 mos ago for no reason I'm aware of. I was good to her, and then she just left with no explanation. She does text on occasion saying things like "you are the love of my life", "I'm in love with you and sorry to have throw it all away". She tells me of her pain which I struggle to understand because she dumped me and I'm the one in pain because of it. She will not respond to my calls, and hangs up on me if I do get through, yet she'll text me and tell me how she loves me. What is going on here? Is she just insane?

 

Ok well obviously I don't know for sure what your ex gf is thinking, but from your description sounds possible that she is very confused and emotionally unstable.

 

In my case, the situation was a crazy one, we had a huge fight after which my ex bf decided he was happier without me and wouldn't give our relationship another chance. But I blame myself pretty much solely for the fight and therefore I blame myself for "throwing away the relationship".

[reimeivn]

Oh you know its not what you did, or what you didnt do at a moment when you guys were still together. its how he is as a person and so really, even if he moves on and be with some other chicks, and seems to treat them nicer, he doenst change as a person. and that person still doesnt deserve you. so who cares.

 

hope it helps.

 

i get really sad and scared thinking about my ex having a new gf but i think i ll keep telling myself that he already had, and feel the feeling. after all, if i dont act out, or talk it out, or break NC, i ll be fine soon.

[bdoggle]

Confused and emotionally unstable...I get that stuff, I could have helped her. What is extremely hard to digest is that my ex left me for nothing (or so I thought) She may have taken up with her next door neighbor who is quite a bit older and somewhat lesser of a person than me I believe. She moved into a new house (which I helped her get) after she got divorced to be with me and said her neighbor liked her. She still sends me text messages saying she is sorry and has so much remorse. "Please don't hate me, I hate myself and don't deserve", "I love you so much", and yet will not see or talk to me! I can't understand what she is doing and why. It is like torture. Do you think she is so afraid of intimacy that she would cut her nose off to spite her face?

[RuinedLife]

Confused and emotionally unstable...I get that stuff, I could have helped her. What is extremely hard to digest is that my ex left me for nothing (or so I thought) She may have taken up with her next door neighbor who is quite a bit older and somewhat lesser of a person than me I believe. She moved into a new house (which I helped her get) after she got divorced to be with me and said her neighbor liked her. She still sends me text messages saying she is sorry and has so much remorse. "Please don't hate me, I hate myself and don't deserve", "I love you so much", and yet will not see or talk to me! I can't understand what she is doing and why. It is like torture. Do you think she is so afraid of intimacy that she would cut her nose off to spite her face?

 

How old is she? She sounds like a very confused soul. If she can't decide that she definitely loves and definitely wants to be with you then sounds like you are better off without all her drama.

 

I'm trying to learn that the hard way. Because I talked to my ex bf last night and I really thought we were beginning to connect again, but of course, its all in my head, he doesn't love me anymore and I'm struggling to accept that even after 6 months!! Even when the evidence that he's moved on and is happier without me in his life is insurmountable I still cling to the hope that he will change his mind, that he will soon realize how much he loves and wants me in his life.

 

Every day I'm just becoming more and more insane I think. It felt so good to talk to him again just like old times the other night but now I'm REALLY paying the price yet again as of course it was a just one off and he's ignoring me again.

 

I just don't know how to stop loving him. I know I love him way more than is healthy, and am living in a delusional fantasy where we will 'be together soon' when in reality we've been apart over 6 months and he's likely moved on, probably even found a new girlfriend.

 

I just dont know how to make myself snap out of this delusional denial. I guess I'm using this fantasy that 'deep down he still loves me' to hide from the painful truth that he just doesn't care anymore.

Edited July 9, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Heartache3]

How old is she? She sounds like a very confused soul. If she can't decide that she definitely loves and definitely wants to be with you then sounds like you are better off without all her drama.

 

I'm trying to learn that the hard way. Because I talked to my ex bf last night and I really thought we were beginning to connect again, but of course, its all in my head, he doesn't love me anymore and I'm struggling to accept that even after 6 months!! Even when the evidence that he's moved on and is happier without me in his life is insurmountable I still cling to the hope that he will change his mind, that he will soon realize how much he loves and wants me in his life.

 

Every day I'm just becoming more and more insane I think. It felt so good to talk to him again just like old times the other night but now I'm REALLY paying the price yet again as of course it was a just one off and he's ignoring me again.

 

I just don't know how to stop loving him. I know I love him way more than is healthy, and am living in a delusional fantasy where we will 'be together soon' when in reality we've been apart over 6 months and he's likely moved on, probably even found a new girlfriend.

 

I just dont know how to make myself snap out of this delusional denial. I guess I'm using this fantasy that 'deep down he still loves me' to hide from the painful truth that he just doesn't care anymore.

 

RuinedLife,

 

I just want to say I know exactly what you're going through. My ex girlfriend of 3 years (both of us are 20) broke it off with me in February, hooked up with a different guy literally a week later at her community college. Someone who drinks, smokes, does poorly in school, etc. Basically settled for less, while I'm going to a university 40 miles away, honors listed, doesn't do any drugs or alcohol, etc.

 

We went 5 months NC until she decided to call me last week. The two of them didn't work out (she said there was no spark, and this guy even cheated on her with his ex) and she called to apologize for all the hurt she put me through (which was A LOT)... and just like you, I hung onto a false hope that MAYBE something was still there. I was so friendly with her, told her we could possibly be friends again and start slow. Because just like you, RuinedLife, I am still in love with this girl. But she didn't seem to reciprocate any affection, and for a week drama ensued. She still had feelings for this guy, and was tossing me around like a ragdoll, not sure if she should try again with this guy.

 

So last week I decided that was it, I was done with this drama. We talked early in the morning over the phone and said that friends was not a good idea when there was this little love triangle going on. And she wasn't very nice to me either... she even went on to say our 3 year relationship was all crap, which I KNOW was a complete lie; we had a very intense and loving relationship and only in the last few months did it start to go sour.

 

It really sucks doesn't it? You and I both had relationships that ended around the same time, yet our love for them is still so strong. :/ Even when your ex isn't very nice to you, ignores you, etc, I know what it means to hang onto that false hope. I admit, I'm still hoping that one day, she'll realize how great of a guy I was to her (especially compared to this guy), how much her family loves me (she and her family is Japanese and I really connected with them), basically what she's missing out on. :/ But in the meantime, RuinedLife, we have to keep moving. False hopes don't do us any good, they hinder our healing process.

 

Is this guy your first love? I'm sort of getting that impression, because my ex was. And these are always the hardest to move on from, but we can do this! For the rest of our lives, we may always love them. But I promise you that eventually, your past with him will fade into some fond memories. That's already happening to me.

 

Just keep your head high, continue being the great person you are, and one day that special man will come your way.

[sleepykitten]

I too still think about my ex even after 6 months of being apart with no contact (well, once briefly when he picked up some of his things in April). Even though it makes me sad to think that person is gone completely from my life I also have faith that I will find love again when the time is right. I think what I miss the most is the sharing and giving of love. I do miss him as a person but I also see now that we were not right for eachother. I miss being in a relationship but that is not a good enough reason to get into a relationship.

 

I think the most beneficial thing any one can do when going through a grieving process is to learn from that experience and grow as individuals. It is easy to fall victim to that mindset of "I wasn't good enough for my ex so I must be broken" or "I gave my ex everything I had and he still didn't want me so there must be something wrong with me". But the truth is, the love we give to others is NEVER a wasted effort, and the fact that we are capable of giving so much of ourselves to others is a testament to our own inherent "goodness".

 

Love yourself, love others, and enjoy life! Love will find each and everyone of us who is open to it

Very wise words indeed...this really helps me too, i spent way too long asking myself, well torturing myself with what ifs, why wasnt i good enough etc etc and the truth of it was it just didnt work out, even i knew that when we were together i tried so hard to make it work to avoid the pain i was in when he left. But I know I will meet someone one day when the time is right who it will work with untill then i am working on me, my self esteem and making myself happy.

[Wesker]

The hardest part for me letting go is that once you do that, she'll be pretty much gone forever. That's a scary feeling because right now there's still a part of me that loves her very much, would love to try working things out. What sucks even more is that the longer you are with someone,(7+ years for me), it's even harder to let go. So many things, even the stuff you pack away, reminds me of my ex since we did a lot of stuff together.

[Badenov]

The whole fantasy/denial thing is just your mind's way of easing the pain. Read this thread to better understand it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283115/

[RuinedLife]

Thanks again for all the posts guys!

 

Means a lot!

 

I'm so glad I can come here to post and share stories with everyone else who has been through similar heartbreak situations.

 

I'm still struggling a lot though I confess. Woke up with yet another panic attack this morning, regretting so much what I did to ruin my relationship and lose my ex from my life.

 

I just love him so much and I don't know how to stop, but he doesn't seem to care about me, hardly at all anymore. I bet he had a new girlfriend and even the thought of it is driving me to despair.

 

I don't know what to do. I know theres nothing to do really. I feel so compelled to apologize to him again though and to tell him how much I still love him and how much I miss him again. I know it probably wont make any difference at this stage but I feel so incredibly lonely. Even around my family, I just think about him all the time and I try to live in the fantasy that things will be ok in the end. But I know its all a fantasy and the longer he ignores me the more it all crumbles away and leaves me with the horrifying truth of reality yet again.

 

I'm sorry to waffle on guys. I'm ranting I guess. I just feel so heartbroken and alone and its killing. I keep trying to forgive myself and see that he just doesn't love me anymore but that hurts so much too. Knowing I love him so much and he is so much happier with me out of his life.

 

I just feel so worthless and empty inside even with all the medication (anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds) I'm on and I just keep freaking out and despairing.

 

Its truly torture this heartbreak. Pure torture.

[amethyste]

You did nothing wrong! It's not your fault that he's left.

[Badenov]

I keep trying to forgive myself

 

Please remember this: No matter what you coulda/woulda/shoulda done, it wouldn't have mattered. Sometimes when the other person wants out but doesn't want to be "the bad guy," they grab onto the first flimsiest excuse the other person gives them. Beating yourself up is pointless, he took the coward's way out.

[smudge21]

Continue to rant as much as you want. Knowing others are going through the same, in a way, gives me resolve not to give up, but to aim to heal. I have this vision of being able to one day post on here, looking back at this time and realising how much I've healed. Being able to say I'm in love again with someone new, someone better, and have many of you (including you RL) reply back saying "yeah, same here". I know that will happen, one day.

 

You say he's happier with you out of his life - sorry, but I never think that's true. I think when we split up, whether we're the dumper or dumpee, yes we do find happiness again, but it's never the same happiness we had with our previous partners. It's very much different.

 

I know that a few years ago I met 'the one'. When that ended I so wanted to have that same level of happiness I shared with her and thought no one would be able to give me the happiness she gave me. No one would be like her. And that was so true - no one has ever been like her. My current ex (who oddly was also 'the one' in my mind) is totally different to that previous one and the happiness we shared was equally as powerful, but also equally different. Even though I wanted someone like my previous ex, I ended up falling for someone totally different to her.

 

So yeah, your ex is probably happy, that's obvious. But I garauntee it won't be the same happy he shared with you. Just like when you meet someone new, everything will be different. Although you think your current ex is all you ever want, you will meet someone else and he will give you everything you want, but in a different way.

 

Have I explained that well enough - sometimes it's easy to know what I want to put then it is to actually put it.

 

Anyway, keep posting and we'll all keep each other strong, until the day comes when we're both healed and only come here to offer our help to others...

[RuinedLife]

Well... been doing REALLY badly this evening... and I'm ashamed to say that I broke NC yet again

 

To tell my ex bf that I understand he's happier without me now but that he still means a lot to me. I know, its terrible. But like I say, I've had a horrible evening, despairing and panicking. I think because I was hoping that he would message me again but he never did. I suppose this is why the best advice to stick to NC no matter what.

 

I guess when I talked to my ex the other day and it was like old times, part of me just really hoped he was really starting to care about me again and reconnect. But of course I was fooling myself yet again. And I won't lie to you guys, I still am trying to lie to myself even though reality is seeping through and scorching my soul now.

 

Ouch!! Oh my lord ouch!! *Sobs into pillow all night*

[smudge21]

I'm betting you were alone for a while before you broke NC. Maybe not doing anything, just chilling, nothing on TV... etc etc. This is the worse time to be going through this pain as the mind wanders and all those feelings kick in. I had a few quite hours on Sunday and with it being the month we met, all those memories just flooded in. Really sad.

 

You have to recognise when this times come and then focus on how you feel everytime you break NC. Do you ever feel good afterwards? Are you smiling as you break NC as you hope this will be the time everything will change, only to have those feelings shot down a few hours later when there's no response? I could so easily check out my ex online via many things and I'd no doubt find a lot of info and plenty of pictures. Yeah, it would be nice to see her face again, but I know that the following day I'd be at rock bottom, really hurting. That memory keeps me holding back (been exactly one week since I saw her Twitter page) despite how tempting it is to look.

 

Everyone will tell you that breaking NC and chasing an ex constantly will never work - you'll never heal and they'll never come back. Why should they even think about coming back when in their eyes you haven't gone anywhere. You're still there, making contact. You're still wanting them and they're doing nothing in return to warrant your feelings. If you want him to miss you, then first he has to miss you. Does that make sense?

 

I keep saying things will get better, but you have to give it time. You have to force NC into your life. We do all know how hard that can be though...

[Badenov]

First of all, you have to tell yourself "I don't know how he feels." You don't. Plain fact. Even if he tells you, you don't know if it's true. You don't know that he cares, you don't know if he doesn't. You don't know if he's happier without you or miserable. You look for signs & grab onto breadcrumbs to convince yourself one way or the other, because you feel you just HAVE to know the truth. That's why you keep breaking NC.

 

But here's the most important thing: IT DOESN"T MATTER!

 

You're caught between trying to make yourself feel better (He loves me) and acceptance (he loves me not). Whether he does or not doesn't change your situation, & it doesn't change who you are or how you should feel about yourself.

 

Treat yourself well. Love yourself. If you feel there's something wrong with you, then work on improving it--not for him or anyone else, but for yourself. Be a good person. Be proud. Be kind. Be giving. Prove to yourself you are worth something.

 

Just remember: You don't know & you probably never will. If he doesn't want to be with you, that's a reflection on who he his, not you. Even if he did want you back, why should you? What's in it for you? It will never be the same (you're missing "what was", not "what would be now"), and you deserve better. Imagine the day he asks & you saying "No thanks!" Either way, it shouldn't change the way you feel about yourself. His feelings about you DO NOT MATTER!

 

Now quit wasting your time on him & get out there and enjoy your life.

[marqueemoon4]

First of all, you have to tell yourself "I don't know how he feels." You don't. Plain fact. Even if he tells you, you don't know if it's true. You don't know that he cares, you don't know if he doesn't. You don't know if he's happier without you or miserable. You look for signs & grab onto breadcrumbs to convince yourself one way or the other, because you feel you just HAVE to know the truth. That's why you keep breaking NC.

 

But here's the most important thing: IT DOESN"T MATTER!

 

You're caught between trying to make yourself feel better (He loves me) and acceptance (he loves me not). Whether he does or not doesn't change your situation, & it doesn't change who you are or how you should feel about yourself.

 

Treat yourself well. Love yourself. If you feel there's something wrong with you, then work on improving it--not for him or anyone else, but for yourself. Be a good person. Be proud. Be kind. Be giving. Prove to yourself you are worth something.

 

Just remember: You don't know & you probably never will. If he doesn't want to be with you, that's a reflection on who he his, not you. Even if he did want you back, why should you? What's in it for you? It will never be the same (you're missing "what was", not "what would be now"), and you deserve better. Imagine the day he asks & you saying "No thanks!" Either way, it shouldn't change the way you feel about yourself. His feelings about you DO NOT MATTER!

 

Now quit wasting your time on him & get out there and enjoy your life.

 

great post and pretty much the plain truth. control what you can control -- YOU.