Secluding myself from myself

[direleap]

I'm beginning to doubt myself, and my own decisions I make, and even who I am or have become.

 

For a brief history, I'll start off with what I believe is beginning of my eclipse.

About three years back, I met a girl named... Jane, and immediately liked her. The problem there, was that my best friend was also attracted to her. At that time, I thought I'd give my feelings a pass, and also the girl.

At about the last quadrant of their relationship, I began to develop strong feeling towards her, but I kept quiet. That is, until a week or two after they had separated, when I told her how I felt, in which her response was she wasn't ready. I accepted that, but kept on showing her I care for her, and at times the conflict between our readiness for a relationship caused us to frequently get into arguments which eventually made me decide to let go of her all-together.

 

My family and I moved a while later. During that time of feeling the need to belong in this new place, I began to speak to the girl again. She became ready for a new relationship in this period, which was ironic at least.

For the summer she came to visit, and all the sparks eventually came back, but the problem again was, she had to leave. We tried a long distance relationship, but it fell apart within a month.

 

In the following year that followed, I met a lot of new people, and had a few casual, little-commitment, relationships with some other girls.

One of which was, I'll call her, Jill(will later become relevant).

 

The next year, this would be last year(the second year in this story), my family and I moved back. I slowly began to communicate with Jane again, but this time she had grown into a different person on the outside, putting up something I knew she wasn't. To keep it short, let's just say we had a lot of on-off periods but, never in a relationship.

An important part of this whole story, is that me and Jane we're, and still are like highschool cruses, that one person who you will always love, and so forth(this story should be familiar to most people).

Finally, we had a major argument, and parted ways for good, which left many things unsaid, and some things that we're said we're not meant. This caused me a great deal of torment, but the thing is, she disappeared and moved away to some unknown location. It wasn't her choice though, she was sent packing by her mother.

 

This year(the third year in this story), Jill and my best friend, John, became an item. Me and Jill became much better friends than we ever we're before, and began to saw each other in a different light. For a short while in-between here, Jill and John broke up, and me and Jill admitted our feelings towards each other, but not yet to John. Then, all of a sudden Jill and John we're back together.

 

Which brings us to about two weeks ago, when Jill and John came to stay with me for a week. Jill isn't the type of person that can hide their feelings, and is very truthful through her emotions. I immediately picked up on that she still has very passionate feelings for me(as so do I), and John began to notice this.

On the last day of their stay, I spoke to Jill alone to try and sort out certain things. I told her that I would not choose over my best friend, John, and asked her how she felt about him as well. She said he also has feelings for him, which is something I don't quite understand. The thing is, when John confronted her, that day as well, she lied to him, but told me she lied to him.

 

So here comes my questions, which I really hope can be answered.

 

How can I cope with Jane being away, and settle all the unresolved conflict we have, and remove the spark we have... on my own? There is no way to come into contact with her, believe me, I have tried.

 

Then about Jill: I do believe she has feelings for me and John, but how can that be? How is she thinking in terms of who she wants to be with?

Should I peruse this relationship and potentially loose my friendship with John?

There are others things that come into play here, but I'll leave it out of this conflict.

 

Also, John: Should I myself tell him that we have feelings for each other? On the one side I don't think I should, because we have not done anything.

One more thing that is also, very, important here: Next year me and John are moving into a place.

 

 

I'm beginning to feel like I've become a friend snatcher, someone who just chases after things that seem easiest. I feel like I'm secluding myself from real relationships are, should be, and what relationships I rather could be in.

 

EDIT: I wish I could go more in depth about how I actually feel, but the thing is... I really don't know what to feel.

Edited July 8, 2011 by direleap