Cannot seem to cope with him leaving

[Yona88]

Hi all. I have come off and on this site throughout the years of my dating.

 

I am having trouble coping with my sudden break up. I was looking for ideas people had to keep calm when you start feeling like you are going to bawl your eyes out.

 

My boyfriend left me last night around 6 PM with all his belongings. He stormed out and drove off with no cell phone or any way to get a hold of him. I sit around worried from our arguement, wondering if he just needed to cool off, or if he's okay. Turns out he just detached himself *just like that* and starting driving back to his mom's in Washington. We moved out here together Pocatello, ID and we had been living here the last 8 months or so.

 

I waited up all night hoping to hear from him. Called every place I could think of, using almost the last of my minutes. His mom called me to let me know he was in Oregon at a hotel, and he's on his way home to WA.

 

I have never cried so hard in my life. Living with a guy you've been with for 2 years and 2ish months. This has been so hard.

 

His belongings are still everywhere in the apt. His dirty work shirt, strung across the bed along with other things he didn't take. I find myself bawling my eyes out every 5 minutes at the reminder of him. I couldn't go to the grocery store earlier without being reminded of how many times we went grocery shopping together in this tiny town we had moved into. He would always help me put away the groceries, and today I came home alone hulking a giant handful of stuff only to have it a 24 pack of water bottles crash onto my toe. I started bawling again. Thinking about how much I wish he was here? He would have probably hugged me or something when that happened. It's been a hard day.

 

I feel totally lost without this guy. I tried to speak with his guy friend Colby , whom really dislikes me. He called me manipulative, mean, and evil, because I have trust issues that need to be worked out. My friends are telling me to not let it get to me, but I can't help blame myself for everything. I regret so much and wish I didn't have the issues that I have.

 

His mom is super supportive and spoke with me on the phone today. She told me to leave him be for now and to focus on my own self. He's extremely fed up with everything. I'm guessing NC = no contact from the way some of these posts sound on this forum. I'm tryng hard to stay strong, but under these circumstances it is hard.....

 

I'm gonna end this post for now. I apologize for my rambling. I just don't know where to go or who to talk to about this.

Edited July 8, 2011 by Yona88

[D-Lish]

It seems he really, really needs space, and no matter how frazzled you are right now, you must give it to him.

 

You said you have trust issues and it has been a burden on your relationship. While he's gone thinking things through, you could really use this opportunity to do some thinking yourself.

 

How do your trust issues manifest in this relationship? Are you controlling? Needy? Just wondering, it might help to know more.

[Yona88]

Yeah he does need the space. And I'm going to try hard to just STAY away from any contacting him. I don't know how long this is going to be. After 2 years I almost forgot what this feels like.

 

I have been told I'm controlling and I don't like that about myself, if I am. I want to change. There would be things he would go out his way to do just in hopes of regaining my trust.

 

When he'd suggest something, like checking up on him, and snooping, because I felt suspicious, I'd tell him "You (or I) don't need to do that!" He would say "It's not controlling if I'm telling you to do it" It doesn't feel good when he would suggest stuff like that. I was constantly feeling suspicious and didn't know how to overcome that. He was desperate to get my trust back and nothing seemed to be working.

 

What I don't get is that was one of the things he complained about yesterday: He said I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to do any of those things behind my back even if he wanted to, so rebuilding my trust wasn't getting anywhere.

 

At the same time, he had been telling me to do whatever I needed to do to trust him, and encouraging me to snoop. Why would he buy a keylogger for the computer and tell me "It's okay, it was my idea. So you're not being controlling".

 

I don't understand what was with all this encouraging me to snoop.

 

I'm sorry my head is totally boggled right now. I'm still trying to understand this all myself.

[reimeivn]

Hey we women have the tendency to be a bit uptight about trusting the man we date. After all, he is not your husband yet, and his nature, as many other men, is to go chase as many women as he can in his life. So remember you have the reason to feel nervous about trusting him sometimes. This one problem, every woman needs to work on, constantly.

 

So works on it, just do not beat yourself up, understand that there is a reason which is beyond your control.

 

Keep in mind that the guy you date must do things in order to gain your trust, to blame it all on you is not fair on his past. If you have a problem with trust which was gradually built up during your relationship, like me, he possibly did something untrust worthy. You might not even be aware of it, like me, because your gut tells you that some of his actions are just not right. Long after we broke up, I realized that my ex didnt even know himself before my gut found out that his feelings for me changed. And that he lied to me. And that he was dishonest with me. And that his friends do not respect me.

[Yona88]

Hey we women have the tendency to be a bit uptight about trusting the man we date. After all, he is not your husband yet, and his nature, as many other men, is to go chase as many women as he can in his life. So remember you have the reason to feel nervous about trusting him sometimes. This one problem, every woman needs to work on, constantly.

 

So works on it, just do not beat yourself up, understand that there is a reason which is beyond your control.

 

Keep in mind that the guy you date must do things in order to gain your trust, to blame it all on you is not fair on his past. If you have a problem with trust which was gradually built up during your relationship, like me, he possibly did something untrust worthy. You might not even be aware of it, like me, because your gut tells you that some of his actions are just not right. Long after we broke up, I realized that my ex didnt even know himself before my gut found out that his feelings for me changed. And that he lied to me. And that he was dishonest with me. And that his friends do not respect me.

 

I know what you mean. Especially that last part. This guy left me in the dust pretty much with no closure, no nothing. I contacted his friend on Facebook today, wanting some sort of.. well any explanation for where he stands. Only to get called a "manipulative, evil and mean". That's taking things pretty friggen far I think, considering my main issues were trusting him, worrying, ect. I guess those issues, were big issues, and might have drove him crazy.

 

The last two weeks my gut has been telling me something was not right. He'd get home from work and not seem happy. I'd ask him if he's okay and he says yes. His mom says he is a good actor when it comes to stuff like that.

 

I am now oh so confused at where he stands. Last night he said "I still love you. but i need to go home. i dont want to give up on you, but i gotta go :'(" then another message along the lines of "Ill call you later. part of me regrets leaving and the other part of me feels like this is the best thing"

 

And now he has blocked all contact from me. Why tell me those things and then do that?

[reimeivn]

Yeah you know next time you date, tell your boyfriend that he needs to be honest, and knows that trust issues you have, if you still have any, are not to be taken personal. Its about about him cheating on you, its about his feelings toward you. The cheating part, I believe, come after. But the reasons you have problems sometimes are not because you dont trust him, but because he doesnt show you enough affection and care, or respect, you know that kind of things.

 

The on who deserves you, and mature enough to be in a relationship, understand that.

[D-Lish]

 

I am now oh so confused at where he stands. Last night he said "I still love you. but i need to go home. i dont want to give up on you, but i gotta go :'(" then another message along the lines of "Ill call you later. part of me regrets leaving and the other part of me feels like this is the best thing"

 

And now he has blocked all contact from me. Why tell me those things and then do that?

 

Why? Because it's how he feels, which is conflicted. He's essentially saying he loves you, but despite that, he's at the end of his rope, and doesn't know if the two of you are right for one another.

 

This is why you need to give him space. It's SO important to give him the space he's asked for at this point. The message he's sending to you is that he can't talk to you right now, and as hard as it is to stay away- you have to, or you'll make things worse.

 

He's asked for breathing room, some time to be alone to think. Please, give it to him. If there's any chance of reconciliation, you have to let him have space to figure this out.

 

Your natural inclination is to push for answers, find out what's going on, maybe force a talk with him to convince him to come back. These are the worst things you could do right now. Let him be, give him space.

 

You want to push him for answers he's not ready to give. The more you push for answers, the more he's going to pull away.

 

Whatever is on his mind is serious enough for him to pick up and leave and drive far away. It's obvious he needs a break- your best bet is to respect that.

[Yona88]

This has been really useful advice and I am going to take it.

 

I am starting to see what I have caused. I can see the lack of space. I am going to avoid any temptations to e-mail, message on Facebook, and whatever else. I don't know if I'll get what I want out of this, but I can hope that he will call at some point or try to get in contact at least.

 

Tonight I have the apartment to myself and for some reason I am not complaining. I haven't spent time alone in forever. Cramped studio apartments aren't a good idea to live in with another person I think.

 

I'm afraid of being tempted to message him after it's been a few days, a week, a few weeks, ect. Seems like I should almost avoid being on the computer altogether.

[D-Lish]

This has been really useful advice and I am going to take it.

 

I am starting to see what I have caused. I can see the lack of space. I am going to avoid any temptations to e-mail, message on Facebook, and whatever else. I don't know if I'll get what I want out of this, but I can hope that he will call at some point or try to get in contact at least.

 

Tonight I have the apartment to myself and for some reason I am not complaining. I haven't spent time alone in forever. Cramped studio apartments aren't a good idea to live in with another person I think.

 

I'm afraid of being tempted to message him after it's been a few days, a week, a few weeks, ect. Seems like I should almost avoid being on the computer altogether.

 

Well he still has stuff at your place- so that needs to get sorted out at some point.

 

Guys will eventually grow tired of always having to prove themselves- especially if they go as far as they can to prove themselves and YOUR behaviour/insecurities still dont' change. If he's giving you all his passwords and installing a keylogger- and you're still not giving him space to just have a little freedom, it's no wonder he got to the end of his rope.

 

Look, I'm not trying to come down hard on you- but during this time it's a great opportunity to take a hard look at your own contributions to the problems in the relationship. He has to do the same on his own end. That's why time apart might be a good thing.

 

Why don't you trust him? Is it baggage you are carrying forth from your past...or has he done something in the past that still weighs heavily on you?

 

One thing I can tell you- giving him space is the right thing to do. He's probably wondering why you have been silent for the past 24hours (and that's a good thing).

 

I think both of you need to take this space and think things through. He left you, so he should be the one to reach out to you first. He might just not be ready to do that yet. It's going to be hard- but don't break NC.

 

The message you're sending by allowing him some space is that you respect what he needs right now.

 

Everytime you want to reach out to him, it's YOUR need, remember that. If you want to prove to him that his needs count as well- respect his need for some time to himself. He'll appreciate it, trust me.

[Yona88]

Well he still has stuff at your place- so that needs to get sorted out at some point.

 

Guys will eventually grow tired of always having to prove themselves- especially if they go as far as they can to prove themselves and YOUR behaviour/insecurities still dont' change. If he's giving you all his passwords and installing a keylogger- and you're still not giving him space to just have a little freedom, it's no wonder he got to the end of his rope.

 

Look, I'm not trying to come down hard on you- but during this time it's a great opportunity to take a hard look at your own contributions to the problems in the relationship. He has to do the same on his own end. That's why time apart might be a good thing.

 

I agree. Honestly, I think it's good you are coming down hard on me, because I need to snap out of what I have been DOING.

 

I have been thinking really hard the past day or so, thinking about my actions and what I have done.

 

Why don't you trust him? Is it baggage you are carrying forth from your past...or has he done something in the past that still weighs heavily on you?

 

I've been told it's both. His mom is a therapist at a psychiatric hospital and says I have baggage from past relationships. She says I lash out at him and treat him like my ex's. That I treat him like he is going to do the same thing my ex's have done.

 

He has done something in the past that caused a lot of this distrust. Three months into the relationship he signed up for a dating site and decided to view some other girls profiles, filled his profile out, with his photo up and everything, stating he was looking for someone to date. I found out about this when I first moved in with him (9 months in). Even though it was 6 months old by then, it was still news to me. I questioned it a lot. He said he never went on any dates on this site. I was still suspicious about it though. This caused our first break. I went back to my parents for a week, because I was mad about it, and my anger was making it hell living together. His mom pushed me to go home and take this break. I came back to live with him after a week and we started over.

 

One thing I can tell you- giving him space is the right thing to do. He's probably wondering why you have been silent for the past 24hours (and that's a good thing).

 

I think both of you need to take this space and think things through. He left you, so he should be the one to reach out to you first. He might just not be ready to do that yet. It's going to be hard- but don't break NC.

 

I can't remember if I have mentioned this before on my posts, but with an exception of their home phone, he has blocked me from communication since he left. He doesn't want anything to do with me right now.

 

Hours before he blocked me on any IM programs, he said "Ill call you later. Part of me regrets leaving but the other part of me thinks it's for the best". I responded to that message (in an emotional mess), and messed things up even more. Asking him to "don't give up on us/I really want to talk" blah blah. He then proceeded to delete me on Facebook, but not block me. He took down his profile picture of us and changed his status to the <blank> one.

 

I'm such an idiot!

 

The message you're sending by allowing him some space is that you respect what he needs right now.

 

Everytime you want to reach out to him, it's YOUR need, remember that. If you want to prove to him that his needs count as well- respect his need for some time to himself. He'll appreciate it, trust me.

 

My fears are trying to get the better of me during no contact. I have such a fear in losing him, or finding out he has met someone new. Every time I think "what if he does?" I keep wanting to grab the phone and break NC. I know I can't do this.

 

It's like I don't want to accept that our 2 year relationship may have ended.

 

It is a really miserable feeling wondering whether he will take initiative to make contact again while I am giving him space. It feels really unlikely that there will be any reconciliation when he has driven 700 miles away.

Edited July 9, 2011 by Yona88

[D-Lish]

Well, I can understand how that dating profile discovery would cause you to worry! If you've had trust issues from your past, it's no wonder finding out he was on a dating site had an impact on your ability to trust him!!! I would find it hard to trust someone after that as well- I think most of us would.

 

All this blocking and deleting he's done can be reversed- it's just the push of a button, nothing permanent.

 

It may be that this break up is for good- it's too soon to tell.

 

I know when you're in a panic like this that you want to call- but it will make things worse. By respecting his space, you're demonstrating that you can give him his freedom. If he's used to being a bit smothered or questioned- this is going to give him a different perspective of you.

 

Sometimes people need time to cool off and think things through. You have to talk at some point if he has furniture and his other things at your place. He's going to have to arrange to get that at some point.

 

Look after yourself in the meantime.

[Yona88]

Thank you so much D-Lish for your helping advice.

 

It is day 3 right now of NC. I was doing somewhat better this morning, but when I went to bed, I slept in like crazy. I ended waking up at 8 PM. I woke up feeling SO PANIKCY! Panicky and scared...

 

The thoughts flowing through my head that this is the reality of things, he has left. I feel as though this breakup may be for good, but am having so much trouble accepting it. This morning I was doing a lot of thinking. Like trying to get a feel for what's going on in his head about all of this. He's 700 miles away in Washington and detached himself from this situation completely.

 

We have struggled 9 months living out here and trying to make a life for ourselves. Our apartment was a cramped studio that most people would call ghetto. We adopted a cat 4 months ago, and I don't know what to do with her now. He left behind a lot, and I'm left here feeling like I have to pick up all the pieces... There's furniture. An expensive queen size bed his mom bought us. Lots of his clothes, and a chest full of games he has collected. His mom told me he is giving the desktop computer he left behind to me.

 

I have been living at my parents since last night. They understand how much I hate living in that apartment right now since there's so many memories lingering in it.

 

I have come to the realization we've been totally unhappy in our living situation. We lived in a cramped studio apartment that wasn't taken very good care of. The place was trashed. We lived in unhealthy lifestyle. All either of us did was work or stay at home. We never did anything fun like get out and go do things, like dates. Maybe go to the bar, or see a movie. We never had any fun. It was constant stress, struggling, and trying to make it out here. I have been trying to pinpoint my feelings why I felt so UNHAPPY the evening I fought with him. I was thinking, what if it was possible I took my stress/unhappiness out on him? I was so unhappy with our living situation.. I think we both were really depressed being out here. It was never him I was unhappy with. We had been through so much trying to make things work out here from the time we moved out here during the harsh winter, until now. 9 months of that.

 

 

 

I have no friends out here (besides parents). We only had each other. I have a lot of friends in Washington still and I had a friend ask me if I wanted to leave Idaho and stay at their place until I get back on my feet. I think it would be a bad idea since it's 30 miles away from where his mom lives. Almost everyone I knew lives in Washington. I'm extremely tempted to do this though. But I know I would probably be living in hopes of trying to work things out with him at some point.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Yona88

[D-Lish]

Thank you so much D-Lish for your helping advice.

 

It is day 3 right now. I was doing somewhat better this morning, but when I went to bed, I slept in like crazy. I ended waking up at 8 PM. I woke up feeling SO PANIKCY! Panicky and scared...

 

The thoughts flowing through my head that this is the reality of things, he has left. I feel as though this breakup may be for good, but am having so much trouble accepting it. This morning I was doing a lot of thinking. Like trying to get a feel for what's going on in his head about all of this. He's 700 miles away in Washington and detached himself from this situation completely.

 

We have struggled 9 months living out here and trying to make a life for ourselves. Our apartment was a cramped studio that most people would call ghetto. We adopted a cat 4 months ago, and I don't know what to do with her now. He left behind a lot, and I'm left here feeling like I have to pick up all the pieces... There's furniture. An expensive queen size bed his mom bought us. Lots of his clothes, and a chest full of games he has collected. His mom told me he is giving the desktop computer he left behind to me.

 

I have been living at my parents since last night. They understand how much I hate living in that apartment right now since there's so many memories lingering in it.

 

I have come to the realization we've been totally unhappy in our living situation. We lived in a cramped studio apartment that wasn't taken very good care of. The place was trashed. We lived in unhealthy lifestyle. All either of us did was work or stay at home. We never did anything fun like get out and go do things, like dates. Maybe go to the bar, or see a movie. We never had any fun. It was constant stress, struggling, and trying to make it out here. I have been trying to pinpoint my feelings why I felt so UNHAPPY the evening I fought with him. I was thinking, what if it was possible I took my stress/unhappiness out on him? I was so unhappy with our living situation.. I think we both were really depressed being out here. It was never him I was unhappy with. We had been through so much trying to make things work out here from the time we moved out here during the harsh winter, until now. 9 months of that.

 

 

 

I have no friends out here (besides parents). We only had each other. I have a lot of friends in Washington still and I had a friend ask me if I wanted to stay over there until I get back on my feet. I think it would be a bad idea since it's 30 miles away from where his mom lives. I'm extremely tempted to do this though. :/

 

I don't want to live on this false hope of getting him back.

 

You're going through a lot right now. I'm glad you have your parents to turn to. I've been through a few break ups in my life that have turned my life upside down- 3 to be exact. I know where you are at right now.

 

First of all- good for you that you've kept NC, that's amazing. You need to keep that up. Everytime you think about contacting him, post here instead.

 

I am pretty sure the two of you will have a chance to talk once the smoke has cleared. Everything that you are realizing now, you can talk to him about it when the time comes.

 

Just remember, contacting his mother should be out of the question as well. Calling her is tantamount to contacting him.

 

If the past 9 months has been a time of stress and fighting- a break is truly needed for both of you to figure out what you want.

 

Did he have a job that he left when he went home?

[Yona88]

Just wanted to say your posts make me feel so much better.

 

He did have a job when he left to go home. He didn't give them a notice or anything. He was constantly coming home tired all last week from it. They were overworking him.

 

I am starting to accept that I cannot talk to him now about things. I don't even think I would want to ask him to come back to Idaho if I had the opportunity to. I want him to be happy. This place has been terrible for us, and he has all his friends and family in Washington.

[Yona88]

Feeling all sorts of strange right now. I was okay earlier, but starting to get upset again. I'm going to go take a shower and grab a glass of wine to try to keep calm.

 

I feel like I have understanding why he left. At the same time, I keep telling myself "This is impossible. I will never get him back. Time is against me. I am losing him." - I feel like him saying 2 days ago he still loved me and "part of me regrets leaving", is going to change with time.

 

To be exact, it was "I still love you. Part of me regrets leaving, and the other part of me thinks it's for the best." I could not respond because he logged off and deleted me from communication at that point. This was on Thursday, day 2.

 

I know. I must keep NC and wait for the smoke to clear. Yet I feel like the more time goes by, the less hope I have and the more sure he will be about leaving and the decision he has made.

[D-Lish]

Feeling all sorts of strange right now. I was okay earlier, but starting to get upset again. I'm going to go take a shower and grab a glass of wine to try to keep calm.

 

I feel like I have understanding why he left. At the same time, I keep telling myself "This is impossible. I will never get him back. Time is against me. I am losing him." - I feel like him saying 2 days ago he still loved me and "part of me regrets leaving", is going to change with time.

 

To be exact, it was "I still love you. Part of me regrets leaving, and the other part of me thinks it's for the best." I could not respond because he logged off and deleted me from communication at that point. This was on Thursday, day 2.

 

I know. I must keep NC and wait for the smoke to clear. Yet I feel like the more time goes by, the less hope I have and the more sure he will be about leaving and the decision he has made.

 

You may lose him, it's a possibility. The thing is you can't change the past, but you can control your future.

 

Are you kidding me girl? He hasn't forgotten about you.

 

Look at it this way- he left because he felt overwhelmed and smothered. Will reaching out to him reinforce that feeling? Yes.

 

He's not going to forget, he just needs time- respect that need and keep yourself busy so you aren't tempted to contact him.

 

Respect his need for space, and see where that takes you.

 

He can't miss you when you're in his face, You just have to step back for a bit, even though it sucks and it's hard to do. Trust me on this.

[Yona88]

Damn me I am so stupid! I'm not sure how to feel about what I just did an hour ago.

 

I broke NC in sort of a way.

 

His best friend Kolbi is a very protective friend and he doesn't like how I treated him. I was talking to him on Facebook two days ago and he pretty much told me how mean of a girlfriend I was to him. I responded badly to it. I was being defensive and ignorant to it all. We stopped the conversation there.

 

Tonight I wrote Kolbi a message in hopes that he would deliver it, explaining to him that I understand why he left, that I don't blame him for it, and just want him to be happy. Most importantly, that I was sorry for what I did to his friend.

 

He responded "I accept your apology and will tell him your sorry"

 

In a little way I'm happy because I didn't want to be on bad terms with his best friend. But still... it may have been a bad idea. It's still trying to reach out to him.

 

 

 

So now I have to start all over again with NC. And no more messaging his friends this time. I need to stick with the advice you have given me D-Lish.

Edited July 10, 2011 by Yona88